Let me just say, I commend anyone who reads this. This is a pretty dark tale, but I feel as if I should share it anyway. I’m sure many people can relate to this type of thing…

10-21-10….

Imagine waking up one cold Thursday morning. You get dressed, you eat breakfast, you make sure your flip phone is charged, you head out the door. Your mom asks you “where are you going?” To that you reply, “I’m going to the library to return a book.” You even have a old book in your hand to make it seem as if that was what you were going to do….Mom says “be careful!” You say, “I will!”

You’re not going to drop off that book by your side. In fact, you take that damn thing and throw it inside a neighbor’s trash can. You had no intentions of going to a library, your head was empty, your thoughts were selfish, your heart was black and broken.

It’s October 21, 2010
You took a long walk, you walked for almost 8-9 hours that day. You didn’t care, nobody cared in your mind. You walked across a bridge, and you stood there, for a long time. You went by the bridges edge, and you looked down. In the distance, you could see a train approaching.

“This is it!”, you say.

The train gets closer, the horn is loud, your heart is racing! You wanted to jump, you almost did! You almost ended everything on that cold Thursday afternoon. You were only 21. You say, “why can’t I do this?” you say “it wouldn’t matter if I was gone, I accomplished nothing!” You say, “I bought nothing but badness to people, me not being here would be a relief to them!”

You sit on the bridges edge, and you cry. Another train comes after some time. You let it be. Your phone rings, it’s your mom. You just ignored it. Your mind isn’t clear, you’re so sad, and it’s starting to rain. Soon, a selfish thought crosses your mind.

You say “I’m going to live, I’m going to live out of spite!” You think about all the good times you’ve had with your family. Times that were blurred out today, because every good memory was blurred. It was hard to think about anything good at all today. Today was going to be the last day you lived. You eventually say “Things will get better, I just can’t rush time!” Your phone rings again, again, you ignore it….

You walk down by those empty tracks, you sit there and think about what you would miss if you were not here anymore. You didn’t know anything about being depressed, you just knew you were very sad, and tired of being a big disappointment to everyone. You thought people hated you, you wanted them to feel better by you not being here.

Your phone rings again, and you finally answer. It’s your mom, in a frantic voice she asks, “Where have you been?”, and mentions how many hours passed by since you’ve left the house. She says, “get home now!!” You say, “okay,” in a raspy voice.

You get home, and moms mad! She asks where you’ve been. You tell her you just wanted to walk today because you needed exercise. You laugh, trying to keep any hints of sadness off your face. You shove the frog in your throat back down trying to cover your grief. She scolds you, she asks why you didn’t answer your phone. To that, you remained silent.

You go upstairs, you’re cold and wet from rain. You take a hot bath, and you cry in the tub. You dare not say the real reason why you walked today. Your family would say that it was an attention grab, or you wouldn’t have done it anyway. Not knowing how slippery the edges on the bridge were.

That’s been almost 11 years ago. I was one of those ones who wanted to end my life. I felt as if nobody loved me, I felt like I was just a waste of a body, this big burden. Since I didn’t accomplish anything, I would have been known for nothing. That’s not a huge loss.

Things did get better for me in time. I’m here writing and sharing this with you all. Anyone who has struggled with this or lost precious loved ones because of it, you are not alone. I still struggle with depression, but I vowed to never let it get me to the point of taking my life.

I am one of the many people who chose to end her story with a semicolon and not a period. There are ones who didn’t get that opportunity, and that is so sad. For the ones who did, we are here, we are a semicolon.

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