Preface: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39913179/



January - Habit

The beginning of 2021 is rife with hope for the new and nostalgia for a lifetime of social habits being forced to die. It is a shame that we all must come to grips with the world we all live in. I am choosing to begin this year of coping and healing by studying my own habits. Humans are all creatures of habit. The small errands and ticks that each of us perform barely conscious of whether or not they actually occurred. Maybe that person has a small bit of chocolate every time she passes by the bowl in the dining room. Or the guy that always gets a beer when he gets home from work. I would be lying if I claimed to be anything else but another ritualistic monster.
I want to resume or begin new sets of habits. January seemed like the perfect time to begin this. With most people starting their New Year’s Resolution to lose weight or go to the gym. I have made my first goal in a similar vein. By no means unfit, I have been attempting to get a definable muscle for some time. After losing 100 pounds (45 kilos) over the course of 8 months I have a decent starting place of a lean man. To easily check off the “Work on my physique” part of this month in a single app. Sworkit isn’t a good app and does a lot to try to gouge you. However, they are doing something interesting that I have never done before. A challenge to complete a certain amount of workouts. They describe it as a modern “stay at home” workout class that is entirely virtual. Selecting the one for muscle development, I signed up and filled in my information. The class begins on Jan 4th and I have some decent hopes!
Claiming that I am a writer should not be a shock to anyone reading this. However, the last few years have been hampered by the output of anything. Short stories for friends, letters, notes, and essays were my entire world for longer than I can remember. A brief re-opening between college allowed me to flex my old writing muscles and find a new home within the furry community of writers. Now that I am free from the shackles of school, I have claimed to want to write a minimum of 1000 words a day for the entirety of 2021. Leaving me with a total of 365,000 words published by the end of the year. For context, the average novel is about 100,000 words. Harry Potter and the Stone of cultural debate is 76,944 words. While the entire Lord of the Rings series is 576,459 words. To imagine that I want to write over half of the Lord of the Rings series in a year is insane. For this goal, I have enlisted the readers of mine to request stories. With no boundary of what I will write about, I will be pushed and pulled in new directions with my art. This experiment is alright a highlight in its preconception.
The last interesting habit I wished to cultivate was to resume streaming. Early in 2020, I began as a streamer on twitch, blindly playing Fallout: New Vegas. While I finished with streaming a total of five or so games in their entirety I stopped when I had the previous stated depressive slump in March of 2020. The quarantine alert that hit Arizona sparked my anxiety to a massive amount, triggering a full depressive episode. That ended my streaming career. As one can imagine crying into the pillow every night is not conducive to being a successful entertainer. While I am now on a mood stabilizer, that at the time of writing has worked well enough that I feel comfortable enough to begin again. While I am trying to embrace the spirit of the project and steam as much as I possibly can. The thought of it fills me with dread a little bit. I am not exactly sure if why, or if the act of streaming is unrelated to the anxiety. At the moment I have only the intention to stream four days a week for a maximum of three hours each time. I think that a good way to get back into streaming would be to stream the culture exchange project between me and my roommate.
When we first moved in together we made a deal that we would each make a list of video games. When we had twelve games on that list we presented it to the other person. This list of video games were required playing that next year. With the idea that a single month was plenty of time to comfortably tackle any game from that list. Since I find it easier, and more pleasurable to stream games that I have never played before, the match seemed perfect. While up to now I have failed one of the required games with Paper Mario: The One-Thousand Year Door, I was forgiven.
The last and least interesting of the new habits I am trying to form is a general “adult” ability or the necessary skills that need to be cultivated to live and thrive in modern adult life. While these types of skills are never very interesting to learn, and even less write about, they are necessary. Cooking, cleaning, repair work, and general coping skills are on my list of adult skills. Cooking and repair work are more continuations of current hobbies and the excluded are needed to be worked on. For cleaning, I am using the method of reframing, talked about more in Rubin’s book, it is the idea that one can change the motivation behind an activity to make it more pleasurable. For me, reframing cleaning as just extra cardio has drastically improved my own motivation to do it as the extra cardio in my day will accelerate my fitness results.
Week 1 Progress:
Yesterday was my first day “off” from this project. While involuntary, it was weird not trying to hold myself to the standard I have been for several days before. Although something monumental happened yesterday and it is worth at least putting down my thoughts on this at the time rather than when it was assigned through this project. 1/6/2021 the US President attempted to overthrow congress with a militia coup. While the event was a failure and it does appear he will be ousted before his official leaving, I am in a whirlwind of emotions. I am both embarrassed, angry, sad, happy, and many many other things I do not have the energy to list. I am depressed that citizens and peoples living with the United States felt the need to ransack the Capitol building on the orders of a man who holds extremely little power over them. While the cult master does indeed hold a tremendous amount of power, for the layman, he holds little. He did not force them, nor are they under any legal obligation to attend. It was willing. That is what disturbed me the most. It was a willing attempt to murder many members of congress, the gallows on the front lawn, the militia with zip-tie handcuffs, and all the threats of murder on their websites. The quote that sticks with me the most was how building the gallows was ineffective, claiming it was more effective with a cable, a light pole, and a car. All of it is extremely upsetting on a level I have not seen since my own race was pointed out to me by one of them. For those of you reading this who have not experienced something as morally troubling as this, I envy you. Living without the world attempting to force you to internalize the shame of your skin color must be a truly freeing feeling.
