I happened across your request for comments over on the FWG Discord channel, and this was the first time I'd had the pleasure to read your work.

I think that 'in at the deep end' - as you put it - is often the best way to go with fantasy. Hook the readers at the outset with interesting characters and a healthy dose of intrigue, and they'll happily go along with whatever fantastical elements you might drop in as you go along. For me at least, that's a much better approach than serving up a whole mess of exposition that the reader has to plod through at the story's outset. I'll happily go along with the fact that we're in an ancient magical world with mages, eyes that light up to enhance vision, and ley lines - because, just like Dan and Rodge, I'm fascinated by this hidden artefact that's just begging to have its secrets revealed. Is it a form of treasure? Is it dangerous? Have they just destroyed it by opening it? The reader wants to know!

In short, yes, I'd be intrigued to see where you go with this. The very term Sky Ruin is an elegant touch, perfect for an ancient and advanced technology whose function and purpose has been lost to the world's current inhabitants. It also helps that your dialogue flows very smoothly and that you have quite a knack for striking descriptions. "Mentally getting purchase on the thing was like trying to pull a fish out of a river without claws" is a good example of that. I did see a few places where another editing pass would tighten up the narrative a bit, but you did say this version was barely edited, so I won't dwell on that.

Thanks for giving us all the chance to read this. I hope you continue with it!

Thanks very much for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it (especially since you're the first person to say anything and I was getting a little discouraged until I noticed your comment). This is something I do want to tinker with more over time, just trying to figure out the best way to do it.

Thank you again!

From the FWG

The setting is decently established. I can understand the use of magic and the idea of ruins that are in sight but out of reach, and a war that destroyed the world.

First, I am having a difficult time accepting an object like this is in an urban setting and nobody found it before. Relocating it to a less populated area might address this, but it still seems unlikely something like this would have gone unnoticed for so long.

Second, I think even this early in the story, our two protagonists need to find something more fantastic inside the structure. What they find is rather ordinary and un-mysterious. Should be more interesting if you want to grab the reader.

It's a good start. Keep going.

Thanks for the feedback. You make a good point about the notion that this has gone unnoticed, and I've been considering ways to rework that as I tinker with setting details and the like. And there probably should be something a little more interesting in the structure itself, admittedly that was me wanting to keep this passage to a reasonable-ish length. At the very least, I could/should have slipped something in to draw the reader's attention, even if it's something the characters don't notice right away. But I'm babbling.

Thank you again for reading and commenting!

It's a good beginning. I wish you well developing it further.