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UPDATE:
Thanks to some really great feedback here and from some friends off-site, I have since updated the source PDF with a second version of the first chapter. A number of scenes have been re-written and tweaked with new dialogue, far more condensed description to keep from killing the pace, as well as working on my wording so as to avoid things from sounding too repetitive. Thank you again for your great feedback! And going forward, I'm gonna make sure I take these notes to heart and avoid making the same mistakes twice.
After all, I gotta leave room for whatever other mistakes I'll inevitably make. 'XD
"The First Mile"
One of the great struggles in life is trying to find ones place in it all. Where do we belong? What is our calling? Our purpose? What is certain is that our journey's all begin somewhere. And for one young ninja, that journey begins today...
SO! After a lot of delays from work, commissions, fires, life and fires, I finally got cracking on my original series; "A Hero In Snake's Skin." The many OC bios I've been posting up and all that jazz, this is the series for whom many of them belong. Fittingly enough, getting a feel for the world and what to leave vague or explicit has been tricky, but I'm mostly happy with this first chapter, and hopefully, y'all will be too. :P
As always though, any notes or criticisms, I'm more than happy to hear out and will do my best to address 'em in any way I can. Otherwise, hope you enjoy!
Artwork by
Youkai-Chan
Thanks to some really great feedback here and from some friends off-site, I have since updated the source PDF with a second version of the first chapter. A number of scenes have been re-written and tweaked with new dialogue, far more condensed description to keep from killing the pace, as well as working on my wording so as to avoid things from sounding too repetitive. Thank you again for your great feedback! And going forward, I'm gonna make sure I take these notes to heart and avoid making the same mistakes twice.
After all, I gotta leave room for whatever other mistakes I'll inevitably make. 'XD
"The First Mile"
One of the great struggles in life is trying to find ones place in it all. Where do we belong? What is our calling? Our purpose? What is certain is that our journey's all begin somewhere. And for one young ninja, that journey begins today...
SO! After a lot of delays from work, commissions, fires, life and fires, I finally got cracking on my original series; "A Hero In Snake's Skin." The many OC bios I've been posting up and all that jazz, this is the series for whom many of them belong. Fittingly enough, getting a feel for the world and what to leave vague or explicit has been tricky, but I'm mostly happy with this first chapter, and hopefully, y'all will be too. :P
As always though, any notes or criticisms, I'm more than happy to hear out and will do my best to address 'em in any way I can. Otherwise, hope you enjoy!
Artwork by
Youkai-Chan
Category Story / Anime
Species Human
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 55.6 kB
Great character and enviroemtn description and great action flow.
later in the document you fall into a bad repeating sentence structure habit of character *blanked*, character *blanked,* but not as bad as I have seen it in other writers. Still something to take noticed of when you are in your editing process to comb for and mix up. Really good beginning.
later in the document you fall into a bad repeating sentence structure habit of character *blanked*, character *blanked,* but not as bad as I have seen it in other writers. Still something to take noticed of when you are in your editing process to comb for and mix up. Really good beginning.
Thank you VERY much for your feedback! Between this and some notes a friend gave me, I've taken that to heart and have since updated the pdf with a cleaner version of the first chapter, rewriting a number of scenes, their descriptions and changing a lot of the dialogue to keep things from feeling too repetitive. And going forward, I will do my damnedest to keep mindful of repetition and overly bloated descriptions coming all at once. :)
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