(this thing doesn't exist but in the future I want to get one commisshed for me)

Darrel Plushies! They're 14", can be taken apart and reassembled with velcro limbs, and if you squeeze it it says one of ten phrases including:

"Thanks for that, tough guy!"
"Today ain't your day, pancakes!"
"Yeahehea!"
"DING DONG!"

and more!

AND IT'S SOFT! YOU CANNOT RESIST THE SOFT!