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More from Comus
The Food Tasters, by Comus and Eala Dubh
The roleplay that inspired 
swatcher's illustration of the same:
http://www.furaffinity.net/full/4194644/
as enacted by myself and
ealadubh
You could read the teeny text below... OR you could open up the attached Word file and enjoy it in all its typographical glory...
“The Food Tasters”
by Eala Dubh and Comus
(Both Myron and his friend/rival Eala have responded to the same ad for a food taster and are surprised to find each other there…)
Myron: Eala!? You saw the ad too? Dammit, he eats like crazy!
Eala: I sure did! Have you seen anybody else here yet?
Myron: Nope, just us. – I guess we got here ahead of everyone.
They’re taken to a strange, sterile-looking room and shut in. The only furniture in the room are two molded plastic bucket chairs, arranged face to face and each with a big red button built into the end of its right armrest…
Eala: What is this, is it a waiting room?
Myron: No, I think this where we take the test - those seats look really cozy too. Just two seats – no competition. (Except for you, you pig! I'm not gonna let him get this job – I'll eat ANYTHING they put in front of me!)
Eala: I guess it's like a hands-on interview then, whoever does the best gets the job...
Myron: Yeah, they're gonna try us out. Good luck man [not!]
Eala: Maybe they'll hire us both? Or they're just testing two at a time...
Myron: Hmm, didn't think of that...Uh, excuse me, gotta use the john.
Eala: I think I remember seeing one down the hallway...
Myron: I go to the men's room and to make sure I'm hungry, smoke some pot I have with me that really makes the munchies kick in and come back with kind of a silly grin on my face*
Myron: Okay, when do we get to dig in? For some reason all of a sudden, ah'm ah-stahving! (*giggle*)
Eala: I raise an eyebrow at the giggles and tell-tale odour, but don't say anything.... If he's so nervous that he's resorting to drugs to get through this, surely I can't fail!
Myron: I look at you and smirk - hah, he doesn't suspect a thing!
Myron: Okay, let's start this thing! I sit down in the cushy, comfy chair and sink into its cushions a bit - as if it were hugging me.
Eala: I discretely notice a security camera and resolve to be on good behaviour.
Myron: Buzzed as I am, I don't see the camera at all.
Myron: Okay, when do things happen around here?
Eala: Probably when I sit down. (Does so)
Myron: I see a button on the chair's armrest a press it. A slot in the floor opens and a tray with a dish on it travels up on a mechanical arm and comes to rest over my lap.
Eala: *blinks*
Myron: *it's almost like a restraint holding me in place, but I don't notice, looking at the food*
Eala: I guess there's no menu, huh?
Myron: Nope - 'Taster's Choice' it ain't.
Eala: It looks like you've been served the largest grapefruit half I've ever seen...
Eala: Breakfast starter, huh?
Myron: (Oops, I don't really like grapefruit - but I'm gonna eat every bite!)
Eala: I press my button…
Myron: Hmm, I guess so. What they'd give you?
Eala: I'm about to find out.
Myron: A tray comes sliding up in front of Eala; on it is an entire pumpkin pie!
Eala: Blimey!
Eala: Hmmm…
Eala: If you find the grapefruit a bit sharp we could share with each other...
Myron: NO - this is MY grapefruit - eat your own pie! (My vehemence surprises me – I try to pretend I didn’t shout that loud.) Err, the grapefruit's already been cut away from the rind - that'll make it easy. (And quicker to eat too, heh heh!)
Eala: Just asking… this pumpkin pie's fairly sweet... (shrugs)
Myron: I take the spoon and start shoveling the pieces into my mouth, as if it were more a speed eating contest than a tasting session.
Eala: I'm not sure I want any now you're getting juice on your face....
Myron: Uh oh, yeah… tangy, this stuff is very... tangy!
Myron: Slurp! (My tongue darts out around my mouth to try to lick away some of the juice on my face.)
Eala: So I notice. (Your mouth contorts into a huge wince at the sharpness… or maybe it's your thick, rubbery lips?)
Myron: Uh hey Eala, you hardly touched your pie! (Heh, he doesn't have a chance!)
Eala: I bite into the slice of pie and immediately make the same wincing face at its incredible sweetness...
Eala: Gahhh, so sweet - but not too bad...
Myron: The wince seems to stick a bit, especially under your eyes where your face seems kind of puffy… like you have fat eyelids.
Myron: Oh, can't deal with the job,huh?
Eala: I watch you tackle the last of the grapefruit, your long puffy tongue scooping out the last of the bits and juice. Maybe it's the sugar rush, but I want more pie; I help myself to another piece.)
Myron: Too bad! (I press my button again and another slot opens on the other side of my chair. Another tray rises and replaces the first tray - so there's always a tray in front of me - should the thought cross my mind to try to leave - which never happens.)
Eala: I eat a third slice of pie, at least as big as the first two slices combined...
Eala: Ew, very sticky… Gah – any water to wash this down with?
Myron: There's an orange ring of pie around your mouth.
Eala: And a mess of grapefruit around yours.
Myron: As if the room heard you another tray brings you a glass of clear liquid. You don't know it yet, but it's pure sugar water...
Eala: (I chug the liquid in one go...)
Eala: Oooh...HIC!
Myron: (Watching you drink it, I involuntarily…) *BURRP!*
Eala: Not sure what that was... (I get a bit light-headed at the sugar rush... Your mouth flaps wider and thicker at the belch, lips and goiter vibrating... I shake my head to clear it a bit...
Myron: I don't notice your cheeks have bulged out a bit after you gulped down the drink; I’m paying more attention to what’s on your tray.
Myron: Eala, you still haven't finished your pie! I'm ready for my second course. (I lift up the silver cover off the platter and…)
Eala: On your platter is an entire roast chicken, with a huge side of mash and gravy. Only one slice of pie left on mine… a big slice, though. I scoff it down as fast as I can to move onto the next course….
Myron: The big slice makes your neck grow thick and flabby - suddenly you have a fat double chin…your eyes also go puffy as you blink.
Eala: I press the button...
Myron: Another tray slides up and lands in front of you, carrying the biggest ear of corn you've ever seen – twice as long and easily three times the width of a normal one, swimming in butter that gleams and shines in the room's light.
