I, The Tribunal
A Poached Parody

By P.C. HATTER
CHAPTER 12


My tailor was hopping mad when he saw the bullet hole in my coat. Literally. I didn’t think the little brown Dutch could jump that high. The rabbit might have been worried about losing a client because before I left the shop, he made me promise to be more careful.
The phone was ringing when I got back to the apartment. Duke was on the other end of the line.
“Ballistics confirmed it. Our killer shot your bird.”
“Anything else.”
“Dabrowski’s gun only matches the slug you brought me after he tried shooting you. If the paperwork from the serial number is correct, the original owner was from down south. There were a few owners after that before it ended up here in a pawn shop. The last guy who bought it used the name Axel D. Brewer.”
“Let me guess, Dabrowski was Axel’s middle name.”
“His mother’s maiden name.”
A few comments later, I hung up the phone and took a shower. Midway through a sandwich, Deloris called wanting me to pick her up early for the weekend. She didn’t sound like she was doing too well, and I agreed to everything she asked.
With the receiver back in its cradle, I checked the time. I didn’t want to be late for my date with Sylvia. She met me at the front of her apartment, and when she spotted me, tapped her foot like I was supposed to have been there earlier.
With a gleam in her eye she said, “You kept me waiting five minutes.”
“Don’t get out the whip just yet. Traffic was insane.”
“Oh, I don’t know, you might like me using a whip.”
“Get in the car, or we’ll be late.”
Laughing, she slid into the passenger seat, and I drove us to the pictures. After a two-and-a-half hour double feature, we had a late dinner and drinks.
When she ordered a beer, I must have given her a funny look.
“A female can like beer you know.”
“Maybe you won’t be so expensive to keep.”
“I can always work you know.”
“No wife of mine is going to work. I don’t ever want her to have to work.”
Sylvia gave me a sly grin. “Are you assuming I’ve already said yes? I don’t recall a marriage proposal. Maybe I should say no.”
“Okay, fine.” I took her hand. “Marry me?”
She laughed and said, “Yes.”
One very public kiss later, I said, “Tomorrow night we can slip the twins party and make plans.”
“And the ring?”
“Not to worry. I’ve got a couple of checks coming. We can run over to Tiffany’s and pick one out.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We finished our beers, and I took her home. Sylvia tried stopping the bell by covering it with her hand, but it still sounded and almost woke the maid.
“Come in for a drink?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want to do this right, and if I stay here much longer…” I let the words drop.
“We could get married tomorrow.”
“Soon.” I kissed her again and booped her nose. She held the bell, so that it wouldn’t ring, while I slipped back out the door.
When Velvet finds out about this, she was going to hit the roof, and probably toss me off one. The thought of telling her didn’t sit well with me.
The next morning came early. I showered, trimmed my fur, and had breakfast. I called Deloris to make sure she was up, and she said she’d be ready by eight. The next call was to Sylvia.
“Good morning beautiful.”
She returned my greeting with a sleepy, “Good morning, tiger.”
“When do you plan on arriving at the Patterson’s?”
“Early evening, unless I get a cancelation.”
“See you there.”
I rang off and took a breath. Velvet wouldn’t be in the office yet, so I rang her apartment.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Velvet. It’s Kaiser.” I couldn’t help shuffling my feet as I talked to her. “If Duke calls, tell him he can reach me at the Patterson’s place.”
I gave her the phone number, and she asked, “This have to do with the case?”
“Yes.”
“How long you going to be there?”
“Maybe the weekend.”
“Anything I can do?”
“I don’t think so.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the line that had me fidgeting before she said. “Watch your tail.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I couldn’t help thinking that if I hadn’t met Sylvia, I probably would have hitched my wagon to Velvet.
I shook off the thought and went to pick up Deloris. Neither of us wanted to talk about Jeromy, so we kept the conversation to the weather on the ride to the Patterson estate.
At least two dozen cars were parked in the drive when we got to the estate. One of the twins met us, but I wasn’t sure which until she said, “Hello, puss.”
