This was just a cavalcade of mistakes I thought I wasn't making anymore. The head isn't on its own layer and has terrible placement and angle, I didn't use a body reference and thus the body is weirdly lumpy, the ground and body are the same layer because when I started sculpting the body I forgot to change layers, the emissive effect on the eyes did not work right... the only thing that came out halfway decent was the feet!

I'm thinking this weekend is time to bite the bullet and learn some Blender. If I could have used hair effects, I could have covered up all the 'whoopsies to make it at least "less bad."