It me~ My fursona character Marley!

She's technically an ayvion, which is a creature I made up. They don't have anthro shapes tho. I just threw one onto her.

I usually draw my fursonas as dumb-looking sheepish animals. But after like 3 years of therapy I decided I don't want to be stupid and sheepish anymore.

This fursona is probably the closest to how I am in real life. Unfortunately my brown hair doesn't take to the silver hombre I've been trying to wear, so it's faded. But I do like the look so might try again some day.

I've always rejected being fat because--society. But I'm doing my best to accept it these days. It's not easy, when you hear casual fat-shaming from the world over. People say things flippantly that are very hurtful. Like... I can't go to any store in the mall except Lane Bryant and Torrid and fit in the clothes there.

I've considered bariatric surgery. But unfortunately I may have a fat disorder. In a few weeks I'm getting tested to see if I have a degenerative fat disorder called lipedema, also called the painful fat disease. My legs are very painful when pressed. Like, when the cat makes biscuits on them it hurts soooooo much, and not because she's using claws. I just thought everyone was like that, but apparently not. If I have lipedema, then bariatric surgery will do nothing for me.

I only learned of the disease because an artist posted a drawing of their legs after being diagnosed. It's a common disorder, up to 11% of women have it, and the fat does not respond to exercise and calorie reductions. There is no cure, and only liposuction can reduce the fat. It occurs due to genetics and also hormone problems, of which I have. I live with PMDD, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, in which my brain reacts 10 times worse to the fluctuation of female hormones released during the menstrual cycle. It makes my moods very volatile, increases suicidal ideation, saps my energy, and gives me awful cramps, all before my cycle starts. I take a combination of anti-depressants and hormonal birth control to keep my brain stable.

Lipidema would explain why my legs are so huge despite doing a year of Tae Kwon Do, diet counseling, gym workouts, and even getting a personal trainer before the Covid hit. Hopefully I'll have some answers soon.

Despite all of the above, lipedema is a progressive disease and liposuction is not covered by insurance even though it may be the only thing to keep me from developing lymphedema, an even worse disease. In order to remove the diseased fat, I may need 5 - 8 sessions of lipo. And it will be out of my own pocket.

I'm slowly facing the fact that my body will probably never be acceptable to society, at least in my lifetime. I'll never be able to go into the mall and walk into a random clothing store. Dress shops won't carry my size. Airplane seats will always be painful, as will most chairs with arms. I'll always be squishing the person next to me.

If I want to do 8 sessions of lipo, I will spend the rest of my life working for it. 10K per surgery. I'm 29, and in 10 years I'll be 39. Possibly 10+ years In and out of a plastic surgeons offices.

If I don't have lipedema, then bariatric surgery may be my next bet. But even that will be changing my body irrevocably. I'm currently on a liquid protein program suggested by my doctor. Diet and exercise did not work, so my last resort is to simulate a bariatric diet before getting the surgery. I've been on liquid protein for about 3 months, but only 1 month have I finally been able to get my calories around 1200 and not feel sick with hunger. I drink a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, have hard-boiled eggs as snacks, and drink a cup of tea in the morning and at lunch. I can have a healthy meal for dinner. Working out while I'm on this program is hard, because I don't have a lot of energy. I get dizzy when I do outside work. Instead, I stand for 4 hours at work, and I just got a treadmill from a friend, so I'm going to start walking as well.

It this doesn't work, it's going to a totally liquid diet following the bariatric process to a T. If that doesn't work... well. It's either time to accept things, or time to get the surgery.

We'll see how I feel when I reach that bridge.