Eala: Ooooh....
Myron: Oh geeze, it's gonna take me forever to finish this - and he only has an ear of corn! Better get started!
Eala: Funny, I was never fond of corn before, but this looks gooooood...
Myron: I grab a chicken leg and rip it off the rest of the bird…
Eala: I look for a napkin to pick it up with...
Myron: I devour the leg in two bites, while at the same time shoveling mashed potatoes into my mouth as fast as I can. GLOMPF, CHOMPFFF...
Eala: Boy, you really don't care about making a mess! (Guess I'll have to pick this up with my fingers…)
Myron: Huh? BURRRP!! They didn't invite us here to be neat, they invited us here to eat!
Eala: Your cheeks puff up with the belch, and it looks like your beard is sprouting out a bit to cover them.
Eala: So I pick up gingerly and start munching...
Myron: Hyuck, that rhymes!
Eala: He's really off his face! I must make a better impression, the way he's acting...
Myron: Your lips almost seem to stretch out to cover as much of the corncob as possible. After eating the second chicken leg just as fast as the first, I pull a hunk of breast meat off the bird with my hand and begin chewing on it.
Eala: I crunch on the corn, trying not to spill too much butter. Not because I want to stay clean, but the butter makes it so much better.
Myron: The front of your nose - around your nostrils looks all shiny - from the butter I assume…
Eala: Your hands are slick with chicken grease. Is it the light shining off it, or do they look rather pudgy?
Myron: I look at you smugly - you're not even trying to keep up – hah, this job is already mine!
Eala: I finish the enormous ear, and immediately want another one.
Myron: Another tray slides up in front of you – this one has an enormous bowl of soup so thick it's almost like gravy, with heavy-looking dumplings floating on its surface.
Eala: I try to discretely wipe the butter off my nose with a thick upper lip…
Myron: Your hands are still greasy from holding the corncob - greasy and puffy…
Eala: Hey, there's no spoon?
Myron: I toss the chicken carcass back on the plate and press the button on my chair, then glance at your tray. I guess not -
Eala: I try lifting the bowl, but it's heavy and my fingers are slippery…
Myron: Looks like you can't eat so dainty this time around! (Nyah-nyah, I mentally gloat.)
Eala: An identical bowl of soup is delivered in front of you!
Eala: Hah, neither can you!
Myron: Nyah... uh-oh!
Eala: I lean over, blow on the soup, then put my lips to it and start drinking.
Eala: Whoa... it's is almost pure beef stock!
Myron: Pure beef stock thickened up with corn syrup, that is… I try to lift my bowl up, but it slips out of my puffy hands and fingers and bangs back onto the tray, spilling some of it out.
Eala: …really rich.
Myron: Oh shit, that might cost me! Better dig in for real!
Eala: My bowl's getting half empty, meaning I have to really lean over into it.
Myron: (I lean over with far more vigor than you, and gulp up a mouthful - then another and another...) GULP, SLOBBER GORP…
Myron: I give a greedy glance over at you and see you leaning towards your soup bowl; I redouble my efforts and plunge my face entirely into the bowl!
Eala: As you lean over and gulp, your neck and back start to round out which each gulp, making the shirt tight around the collar...
Myron: GLOOSH, SHMOORP, SWALLOW...
Eala: The bowl is empty enough that I can now pick it up, lean back, and pour the rest into my open mouth...
Myron: As you lean over, the fabric in the seat of your pants starts stretching out. The seam running down its seat slowly starts giving way a stitch at a time...
Eala: This tray is getting – HIC! – uncomfortable.
Myron: When you lean back with the bowl, the front of your shirt stretches out, revealing flab pushing its way out between the buttons…
Eala: There’s a faint tearing sound as I shuffle around in the seat…
Eala: What was that? (There’s an open space at the bottom of your seat back and your flabby buttocks spill into view of the camera behind you.)
Eala: Did you hear that?
Myron: GULP SWALLOW GOBBER... URRP! No, SNORT, hear what?
Eala: Guess it was nothing....
Myron: something is tickling the very top of your rear, very lightly so as to almost be unnoticeable...
Eala: Your earlobes are becoming flat and round, all the better to catch other noises that may occur.
Myron: POP!! The shirt button over your navel pops off the shirt and your gut bulges over and under the tray in front of you.
Myron: Huhh, I heard that, huh-huh!
Eala: I press the button, worried that this may be the last course if the tray prevents me from eating any more...
Myron: I press the button on my chair repeatedly… C'mon, more food - I'm hungry!
Eala: I'm still hungry too, just constricted.
Myron: A new tray replaces the old one in front of you, with just enough extra room to ease your worry.
Eala: Ahhhhhhh...
Eala: On your tray is a dozen large kebabs; I sniff at them jealously.
Myron: Oh boy, I love these things!
Eala: So do I. (I frump and lean towards you, sniffing at them more.)
Myron: (I hear your sniff and greedily lean over the kebobs to keep you from seeing them) GHRUNNT! Go away, get your own food!
Eala: I lift the lift the cover off my tray…
Myron: Under it is a mountain of spaghetti crowned by an enormous meatball!
Eala: Whoa!
Myron: I try to pick up one of the kebobs, but it slips out of my greasy hands. I don't notice how large the two middle nails of my fingers are looking.
Eala: The kebob falls on the floor, and rolls over closer to me…
Myron: NO!! That's mine!
Myron: I try to push my way past the tray to retrieve the kebab, but the tray won't move… GHRUNT, OOHF, UHRFF... dammit!
Eala: Neither of us can reach the kebab, but ohhhh, can we smell it! It even drowns out the smell of the meatball.
Myron: again I stare at you and covet your meatball and spaghetti
Eala: I sniff and sniff, straining with my nose to inhale as much of the kebab smell as possible.
Myron: As you strain your nose, it stretches out a little further with every sniff... I give up trying to retrieve the kebab from the floor. Instead, I put one of my heavy-nailed hands over the end of a kebob still on the plate to hold it steady, bring my head down and start chewing the hunks of meat & veggies right off the skewer…
Myron: Huh, huh, smell all you want Eala, these kebabs are mine - OINK!
Eala: A pair of tusks pop out as you chew...