The rest of this section is going to be about the following, the feasibility of the habits I am trying to form, their long-term effects on my health and mental health, as well as any, affects directly or indirectly caused by the habits that are being created through this month. I do not believe that everything I have listed for this month is entirely feasible. This is not an issue of want, it is an issue of time. Anyone artist with a job can attest that it is nearly impossible to balance the two in equal measure. You have your craft on one side, that vies for enough time as one’s perfectionism demands, and the other which is the lifeblood of the modern era. Without the former an artist becomes depressed, without the latter they become homeless. My mission of writing for 1000 worlds every single day, was a lofty one and I do intend to keep that promise as much as my health will allow me to do so.
With time not on my side, I have to choose sometimes. The three habits I am planning to build each take about as much time as each other. The effort it takes to build my body at the homemade gym takes about enough time as it does for me to write my 1000 words. I am deeply concerned with the feasibility of time as I go into future months. The concern is magnified once it is revealed that I have yet to begin streaming for 12 hours a week.
The long term effects of all of these on my health, both mental and physical, is a rather easy one. Even with a brief amount of time that I have been working on my body for this program, I have already begun to see the change. The skin around my arms, a part of the body that is notorious for holding a major fat reserve, has begun to shrink slightly as my arms. While it will take many many months before any major change occurs, the fact that the end that the measurements are all trending to is extremely promising. As stated to a friend earlier today on Discord, “I want to be as fit as my fursona, I feel it’s disingenuous to be anything less.” Even loftier than before now.
As far as the mental effects of this project, so far, I am just tired. The amount of work that has to happen for all of these new habits to form is a high one. Anyone who has worked out committedly can attest to how much time it takes. Anyone who writes can attest to how much time it takes. Anyone who streams can attest to how much time it takes. Each on their own is not a lot of work. Together they drain my sense of working energy by the time I go to bed. There is very little “resting” that has happened in these last seven days and it again leaves me wondering. Is it even possible to do this project without compromising on these? Are these habits worth all of this added stress to my existence? Again I am of two minds. Yes, they are. I want to be a writer and challenge myself within my craft. I want to be fit and maintain the new musculature I am adding to my body. I want to be a streamer that entertains people online. They all take so much time when balanced with a job and that creates stress. If I do wish to continue these habits after this project has concluded it might be worth it to consider adding stress management to a month. The extra work on discovering new coping techniques could make this entire project infinitely more enjoyable instead of fulfilling but, vaguely and ethereally frustrating.
Week 2 Progress:
Most of this week I have been very sick. With the Capitol attack also happening early this week it kind of derailed me. Pre-context; I have always been interested in politics. My first declared major was political sciences, back in 2010. Being a gay, person of color only amplifies my innante rage at the “system”, i.e. blatantly racist and/or homophobic insitutions. Since I have been stuck at home, recovering from something. (It is impossible for me to get tested for Covid-19 for free in the state of Arizona, since the testing centers cost money if your insurance isn’t yada yada, it’s irrelevant.) It is only to say, I am unsure if I am a contagious mess of virus or it is only my asthma acting up. Regardless at the time of writing this I am going to be going to my high risk essential work job with a messy cough, minor fevers, and minor chills. Needless to say, throughout this paragraph I have thoroughly blamed the inadequacies of my Republican Governor Doug Douchey for the lack of… well… anything when it came to Covid-19.
Needless to say, I have been a bit distracted this week. From protesting, at my own home, a civic need in my moral view, to shivering over the toilet vomiting my lungs out. I cancelled my request-a-thon, and stopped writing as much. Now that week two has begun, I am adding streaming four days a week onto my pile of generalized stuff I do a week. Though, I am still too sick to speak for the time needed, my first streams will be entirely voiceless. The thing is I want to form the habit of simply “doing” them. In any configuration they come out. Writing included, I have focused my writing not on smut, but my own novels instead. My happiness project and the Never Surrender(later renamed Infiaerra) novels, both have superseded any desire to play to my audience. It sort of feels like I’m starting back at zero. I suppose that is the life of a writer, even an ameteur one, the non-confidence in trying something new. It is not a lack of self-confidence, it is a lack of knowledge about the confidence in this new voice I am trying to foster. The voice of a novelist, and author rather than some second-rate writer of smut on the internet. I do suppose that every writer has to start somewhere, why not in a romance that is a romance so unlike romance it baffles the normal? This is a question I need to come back to next month.
