Fitting music piece: Meteor - The Aftermath (CyberPunk/Synthwave)
I have some exciting science news at the bottom about a naural chip! It's equally terrifying to amazing!

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As mentioned before in this and this piece I have struggled a lot with stress-induced CFS for almost one and a half years at this point. It took a long time to even start turning things around.

The first 6 months I couldn't really do anything. The next 6 months were spent in confusion trying to do all the stuff I loved and used to to, but not being able to without understanding why. And the last 5 months have been spent finally being able to reach out for help (which is stupidly hard if you're extremely apathic) and finally get the ball rolling. I've been in therapy for the last 2 months now. It started out with mapping up all of my issues and then trying to find ways to deal with them. And today, well...

... today the full diagnosis was finally set and printed on paper. I have a pretty bad and long-term case of CFS. Some people get light ones that last a few weeks or months. The severe cases start at 6+ months, am I'm about to break month 18 with this shit. With this, and the talks with my doctor and therapist, I've also come to a somewhat horrifying conclusion.

This will never stop. It will never get better. I will have to deal with this crap for the rest of my life. Great.

It's not about treating it anymore. It's about helping me learn how to live with my newfound and almost invisible crippling handicap.

So, how does it affect me to this day?
While the worst parts of it are gone or mildened enough to be under control, some severe issues remain:
- The Rollercoaster. Each day is like making a roll of the dice. It can be a perfectly normal day, even if my energy levels are down to around 25% of what they used to be. 4-5 hours if work will send me straight to bed, sleeping. I used to work 12 hour shifts and taking care of my house AND hobbies before this. Now I have to choose if I want to go shopping, cleaning or hang with friends, because I only have enough energy for 1 of them.
- Forgetfulness. This is probably the most annoying one. My short term memory is absolutely terrible. I can remember something, grab my phone to write it up, but by the time I unlock it, I've forgotten what I wanted to write.
- Unable to focus. I can completely lose track of what someone is speaking about or what I'm reading / listening to in the middle of it, and I have to take it all from the start. It's also hard to focus on my own work.
- Tiredness. I'm almost constantly tired. And things that I could endure for hours before now tire me out enough to sleep in an hour.
- Brainfog. When I get too much impressions/stress/work too much, my brain feels extremely mushy and I can't think straight, and I really struggle to perform even the most basic tasks.
- Apathy. More than anything, CFS really cripples my initiative. I know there are things I should do. Things I must do. Things that really require my attention. But I just don't do them. I just... can't. It's like, when I try to do it, something short-circuits in my head and I just sit there.

Then of course all of this makes me feel inadequate which makes me easily annoyed, snappy and in a general bad mood. And I often fall down into deep depression pockets that are almost impossible to get out from. But at least now, thanks to my therapist, I'm slowly starting to be able to work around my issues and learn my new limits. That I'm just at 25% of what I used to be is just a sad fact that I have to live with. So instead I must learn how to conserve that energy and do my best with what little I have. And to know that is extremely disheartening.

So while I'm making progress at last, almost 18 months down the line, it's a long road ahead with a very small reward at the end. I'm starting to get better at picking up the signals of a new stress overdose that will knock me out for days, or to recognize how little energy I have from day to day and how I can best use it. I'm also learning new ways to look at my life and my goals so that I won't hate myself so bitterly, which hopefully will give me some energy back as well. And of course, learning to conserve what little I have through different and personally fitted means. It's really tough and I get to face a lot of hard truths, and many tears has been shed. But, that brings me to what I want to talk about:

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A new and equally horrifying to amazing technology. In this upload I mention Val's Data Integration Unit and how it can read her brain signals to recognize distress, etc. Well, as with everything in my Mechina Mk. II design, it's taken from an exciting and experimental technology. A typical example would be the massive battery that is mentioned in the same upload that is in fact based on this experimental technology.

So what if I told you that it exists a chip, that can be implanted into your brain, that can control your emotions?
Just stop for a second and realize that immense power of such a tool. How easy it would be to keep a repressed population happy... or perhaps a way to actually cure people with severe depression and CFS? The possibilities are endless and I'm really excited to see where they take it! We're really heading for that MegaCorp dysopian future and I'm equally amazed as I am horrified. 2021 really rocks so far~

Long Live the CyberPunk \m/
art by  kabash with slight alterations by me.