Myron: With my head right against the plate I glance over at you while I eat.
Myron: If you don't -CHUFF- want your spaghetti -GULP- I'll eat it, don't -GLOMPFF- worry!
Eala: Realizing that my spaghetti will get cold, I start into it, winding the pasta round a couple of fingers since there's no cutlery.
Myron: *Your upper arms are ballooning up under your sleeves... getting larger and then ripping thru the stitching connecting the sleeves to the shirt's shoulders...*
Eala: Your neck, back and shoulders are very thick now, shaping your face towards the plate.
Myron: (I see you grabbing at your spaghetti and watch handfuls of it slipping out of your chubby hands and falling onto the shirt covering your bulging gut… oh shit, he's catching up!! I redouble my efforts) - GLMPF, GLORP - BELCH!!! - CHEW...
Eala: Squirming, I try to reach the spaghetti to lick it up or wipe it off, squealing in frustration...
Myron: The skewers I’ve stripped clean fall onto the floor with a noisy clang…
Eala: Our ears both perk up and stretch towards the noise…
Myron: Not only is your blubber spilling over the top and bottom of the tray, it's also bulging out onto the chair's arms…I bang at my button again.
Eala: Your nails make a loud clack against the button. Now I can barely move. It takes a huge amount of effort to force my face over the meatball to eat it; my clothes are tearing to shreds as I struggle...
Myron: C'mon, more food! (clack-clack-clack!) I'm –SQUEEAL!- hhunnn-gry!
Myron: Your arms are too short to reach the tray; your hands are entirely hooves now. That's great I think – he’s stuck! Nothing's gonna stop me now!!
Eala: Deposited onto your tray this time is a giant-sized ham and pepperoni pizza. You balk slightly at the topping, even though it smells so good...
Myron: Your tail has grown to its full curly length and is whisking over and over against your buttocks; you don't notice it except as something urging you on to eat more!
Myron: *I love pep and ham and pizza, but this seems... oh what the hell!*
Eala: (Finishing off the meatball, I sweep the plate away with my face and jab at the button with my nose.
Myron: *I'm having as much trouble as you reaching for the food, but I kick my knees against the underside of the tray and send the pizza up close enough to snatch it in my jaws*
Eala: (Emitting a loud grunting all the time as I squirm in the chair, unable to get comfortable...)
Myron: *then i squeeze my forelegs together to make sure to hold onto it*
Myron: *Meanwhile, your next tray is rising into view:
Eala: (Hot pizza sauce covers your whole face, arms and chest.)
Myron: *SNORT, GHRUNT, SLOBBER...*
Eala: (As you lick off the sauce, bristly patches are revealed underneath....)
Myron: - a big bowlful of those same corn on the cobs you love so much - at least six or eight of them! The bow has a tall base that brings up convienently close to your snouty face.
Eala: I'm positively drooling in pleasure.
Myron: Your eyes bulge out at the sight of the corn while your incredibly blubbery cheeks and multiple chins wiggle in anticipatory delight…
Eala: (I kick my feet in anticipation too.)
Myron: *you're ghrunting repeatedly - quiet, short ghrunts*
Eala: (The chair wobbles as I shift around in it; not from struggling, but just the sheer pleasure of eating.)
Myron: *not fair, he's having too much fun* I think, gobbling the last of the pizza crust*
Eala: (Also to try and dislodge the remaining tatters of cloth.)
Myron: *Oh man, he's so fat too! I gotta catch up!*
Eala: (Bristles cover your face too as you messily wipe off the last of the pizza sauce.)
Myron: *My hoof bangs against the button again*
Myron: C'mon GHRUNT! c'mon, OINNNK!!!
Eala: (As you bang and bounce in anticipation, more of your clothes are giving way too...)
Myron: *Your feet have long since grown too short to reach the floor - they barely reach past the front of your chair cushion*
Eala: (Next on your tray is an ice-cream soda in an enormous gallon-sized glass.)
Eala: (The biggest curly straw you ever saw sticks out of it.)
Myron: *You're eating your corn as if you're bobbing for apples. The greasy butter coats your blubbery cheeks, and as if it was some sort of miracle-gro formula, a layer of bristles spring out from it*
Myron: *I lean forward and wrap my lips around the curly straw*
Eala: (I look at the soda, suddenly thirsty myself from all the butter and salt.)
Myron: *I shoot you a smirky glance* OINNK!
Eala: (With each enormous suck, your torso fills up a bit, like you were repeatedly breathing in but not breathing out again...)
Myron: *shlurrrp...shulrrrp...shlurrrp I'm draining the glass as fast as i can, then somehow manage to get my face around the huge softball-sized hunk of icecream in it. I lean my head back and swallow the ice cream & let gravity slide it down my throat*
Eala: (The liquid twirls in and out of the straw... mimicking the motion of the tail that sprouts, twist and curls of its own accord.)
Eala: SNORT! I wanna drin-eee-hink too! GHRUNT!
Myron: I let out an enormous BELLLTCCCHHH!
Eala: (Your whole face is forced forward around the puckered lips by the release of gas. Thrashing about in my seat, I bang at the button with hoof, elbow, snout, whatever body parts can reach it.)
Myron: Huhn-huhh, - BURRRPP! - puhruss yhur bhuttuhn!!
Myron: *My face is so fat, my lips aren't working right*
Eala: *I squeal in frustration....*
Myron: *Another tray rises into view in front of you, carrying an open half of a huge watermelon!*
Eala: (I bury my face into it, sucking up the thrist-quenching juice... I'm so confined by the seat now, I can barely move at all, expect to lean over and eat.)
Myron: *You're making happy ghrunting sounds the whole while, and rubbing your fat cheeks against the inside of the rind. Watermelon juice splashes out over & on your enormous gut*
Eala: GHRUNT-SLOBBER…
Myron: *I wildly flail at the button in my chair, somehow managing to activate it...*
Eala: (On your tray now is an entire bunch of ripe bananas - mockingly unpeeled.)
Myron: GHRUNT?!
Eala: (Finishing the melon, I shake the rind off my face, flinging it across the room, and see what you have now...)
Eala: hehehe-HEEEEEEEEEEEE-eee-ee!
