"SOOO-EEEEEE! Where's that PENNY? WHICH ONE is HER? SOOOOO-EEEEEEE!"

"Oh CRAP, she's DRUNK! LOVELY!"

"Over HERE! I'm the one in the VEIL!"

"YOU! So you're Penny the PIG!"

"That's ME, ma'am..."

"YOU! YOU'RE the one! YOU'RE that SHAMELESS STRUMPET of a SOW... who... who..."

"Yes... go ON... who...?"

"Who... who... *SOB* who's... who's... m-made my *SOB* SON so... so HAPPE-E-E-E-E! BAWWWWWWWW!"

"Ummm... yes... that's ME..."

"GIVE YOUR NEW MAMA A HUG!"

"Ohhhh... KAY..."

"Turn AROUND! Let me LOOK at ya!"

"Okay..."

"Yeah. I SEE it."

"See WHAT?"

"I see the ATTRACTION! Kermit keeps telling how PRETTY you are! I say 'She's a PIG! How PRETTY can she BE?' But I'll be DAMNED if you AREN'T pretty!"

"For a PIG, you mean?"

"HELL, Hon, human OR pig, you're PRETTIER than anyone he's brought home to meet ME in the last ten years! What a load of smelly SKANKS! And those were the ones he brought HOME!"

"Really?"

"My GOSH Hon, you're the PRETTIEST, NEATEST, POLITEST, best-SPOKEN thing I've EVER seen him interested in!

He talks about you all the TIME, you know?

What the hell have you DONE to him, Hon? He's on CLOUD NINE! The way he moves around the double-wide, his feet hardly touch the GROUND! He's LAUGHING, he's SINGING, he kisses ME every morning and tells ME how lovely I am! I've NEVER seen him like this! He's like a KID on CHRISTMAS, for cry-yi!"

"R-really?"

"You KNOW Hon, when he told me he met a PIG at the farm and was going to MARRY her, I thought I was going to have to call the Happy Wagon, you KNOW? But all he kept saying to me was, 'Just MEET her, Ma. Just MEET her!' And now I've MET you..."

"Yeah...?"

"All I can say is... WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, Hon!"

"THANK YOU, Mrs.... Mrs..."

"You don't know our LAST NAME, do you, Hon?"

"Hey, it took me long enough to get his FIRST name out of him! I figured, I'm a PIG, I've got a guy who loves me and wants to MARRY me, I'm not going to make too many WAVES! I figured I'd find out when we signed the license, and if it's not HITLER, or MANSON, or BUTTFUK, I'll just ROLL with it!"

"Well, that's very NOBLE, Dear, but you should know ANYWAY. It's... DeFrogge."

"WHAT?????"

"Yes... so he's...."

"Kermit DeFrogge... OH... MY... GOD!

GOD, so many things are making SENSE right about now! Growing up with a name like THAT... it's a wonder he didn't become a SERIAL KILLER or something!"

"It's been a BURDEN for him, that's sure..."

"PLEASE! TELL me! He ALREADY had the last name DeFrogge... WHY, in the name of all that's HOLY, would you name him KERMIT?! WHY?!

"Well, he had an UNCLE Kermit, had a CRAPLOAD of MONEY... we thought if we named him after HIM, he'd get some money in the WILL!"

"Didn't see ANY of it, did you?"

"No... he stiffed us REAL good!"

"Well, MY last name is BACON...

"HAW!"

"...so I really have nothing to say. I LOVE him, so we'll work with it."

"You're a PEACH, Hon! No WONDER he loves you! Well, see you later! I have to go buy a dress for the WEDDING!"

***

"Well, you certainly hit it off with HER, Miss Bacon!"

"MOREAU?! YOU... you've got a NERVE coming around HERE! YOU DID this to me!"

"Miss Bacon... I wouldn't have missed it for the WORLD! The first of my girls is getting married! I just wanted to offer you CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so proud I could BURST!"

"You KNEW about this?!"

"KNEW about it? I set it UP!"

"WHAT????"

"You think I FORGOT about you? I keep track of ALL my patients... to see how they're doing."

"Yeah...?"

"I heard you were one of the diehard resisters, the ones that absolutely will NOT give in to pigdom! So... I've been working with a psychiatrist, a Dr. Melfi, you might have heard of her? No? Doesn't matter. Anyway, she's been working with a lot of men who are sufferers of what she calls the "Kermit Complex." These men were all impressionable young boys whose first erotic experience was seeing Miss Piggy on "The Muppet Show." Deep down, they all subconsciously want to marry a SOW. So they go from one fat, unkempt woman to another, trying to find their ideal, but are never satisfied. When she heard of my research, she stopped trying to CURE them, and instead, sort of hinted to them to be PATIENT, that before they knew it, there'd be more ideal mates for them in the world than they'd know what to DO with!"

"You're... KIDDING me!"

"NO! I'm SERIOUS! This guy you met, he was the most hardcore case she'd ever SEEN, probably because of his NAME... I don't know. On my insistence, she sent him to get a job HERE. Told him some B.S. about confronting his obsessions, I don't know... We both knew what KIND of pigs they raise here, and figured ONE of you girls would make a move on him, and resolve all his guilt and repressed feelings in ONE FELL SWOOP! Should've KNOWN it'd be YOU! And don't worry, he is what he appears to be: a sincere young man who never knew love before. I talked to him outside. It's OBVIOUS he WORSHIPS the MUD you WADDLE in! He's a PRINCE CHARMING if ever I SAW one!

"So, I'm supposed to be GRATEFUL to you?"

"I'm sorry, Miss Bacon, but nobody comes to me to be transformed into a PIG, Anthro or otherwise who has a happy, active love life. You had a sad, lonely empty life, or you wouldn't have come to me in the FIRST PLACE! Now, six months after the ahem... procedure... you have a great guy in your life, you're happier than I'VE ever seen you, you're going to be MARRIED... just call me DR. CUPID!"

"Well... YEAH, but..."

"But WHAT, Miss Bacon? By the way, have you had any of your awful BACKACHES lately? No? QUADRUPEDS never DO! Your weight is evenly distributed on four legs, you're not fighting GRAVITY! FACE it! Becoming a PIG is the best thing that ever HAPPENED to you!"

"So, is THAT why you came here? To tell me THIS?"

"Well yes... that... and one more THING..."

"What IS it? Spit it OUT, Man!"

"Well, Miss Bacon... if... if you let me... I'd would be PROUD and HONORED if... if you'd let me... GIVE YOU AWAY!"

"Well... sigh... if I MUST, I MUST... Just one condition, Doctor..."

"What IS it?"

"Please! Call me PENNY!"

And... SCENE!