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More from Naetholix
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This is really how I want to start the universe of the War of No End. After this, I plan on writing/drawing stuff that can be read in any order, but this is where it begins. If you read this, you will understand most of the beginnings on why the war began and you'll get an idea on where it currently is when Sol's timeline is applied to it.
I really hope people enjoy reading this and the shorties and the illustrations that I have planned for this saga. I really like the idea and think that like-minded individuals will get a real kick out of it.
So please, read, correct my grammar/spelling, critique the ideas and, overall, enjoy. Lemme know what you think. =P
Oh, and let me know if I should re-submit it as a different document type. I kept it as .doc to keep the formatting.
EDIT: Document edited thanks to the counseling of kirbix and arimah. Thanks you guys!
This is really how I want to start the universe of the War of No End. After this, I plan on writing/drawing stuff that can be read in any order, but this is where it begins. If you read this, you will understand most of the beginnings on why the war began and you'll get an idea on where it currently is when Sol's timeline is applied to it.
I really hope people enjoy reading this and the shorties and the illustrations that I have planned for this saga. I really like the idea and think that like-minded individuals will get a real kick out of it.
So please, read, correct my grammar/spelling, critique the ideas and, overall, enjoy. Lemme know what you think. =P
Oh, and let me know if I should re-submit it as a different document type. I kept it as .doc to keep the formatting.
EDIT: Document edited thanks to the counseling of kirbix and arimah. Thanks you guys!
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 30 kB
Mneeeehhh...
It feels a bit difficult to read. You're missing a lot of commas and semicolons from what I read. Other than that, it just doesn't really get my attention. Maybe it's just a personal preference. However, stuff like this: "scanning for anything that may pose a danger to him or the happy little whelp that danced around in front of him chasing a sidewinder whose venomous fangs were no match for the surk’s rough scales and thick hide" should be changed, IMO. That's a lot of stuff to read without any sort of punctuation.
It feels a bit difficult to read. You're missing a lot of commas and semicolons from what I read. Other than that, it just doesn't really get my attention. Maybe it's just a personal preference. However, stuff like this: "scanning for anything that may pose a danger to him or the happy little whelp that danced around in front of him chasing a sidewinder whose venomous fangs were no match for the surk’s rough scales and thick hide" should be changed, IMO. That's a lot of stuff to read without any sort of punctuation.
I agree, it could possibly be made into two sentences, but from my experience, it does pass for syntax and grammar. It's just long. =P But in proofreading it 3 times, once reading aloud, I find that all my dependant and independant clauses get their due amount of grammar and punctuation, that sentence included.
Thanks for the hit.
Thanks for the hit.
Well, the first error I can spot is this: "A young surk and his father made their way across the savannah, their sand-coloured scales nearly matched the ground upon which they walked" - the colon should be a semicolon.
However, I'm not a native English speaker, so you should take what I say with a grain of salt.
However, I'm not a native English speaker, so you should take what I say with a grain of salt.
I try to use the semicolon more for its traditional use in separating independent clauses that have opposite meanings or act as a comparison. I would argue that the use of a comma in that sentence was appropriate, since it's simply serving as a pause between descriptions while allowing me to not have to define the subject in two separate sentences.
And kids I play against online in Halo sure love to talk smack like a WWE wrestler even though they're 8 and their balls haven't even dropped.
He fought because he had to, which is how he became so marred and damaged. But he has a son (and possibly children), had a wife, and likely had a very happy, simple life before the Merge. This isn't the life he wanted, but he's made due. Who wouldn't miss their loved ones if they were taken from them for ever?
He fought because he had to, which is how he became so marred and damaged. But he has a son (and possibly children), had a wife, and likely had a very happy, simple life before the Merge. This isn't the life he wanted, but he's made due. Who wouldn't miss their loved ones if they were taken from them for ever?
Okay here's what I could come up with.
-Very fluid transitions between paragraphs and from an idea to another hint at optimizations.
-Lack of balance between some structures point to a new work - content is very condensed - the intro starts with two characters, leaving everything vague as a prelude, but should be at least two to three times longer to really ready for the transition to the explanation or succeed the historical briefing, followed by another abrupt transition back to the two characters. The speed of it gives more a sense of sidetracking than switching between scenes. I consider this a normal part of a first-write as you first sketch up the backbone of the story.
-Historical briefing - narrator's point of view lacks some consistency. The narrator seems oblivious as to how and why the events occured, yet appears omniscient as he explains the merge process down to atoms. This could easily be fixed by adding constructions such as "scientists theorized/concluded that" to the more in-depth parts.
-Rolling "r's" - I believe you were looking for "r"s or "R"s? :P Isolate the object you are speaking of(in this case the letter) THEN add the plural.
-Why do we fight the humans - convenient time to ask the question. You have here a pile of bones from first contact - a great symbol of the war itself, and a great opportunity to ask the question indeed. However, asking the question doesn't look linked to it. He had no moment of deeper thought or staring intently at the bones or introspection on any thoughts that crossed his mind when he saw them. You got the right elements, link them a little. :P
When you look at it it's not all that much. I've seen three times more issues with some new works although I must admit I have had the chance to witness first-write wonders too.