Myron: *I flail at the bananas and manage to pull one off the bunch. I give you a dirty look at your mocking laugh*
Eala: (Flailing with laughter, I thrash around in the seat, which creaks alarmingly...)
Myron: *I squeeze the banana between my hooves, hoping to pop the banana out from inside it and into my mouth,
Eala: Just GHRUNT-EEEeat the skins!
Myron: but instead it just turns into a mashed mess of banana and peel against my chest*
Eala: They’re goo-OINNK! good for you.
Eala: (Spirits raised and confident of victory, I smack at the button again...)
Myron: Uhrhhn-eaaat thuh skins? Uhr-uhr, nho wa-
Eala: *smack smack* Buhhon! Buhhon!
Myron: *I see you hit the button and greedily pick up the entire bunch and stuff them into my face, peels and all! Another tray rises in front of you, slowly, straining against the weight on it and brings an enormous bowl of deep rich chocolate pudding - at least 10 pounds' worth - right to your face. The warm smell of its chocolate is all around you*
Eala: (Your great mass is big enough to hold the bananas. Instead of receding, the bulge in your cheeks as you swallow half of them stays there even as the bananas slide down your gut.)
Myron: *Again I glance at you, my mouth stuffed to overflowing with banana and peel; some of it is still hanging out of my mouth*
Eala: (intoxicated by the chocolate smell...) AhhhhHHHHHHHHAAAAaaaaa....
Myron: BUHHRRRHUURRRHHHP!!!
Myron: Pieces of peel and chunks of banana go flying out of my mouth with the burrp*
Eala: (Your snoutface finally extends to its full length with the last burp. It's now impossible to tell where your face ends and the rest of you begins.)
Myron: *But I'm already banging at my chair's button - I want some of that pudding too! I can smell it from over here and it's driving me -
Eala: (Meanwhile I'm so wedged in I can't reach the bowl.)
Myron: SQUEEEEAAAAALLLL!!!
Myron: crazy!*
Eala: (An identical bowl of pudding is delivered to your tray, again, just out of your reach.)
Myron:* Two enormously fat pigs are kicking and squealing in frustration at the tempting pudding so cruelly out of reach*
Eala: (Squealing and snorting in impotent rage, I barge the seat, rocking it from side to side...)
Myron: *I do the same, rocking my chair back and forth; some of the pudding slops out of our bowls as we do*
Eala: (The weight straining it more and more...)
Eala: SQUEEEE!
Myron: *Our chairs are making creakiing and groaning sounds*
Eala: (…and more...)
Eala: SOEEEGRUNT!
Eala: (Until...) *SNAP*
Myron: GHRUNNT! GHUHHRUNT - SQUEAAAAALLLL!!
Eala: (My chair support finally gives way entirely and the whole lurches violently sideways as it topples over...)
Myron: *My chair collapses forward and I fall onto my humongous belly*
Eala: (As my chair hits the floor, the restraints are split apart by the force of my bulk on top of it...)
Myron: *My tray has broken loose of its support and is lying there in front of me. I oof and puff the few inches over to the pudding bowl and -*
Eala: (Tumbling over and over, I finally come to a dizzy stop, lying on my side where the plate was flung away and smashed against the wall, a huge mess of pudding covers the area in which I now lie...)
Myron: GLOOMMPPFFFF!
Myron: and plunge my face into the bowl, completely immersing it in the chocolate
Eala: (Idly licking at it in oblivious delight, I roll, instinctively trying to wallow in the gelatinous mass.)
Myron: *I can feel the ends of my floppy ears dipping into the chocolate and I GHRHUNNT and SNOHHRRT in delight*
Eala: *happy grunting and sighing noises....
Eala: I stretch out as I lie there, glad to be rid of the restraints of cushion and cloth.)
Myron: *My curly tail sweeps and wiggles happily over my grotesquely large butt.*
Eala: (A loud beeping sound comes from the security camera, where a flashing light pulses on and off in an alarm-like fashion...)
Myron: *Neither of us notice the sound, still wallowing in the joys of chocolate pudding*
Eala: (Finally alerted by the sound, I roll over to examine your great porcine bulk, then glance down at mine...)
Eala: *pig talk* Gee... HIC! I guess we BOTH won, din' we?
Myron: I glance at you, and vaguely take note I'm looking at a massively fat hog*
Myron: SNHORRHHHTTT!!! Yuh, GUHHRHUNNT Uh guess so - OINNNKKK!!!
At that moment the door slides open, and in walk to men in lab coats who quickly perform a double take at the mess and destruction.
Scientist 1: "Good God!"
Eala: (I raise my head at them and grin...)
Eala: Do weBLURRRRP! both get hired then? (It comes out as grunts and snorts...)
Myron: *I SNHORRHT in agreement with your question*
Scientist 2: "I guess we know the formula works for sure now...."
Scientist 1: "And how!"
Eala: (My floppy ears perk at the word 'formula', before deciding it's not important...)
Myron: *pig talk* Not as long as we get fed, right?
Scientist 2: (In a hushed tone...) "Hey - do you think it's wise letting these two know what they were really testing?"
Scientist 1:"Nahhhh, I shouldn't think it matters to 'em now. Look at 'em."
The second scientist claps his hands...
Scientist 2: "Come on piggies! Time to get up - there'll be plenty more food where you're going!"
Eala: (pig talk) Meh....GHRUNT! I don't think I wanna. How 'bout you?
Myron: (pig talk) I dunno, I think I heard him say something about food. There's nothing left to eat here anyway.
Eala: (pig talk) Not unless they wanted to eat us! (I GHRUNT-laugh at my own joke*
Myron: (pig talk) Uh hope nhot! - OINNK!
Scientist 1: "Say - what are we going to do with them anyway? Surely not -"
Scientist 2: "Shhh - of course not! We still need them for more tests - the reversal formula?"
Scientist 1: "I thought that wasn't ready yet?"
Scientist 2: "It's not even CLOSE to ready. It might take months before it's ready for trials. Could be years before it's ready. Hell, it might never work at all!"
Scientist 1 looks at us guiltily... "Never?"
Scientist 2: "Who knows? I don't think these two will mind as long as we feed them, right?"
Scientist 1 shrugs. "S'pose not."
