The Rise of the Raccoon Queen
Or The Big Grey Fluffy Butt Matter

A Story of Faerie
© 2021 by M. Mitchell Marmel

Thumbnail art by  tegerio, color by  marmelmm
(Additional characters by E.O. Costello and W.D. Reimer.)


Part Thirty.



Jhonni:

Expense account addendum: Two stars, two dusks, for an infusion of ginger and willow from Needle & Sons, Apothecary, and to have Mrs. Hackle clean my hat and coat. And thereby hangs a tale.

I found Mrs. Miggins’ boarding house easily enough. It’s the sort of place that gives passing travelers and transients a roof over their heads for a small consideration, and it was nearly midnight when I got there.

While slipping through the back alley, I had thought I heard a “Honk,” followed by a feminine voice say, “Tzo!”

I turned . . .

And the world turned sort of fluffy and – sweet? – before fading to black.



The world swam back into focus, with my muzzle and the back of my head aching, and as soon as I could focus I looked around. I was in a room, tied to a chair, and I felt sticky.

I had the sneaking feeling that I wasn’t at the Hetaira’s Union, though.

“Tzo!” I turned and saw a fox wearing an outlandish harlequin outfit, a rubber nose and tapping one of those things Winterbough called a ‘slapstick’ against his palm. “Vhy vas hyu schpyingk on us, hey?”

My ears swiveled. “What?”

“Schpyingk! Schnoopingk! Vhat, zey don’t schpeak Schtandard vhere hyu live?”

I shook my head a few times; no, nothing was rattling. “Come again?”

Another oddly dressed fox came into view. “I shall try. Tschov off.”

“Hyu are not ze boss of me,” the first one said, earning him a bop of the bonce from the second one’s slapstick.

“Hy iz ze boss of hyu,” the second one said, “ze SALV left me in charge. Now, hyu! Long-neck! Ve haff hyu tied oop.”

“Well, yeah, I’d say that was obvious. Of course, I can get out any time.”

This caused two pairs of vulpine ears to swivel. “Vhy hyu sez zis?” the first one demanded.

“Simple. I’m a giraffe. I can easily get out of these ropes.”

The second one narrowed his eyes. “Tzo! Vhy don’t hyu, hey?”

I put my aching nose in the air. “I’m not giving away my secrets.”

“Ooh, a zekret!?” the first exclaimed.

“Sure,” I said casually. “You have to know how to tie up certain furs, you know. The way you’ve got me tied up is just fine for most, but since I’m a giraffe you have to – well, on second thoughts I’d better shut up.”

“Vhat?” they chorused.

“Hyu cannot leafe us hanging like zat!” the second one said.

“It’s a secret,” I said cautiously, “but you two look like trustworthy fellows – “

“Ve are!”

“Fine, then. Untie me and I’ll show you how to do it.”

The first one moved to undo the knots, but the other stuck out an arm to stop him. Number Two peered at me suspiciously. “If ve untie hyu, hyu vill run avay.”

“No, I will not run away. And Elves Don’t Lie,” I said.

The two went into a huddle, with a lot of waving brushes and paws before an agreement was reached. The second fox asked, “Hyu vill not run avay?”

“No, I won’t.”

Untying me took a couple minutes, another chair was brought in, and I swiftly tied both foxes up. They flexed against the ropes as I put my hat on and said, “Well, gents, I have to be moving along. Have a nice night.”

“Vait!” The first fox squirmed futilely against his bonds. “Hyu zaid zat hyu vould not leave!”

I raised a finger. “I said that I wouldn’t run away. And I’m not running away - I’m walking.” I grinned and tipped my hat. “Have a nice night. The Brilliant Light shine on you.” I left the room to the sound of angry, high-pitched gekkering.

Elves Don’t Lie; I did walk, very quietly and stealthily, until I’d made it past the back door of the boarding house and keeping to the shadows until I was several blocks from my former place of captivity. After I made sure that I wasn’t being followed, I muttered, “By the Light, Jhonni, you are so clever . . . “

Then I chuckled. “And they are so DUMB.”


***


Winterbough:

Fred grinned. “I got it, I got it.”

Matt and Michael facepalmed; out of respect for his injuries, Michael did his facepalm rather more gently.

“You do?” I asked, with a due sense of resignation and dread.

The canine’s grin grew a bit wider and toothier, and the look in his eyes started edging towards manic. “We’ll work up a Number Six on ‘em!”

“And after that, a new Number Two,” Michael remarked.

I blinked, and both Sergeant Sage and the Raccoon Queen looked interested. “’Number Six?’ I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that.”

Fred’s manic look started making me think that pronking for the exit might be an excellent idea as he said, “I’m glad you asked! That’s where we go riding into town, a-whampin’ and a-whompin’ every living that moves – “ He stopped suddenly as a soft clicking sound was heard, and my ears swiveled to search for the source.

Tali was gazing steadily in the canine’s direction, her claws bared and lightly tapping on the table.

“Um . . . tell you later,” Fred muttered, and he hurriedly resumed occupying himself with his breakfast.

“I thought that was when you used Love Potion Number Nine.” Michael said.

“There are no such things as love potions,” Sergeant Sage said flatly.

The mink looked indignant. “Of course there’s such a thing as love potions! How else can he,” and he pointed at Fred, “manage to have venery?”

“I don’t wish to know that,” the wolfess said.

“Neither did I,” the mink shot back.

“That’s what you get for poking your nose into my medicine cabinet,” the dog said.

