They say when there's a failure to create enough energy to resist the intrinsic force of gravity due to it's own density there comes a collapse. If the object (i.e a very big star) possesses sufficient mass the matter implodes to a density that is sufficent to draw in anything in it's ability of influence. The scientific terms are arcane yet that's what I gather from what I can understand of the basics.
The more it can devour (light, physical material trapped in the event horizon), the heavier it gets, and as it grows larger the more it aggregates within it's subjective power in space time through the gravity well of it's energy as it's sphere of influence increases (sphere being subjective, since it's both a roundness and a flatness...I think?)
I'm sure there are certain equations for this, though I'm hopeless at mathematics. I'm an armchair physicist at best. Wikipedia is my only map.
Yet it begs a certain question, doesn't it? When they all grow large enough, slow down time and begin to draw together and combine...is that why? The unthinkable end could in actuality be the beginning. Right now the largest exist at the center of galaxies, which are moving away from eachother faster than the speed of light (how can that be...do some reading), yet at what point do event horizons draw in enough through 'heaviness' to slow space time and allow for all the energy that is to recombine?
I'll never know for sure, of course, the Recombine is an incomprehensible innumeration of light years away from my life time, yet it profers a belief that may provide a small relief to this self accusation that I'm crazy.
Further, there's dark matter, which seems to be the source of the generation of gravity, though there's virtually no explanation as to what it truly is or why it exists even if the greatest minds currently living believe it to be a key to understanding the current state of physicality.
Wait...fuck I just blacked out and crashed my jet. Ex-fox trying to understand the hearts of stars guess I was asking for it.
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I'm not sure if what you say is wrong or not, yet...can you ever come back and just be normal? Things like a summer day, a smile, someone you love holding your hand, a sunlit park and ice cream and a happy dog chasing a tennis ball...there's a lot that life has to offer, no? Do you really have to do this to yourself? Can't you just close the eyes of that horrible lizard in your head, stop drinking poison and be a normal human for once, instead of flipping over the metaphorical bug infested rock, realize this state offers so much rather than focus on what it's not?
Come back. Believe in magic.
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I can't. The captain lost his belief long ago. He did, you know. This ship has a twisted ghost at the helm now and all the sails are bellied full.
I appreciate you trying though, whoever you are. We've become estranged, haven't we? While we're on the subject of physics I suppose time warps us all, doesn't it? You're still my friend, and I know you'll try to get me back until the end.
Thanks for that. I'm sorry you'll fail.