Putting on Hairs
© 2021 by Walter Reimer

Thumbnail art by  dragonmelde, color by  marmelmm


Varan gave her traveling companion a worried look. A quick mana scan showed that the paladin’s essential purity of soul was being sapped at an increasing rate by the bit of demon bound into the anal plug she was carrying. So far, her consecrated armor was holding it off, but time was a precious commodity.

The vir glanced at one of the clear boxes, drawn by one of the hairy creatures moving. It had tried to climb up the side of its box, only to fall over onto its back and revealing six small clawed feet, a pair of beady black eyes, and a small tooth-ringed mouth. Curling itself up, it succeeded in righting itself and scuttled around the confines of its cage. “How are these creatures associated with the temple?” Varan asked.

“They are avatars of our gods,” the acolyte assured her. “The statue is controlled by one during divine worship, or they may choose a priest of the temple to speak at their direction.”

“Aka, I see,” the vir said. “Have you ever served as their vessel?”

“Me?” The elephant laughed. “I am far too junior for that. Many more years of study, though, will prepare me for bearing them. I look forward, of course, to being judged worthy to bear the Kurwood Derby or the Hell Toupee. Of course, only the High Priest may bear the Supreme Lid.”

“’Supreme Lid?’” Meredith asked.

“That one, there,” and the acolyte’s trunk pointed at a box containing a curly, tidily-combed pile of dark brown hair with attendant sideburns. “The Supreme Lid of Rentahs,” and he bowed reverently to it. The creature bowed back. “It is the chief manifestation of our god.”

Varan and Meredith exchanged glances. The mare asked, “May we speak to it? Or do we wear it?”

The acolyte appeared scandalized. “No, you can’t wear it. You’re mice, for starters; it’s very taboo. Besides, you’re wearing hats, and the avatars cannot reach your brains through them.”

“Ernnh, that explains that,” Varan mused aloud as she looked at the Supreme Lid. It gave her the distinct impression that it could see through her disguise. “May we speak with it?”

“No, you are unbelievers.”’

Meredith settled a mailed paw on the hilt of her sword. “We’d prefer to hear that from the Supreme Lid, thank you.”

The acolyte considered this for a few moments before bowing reverently to the box that held the lid before taking it in his paws and lifting it toward the bald effigy. The lid popped open.

And the Supreme Lid leaped out of the box, landing square on the pachyderm’s head. The acolyte froze, dropping the box and gibbering slightly before turning to face the two disguised adventurers. When he gestured, he thrust his paws out in an exaggerated manner and said, “So, you . . . seek to speak with . . . me!”

“Er, yes,” Meredith said.

“Wrong!” the animate mop of hair wriggled, and the elephant made a chopping motion with his trunk. “You are here . . . to steal . . . the Kurwood Derby! GUARDS!”

“Quiet!” Varan said, weaving a quick spell that the enhanced acolyte started to shrug off, forcing her to reinforce it while Meredith grabbed the box that held a curiously round, brown hat. The mare tossed it to the mage, who fielded it clumsily.

The Supreme Lid of Rentahs pushed past the spell. “GUARDS! Unleash . . . Hell Toupee!”

“I’ve had about enough of this,” Meredith said, drawing her sword. “How about you?”

Varan’s lips curled back from her teeth as the Supreme Lid overcame another spell. “Yes.”

“Now . . . let’s not get . . . hasty,” the Lid suddenly said, the acolyte it was riding holding out his paws placatingly.

Meredith stepped into her swing, and the mare neatly lopped the elephant’s head from his shoulders. She stepped back as blood spurted, the head falling to splash face-up in the spreading puddle.

The head blinked and said, “You think . . . that . . . can stop – mmph!” The voice was silenced as Meredith shoved an armored paw into its open mouth while Varan placed the box containing the Derby into her inventory.

“Let’s get out of here,” the paladin said, and she suddenly grimaced.

“Getting worse?” the mage asked.

Meredith nodded. “Uh-huh. Let’s move.”

They dashed out of the Temple, Meredith holding the bloody, dripping head by its lower jaw, past startled acolytes and guards. The elephants pelted into the Temple and emerged a few moments later, armed with swords and preceded by the sacred effigy. The mannequin was wearing a fire-red wig with the center rucked up into a tall crest.

The mannequin pointed at the fleeing adventurers and bellowed, “KILL!”

“That must be the Hell Toupee,”* Meredith observed as she and Varan ran past the village gate. An arrow embedded itself in the ground mere centimeters from one of her hooves. “Can you do something about them?”

“I didn’t want to do this twice,” Varan muttered, the vir shifting her staff to her right paw as her left paw gathered up her robes. A moment to drain the power from the transforming talisman in her anus, she faced away from the advancing guards, planted her feet, hiked up her tail . . .

And cast ‘Directed Wind.’

It felt like the fur on her buttocks and the underside of her tail was being ripped off her skin; the blast hurled the armed guards and the bewigged effigy back a good ten meters, and they lay there stunned as the vir lowered her robe and started running again.

The effigy sat up. “Take me back to the Temple,” it grumbled. “It is HELL out here!”

The mare and the vir didn’t stop running until they were some distance from the village, with night falling and the darkness precluding any further pursuit. “Hn,” Varan muttered, “I mustn’t try that again.” The plug had been violently thrown clear by the spell, and the vir was grateful that the mage was only a simulation. On the good side, she wasn’t a mouse.

She conjured some light to the head of her staff and asked, “Meredith?”

“Here,” the mare said. Her voice sounded a little flat, and as she stepped into the light Varan noticed that her armor looked a little gray. Her paws were empty.

“Where’s the Supreme Lid?” Varan asked.

Meredith jerked a thumb behind her. “Back there, with my dagger through it.”

“I think it’s high time we did something about that talisman,” and the mage readied a number of spells; cantrips designed to restrain and numb. Judging from her actions and appearance, Meredith was close to changing from a Paladin to a Chaos Knight.

And if that happened, it’d be the Teddy Bear Picnic all over again.






*(voiced by Brian Blessed)