"Hey, CLEM! We got us a new RECRUIT!"

"No SHIT! What happened to LESTER?"

"I heard he's got permanent DISABILITY!"

"DISABILITY, huh? Sounds like he done wore it OUT! HAW! HAW! HAW!"

"Likely SO, the way HE went at it! HYUK!"

"So I guess you guys work HARD here, huh?"

"I guess SO! Wouldn't you say we work HARD here, Elmo?"

"REEEEEALLLLLL HARRRRD! HAW! HAW! HAW!"

"All right guys, I know I'm the new guy, and you gotta razz me… but I'm ready to get to work!"

"I'll bet you ARE! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW!"

"Hey, Clem! Let's show him the PIGS!"

"YesssSIR! Let's SHOW him the PIGS! This oughtta be GOOD!"

"Okay, guys… I don't know what the big JOKE is… they look like ordinary pigs to m… JESUS CHRIST ON THE CROSS! What's the deal with their EYES?!"

"Look almost HUMAN, don't they, boy? HAW! You don't know the HALF of it!"

"GOD, they're creeping me OUT! They're all LOOKING at me!"

"Don't take it PERSONAL, boy! They're all just curious about the NEW guy! See, they're going about their business again…"

"So, what ARE they? Some new breed? Some kind of HYBRID?'

"Hybrid, did he say, Clem? Some kinda HYBRID? I guess you MIGHT say that… mightn't ya, Clem?"

"Oh, HELL, let's just TELL him Elmo! He's gonna find out soon ENOUGH!"

"T.. tell me WHAT?"

"Them PIGS, y'see… them PIGS is ALL what ya call recipients of SPECIES REASSIGNMENT SURGERY! Yep… they was all lonely fat gals (and some GUYS, too, I understand) who thought their lives would get more interesting if they were strutting around like Miss Piggy! But they didn't read the fine print on their surgical CONSENT forms, y'see. And… waaalll… the next thing you KNOW, they're clip-clopping around on their four new trotters with not a lot of options but to become BREEDING SOWS!"

"This… this can't be HAPPENING!"

"Oh, it's HAPPENING, boy! And… these SOWS still have human minds! As you can see, they still have human EYES! Some of them can kind of TALK if you listen hard enough! And… they get LONELY!"

"And, HELL, we're PIG farmers in the STICKS! We're ALWAYS lonely! Ain't YOU lonely, Elmo?"

"I'M lonely! The question is… how lonely are YOU, boy?"

"Not THAT lonely… GEEZ! Are you KIDDING me?"

"Oh, don't you get all high 'n' mighty on US, boy! The truth is… I felt that way when I started here… but DAMN if them cute li'l piggy butts ain't ENTICING! I just want to spank me one ever time I see 'em!"

"Yeah, and where ELSE can you get your ashes hauled for the price of some rotten apples or a box of stale donuts?"

"Well, there's that truck stop out on I-86…"

"Oh, hell, them sluts is got every disease known to MAN! They're all on crack or something! And most of them ain't really GIRLS!"

"So, what… you'd rather have sex with a PIG??? What the F…"

"HEY, STOP HIGH-ROADING ME, BOY! I might not be particular about SPECIES, but I ONLY mess with 100% AU-thentic FEMALES! I ain't no PRE-VERT!"

"And it ain't like you're some LOWLIFE raping a real PIG! They're kind of HUMAN! They can CONSENT! You're just taking part in a TRANSACTION!"

"And we've got VETS coming in every WEEK to check on their HEALTH! One of them's GOT something, we'll all know it! SAFEST sex there IS!"

"This is all NUTS! You guys are INSANE! I gotta get OUT of here!"

"Now you wouldn't be thinking of going to the AUTHORITIES, would ya, boy? Didn't you think it was STRANGE, having to sign a NON-DISCLOSURE agreement to work at a PIG FARM? Trust me, the AUTHORITIES know ALL ABOUT THIS! You'd just be making TROUBLE for y'self. Just a friendly warning…"

"Hey CLEM… don't look NOW!"