The PIGGY End!
swatcher's illustration of the same:http://www.furaffinity.net/full/4194644/
as enacted by myself and
ealadubhYou could read the teeny text below... OR you could open up the attached Word file and enjoy it in all its typographical glory...
“The Food Tasters”
by Eala Dubh and Comus
(Both Myron and his friend/rival Eala have responded to the same ad for a food taster and are surprised to find each other there…)
Myron: Eala!? You saw the ad too? Dammit, he eats like crazy!
Eala: I sure did! Have you seen anybody else here yet?
Myron: Nope, just us. – I guess we got here ahead of everyone.
They’re taken to a strange, sterile-looking room and shut in. The only furniture in the room are two molded plastic bucket chairs, arranged face to face and each with a big red button built into the end of its right armrest…
Eala: What is this, is it a waiting room?
Myron: No, I think this where we take the test - those seats look really cozy too. Just two seats – no competition. (Except for you, you pig! I'm not gonna let him get this job – I'll eat ANYTHING they put in front of me!)
Eala: I guess it's like a hands-on interview then, whoever does the best gets the job...
Myron: Yeah, they're gonna try us out. Good luck man [not!]
Eala: Maybe they'll hire us both? Or they're just testing two at a time...
Myron: Hmm, didn't think of that...Uh, excuse me, gotta use the john.
Eala: I think I remember seeing one down the hallway...
Myron: I go to the men's room and to make sure I'm hungry, smoke some pot I have with me that really makes the munchies kick in and come back with kind of a silly grin on my face*
Myron: Okay, when do we get to dig in? For some reason all of a sudden, ah'm ah-stahving! (*giggle*)
Eala: I raise an eyebrow at the giggles and tell-tale odour, but don't say anything.... If he's so nervous that he's resorting to drugs to get through this, surely I can't fail!
Myron: I look at you and smirk - hah, he doesn't suspect a thing!
Myron: Okay, let's start this thing! I sit down in the cushy, comfy chair and sink into its cushions a bit - as if it were hugging me.
Eala: I discretely notice a security camera and resolve to be on good behaviour.
Myron: Buzzed as I am, I don't see the camera at all.
Myron: Okay, when do things happen around here?
Eala: Probably when I sit down. (Does so)
Myron: I see a button on the chair's armrest a press it. A slot in the floor opens and a tray with a dish on it travels up on a mechanical arm and comes to rest over my lap.
Eala: *blinks*
Myron: *it's almost like a restraint holding me in place, but I don't notice, looking at the food*
Eala: I guess there's no menu, huh?
Myron: Nope - 'Taster's Choice' it ain't.
Eala: It looks like you've been served the largest grapefruit half I've ever seen...
Eala: Breakfast starter, huh?
Myron: (Oops, I don't really like grapefruit - but I'm gonna eat every bite!)
Eala: I press my button…
Myron: Hmm, I guess so. What they'd give you?
Eala: I'm about to find out.
Myron: A tray comes sliding up in front of Eala; on it is an entire pumpkin pie!
Eala: Blimey!
Eala: Hmmm…
Eala: If you find the grapefruit a bit sharp we could share with each other...
Myron: NO - this is MY grapefruit - eat your own pie! (My vehemence surprises me – I try to pretend I didn’t shout that loud.) Err, the grapefruit's already been cut away from the rind - that'll make it easy. (And quicker to eat too, heh heh!)
Eala: Just asking… this pumpkin pie's fairly sweet... (shrugs)
Myron: I take the spoon and start shoveling the pieces into my mouth, as if it were more a speed eating contest than a tasting session.
Eala: I'm not sure I want any now you're getting juice on your face....
Myron: Uh oh, yeah… tangy, this stuff is very... tangy!
Myron: Slurp! (My tongue darts out around my mouth to try to lick away some of the juice on my face.)
Eala: So I notice. (Your mouth contorts into a huge wince at the sharpness… or maybe it's your thick, rubbery lips?)
Myron: Uh hey Eala, you hardly touched your pie! (Heh, he doesn't have a chance!)
Eala: I bite into the slice of pie and immediately make the same wincing face at its incredible sweetness...
Eala: Gahhh, so sweet - but not too bad...
Myron: The wince seems to stick a bit, especially under your eyes where your face seems kind of puffy… like you have fat eyelids.
Myron: Oh, can't deal with the job,huh?
Eala: I watch you tackle the last of the grapefruit, your long puffy tongue scooping out the last of the bits and juice. Maybe it's the sugar rush, but I want more pie; I help myself to another piece.)
Myron: Too bad! (I press my button again and another slot opens on the other side of my chair. Another tray rises and replaces the first tray - so there's always a tray in front of me - should the thought cross my mind to try to leave - which never happens.)
Eala: I eat a third slice of pie, at least as big as the first two slices combined...
Eala: Ew, very sticky… Gah – any water to wash this down with?
Myron: There's an orange ring of pie around your mouth.
Eala: And a mess of grapefruit around yours.
Myron: As if the room heard you another tray brings you a glass of clear liquid. You don't know it yet, but it's pure sugar water...
Eala: (I chug the liquid in one go...)
Eala: Oooh...HIC!
Myron: (Watching you drink it, I involuntarily…) *BURRP!*
Eala: Not sure what that was... (I get a bit light-headed at the sugar rush... Your mouth flaps wider and thicker at the belch, lips and goiter vibrating... I shake my head to clear it a bit...
Myron: I don't notice your cheeks have bulged out a bit after you gulped down the drink; I’m paying more attention to what’s on your tray.
Myron: Eala, you still haven't finished your pie! I'm ready for my second course. (I lift up the silver cover off the platter and…)
Eala: On your platter is an entire roast chicken, with a huge side of mash and gravy. Only one slice of pie left on mine… a big slice, though. I scoff it down as fast as I can to move onto the next course….
Myron: The big slice makes your neck grow thick and flabby - suddenly you have a fat double chin…your eyes also go puffy as you blink.
Eala: I press the button...
Myron: Another tray slides up and lands in front of you, carrying the biggest ear of corn you've ever seen – twice as long and easily three times the width of a normal one, swimming in butter that gleams and shines in the room's light.
Eala: Ooooh....
