Do I owe anything that has been paid previously? that I can be direct contacted with? please note me or DM in any of my social medias.

Its not that I dont want to do them, it feels like I dont have the energy to do them. I feel like I want to be freed and be gone to not owe anything to anyone and dont have to worry about people being bothered or let down by my lack of speed and spirit to do things. If anyone knows me for some time now they will know I do not do this kind of stuff, refunds or even addressing my current mind state. I long ago chose not to bother my followers with my emotional side, I thought it was irrelevant and bothersome to those who only wanted to see art.

I dont have money currently, so I considered selling my ocs, some because as far as I know there isnt much/many payments that would exceed 15 dollars.

I stare at my canvas somedays not knowing what I want to do, sometimes I doodle stuff and by the time I am done i feel like I wasted time doing something for no particular reason. It feels now days like I have to do art to feed my follower's desires for content. Its a new type of job and not a fun hobby sorta. Its not that I do not want to take commissions or trades, but my current state of mind feels like I am not capable of handling too much without having it spill like a jar full of coins and not being able to pick them up at all nor know which one goes first.

I am a responsable individual or at least used to, but it now feels like I make promises out of charity by not being ''mean'' (declinning) rather than investing my feelings into doing it.

Life is boring currently to me, or at least I see it all as gray, I dont want to cause discomfort, impatience, bad experiences because of my currently missing personality so I have to force myself to do action. People keep asking me about commissions in private notes, prices, queues, and I keep saying ''I can contact you later'' but honestly it all feels like its just summing up to a ticking bomb.

I am really sorry everyone, but I do not want to be a bad experience to anybody hoping, or seen me as this good thing, or this ''wow I really want cool art from this person'', ''I look up to this person'', etc I dont deserve it. Some years ago I had feel that as a big compliment, shy away, but be entirely happy about it. Now its kind of loosing its meaning, its hard to explain. Its not an ungreatful reaction, but its hard to reach there for a logical explanation.

I dont know if anyone has noticed my lack of activity, everyday I feel ultra sleepy too, I dont get it. I sleep around 6 am and wake up at random times of the day and feel sleepy all the time (I am currently feeling it). I just want to sleep and everything feels short lived, games, ''fun'', people, drawing, etc. Maybe its part of the pandemic? maybe I am not the only one feeling it too? When the pandemia fell upon us all, I thought this would be a good excuse to spend time drawing and gainning money to help my family, I havent done a single selling since. There hasnt been any income for the same. And I keep telling my family and friends I will get some money, but I dont end up working for it, I just feel tired and sleepy. Its strange how my art seems to be more vivid, colorful, bigger, somewhat something now, but in reality it just feels grey to me.

I want to feel like the normal individuals that can work fast and nice, that have fun doing what they do, that they build a good relationship with their followers, that do this many raffles and gifts, that speak with uterly sugar coat and positiveness, that do memes, trends and over all be normal, but I close my eyes and know thats not me, I cannot be that. Not only that but I have to re do my whole thesis again because back then it wasnt accepted by my own teacher so the whole raffle from last year was pointless and I cannot focuse on that because school is closed still so I am not out of school technically. It all feels like being stuck on a fucking limbo, and the worst case is that you welcome it, you sit in it and stare.

Paypal is playing a bigger role of a problem again with the new fees at Mexico and new limits settled on us to the point I dont think about them much. I havent even logged into paypal in months wow, my friend does since we share the same Paypal but I had left it there rusting.

Sorry I ended up just ranting, I know people dont want to read crap like this on top of the already problems everyone carries. I just wanted to state my lack of motivation as a sort of alabi.

Bla bla bla I know its crap, but if I owe you anything please DM me, please do it I want to reach an agreement, refund if better, if dont want a refund focuse into trying to get it done as best and fast as I can. I dont think I can do or take art after some time and if I do would mostly be just small YCHs and with DA points because paypal is still kind of useless, everything feels useless sorta. I am really sorry.

You dont have to reply to this, I just wanted to show I am alive here still, just not on the best of moments to be what everybody wants me to be.