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Ok, I SERIOUSLY apologise for the utterly atrocious quality of my "Shaun and Johnny" story. I took some advice, read it over, and noticed all the horrible grammer errors, misspells, poor sentence structure and all that crap.
I was writing that at extremely high speed, during a free period at school, and I didn't read over it to edit it. Well, I have doen that now. I majorly overhauled the grammer, sentence structure, misspells and made the dialoguemore descriptive. Hope this makes it better! :3
We follow Johnny i Wayne County Airport in Detroit, where he's waiting for next and final flight to Ashville. He accidentally bumps into that same coyote from earlier, and tries to find a Starbucks.
Meanwhile, we delve into Shaun's backstory, learning how he had never actually shown an interest in girls and has always been more interested in his cars than relationships. We also learn about the emptiness he felt with his first and only girlfriend, and the painful breakup
I was writing that at extremely high speed, during a free period at school, and I didn't read over it to edit it. Well, I have doen that now. I majorly overhauled the grammer, sentence structure, misspells and made the dialoguemore descriptive. Hope this makes it better! :3
We follow Johnny i Wayne County Airport in Detroit, where he's waiting for next and final flight to Ashville. He accidentally bumps into that same coyote from earlier, and tries to find a Starbucks.
Meanwhile, we delve into Shaun's backstory, learning how he had never actually shown an interest in girls and has always been more interested in his cars than relationships. We also learn about the emptiness he felt with his first and only girlfriend, and the painful breakup
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 37.5 kB
Far better than the first one that you did, yes but you still need work on your words and sentences. Adjecvtives were good there, quite okay; not to say that it's really good but not bad as wel.
One big advise on bubble thought: Always have them under italic. Yes, italic. When a character is thinking, the word should be in italic to indicate that a character is thinking. Also, have them in a different paragraph. When you jumble them up all together like that, as talking and thinking, it makes us readers a little confuse.
You have many missing places on punctuation. It's capital when it's there and it's not capital when it's not there. So.. you may want to proof read on that again. Scrutinize along the whole sentence. You're missing many period places after a sentence. You must know when is the right time for a period for a sentencce and a comma for a sentence.
Other than that, nothing much but you have a long way to go from this point on. Okay, now, you can kill me for being a smart alec. >.<
One big advise on bubble thought: Always have them under italic. Yes, italic. When a character is thinking, the word should be in italic to indicate that a character is thinking. Also, have them in a different paragraph. When you jumble them up all together like that, as talking and thinking, it makes us readers a little confuse.
You have many missing places on punctuation. It's capital when it's there and it's not capital when it's not there. So.. you may want to proof read on that again. Scrutinize along the whole sentence. You're missing many period places after a sentence. You must know when is the right time for a period for a sentencce and a comma for a sentence.
Other than that, nothing much but you have a long way to go from this point on. Okay, now, you can kill me for being a smart alec. >.<
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