“Hello, Annabel. Are we late?” I pointed at the cars. “I thought you said this was just supposed to be for a few friends?”
“The more the merrier.” She smiled and leered at me.
Careful to keep Deloris in between me and Annabel, we got our bags from the car. Annabel showed Deloris to her room first. When she led me to where I was to lay my head, she nearly knocked me onto the bed.
After a nice long kiss, I managed to break away for some air.
“Get out of here, I need to change my clothes.”
“Why? Can’t I watch?”
“No.”
I managed to shoo her out of the room so I could get dressed. Not wanting to have Annabel tackle me again, I waited for Deloris, and we walked downstairs together.
While Annabel pouted, Francine introduced herself. The two might have been twins, but their demeanor was miles apart. Francine was cordial yet conservative.
At the first chance she got, Annabel hauled me off to the tennis courts where I spent more time chasing the ball than hitting it.
“Why don’t we go back to your room and finish this game,” asked Annabel.
“You in a hurry?”
“Always.”
“I need a drink. Where’s the bar?”
Annabel finally gave up and led me to the bar where I parked my behind on a stool and refused to budge. Guests came and went. A few tried chatting me up but left when I made it obvious that I wasn’t interested. No one seemed to talk my language, and I was wondering what type of party this really was. Eventually, I slipped back to my room and changed into my street clothes.
Not wanting to deal with inane conversations, I decided to stay in my room and take a nap. Next thing I knew, Sylvia was shaking me awake.
“Hello, sleepy head.”
I grabbed and pulled her down to the bed. “Hello yourself.”
“Have you been up here all day? It’s seven-thirty.”
“Really? I didn’t think I was that tired.”
“Well, get dressed for dinner. I want to see Deloris.”
She pulled away and left the room so I could get dressed. We met again down at the dinner table. If I could have, I would have rearranged the seating cards because Annabel had me sitting right next to her. At least Sylvia sat across from me, next to Deloris.
Most everyone at the table was unfamiliar to me. I kept glancing at the ostrich down at the end of the table, thinking I’d seen him before. Only when he finally turned his beak toward me did I remember where. He’d gone into the whore house on entertainment night.
I got Annabel’s attention and asked, “Who’s the big bird at the end of the table?”
“That’s our lawyer, Henderson James. He used to be a criminal lawyer before he changed to private practice. Henderson is a wiz at investments. Why?”
“No reason.”
Dinner was a little awkward with Annabel trying to draw me into suggestive conversations and Sylvia looking as if she was going to put swan on the menu. After dessert, everyone got up and filed outside to the tennis courts. Not only were they lighted, but someone had set up temporary bleachers along one side and folding chairs on the other.
I stuck close to Deloris and Sylvia. There were so many people, we missed out on the seats and ended up sitting on the grass. The crowd had to be at least six people deep.
“I didn’t think this many people liked tennis,” I said and scratched my head. “And the set up…”
“You’d be surprised. Annabel and Francine never do anything halfway.”
The game was in full swing when Deloris said she was going inside to get an aspirin. She wasn’t gone thirty seconds before Annabel plunked her feathery butt down in Deloris’ spot and said, “There’s some people I want you to meet.”
I gave Sylvia a pleading glance, but she just smiled as if to say that I could dig my way out of this one. Annabel pulled me out of the crowded area. We were in the bushes and part way to the woods when I stopped and said, “What happened to the people you wanted me to meet?”
“That was just an excuse. Come on, let’s have some fun.”
“Look, Annabel, you’re nice and all, but Sylvia and I are engaged. I can’t be running around with you.”
“Engaged. Goodie, that makes it all the more fun.”
“No, it’s not more fun.”
The moon had disappeared behind a cloud, and I could hardly see Annabel. “Can I at least get a kiss?”
“Sure.”
The next thing I knew, Annabel had her bill locked on my lips. Not only that, but she didn’t have a stitch on. Hot lava had a cooler temperature.
By the time we got back, the game was almost over.
I wiped lipstick off my mug and brushed off my clothes. When she spotted her sister, Annabel, now back in her dress, gave me a wink along with a reprieve.
