I want to sincerely apologize to all the people who expect art from me for taking so long to fulfill their orders.

But I must explain myself to you. I want to finally tell you all why I draw for so long, sometimes I don't respond to messages for several days, and other things that I am very ashamed of in front of you.

Everything that I will tell you now is not an indulgence or an attempt to justify myself. I am really guilty and very much so. Especially about how long it took me to get together and tell you everything.

It started in 2014, before I joined the FA. And every year it got worse. And for these last 6 years, I've been feeling a lot of self-loathing. To what I do, how I look, how I behave. To my entire existence. I used to think it was because of my teenage years, but now I'm in my 20s and nothing changes. It's only getting worse.

Because of this constant nervous breakdowns, because of which I cut off all communication with people and just try to get through it through a dream.
Every time I want to disappear, I constantly think about how to do it, how to die, so that no one will find me. And at the same time, I worry so much about my family and even study the information about which funerals are cheaper, so that I do not even burden them with their death.

This is not normal. And I know that very well. Recently, I have been constantly spending on specialists, but nothing helps me at all, and there is simply not enough money.
I constantly think that people hate to look at me, that they hate to communicate with me. I constantly think that only when confronted with me, people will simply ridicule and humiliate me behind my back.

I'm scared, but it's paranoid.

And so it is in any society. I feel threatened and afraid. I don't feel safe. I've stopped going out, I don't really talk to anyone. I'm just scared. I feel like a monster and a jerk.
I haven't seen my family since the end of 2019 for the same reason.
Even this text and this sketch I tried to do 5 times exactly. I prepared for a month, wrote a couple of words, made a couple of strokes, and then closed everything and returned to it after a few months. And I'm ashamed of it. I really hate myself.

Because of my hatred, I do not have the energy to work, to even please myself somehow, to meet with friends. I don't have enough energy to live, everything eats up this state.

Why is this happening? My psychologist says that this is because of my childhood, when I was the victim of violent scenes and bullying from my peers. And also here it is added that I am a trans-male, but who has not yet made the transition and realized himself not so long ago.

The fact that I was trans was also a blow to me. I was born a girl, but I never managed to be one. Every time I tried to be someone other than myself, I fell face first into the mud. And that only added to the self-loathing. I didn't understand at all what was wrong with me, why everything was falling out of hand. Why didn't I stop hearing the words "you're a girl"?
And every time I looked in the mirror, I saw someone else, not me. And so it has been almost since childhood.
And now that it's dawned on me, I don't know what to do about it. My parents accepted me as such, but I still feel ashamed in front of them, because I cheated on them.

I began to study the question of trans-transition. I live in Russia, so it is very difficult to do this. I have to go through a whole bunch of doctors. And that only makes me more terrified. I feel a huge panic as soon as I imagine that someone will study my disgusting body.

What is the outcome and how does it affect my work?
My therapist said I should start talking about it and not drown out my pain. That's why I wrote this.
As for my pace of work - I'm already trying to make a regime for myself, but nervous breakdowns due to communication with people are very ruining.

I wrote all this so that you can understand that I am under a lot of stress from communicating with people. (Honestly, from time to time you are not even answered by me, but by my friend).
I work, I don't forget anyone (Believe me, such people with paranoia forget very little of this).
But I can't answer you when your order is ready. I will also not be able to return the money to you, because all of it went, as I said, to specialists and medicines, so that I could work banally.
I want to draw all my old orders for this year, but please, the only thing I ask is to understand that any contact I have with people destroys me.

I'm not asking for help, finance, or anything else. Only understanding. Know that if I don't answer you in any way or just disappear somewhere - it's me working.
If you've finished reading this, I really appreciate it. This is worth a lot of effort to read, considering that it is also a machine translation.

Thank you & I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, I wrote this six months later... (╯︵╰,)

If there are any comments here, I won't be able to answer you. Sorry about that...