Myron: Oh geeze, it's gonna take me forever to finish this - and he only has an ear of corn! Better get started!
Eala: Funny, I was never fond of corn before, but this looks gooooood...
Myron: I grab a chicken leg and rip it off the rest of the bird…
Eala: I look for a napkin to pick it up with...
Myron: I devour the leg in two bites, while at the same time shoveling mashed potatoes into my mouth as fast as I can. GLOMPF, CHOMPFFF...
Eala: Boy, you really don't care about making a mess! (Guess I'll have to pick this up with my fingers…)
Myron: Huh? BURRRP!! They didn't invite us here to be neat, they invited us here to eat!
Eala: Your cheeks puff up with the belch, and it looks like your beard is sprouting out a bit to cover them.
Eala: So I pick up gingerly and start munching...
Myron: Hyuck, that rhymes!
Eala: He's really off his face! I must make a better impression, the way he's acting...
Myron: Your lips almost seem to stretch out to cover as much of the corncob as possible. After eating the second chicken leg just as fast as the first, I pull a hunk of breast meat off the bird with my hand and begin chewing on it.
Eala: I crunch on the corn, trying not to spill too much butter. Not because I want to stay clean, but the butter makes it so much better.
Myron: The front of your nose - around your nostrils looks all shiny - from the butter I assume…
Eala: Your hands are slick with chicken grease. Is it the light shining off it, or do they look rather pudgy?
Myron: I look at you smugly - you're not even trying to keep up – hah, this job is already mine!
Eala: I finish the enormous ear, and immediately want another one.
Myron: Another tray slides up in front of you – this one has an enormous bowl of soup so thick it's almost like gravy, with heavy-looking dumplings floating on its surface.
Eala: I try to discretely wipe the butter off my nose with a thick upper lip…
Myron: Your hands are still greasy from holding the corncob - greasy and puffy…
Eala: Hey, there's no spoon?
Myron: I toss the chicken carcass back on the plate and press the button on my chair, then glance at your tray. I guess not -
Eala: I try lifting the bowl, but it's heavy and my fingers are slippery…
Myron: Looks like you can't eat so dainty this time around! (Nyah-nyah, I mentally gloat.)
Eala: An identical bowl of soup is delivered in front of you!
Eala: Hah, neither can you!
Myron: Nyah... uh-oh!
Eala: I lean over, blow on the soup, then put my lips to it and start drinking.
Eala: Whoa... it's is almost pure beef stock!
Myron: Pure beef stock thickened up with corn syrup, that is… I try to lift my bowl up, but it slips out of my puffy hands and fingers and bangs back onto the tray, spilling some of it out.
Eala: …really rich.
Myron: Oh shit, that might cost me! Better dig in for real!
Eala: My bowl's getting half empty, meaning I have to really lean over into it.
Myron: (I lean over with far more vigor than you, and gulp up a mouthful - then another and another...) GULP, SLOBBER GORP…
Myron: I give a greedy glance over at you and see you leaning towards your soup bowl; I redouble my efforts and plunge my face entirely into the bowl!
Eala: As you lean over and gulp, your neck and back start to round out which each gulp, making the shirt tight around the collar...
Myron: GLOOSH, SHMOORP, SWALLOW...
Eala: The bowl is empty enough that I can now pick it up, lean back, and pour the rest into my open mouth...
Myron: As you lean over, the fabric in the seat of your pants starts stretching out. The seam running down its seat slowly starts giving way a stitch at a time...
Eala: This tray is getting – HIC! – uncomfortable.
Myron: When you lean back with the bowl, the front of your shirt stretches out, revealing flab pushing its way out between the buttons…
Eala: There’s a faint tearing sound as I shuffle around in the seat…
Eala: What was that? (There’s an open space at the bottom of your seat back and your flabby buttocks spill into view of the camera behind you.)
Eala: Did you hear that?
Myron: GULP SWALLOW GOBBER... URRP! No, SNORT, hear what?
Eala: Guess it was nothing....
Myron: something is tickling the very top of your rear, very lightly so as to almost be unnoticeable...
Eala: Your earlobes are becoming flat and round, all the better to catch other noises that may occur.
Myron: POP!! The shirt button over your navel pops off the shirt and your gut bulges over and under the tray in front of you.
Myron: Huhh, I heard that, huh-huh!
Eala: I press the button, worried that this may be the last course if the tray prevents me from eating any more...
Myron: I press the button on my chair repeatedly… C'mon, more food - I'm hungry!
Eala: I'm still hungry too, just constricted.
Myron: A new tray replaces the old one in front of you, with just enough extra room to ease your worry.
Eala: Ahhhhhhh...
Eala: On your tray is a dozen large kebabs; I sniff at them jealously.
Myron: Oh boy, I love these things!
Eala: So do I. (I frump and lean towards you, sniffing at them more.)
Myron: (I hear your sniff and greedily lean over the kebobs to keep you from seeing them) GHRUNNT! Go away, get your own food!
Eala: I lift the lift the cover off my tray…
Myron: Under it is a mountain of spaghetti crowned by an enormous meatball!
Eala: Whoa!
Myron: I try to pick up one of the kebobs, but it slips out of my greasy hands. I don't notice how large the two middle nails of my fingers are looking.
Eala: The kebob falls on the floor, and rolls over closer to me…
Myron: NO!! That's mine!
Myron: I try to push my way past the tray to retrieve the kebab, but the tray won't move… GHRUNT, OOHF, UHRFF... dammit!
Eala: Neither of us can reach the kebab, but ohhhh, can we smell it! It even drowns out the smell of the meatball.
Myron: again I stare at you and covet your meatball and spaghetti
Eala: I sniff and sniff, straining with my nose to inhale as much of the kebab smell as possible.
Myron: As you strain your nose, it stretches out a little further with every sniff... I give up trying to retrieve the kebab from the floor. Instead, I put one of my heavy-nailed hands over the end of a kebob still on the plate to hold it steady, bring my head down and start chewing the hunks of meat & veggies right off the skewer…
Myron: Huh, huh, smell all you want Eala, these kebabs are mine - OINK!
Eala: A pair of tusks pop out as you chew...
Myron: With my head right against the plate I glance over at you while I eat.