Finding Sylvia was a bit of a chore, but I finally did. She was talking to a flamingo and drinking cola.
“That took a while. Any luck?” she asked.
“Yes. Sort of. Maybe. You been here all this time?”
“Isn’t that what a good wife is supposed to do?” She emphasized her words with a laugh.
A high-pitched scream came from the house. Whoever it was had a set of lungs on them because they didn’t stop as I bolted across the lawn. The maid was still howling when I got to the cloak room and found Deloris on the floor dead. The hole in her chest said it all.
I had to shake some sense into the maid. Not only to stop her screaming but to show me where the phone was. The baboon finally complied, and I called the gate house and told them not to let anyone out. I then called Duke’s office and told him what happened.
When I got off the phone, the butler was staring at me. His big owl eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of his head. “What do we do?”
“Are there any guns in this place?”
“Yes.”
“Get the gardeners to set up a perimeter, and don’t let anyone leave the premises.”
He complied, I just hoped the guests would as well. They weren’t too happy when I told them someone was shot, and they had to stay put.
Sylvia looked pretty rattled. “Kaiser, who was shot?”
“Deloris.”
“Is she?”
“Dead? Yes. Stay here while I try to get some answers. And if you see the Patterson sisters, send them my way.”
She nodded and sat down on the stone steps.
The maid said she hadn’t seen or heard a thing. She’d been at the far end of the house cleaning. So I spoke to the bartender. “Who came in here?”
“Just a lioness.”
“Did you leave your post at any time?”
“Only to get more beer. I wasn’t gone more than a minute.” The mole blinked at me through coke-bottle glasses and said, “But then, I’m a bit near sighted.”
“Did you hear anything?”
“Like what?”
“Like a gun shot.”
“No.”
“What about the other entries into the house? Are they all locked?”
“Yes, sir. Only the one off the porch is open.”
I quick and checked the downstairs accesses, including the windows. But it was as the bartender said, the place was locked up.
Back at the cloak room, I gave the scene a closer look. Deloris had her blue coat on and was in front of a full-length mirror. Considering how warm it was outside, it didn’t make sense. Then I smelled the nip. There wasn’t much, just a few flakes on the rug as if someone had dropped a bag and tried to clean up.
The wound looked like a .45, and Deloris’ body was still warm. Why the killer had gone after her was beyond me.
Duke, along with the county police, arrived at the house not long after. That dog could get around. By that time, Annabel was blitzed on alcohol, so her sister had to find and turn over the guest list.
“Is everyone still here?” he asked.
“Let’s find out.”
Duke had all the guest packed into the ballroom. As he called off names, he either had them go with other officers to be questioned or sit in the hall. Neither Henderson James nor his assistant were anywhere to be seen, and we had fifteen party crashers to add to the two-hundred plus guest list. I helped out with the interviews. Annabel was with me, so she was alibied. So was her sister. She’d been consulting with the announcer and was in full view of the crowd the entire time. The last one I interviewed was Sylvia.
“Are you serious?” she asked.
“It’s procedure.”
“Fine. After you left with Annabel, I went to get a drink and ended up talking to an armadillo. Wilson, I think is name was. Then there was the flamingo. I’m not sure of his name.”
I wrote up my notes and handed them in to Duke. Once he verified everyone’s name and address, including the gate crashers, he let them go, informing them they might be contacted again.
Frustrated and tired, I loaded Sylvia and our stuff into the car, helped her into her silk-lined blue coat with embroidery trim, and we left for the city. The drive was quiet if you don’t want to count me grinding my teeth. The entire situation was insane. Who was this guy and why was he on a killing spree?
I didn’t know how Henderson James or his assistant played into this mess, but I left finding them up to the hounds in blue. I dropped off Sylvia at her apartment.
She bent to look in the car window. “Will I see you tomorrow?”
“Doubt it.”
“Then try calling me. The Patterson’s are returning to the city Monday, and we’re supposed to have dinner. I won’t be able to see you until Tuesday.”
“Sure thing.”
As I watched her walk into the doors of the building, I wondered if I should have walked her up to her apartment door.