"Look at WHAT?"

"That there SOW over there's been eyeballing our new FRIEND here for the last five minutes!"

"NO WAY!"

"I'm TELLING YOU! She looks INTERESTED! And… holy Christ it's PENELOPE!"

"PENELOPE?! You SHITTING me? The snootiest sow in the sty? She don't mess around with NOBODY! Not for a CRATE of donuts! I've TRIED!"

"Now she's COMING OVER HERE! I'll be God-damned if that SOW ain't making the FIRST MOVE!"

"Boy, you might be getting some pig nookie afore you KNOW it! What's in that AFTERSHAVE you're wearing? BOAR PHEROMONES?"

"Look… she's coming right up to him! Good EVENING, Miss Penelope!"

"Oh, *OINK* screw you, Clem!"

"Name the time, name the PLACE!"

"In your *SNUFFLE* DREAMS, a-hole! But, hey… who's your *SNORT* handsome FRIEND, here?"

"Y'know, Miss Penelope, we been so busy talking we ain't never got around to introductions! What's your NAME, boy?"

"I'd really rather not say…"

"OOOOOH! A *OINK* man of MYSTERY! This is getting more *GRUNT* interesting every MINUTE!"

"WOOOO-EEEEE! Lookeee, Elmo! He's BLUSHING! You're BLUSHING, boy! Well, where's your MANNERS? Stand UP when there's a LADY present!"

"I… I will in a minute… ummm…"

"LOOK! HE CAN'T DO IT! Oh, Mister High and Mighty, won't TOUCH the pigs… he's GOT A CHUBBY! HAW HAW HAW HAW!"

"Oh, LEAVE HIM THE *GRUNT* ALONE, jackass! He's the *OINK* CUTEST thing I've seen since I've BEEN here!"

"Hey…y'know, Clem, it's getting really HOT in here, don't y'THINK? I think we oughtta leave these two alone to get better ACQUAINTED, don't you?"

"Yeah… and boy? I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really gotta HAND it to you! Ain't EVERY man can turn the head of our Miss Penelope, here! Have y'self a GOOD TIME, BOY! YEEEEE-HAH!"

"Hey, Sugar… don't *OINK* mind those jackoffs! And, really... I'm sorry to EMBARRASS you by *OINK* being so FORWARD… but if there's one thing living as a PIG *OINK* has TAUGHT me is that life is SHORT… and we've *SNORT* just got to go after the *OINK* things we want!"

"I… I'm sorry… Miss… Penelope was it? This is all CRAZY! I don't know what I should DO now!"

"YOU may call me PENNY, Sugar… and *SNUFFLE* I think we BOTH know *OINK* what you should do now. But I still don't know your NAME, Hon! Let's just *OINK* start with THAT!"

"Sighhhh… all right. It's kmmmtttt…"

"It's WHAT, Sugar? I couldn't hear you…"

"KERMIT! OKAY! MY NAME'S KERMIT! GEEEEEZ!"

"NO…. *OINK* ING… WAY! KERMIT?! HA HA HA WREEEEEEEEEET! OH… MY… *SNORT* ING… GOD! That's TOO PERFECT!

"You know... I think I'll GO…."

"*OINK* NO! PLEASE! Don't GO! I'm *GRUNT* so SORRY! It's just like… *OINK* this was meant to BE! You… you *OINK* seem so NICE! You don't *OINK* get a CHANCE to meet many *SNORT* nice guys in HERE!"

"Really? You think I'm NICE?"

"I think you're *OINK* nice enough to score us two dozen FRESH donuts and a *GRUNT* couple of coffees and *OINK* meet me back here in half an hour. And THEN... well, we'll see where the *OINK* evening goes from there… what's so FUNNY?"

"I'm SORRY. It's just that I… I never saw a PIG bat her EYES before!"

"Sweetie, before the evening's *OINK* out, I have a feeling you'll see THIS pig do a LOT of things *OINK* you've never seen before!"

TO BE CONTINUED...