Well, I haven't planned that far ahead, and I wasn't even thinking of that track. Alright, I'll read over it and re-edit it, now reading over it I can see all the blips in it

Lol, Monty Python reference

Yeah I will, don't worry

Interesting, definitely has potential. Although, Rebecca was probably very displeased when Shaun used the "It's not you, It's me" line. Ouch. XD

I can see this going on well and becoming a nice narrative, but you really must keep your grammar in check.
Aside from that single point, I look forward to reading more about these two.

Yeah, that's a very painful line to use, usually that'sjust a coverup, but inthis case Shaun was serious. Well, at least she took it well, somewhat

Yeah, I read it out load to myself and I saw how apeshit my grammer was. I even saw misspells and words that were typed in the wrong places or missing entirely! I actually typed a lot of this very quickly during a double-free period and I pressured myself to upload this by the time the bell went. I went over it now and did MAJOR overhauls to it.

I've uploaded a new one, can you pweese read it and tell me if it's better?

Sure thing dude.

I still feel like a dumbass not reading over this properly before uploading

Baaah, it's seriously not as bad as some people *COUGHRAVENCOUGH* make out.

Well, he's a ginger, and as Cartman would put it "G-I-N-G-E-R-S have no souls" so it's no surprise he's so harsh :P

D'aww, don't diss his gingerness. I got a thing for gingers XP

I don't really mean it, none of usdo. It's just a running gag between us friends of him beinga souless ginger, like how for me the running gag is how I'm the group fag :P

Well, to be honest, I find ginger hair sexy as well :P

I've definitely got a soft spot for freckles, their cute XD

I dunno bout the freckles, it's the hair colour for me, mostly

How so?

I dunno, I just find that hair colour attractive, like how people find blonde hair attractive

Hmm. Well, each to their own.

Yup, and that's my philosophy

The story so far is very sad, but interesting.

Well, the writing was pretty shit on this one. I majorly overhauledit and uploaded a new one

Thanks, btw

You're welcome.

ha, (sorry, i'll read it later)
i like the title. mainly because i know a guy named shawn, and my name is johnny. and we were together :P

Read the new one I've uploaded. I typed this really quickly and didn't proofread it so it's crap. I fixed and improved it greatly, and I'm ashamed I uploaded this thing in this state. :(

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3908065

not exactly a good one comparatively to the previous story. Yes, you've done some changes but you have so much more to learn about story lines and how to make them.

First off, I would like to strongly suggest that you make paragraph in there. I honestly didn't read much in here, nor did I actually know what's happening because it hurts my eyes really bad. It was like.. blocks after blocks after blocks of jumbled up words. You need to change that because I've been on FF.net for far too long and every time I'm there, I kept seeing stories like this. the very first thing that I would do is click the back button and that's it.

Secondly, the adjective for conversations. It's very.. very.. VERY bland and boring. There isn't any expression, just talk talk talk talk, especially the last one. Here is one example:

'Rebecca, hun, I need to tell you something' He fidgeted along the way.

'Yes Shaun, what is it?'

Rebecca was looking very uncomfortable around Shaun now. 'Look, remember how I said I was applying to some universities?'

'Yeah, what about it?' Shaun replied nonchalantly.

She stammered for a while with a pause before blurting it all out. 'I..I got accepted'

See the flow in the story? You need to add those stuff in and not just make the flow like it's all conversation. If you do that, it's going to be quite bland and.. boring.. Very boring...

The amount of adjective in your story is not enough. They are not beautiful enough. You need to build on them. Take it this way. Read more stories. When you read more stories around, try to identify the adjective around and those words that you don't know, look it up. make a whole adjective book for yourself. Well, that's what I did when I was at your stage. Reading up more and more stories, writing down most of the words in a book and look into it every so often.

Okay? I'm sorry but I didn't read much on the story. >.<. I hope it helped.

LOL! What do you mean listen to me! I'm just a public opinion, an opinion as a lousy writer only. >.<.

Better opinion isn't mine but someone elses. I know a few people and trust me, you DON'T want them review this... they will kill you inside out.

LOL! he can take it. ^^

Oh, c'mon. Am I THAT sensative? Well, if you think I'm sensative that's cuz you're a lump of coal in comparison, you have no feelings besides 'horny' and 'narcissistic'

I DID make paragraphs in this thing when I created it in Word, then I copied it into Notepad to upload it as a .txt but it removed all my paragraphs! From now on I'm uploading as .doc

Ok, I'll admit I was actually typingthis very quickly and actually rushing through it. I didn't even proofread it before uploading. I read it and I realised how crap it was! My grammer, sentence structure, spelling, flow, it was all shit! There were even words missing and that changed the context of someof the sentences completely. I did major overhauls to it and can you read the new one now? I hope its better

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3908065