very interesting writing style. in this situation, it's important to remember to identify the speakers, so as to avoid any possible confusion. another bit of info, never include a personal bio of a character unless you're writing FPTF (first-person teen fiction) as that style of writing tends to anoy most readers. speaking as a writer, it's very important to get good reader feedback. young or new authors need people to read their works and comment thereof. that being said, FA is not the best place for an aspiring writer to post their work. you'd be much better off posting your work on Wattpad, where other writers and readers can comment.

When writing dialogue, it's important to remember that your readers can't 'see' anything happening while the talking is going on. Having things going on during dialogue can be confusing.

For example, when Shoukichi is leaving home for school, Liz says "Bye dear... is it happening already?". Half of this is supposed to be called out to Shoukichi, while the other half is spoken to herself after she's gone, but without some sort of break between the two, that isn't apparent to the reader. It looks like she's calling out the entire thing, which doesn't make sense.

I would echo Spike's comment about remembering to identify the speakers. Even with just two speakers, if you don't identify them at the outset of the dialogue, the reader has to puzzle out which of them is speaking from context alone, which can be difficult and definitely throws a wrench in the works. With three or more speakers, that happens with every single bit of dialogue. So yes, always identify the speaker unless you have a good reason not to.

Thanks for the tip, I should of put that last sentence for liz as a thought instead of dialogue, but I guess I thought it was alright.

Very nice story. Your commenters give good constructive advice on how to handle dialogue. I love trnsformation stories, and I really like how you described it, though it probably could have used a bit more detail....maybe. :) I guess when youre dreaming, you can't really describe what exactly is happening to your body, right? ;)

*gives you big warm flipper hugs* I will try to read the others when I have time! :)

Thank you so much, you're the nicest and sweetest person I've met here, it'd be great if people were like you.

*wraps my flippers around you close, nuzzling your neckfur with my whiskers and crying softly*

You warm my heart, sir...Thank you for the deeply touching compliments....and at a time when I realy needed them, too. :)

Please don't cry, I nice guy like you really shouldn't cry. I'm never good at talking like this in real life, but *Takes a deep breath* if you ever need someone to comfort you when you need it... I'll be there with open arms.

Just knowing and having wonderful furiends like you is what I need to keep going in life. Thank you for the offer, and don't be shy to send me a note if you're in need of some warmth, advice, or a big warm walrus hug.

Here. Imagine me doing this (not the slap, but the hug):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0davHuJeBg

Thank you very much, I thought the hug was cute too. And to have one like that from you makes me happy.

I'm Liking The Story Kageichi it's an honor that to read your stories.....well gotta get reading I got a lot more to catch up on....

Thank you, I hope you enjoy the rest.

No Problem....^^ okay just finished this part......And ow nice characters....wait and also has some twists and it's still the first part...Nice Work^^....okay going to number 2....

i like this story :3
i love the idea! and i liked the characters and i liked how you tried something different with it.
im only in chapter 3 but i want to know what happens next ><
it does have some mistakes here and there but i'm not so rude as to insult the story i just met!
anyway im still in chapter 3, but i like it , maybe once i finish it i can give you some constructive criticism, if you swear you wont get angry...

a >< added to that last sentence,
i cant believe how everything i say seems to sound passive-agressive (>.<)

I'm glad you like it, I know about the mistakes and I've been fixing them as well. I just never got to replacing the file with the better version.