Abstracting from the textual structure and looking at the story itself, it shows great promise. It looks like an obvious yet unused way to create a PA world, it gives you a "why didn't I ever think of that" feeling and usually these kindsa works tend to be very good. :) A war with no end does indeed seem like a promising setting with many potential unexpected twists to be added. There is no distinct evil party, yet they cannot stop fighting either. Arguably even had the merge been peaceful humans living alongside other creatures would have been unfathomable. I'm looking forward to see what you're gonna do from here on.
The veteran - battlescarred, experienced, having tasted blood, yet valuing peace, looks compatible with you. :P He appears a great vessle to get your own ideas and thoughts out through, and I'm betting my buck that he'll be the main character. XD
-Very fluid transitions between paragraphs and from an idea to another hint at optimizations.
-Lack of balance between some structures point to a new work - content is very condensed - the intro starts with two characters, leaving everything vague as a prelude, but should be at least two to three times longer to really ready for the transition to the explanation or succeed the historical briefing, followed by another abrupt transition back to the two characters. The speed of it gives more a sense of sidetracking than switching between scenes. I consider this a normal part of a first-write as you first sketch up the backbone of the story.
-Historical briefing - narrator's point of view lacks some consistency. The narrator seems oblivious as to how and why the events occured, yet appears omniscient as he explains the merge process down to atoms. This could easily be fixed by adding constructions such as "scientists theorized/concluded that" to the more in-depth parts.
-Rolling "r's" - I believe you were looking for "r"s or "R"s? :P Isolate the object you are speaking of(in this case the letter) THEN add the plural.
-Why do we fight the humans - convenient time to ask the question. You have here a pile of bones from first contact - a great symbol of the war itself, and a great opportunity to ask the question indeed. However, asking the question doesn't look linked to it. He had no moment of deeper thought or staring intently at the bones or introspection on any thoughts that crossed his mind when he saw them. You got the right elements, link them a little. :P
When you look at it it's not all that much. I've seen three times more issues with some new works although I must admit I have had the chance to witness first-write wonders too.
Abstracting from the textual structure and looking at the story itself, it shows great promise. It looks like an obvious yet unused way to create a PA world, it gives you a "why didn't I ever think of that" feeling and usually these kindsa works tend to be very good. :) A war with no end does indeed seem like a promising setting with many potential unexpected twists to be added. There is no distinct evil party, yet they cannot stop fighting either. Arguably even had the merge been peaceful humans living alongside other creatures would have been unfathomable. I'm looking forward to see what you're gonna do from here on.
The veteran - battlescarred, experienced, having tasted blood, yet valuing peace, looks compatible with you. :P He appears a great vessle to get your own ideas and thoughts out through, and I'm betting my buck that he'll be the main character. XD
Why is it that the people who don't natively speak English kick my ass at literature? XD
There is a lead-in to the scientific explanation which you requested: "Those who studied the nature of the Merge theorized that..." and then it goes into the in-depth theory behind the event.
As for the question: He's just a kid. The fact that he's chasing a rattlesnake makes it obvious that he's a fledgling. I don't see why he'd need a moment of introspection to pose a question like that. Children tend to have sporadic thoughts and speak their mind without prejudice, which seems to be the case here.
And I'm fully aware that it isn't much. It's a prologue. I'm working on one more short-story to get things rolling and then I plan on making everything else as graphic as I possibly can. I want very little of this universe to be in writing.
Aaand I'll correct you on the last bit: Tran might not even appear in the series after this prologue. I put him in there and described him as such in order to give the reader the idea that this war was long and bloody, and that most of the Surks don't want to continue it. He fought his battles in service to his comrades, for the survival of his species. When his mate was killed, he decided enough was enough, and got his ass out of the fire to protect and raise his son. I may give him a cameo or something, but his purpose was solely for this prologue. Solàagstran will be the main character that I follow through most of the timeline.
There is a lead-in to the scientific explanation which you requested: "Those who studied the nature of the Merge theorized that..." and then it goes into the in-depth theory behind the event.
As for the question: He's just a kid. The fact that he's chasing a rattlesnake makes it obvious that he's a fledgling. I don't see why he'd need a moment of introspection to pose a question like that. Children tend to have sporadic thoughts and speak their mind without prejudice, which seems to be the case here.
And I'm fully aware that it isn't much. It's a prologue. I'm working on one more short-story to get things rolling and then I plan on making everything else as graphic as I possibly can. I want very little of this universe to be in writing.
Aaand I'll correct you on the last bit: Tran might not even appear in the series after this prologue. I put him in there and described him as such in order to give the reader the idea that this war was long and bloody, and that most of the Surks don't want to continue it. He fought his battles in service to his comrades, for the survival of his species. When his mate was killed, he decided enough was enough, and got his ass out of the fire to protect and raise his son. I may give him a cameo or something, but his purpose was solely for this prologue. Solàagstran will be the main character that I follow through most of the timeline.
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