“Pipe down, both of you,” Matt grumbled. He glanced at Tali, who nodded. “Since we’re all here now,” and he gestured at Tessie and Ooo-er, “let’s recap: We have a small force of Vulpitanians – “

“You mean like Zonya?” Tessie asked. “She’s quite nice.”

“Different part of Vulpitania, Tessie,” I said.

“ – Who are allied with a red-tailed hawk named Byrde,” Matt continued, “in an apparent attempt to take over the government of Eastness.”

“Which must not happen,” Sergeant Sage said. “This place suffered enough under the Ospreys.”

“Exactly,” I put in. “Matt’s idea of alerting the city authorities is a sound one, and we should offer our assistance. Since the elections are to be held during their Deliverance Day – “ I stopped and gave Fred an irritated look as he pantomimed strumming a lute and making twanging noises “ – we’ll be able to hide out in the crowd. Having so many furs dressed as the Wolf Queen will help, but it’ll also help the Pie-Fight Valkyrie.” I looked around the table. “Until then, we just observe and report. Questions?”

“This is rather low-key for you, Corporal,” Sergeant Sage said. She was gazing across the table at Ooo-er, who was studiously looking elsewhere. That explained the quiet, almost absent tone in her voice.

I scratched my one twisted antler. “Yes, Sergeant. Much as I’d like to wade into those foxes and bust some heads, I feel that more information’s needed right now.” I gave her a smile. “I think I might be mellowing in my old age.”

“Well, at least you’re not senile yet,” the wolfess said. “Yet.”

Tali and Matt had been conferring quietly, and finally Tali said, “Agreed, then. We observe, and the plan so far is to infiltrate the festival and do what’s necessary to thwart their plans.” Her tail swished. “I’ll inform the Head Office, in case a . . . more robust response is required.” That made my ears swivel; based on guesses about what other machines these people might have, ‘more robust’ might do more damage to Eastness than Alastair ever dreamed of.

Sergeant Sage blinked and sat back, looking a little downcast, and said, “The Corporal and I will continue to scout around, and we’ll meet with the giraffe on the contact list.” Her ears flattened as she glanced at Ooo-er again. I merely nodded.

A movement caught my eye, and I saw Michael and Fred in a corner of the room. Fred was talking, making motions with his paws, while Michael was listening but eyeing him suspiciously. Once in a while he’d raise a finger and say something, obviously making a point, and the canine would listen.

My curiosity finally got the better of me, and I got up and walked over to them.

Fred saw me coming and smiled, “Hi, Corporal. Michael I were discussing something.”

“I saw. What about?”

“Actually, it’s something that you might want to accompany us to,” the mink interjected. “It requires a keen mind and readiness for a fight or a speedy escape.”

“What he’s saying is,” Fred said, “is that we’re going to a post-ball match. Care to come with? I think that between the two of us, we can keep him from starting another riot.”

I glanced back at the Sergeant, and ‘knocked’ using Elf-mind. She glanced in my direction and I filled her in.

After a moment’s consideration she said, “Go ahead. Stay out of jail. We’ll meet at the pub where we met Dinar.” A brief glare. “Business before pleasure, Corporal.”

I nodded.


***


Tessie:

“Um . . . Wolf Queen?” The wolfess paused on her way to the door, and I said, “I’m really very sorry for stealing your Regalia . . . “ My voice trailed off.

I shrank back in my seat as she stopped and glared at me, then took two steps forward that had her so close to me that I could smell steak on her breath.

“I. Am. No longer. The. Wolf. Queen.” I’ve read about things like ‘cold fury’ before in some romance stories, but I never thought I’d actually see it. I almost shivered.

She bent close to me and snarled, “The Regalia has chosen you. Be worthy of it.”

“W-W-Well, wh-wh-what should I c-c-call you?”

She glanced at Ooo-er and Tali before she said, “Call me Sergeant. Can you remember that?”

I nodded.

“Good,” and I breathed a sigh of relief as she left the room.

“I . . . I think I need to use the privy.”

The only mel left in the room, a bear, pointed at a closed door. “Out there, turn left, three doors down on the right.”

“Thank you,” and I left.

I found the room and while I – you know – the Regalia said, “She’s quite angry.”

“Wouldn’t you be? I’m sorry I even thought of stealing you, I really am.”

“Good girl,” the Regalia said. “The Bearer of the Regalia fights for Justice, and the wolfess really identified with that. Part of her anger is fear.”

“Fear? I don’t think she’s been afraid a day in her life.”

“Part of her fear is having to face the future, not as the Wolf Queen, but as one Elf among all the others.”

“Oh. I think I see now.”

“Good.”


***


Ooo-er:

After she left, I gave that feline, Tali, a hiss.

Tali swished her tail and asked, “So, what’s it going to be? Try to drown me, or electrocute me?” She looked almost bored.

Elves Don’t Lie. I was sorely tempted to do both.

The bear sitting next to her looked startled and began to edge away from the feline. He looked a little older than she did. Nice-looking, though. Reminded me of Father.

Just a little.

It was hard to remember, because I’d had quite a bit of persimmon brandy at the time, but I dimly recalled talking to Aurora Borealis. Ah, that was it . . . “I want to know why,” I said.

Tali blinked. “I didn’t expect that.” She’d had one paw in her lap; she moved a little and soon had both paws on the table. “You want to know why I had venery with your mate?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“She appreciates femmes,” I told her, “but she’s been faithful to our bond for some time now.”

“Fair enough,” Tali said. “Matt, could you give us some privacy?”

“Sure,” the bear said, and soon we were alone in the room.

“For starters,” Tali said, “I’m not an Elf, but I will swear to you that I’m telling you the truth.”

And she told me everything.





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