There are so many old TV shows that have thrown to the wayside too soon and deserve more recognition from the public. This is why The Commission is making plans for reboots of our favourite shows, just for a blast in our ass from the past. Let us pitch you some of our ideas, so that you hopefully sink money into this business venture that you will immediately regret.

The X-Files
Blue mould and Skull go on adventures in the woods where they meet an alien. They immediately drug it and bring it back to J. Edgar Hoover, who makes love to it. Now Mould and Skull must raise this alien human baby while working in the behavioural science unit, interviewing serial killers like Charlie Manson, BTK, Jeffery Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Teddy Bundy, and Dicky Ramirez. All cast will be played by their real-life counterparts. Don’t worry, the best security will be hired to keep the cast and crew safe on set, but the budget will run out at that point so they will be kitted with plastic Halloween batons and orange Walmart BB guns. The opening will just be a zoom out from Gillian Anderson’s tits and the closing credits will be a zoom in on her meat curtains, to really honour the last show since that’s what everyone really wanted. If we get renewed for a second season we’ll make the opening zoom out of David Duchovny man pussy, only to have him turn around to the camera and bite his index finger at you, very seductive like.

The Famous Five
Scooby Doo, Fred Rogers, Velma Dickley, Doris Holmes Blake and Norville Rogers, Fred Rogers pot head brother, go around hunting ghosts, only every scene with ghosts is like that Ghostbuster scene where Dan Aykroyd gets blown by a ghost, only they always figure out it was actually a 40-year-old man in a fursuit that actually blew Fred Rogers and not a Sasquatch. Fred then has to find a way to tell his wife Doris Holmes Blake, famous American entomologist, that he is in fact a closeted gay man, but the only hints he will give her is wearing a cravat and flared denim jeans in 2021. Doris doesn’t take any of these hints since she’s always too busy studying chrysomelidae for no pay at the Smithsonian Institution. Thank goodness Doris is a Beatles expert though, cause it turns out all these 40 year old furries blowing Fred were actually brainwashed into being homosexual by listening to the Abbey Road album backwards on their vinyl players. They then have to kill John Lemon by shooting him in the heart with a silver bullet, cause he was the most furry of them all, a real life werewolf. Only when they pull off John Lemon’s skin mask, to reveal who was really underneath, they find none other than Jesus Christ himself. Jesus then forgives the Scooby-Boo gang, except for Fred, who he smites down for being gay. Doris must then marry Velma Dick, since the Smithsonian still refuses to pay a woman that like The Beatles. Yoko Ono then fills Fred Roger’s place in the gang in the second season, which is why everyone will hate the show and it will never be renewed after that.

Futurama
This reboot is actually just a ploy to trick people into tuning into just another fucking season of the Simpsons, only this one is live-action and produced by ABC, why is it produced by ABC you ask? Cause all the cast is Asian-American actors. The Asian-American cast is credited as Japanese American but they're all actually Vietnamese American. They just needed a broader audience to market to, so they're marketing to people of the Sakuracon 2009 variety.

The Rockford Files
We re-do the entire show, but the screen freezes on a single frame every 5 seconds just like the opening. It’ll really feel like an entire new experience, or like you’re watching a student’s attempt at making a stop motion animation by taking photos on their Nintendo DSi and compiling those pictures into Windows Movie Maker on their Dell laptop into a cohesive animation, then recording a voice over for the images with their Guitar Hero microphone. Now that sounds like something that would deserve a pity award from some sketchy film society, just so that we can put one of those annoying fucking palm leaf icons on all the marketing for the show.

Miami Vice
Instead of Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas busting old homeless men selling crack to kindergarten students, it’s Steven Seagal and Donald Glover, and the only man selling jenkem to those toddlers is Stefan Burnett, frontman of Death Grips. Every episode, Childish Gambino and Mc Ride must duel in a rap battle while a child overdoses in the background on ketamine. Then at the very end of each episode, in the credits Nancy Reagan’s ghost will appear to lambast the viewer for thinking of doing drugs and refer to them by name, how will she do that? By listing off every name in the US Yellow pages, every, single, name. As for Steven Seagal, he will do most of the action in the show, however he will only do it in a mobility scooter, not because his legs are unable to hold his body weight (surprisingly) but because it’s in his contract and if he did stand up for any amount of time, his maniac breathing from pure exhaustion would fuck up the sound quality.

House of Cards
This will be a bio pic on Kevin Spacey’s desperate race to kill all the cast and crew from House of Cards accusing him of sexual harassment while he pretends to be Frank Underwood. Kevin Spacey will be played by a Kevin Spacey impersonator called Kevin James, to bring some comedy to the role. So, Kevin James, will be playing Kevin Spacey, who is playing Frank Underwood. Watch as Paul Blart Mall Cop tries to stage a suicide, but is such an incompetent klutz, he keeps falling on his fat ass from slipping on banana peels and pools of blood.

Magnum, P.I.
Instead of paying Tom Selleck to renew his role as the Magnum Dong himself, we just Photoshop his moustache into the show. So now the show’s protagonist will be a floating 144p moustache, who solves crimes with his sexy moustachioed husband, Burt Reynolds. We’re gonna be honest, we just desperately wanted to see Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds’ moustaches make passionate love to one another, we haven’t actually written a single fucking crime for Clint Eastwood Magnum Force to solve. But we do plan to make each episode an hour long. Oh! What if we just split the screen in half, in one half, we just rub two piles of moustache hair together while drizzling baby oil into the pile, and the other half of the screen will be Columbo re-runs. CSI don’t got shit on this detective drama.