Myron: If you don't -CHUFF- want your spaghetti -GULP- I'll eat it, don't -GLOMPFF- worry!
Eala: Realizing that my spaghetti will get cold, I start into it, winding the pasta round a couple of fingers since there's no cutlery.
Myron: *Your upper arms are ballooning up under your sleeves... getting larger and then ripping thru the stitching connecting the sleeves to the shirt's shoulders...*
Eala: Your neck, back and shoulders are very thick now, shaping your face towards the plate.
Myron: (I see you grabbing at your spaghetti and watch handfuls of it slipping out of your chubby hands and falling onto the shirt covering your bulging gut… oh shit, he's catching up!! I redouble my efforts) - GLMPF, GLORP - BELCH!!! - CHEW...
Eala: Squirming, I try to reach the spaghetti to lick it up or wipe it off, squealing in frustration...
Myron: The skewers I’ve stripped clean fall onto the floor with a noisy clang…
Eala: Our ears both perk up and stretch towards the noise…
Myron: Not only is your blubber spilling over the top and bottom of the tray, it's also bulging out onto the chair's arms…I bang at my button again.
Eala: Your nails make a loud clack against the button. Now I can barely move. It takes a huge amount of effort to force my face over the meatball to eat it; my clothes are tearing to shreds as I struggle...
Myron: C'mon, more food! (clack-clack-clack!) I'm –SQUEEAL!- hhunnn-gry!
Myron: Your arms are too short to reach the tray; your hands are entirely hooves now. That's great I think – he’s stuck! Nothing's gonna stop me now!!
Eala: Deposited onto your tray this time is a giant-sized ham and pepperoni pizza. You balk slightly at the topping, even though it smells so good...
Myron: Your tail has grown to its full curly length and is whisking over and over against your buttocks; you don't notice it except as something urging you on to eat more!
Myron: *I love pep and ham and pizza, but this seems... oh what the hell!*
Eala: (Finishing off the meatball, I sweep the plate away with my face and jab at the button with my nose.
Myron: *I'm having as much trouble as you reaching for the food, but I kick my knees against the underside of the tray and send the pizza up close enough to snatch it in my jaws*
Eala: (Emitting a loud grunting all the time as I squirm in the chair, unable to get comfortable...)
Myron: *then i squeeze my forelegs together to make sure to hold onto it*
Myron: *Meanwhile, your next tray is rising into view:
Eala: (Hot pizza sauce covers your whole face, arms and chest.)
Myron: *SNORT, GHRUNT, SLOBBER...*
Eala: (As you lick off the sauce, bristly patches are revealed underneath....)
Myron: - a big bowlful of those same corn on the cobs you love so much - at least six or eight of them! The bow has a tall base that brings up convienently close to your snouty face.
Eala: I'm positively drooling in pleasure.
Myron: Your eyes bulge out at the sight of the corn while your incredibly blubbery cheeks and multiple chins wiggle in anticipatory delight…
Eala: (I kick my feet in anticipation too.)
Myron: *you're ghrunting repeatedly - quiet, short ghrunts*
Eala: (The chair wobbles as I shift around in it; not from struggling, but just the sheer pleasure of eating.)
Myron: *not fair, he's having too much fun* I think, gobbling the last of the pizza crust*
Eala: (Also to try and dislodge the remaining tatters of cloth.)
Myron: *Oh man, he's so fat too! I gotta catch up!*
Eala: (Bristles cover your face too as you messily wipe off the last of the pizza sauce.)
Myron: *My hoof bangs against the button again*
Myron: C'mon GHRUNT! c'mon, OINNNK!!!
Eala: (As you bang and bounce in anticipation, more of your clothes are giving way too...)
Myron: *Your feet have long since grown too short to reach the floor - they barely reach past the front of your chair cushion*
Eala: (Next on your tray is an ice-cream soda in an enormous gallon-sized glass.)
Eala: (The biggest curly straw you ever saw sticks out of it.)
Myron: *You're eating your corn as if you're bobbing for apples. The greasy butter coats your blubbery cheeks, and as if it was some sort of miracle-gro formula, a layer of bristles spring out from it*
Myron: *I lean forward and wrap my lips around the curly straw*
Eala: (I look at the soda, suddenly thirsty myself from all the butter and salt.)
Myron: *I shoot you a smirky glance* OINNK!
Eala: (With each enormous suck, your torso fills up a bit, like you were repeatedly breathing in but not breathing out again...)
Myron: *shlurrrp...shulrrrp...shlurrrp I'm draining the glass as fast as i can, then somehow manage to get my face around the huge softball-sized hunk of icecream in it. I lean my head back and swallow the ice cream & let gravity slide it down my throat*
Eala: (The liquid twirls in and out of the straw... mimicking the motion of the tail that sprouts, twist and curls of its own accord.)
Eala: SNORT! I wanna drin-eee-hink too! GHRUNT!
Myron: I let out an enormous BELLLTCCCHHH!
Eala: (Your whole face is forced forward around the puckered lips by the release of gas. Thrashing about in my seat, I bang at the button with hoof, elbow, snout, whatever body parts can reach it.)
Myron: Huhn-huhh, - BURRRPP! - puhruss yhur bhuttuhn!!
Myron: *My face is so fat, my lips aren't working right*
Eala: *I squeal in frustration....*
Myron: *Another tray rises into view in front of you, carrying an open half of a huge watermelon!*
Eala: (I bury my face into it, sucking up the thrist-quenching juice... I'm so confined by the seat now, I can barely move at all, expect to lean over and eat.)
Myron: *You're making happy ghrunting sounds the whole while, and rubbing your fat cheeks against the inside of the rind. Watermelon juice splashes out over & on your enormous gut*
Eala: GHRUNT-SLOBBER…
Myron: *I wildly flail at the button in my chair, somehow managing to activate it...*
Eala: (On your tray now is an entire bunch of ripe bananas - mockingly unpeeled.)
Myron: GHRUNT?!
Eala: (Finishing the melon, I shake the rind off my face, flinging it across the room, and see what you have now...)
Eala: hehehe-HEEEEEEEEEEEE-eee-ee!
Myron: *I flail at the bananas and manage to pull one off the bunch. I give you a dirty look at your mocking laugh*
Eala: (Flailing with laughter, I thrash around in the seat, which creaks alarmingly...)
