The Sheep Detective
© 2021 by Walter Reimer


Thumbnail art by  scotikproductions



“Dude,” I said, “this is effed up.”

It was effed up.

“Yeah,” Donna says. “This is effed up.”

Why was it effed up? Well, me and Donna had gone out to eat, and we were planning on coming back here to my place. Why? None of your business, but when we get to my apartment the front door’s hanging by one hinge.

Somebody broke into my place. Way uncool, dude.

My television’s gone, my computer’s gone, and stuff’s thrown all over the place. One of my pillowcases is missing off the bed, so that’s what they carried the stuff out with.

For a while, all we did was stand there while Donna stroked my ears until my tail stopped flagging. Like me, she’s a rabbit, and a pretty doe too.

I finally say, “Dude, this is effed up,” and I dig my phone out of my pocket and call the cops.

About twenty minutes later, two cops show up. One’s a cat and the other’s a rabbit like me, and they poke around and write some stuff down. While they’re writing, a couple canines come in and start getting black dust everywhere while looking for fingerprints.

Finally some guy, a bear, comes up the stairs and steps into my place. He’s in street clothes, and he introduces himself as a detective. Even though we told everything to the cops, he wants to hear it all again.

Maybe I should set it to music. Probably won’t be as good as Yeah I Tappd That, but what is?

So we’re standing around talking, and the bear suddenly sniffs. “Are either of you smoking anything, sir?” he asks me.

“No, dude, I didn’t have any in the place,” and me and Donna and the cops and the dogs looking for prints all sniff. “Hmm, yeah, that’s herb, though.”

“Good herb,” Donna says.

“The very best herb,” and I turn and look at the door.

“Hey, little woolly dude,” I say as the sheep comes on in. “Come on in,” I say, “the door’s open.” The sheep strolls on in, and he’s wearing an overcoat over his floral shirt.

Makes sense. If he wore it under his shirt, it wouldn’t be an overcoat.

Still not wearing pants, though.

“Dude, you got broke in,” the sheep says. “That’s heavy and uncool.”

“It’s effed up,” Donna says. My doe’s cute nose is twitching, and she giggles. “That’s great herb.”

“The very best herb,” the sheep says.

The detective asks, “Sir, are you smoking?”

The sheep looks up at the bear, and then looks at himself. “Why? Am I on fire?” He giggles, and Donna and one of the guys dusting for prints giggle too. “I’m not, but that might be,” and his not-a-pipe drifts in through the open window, puffing little clouds of smoke into the kitchen.

I breathe in deeply. Yeah, that is superlative herb.

From the looks on their faces, the cops think so too.

The bear says, “Sir, this is a crime scene.”

“A crime scene?” The sheep looks up at me. “What happened, dude?”

“Someone broke in and stole some stuff of mine,” I say.

“Dude,” the sheep shakes his head, and takes a hit off his pipe. He offers it around and says, “That’s effed up.”

“Really effed up,” the police cat chuckles. The police dog with him just smiles and the two crime scene dogs are giggling.

“We’ll have to look for clues,” the sheep says, and the three canine dudes all get on all fours and start sniffing around. The cat hisses at them and climbs up on the kitchen counter.

The bear sniffs and smiles as the not-a-pipe puffs its way past him. “Toot-toot,” he mumbles as it goes by, and he takes a seat on the floor as the one cop and the two crime scene guys keep sniffing.

One of the guys suddenly gets on his feet, takes off his belt and it turns into a leash that he snaps onto a collar. He gives the other end to the detective.

The bear looks at the leash. “You found something?” All three dogs nod. “Cool, let’s go,” and he gets up and follows the dogs out of my apartment.

“That’s great herb,” the other policefur, the cat, says from his perch on top of my fridge.

“You want anything to eat?” Donna asks.

“A saucer of milk would be nice,” the cat says, while the sheep takes a seat in midair.

A little strange, but that’s him.

Donna and I settle down on the couch to wait and enjoy the herb. The smoke’s getting a little thick, and after a while all we can see are shadows moving inside the clouds. As if my doe and I care; we’re just happy to sit and cuddle for a while.

Don’t know how long it took, but there’s my landlord standing there. “Hello,” I say.

“You were broken into?” the guy asks. He takes a deep breath and sighs. “I’ll get the door fixed in the morning,” he says, and he wanders out.

“Nice guy,” the cat says, preening his whiskers.

“Real nice,” the sheep says. “Want another hit?”

“No, dude, I’m cool,” the police guy replies. He bats at his tail with his paws, giggling.

Me and Donna’s ears perk up. Rabbits, right? You can tell when we hear something, and what we hear is barking as the two crime scene dudes come walking into the apartment. Two other guys come in, a fox terrier and a beagle. They’re both in pawcuffs with the police dog right behind them, and the bear brings up the rear with my pillowcase in one paw and my TV in the other.

It’s a not a big TV, don’t look at me like that.

The police cat climbs down from the fridge, and he says, “Cool, you caught them.”

“Man, this is effed up,” the beagle says.

The sheep says, “Don’t you two, like, have the right to remain silent?”

The fox and the beagle look at each other, surprised that their mouths are missing.

“Is this your stuff?” the detective asks.

I look inside the pillowcase. “Yeah, that’s mine. Cool.”

“We have to take it for evidence,” the bear says as the cops take the beagle and the terrier out and down the stairs. “You’ll get it back – unless you need it tonight.”

I look at Donna.

Donna looks at me.

“We’re cool,” we say together.

“Cool,” the bear says, and he and the two crime scene guys leave.

The sheep drifts toward the door. “Thanks, little woolly dude,” I say.

“It’s cool,” he says. “In fact, it’s elementary.” He drifts on out, with his pipe following him out.

Donna and me spent part of the night playing with blocks and learning the alphabet.

After that?

None of your business, but it was cool.


end