Week 3 Progress:
Since the sickness this month has gone off the rails with plans changed and internal compromises a plenty. It’s upsetting to me in a way. I have to measure my expectations with the limits of my own body and time. Why should any of us have to? In the ideal world, we wouldn’t have to measure those expectations and simply let ourselves go wild. But, sadly that is not the way of the present and I have decided to make some tough changes to the habits that I wanted to foster in this month of growth.
In the middle of a panic attack, the afternoon I got home from work, my roommate took me by the shoulders and said some very intelligent words.
“I was doing some reading and thought of you,” his smile cracked slightly as he spoke. ”Don’t suffer in the rules you make. Or something like that.” He tried to explain the words. I have heard them many times before, unknowingly he quoted Jordan B. Peterson, a psychologist that studies religious belief.
I was doing just that, however, I do feel that was intentional within the spirit of the project. So I must re-examine the project and adjust to prevent this internalized suffering in the future. Let me begin with what will no longer be happening. The request service for stories has been cancelled. That does not mean I will not be writing, but that the writing will be of a more novel type rather than a simple short stories from my fan base. The adjusted goals are as follows: by the end of the year, write 2 novels and a single novella. They all already have plots and should be simple enough if I commit 3-4 thousand words chapters a month for each. By the end of the year they will be of novel length. While much less than the entirety of Lord of the Rings, still it would be impressive and completely within my abilities.
I will no longer be streaming, or streaming under different conditions. I am terribly undecided on whether or not to continue that. While it is an activity that I enjoy the idea of framing myself within a public lens is frustratingly anxiety inducing. At the moment I have no plan on continuing with my twitch, although the possibility for me to pick it back up is still ever present. At the moment I am exploring the possibility of manufacturing a podcast or show type of content to be present but that is well within its early stages.
This project has very much shown that attempting to be who I want to be is not who I am. I am not the grand entertainer that I thought I was.
Week 4 Progress:
This section is supposed to be “what I am going to do continuing forward, based on what I learned.” I have learned so much in these very long 4 weeks. I have discovered that I am not who I want to be. While that pill is an extremely bitter pill to swallow, blindly swallow it I did. While this week I have done remarkably little in the name of these projects. I have worked out only a small amount and have finished my writing project this month. It leaves me wondering what I should do with the amount of free time I have left. This project was supposed to fill that void and give me something to hold onto and proudly say “Look, this. I did that.”
While it has not turned into that, it has turned into something more aetherial and strangely pleasing. Like a stubble vibration that is undetectable if not for how awful it feels when it leaves. There are so many things that I want to do moving forward, both in and out of this project. Regardless, the fact is the habits I wanted to cultivate turned out not to be the habits I should cultivate.
Instead, I am proposing the following as I move forward with the remaining year. The work on body shape and muscle work will continue. My writing will continue, although at a small fraction of what it was supposed to be. The goal is to finish three novels by the end of the year. Two with thirteen chapters, one non-fiction and one fiction. The last will be an exploratory feitsh novel that will begin next month.
While unmentioned, linguistics has been a fun subject I have been studying in my freetime. I am conversational in Spanish and working on my first symbolic language with Japanese. This should have been included in the project from the start but, was not. It’s late inclusion though is needed, because of how much it has consumed me recently.
I must admit, I am exhausted. Driving myself to write this weekly update was a chore itself, and I am rewarding myself with a giant plate of nachos and marijjuana. I must never look at something that comes so easy to me, like writing, and believe that I can do something as intense as writing a novel. Absurd and egotistical. However, considering that chapter one of this is nearly done and chapter one of my other novel has been published for a few days now. I cannot say that I am not minorly thrilled to have merely “done” it. It’s done, and I can look at it and say “That, I did that.” A uniquely pleasurable experience.
Conclusion:
Well, this is the end of the first month of this project. Something I did not even think I would actually make it to. As with most average people, I have quit my fare share of resolutionatory projects over my lifetime. Things that I wished I could do, or convinced myself I would like, abandoned. I am always left in a similarly disheartened mood. What if I am worthless? What if I never find what I enjoy doing? The spiral continues so on forever. While I cannot claim that I understand why I do the things I do and dislike the weird existence I have created for myself. It does bring me to a new conclusion.
In writing, there is a scene called the “call to adventure,” it beckons for the hero to take stride the reigns of the story and continue forth into the plot. It is supposed to fill the reader with a similar feeling of wanting to continue to watch the adventure unfold by reading the story. A similar feeling to that has occurred within me. I have a sense of adventure, of missing something in my life that I am trying to find. I do not know what it is, but I do know what is not. It is not the commissioned based writer, nor the streamer, nor the politician, nor the scientist, nor the doctor, nor whatever else. It’s both equally discouraging and encouraging. While I feel this month’s project ultimately became a failure, the mere idea that I experienced it has been improving to me. It has shown me that I need to find something else to focus on and that I simply do not know what it is.