Myron: *I squeeze the banana between my hooves, hoping to pop the banana out from inside it and into my mouth,
Eala: Just GHRUNT-EEEeat the skins!
Myron: but instead it just turns into a mashed mess of banana and peel against my chest*
Eala: They’re goo-OINNK! good for you.
Eala: (Spirits raised and confident of victory, I smack at the button again...)
Myron: Uhrhhn-eaaat thuh skins? Uhr-uhr, nho wa-
Eala: *smack smack* Buhhon! Buhhon!
Myron: *I see you hit the button and greedily pick up the entire bunch and stuff them into my face, peels and all! Another tray rises in front of you, slowly, straining against the weight on it and brings an enormous bowl of deep rich chocolate pudding - at least 10 pounds' worth - right to your face. The warm smell of its chocolate is all around you*
Eala: (Your great mass is big enough to hold the bananas. Instead of receding, the bulge in your cheeks as you swallow half of them stays there even as the bananas slide down your gut.)
Myron: *Again I glance at you, my mouth stuffed to overflowing with banana and peel; some of it is still hanging out of my mouth*
Eala: (intoxicated by the chocolate smell...) AhhhhHHHHHHHHAAAAaaaaa....
Myron: BUHHRRRHUURRRHHHP!!!
Myron: Pieces of peel and chunks of banana go flying out of my mouth with the burrp*
Eala: (Your snoutface finally extends to its full length with the last burp. It's now impossible to tell where your face ends and the rest of you begins.)
Myron: *But I'm already banging at my chair's button - I want some of that pudding too! I can smell it from over here and it's driving me -
Eala: (Meanwhile I'm so wedged in I can't reach the bowl.)
Myron: SQUEEEEAAAAALLLL!!!
Myron: crazy!*
Eala: (An identical bowl of pudding is delivered to your tray, again, just out of your reach.)
Myron:* Two enormously fat pigs are kicking and squealing in frustration at the tempting pudding so cruelly out of reach*
Eala: (Squealing and snorting in impotent rage, I barge the seat, rocking it from side to side...)
Myron: *I do the same, rocking my chair back and forth; some of the pudding slops out of our bowls as we do*
Eala: (The weight straining it more and more...)
Eala: SQUEEEE!
Myron: *Our chairs are making creakiing and groaning sounds*
Eala: (…and more...)
Eala: SOEEEGRUNT!
Eala: (Until...) *SNAP*
Myron: GHRUNNT! GHUHHRUNT - SQUEAAAAALLLL!!
Eala: (My chair support finally gives way entirely and the whole lurches violently sideways as it topples over...)
Myron: *My chair collapses forward and I fall onto my humongous belly*
Eala: (As my chair hits the floor, the restraints are split apart by the force of my bulk on top of it...)
Myron: *My tray has broken loose of its support and is lying there in front of me. I oof and puff the few inches over to the pudding bowl and -*
Eala: (Tumbling over and over, I finally come to a dizzy stop, lying on my side where the plate was flung away and smashed against the wall, a huge mess of pudding covers the area in which I now lie...)
Myron: GLOOMMPPFFFF!
Myron: and plunge my face into the bowl, completely immersing it in the chocolate
Eala: (Idly licking at it in oblivious delight, I roll, instinctively trying to wallow in the gelatinous mass.)
Myron: *I can feel the ends of my floppy ears dipping into the chocolate and I GHRHUNNT and SNOHHRRT in delight*
Eala: *happy grunting and sighing noises....
Eala: I stretch out as I lie there, glad to be rid of the restraints of cushion and cloth.)
Myron: *My curly tail sweeps and wiggles happily over my grotesquely large butt.*
Eala: (A loud beeping sound comes from the security camera, where a flashing light pulses on and off in an alarm-like fashion...)
Myron: *Neither of us notice the sound, still wallowing in the joys of chocolate pudding*
Eala: (Finally alerted by the sound, I roll over to examine your great porcine bulk, then glance down at mine...)
Eala: *pig talk* Gee... HIC! I guess we BOTH won, din' we?
Myron: I glance at you, and vaguely take note I'm looking at a massively fat hog*
Myron: SNHORRHHHTTT!!! Yuh, GUHHRHUNNT Uh guess so - OINNNKKK!!!
At that moment the door slides open, and in walk to men in lab coats who quickly perform a double take at the mess and destruction.
Scientist 1: "Good God!"
Eala: (I raise my head at them and grin...)
Eala: Do weBLURRRRP! both get hired then? (It comes out as grunts and snorts...)
Myron: *I SNHORRHT in agreement with your question*
Scientist 2: "I guess we know the formula works for sure now...."
Scientist 1: "And how!"
Eala: (My floppy ears perk at the word 'formula', before deciding it's not important...)
Myron: *pig talk* Not as long as we get fed, right?
Scientist 2: (In a hushed tone...) "Hey - do you think it's wise letting these two know what they were really testing?"
Scientist 1:"Nahhhh, I shouldn't think it matters to 'em now. Look at 'em."
The second scientist claps his hands...
Scientist 2: "Come on piggies! Time to get up - there'll be plenty more food where you're going!"
Eala: (pig talk) Meh....GHRUNT! I don't think I wanna. How 'bout you?
Myron: (pig talk) I dunno, I think I heard him say something about food. There's nothing left to eat here anyway.
Eala: (pig talk) Not unless they wanted to eat us! (I GHRUNT-laugh at my own joke*
Myron: (pig talk) Uh hope nhot! - OINNK!
Scientist 1: "Say - what are we going to do with them anyway? Surely not -"
Scientist 2: "Shhh - of course not! We still need them for more tests - the reversal formula?"
Scientist 1: "I thought that wasn't ready yet?"
Scientist 2: "It's not even CLOSE to ready. It might take months before it's ready for trials. Could be years before it's ready. Hell, it might never work at all!"
Scientist 1 looks at us guiltily... "Never?"
Scientist 2: "Who knows? I don't think these two will mind as long as we feed them, right?"
Scientist 1 shrugs. "S'pose not."
The PIGGY End!
Category Story / Transformation
Species Mammal (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 80.5 kB
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