I've had problems with friendship, communication and social cues for a long time, I've been getting better over the years but one thing I can't seem to grasp is the absent friend. They're very nice, polite and friendly when I meet them in the flesh and seem to enjoy my company but they never initiate contact and when I do they're always unavailable or just don't respond. I know that this type of behaviour can be a sign that they don't actually like me and are trying to get rid of me in a way that doesn't make them look mean. But I can't actually tell if that's the case or if they do legitimately like me but are busy and lousy communicators. I wonder if I disappeared, would any of them reach out? would they try to find me? or would they assume I'm fine and simply forget about me? It seems I only ever get to see them either on their terms, at a convention we're both going to independently or by sheer chance.

I don't know what to do, do I have to become a stalker just to see these people I think are my friends? do I confront them and risk losing everything? do I just go mute and let them slip away? I've often been told if I want friends that I need to go out and find them but it comes off as nobody is going to put in the effort to find me. The Corona Virus has exacerbated my situation since I can't even physically see them anymore I can only text or call them, why bother reaching out if no one's there to answer? I often wonder if I actually have any friends, or if I ever did.

This piece was done by the talented  pastelcore