On Semptember the 30th I had to make one of the most difficult decisions I ever had in my life; to have my beloved cat Little Flame put to sleep.

Edit: I have had cats previously but I all lost them to various different circumstances before that had reached old age or had become too sick that life was no longer enjoyable to them.

Little Flame had not been well for a very long time as he had a problem with bowels that prevented him from taking nourishment from the food he ate.
I never realized this for a long time though I should have when Little Flame started to loose weight two years ago despite that he continued to eat the same amount of food as he normally did.

But in June-Juli this year it had become so serious that even I could no longer deny it as Little Flame suddenly refused to eat. Not kibble or his favorite wet food and only little pieces of these little fish shaped cat treats that he normally loves so much.

He also became more lethargic, just wanting to lie down or huddle up but never really sleeping.
I of course was very worried about this and I did take him to the veterinarian who thought it was his kidneys as he was 10+ by now.
A blood exam later revealed that that was not the case.

Little Flame got a shot with anti biotics and special food and I took him home again.
He would only barely eat and continued to just want to huddle up and hide.
That evening though he had a little bit of an accident on the mat at the front door and the next day he started to become more interested in food again, giving me the idea that Little Flame had suffered from some kind of blockade.

I went to the vet again and she prescribed me special liquid dinner food that was to help his bowel flora to be “reactivated”, supplements, and another shot.

Little Flame seemed to be slowly improving in the next weeks, eating again, doing the things he enjoyed like watching through the front door window and the living room window, being able to leap onto the windowsill when he heard something interesting, and looking me up when I am in bed to wake me up because he is hungry or because he wanted to lay next to me.

But then Little Flame started to become weaker again. I first thought I had not feed him the special liquid diet food on a regular basis and that that might be the cause.
I took him to the veterinarian again who gave him another shot for his bowels which she by now had concluded were inflamed and more of the special food.

Unfortunate Little Flame's condition just did not want to improve despite that he always seemed to do so after one of those shots.
Very rarely would Little Flame actually still do something in these weeks as most of the time he just wanted to hide.
At least there was one after-summer day for him to enjoy outside as he strolled through the grass field behind my apartment.
One time when my guidance person came by and helped me with the dishes in the kitchen he came for us and asked for my attention, something which he did when he was healthy.
Little Flame even looked me up in the bathroom, another one of his little habits. I either have to pick him up and hold him as otherwise he is going to lie in my pants.

I visited the vet again, told her how he always improved after an injection so he got another one and I also got the medicine in pill form to put through the liquid diet food that if fed him.
It sadly did not help.

By now Little Flame had become very weak and thin. I could feel the bones in his body and when I picked him up he seemed to purr which either indicated he was happy or in pain.
He also started to have gunk around his eyes which I cleaned from time to time.

One more time to the vet, at this time I no longer cared for the expenses.
We had a photo made which showed that his heart and lungs were fine but but liver had shrunk and his bowels looked very inflated.

To be honest I knew already that Little Flame was in the last phase of his life but I just did not want to give up on him.
The veterinarian also tried to prepare me for this inevitability.
She told me I should just try to make him feel comfortable and feed him so that he would not be hungry and she gave me some pain killers for the pain he was probably feeling.

Little Flame no longer could leap any more around this time, he could not even pull himself up on the couch so I had made this staircase of pillows so he could get up on it when he wanted to lie down on the couch or the windowsill behind it.
He also could no longer reach the littler box in time and sometimes pied on a pile of papers that I had not brought to the recycling bin yet.

It was my guidance person who visited me again this past Wednesday who told me that it was time for me to let him go as he was looking more thin and miserable than the last time she had seen him, and watched how he just tried to hide all the time.
He now also made new sounds I have never heard before whenever I picked him up.

My guidance person tried to feed him some pastry. Little Flame was interested but he just could not eat it any more.

I told my guidance person that I wanted to keep him until he had become to weak but my guidance person, perhaps more rational in situations like this told me that it would be cruel and selfish of me to make him still go on like this. And that sooner or later I might one day during this week wake up and find him laying dead on the floor.

It is there and then that I decided to have Little Flame put to sleep despite how much it hurt me.
I made an appointment with my vet who also spoke with my guidance person, I wanted her to come with me when I took Little Flame to the vet for the final time.
If she was to accompany me I had to had to have Little Flame put to sleep that day as she could not go on another day, so we had an appointment fifteen minutes later.

Edit: I would much rather have had it that the veterinarian had come to my house to put Little Flame to sleep but because of the damn virus that was not possible.

I prepared Little Flame's transport box, putting something soft inside and then put Little Flame inside. It is almost as if he knew as he desperately tried to resist but he was so weak.

When we were waiting in the vet's waiting room my guidance person told me I should hold Little Flame against me one more time. Perhaps I was so overwhelmed that I had not considered that.

There was a minor delay with some other visitors and then it was our turn to go into the examination room.

Little Flame was just so scared as he was on that table and got the first injection that would put him under narcosis. I now can recall those desperate little eyes again and meows.
I held him as he went to sleep and continued to pet him.

Then he got the second ejection and after a few seconds the veterinarian told me he was gone though his little heart beat on for a few more seconds.

And then it was over and I realized I had lost my Little Flame, my cuddle cat who has been with me for these last awful twelve years and one of the few good things.

I did cry a lot during those minutes like I had done in the weeks before as I knew this terrible moment was coming, but there was also a part of my mind that was numb (and which still is) that was sort of telling me that it was over and that we now moved on.

My guidance person and I went back to my apartment and we talked for a while afterwards about Little Flame, how she had known him all his life, why some of the most terrible people in existence get to live long happy and rich lives, and some other subjects that I do not recall any more.

After she left I was alone in my apartment, realizing how much emptier it was.
Oh I do have another cat named Lapke, Little Flame's room mate, and while she is a sweet and friendly cat too she is not as affectionate as Little Flame.
I don't blame her for that as she had a rough life before I adopted her, she was the first adopted by a family with children who did not treat her that well, and then by a couple who had another cat who kept bullying her to the point that she hid most of the time.
When she was with me she started to get more out of her shell and enjoy life, being able to relax in general.
She and Little Flame however were never friends and from time to time Little Flame showed dominance behavior.

Lapke did come for pets and strokes but she is just not the kind of cat you can pick up and hold against you.

The last couple of days I still feel this weird feeling numbness, as if the death of Little Flame doesn't matter and I admit I have been looking at advertisements for animals looking for a new home.
I don't however want to think that I want to forget Little Flame as in the days before his death I have been telling people that one of my biggest fears is that I will forget Little Flame as I become older like I have with other cats.
Perhaps I did this more to distract myself from having lost him.

I am going to miss you a lot my little guy.


Goodbye Little Flame
From my life but not from my heart
2008-2020