I’m so sick and tired of seeing this book everywhere. Its always in the book stores no matter what, every school keeps about a dozen extra of them just in case and everyone is always making references to it in popular media.

So I decided to give It a read and just to start of, this cover is atrocious, it’s blue. No illustration? No quotes from reviewers? Obviously, a bland choice to say the least. Who the fuck is this Collin guy anyway, and why does he feel the need to make his dumb name special by adding an extra L. Not only is his name dumb but he made an obvious grammatical error, right on the cover of his book. IT’S COLLIN’S DICTIONARY, NOT COLLINS DICTIONARY. The apostrophe makes it possessive. I admit I knew I wouldn’t like this Collin guy just be his name alone, but who the fuck does he think he is, Madonna? There’s no second name here, guess he wanted to be “quirky” Like that. Are we all just supposed to know the one and only Collin with two L’s?
Then I took a look at the blurb, and Jesus this guy is a bit up his own ass. “Use a Collins dictionary, and be one of the best-informed language users in the world” what am I gonna re-learn the English language by reading this shit book? Give me a fucking break buddy. If I wanted to be one of the best-informed language users in the world, I’d read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, at least then I’d learn some important life stuff, like what huffing ether feels like and what to do when my friend wants me to kill him by electrocution, in a bathtub of grapefruits.

I may shit on the cover and the blurb, but trust me, they’re the most cohesive parts of this book. Once you start reading the actual thing, it goes straight down the shitter real fast. Before you actually get to the contents of the book, Collin feels the need to teach you the basics of the English language first, what do you think I am, a fucking idiot or something? I read the warning labels on my pill bottles all the time, I’m very well versed with this language.

There’s 26 chapters in the whole book and some really drag on more than others, but I’ll get to that later. First of all, Collin must have been snorting jenkem up his ass when he wrote this, I mean, reeeeally butt-chugging that shit, cause this plot doesn’t make a lick of sense. When you start reading, it says something about AA, Alcoholic Anonymous and Automobile Association, so I say to myself “oh the main character is an alcoholic mechanic, interesting character traits” but we never actually find out who is going to Alcoholic Anonymous! I read the whole fucking book, all the way to chapter Z and this plot detail is never explained. You’ll struggle to find any characters in this book actually, Collin must’ve hated picking names or something. Maybe there’s some lore I’m missing out on here. If there’s something I should know about the Dictionary’s lore then email me at dougwalkerinflationfan13[at]co.gov.ru thanks guys.

Anyway you go through the book and I have to admit there are some good chapters here, like chapter F, which is a really good piece of smut writing. To cut a long story short, the main character fucks his father’s feet furiously while fiddling his flamboyant friend, fjord’s fallopian tubes, but forgets to fax his financial forms to his firm, so he feels frustrated and fornicates with his family for four fortnights, only finishing to watch the fantastic film Fargo.
Now when I read that, I was more aroused than that time my mom made me dress up as a Disney princess and beat me with a belt around the house until I grew a vagina. The surgery was not a success I’m sad to report, but enough about me, back to this shit book.

Chapter F is definitely the high point of the experience and sadly it’s only the sixth chapter of the book, and it really doesn’t reach the same level of writing anywhere else in the chapters to follow. I thought they were gonna rekindle the smut aspect of the book around chapter S but that chapter just drags on and on. I thought it was going for one of those fables by Aesop vibe, cause at first it’s about this scrawny sheep that’s set on having a saucy shag session with his sexy sister only before he can squirt his semen into her snatch, he shits on his scrotum and commits suicide from shame. Now I think we can all see the moral of that story, don’t shit the bed kids. Unfortunately, this chapter doesn’t stop there and starts to drift off into stuff not connected to the plot at all.

One of the major problems is that it just feels like Collin was trying to fit every word he could think of into his book to up the word count. You can tell he was using a thesaurus cause I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t know what half these words mean, nor have I ever heard them used before. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself googling what a word meant in this book. I think he actually made some of these words up, like “intelligentsia” what the fuck does that mean? Like a Sia song that’s smart? Sorry buddy none of her songs are smart, they’re all just about pegging Shia LaBeouf.

The ending is pathetic, M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t come up with a twist more out of place than this. It’s revealed at the very end that the main character was in fact, a Zionist zombie zebra in a zoo doing zen Zumba, whatever the fuck that is. I mean this whole time I thought this was a just a nice incest love story like Donald Trump’s Art of the Deal, but then they gotta hit you with the old Zionist Jew trick, FUCK, I’m so sick of getting fooled by these damn Zionists! CURSE YOU COLLIN YOU ZIONIST BASTARD!

Whoops, had a stroke there. Don’t worry, happens whenever those Zionists come up, oh fuck here I go again.

Well now that I’ve explained to you why this book is an antiquated piece of shit, I ask you, why is this book so fucking popular? The only book I can think of that people read this religiously is the Holy Bible, but at least it’s a gripping fantasy novel, full of all kinds of magic. English Dictionary is obviously a students first draft of a novel, actually no, not even a first draft, a students mind map, of what he should write about, that somehow found it’s way into the hands of some publisher that had accidentally ordered way too much paper and had to get rid of it fast before the IRS fucked them harder than Sia pegging Shia LaBeouf. That’s it, this whole fucking book’s existence was an excuse to get rid of paper and ink, people only read it cause it’s always fucking there no matter what.

I just learned that I only got the “pocket edition” of English Dictionary. You mean to tell me Collin wrote more? At a certain point he must have just started copy and pasting shit from the Oxford Dictionary, honestly. I’d like to meet this Collin guy just to see what kind of class A drugs he’s injecting into his veins to waste his life away, writing something so stupid, that makes no sense, and that has no entertainment value. Oh my god, was…was I Collin all along? T…That can’t be, that’s not true THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE NONOOOOOOOOFHIOVBSO;VOISKVBFDLVBJLSVZJFC M;FDZLUIGRE7SG49P3WBushdid9/11OGBUER9PAGHOIREAOG;UHDGH,ÚU,SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHuiolgsburvpsoruievopesuvb9[