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Story / Fantasy
Species Horse
Size 50 x 50
File Size 129.7 kB
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This short story is a part of a short story series I have dubbed "The Bells of Aritovka," which takes place in a science fiction setting I've been working on and off privately since 2015. After much deliberation, I've decided to finally begin posting these short stories for others to enjoy and, potentially, find some inspiration from them.
Since the main text doesn't include a proper introduction to the series, I will offer a short summary here to provide context:
The story takes place during the Peponian-Platorian War - often referred to as "The Great War" - on the planet Aritovka. During the war, Aritovka was invaded by the Platorian military with much of the planet ending up under Platorian occupation. However, the Peponian military built up the defenses around the capital city of Aritovka (where the planet gets its name), forcing the Platorian military to conduct a long, protracted siege of the city. For well over six hundred days, the city withstood the siege until the Peponian forces conducted a major counterattack and force the Platorian army to retreat. However, the victory came at a great cost with countless millions of Peponian men and women dying during the siege with countless millions of civilian casualties.
Since the main text doesn't include a proper introduction to the series, I will offer a short summary here to provide context:
The story takes place during the Peponian-Platorian War - often referred to as "The Great War" - on the planet Aritovka. During the war, Aritovka was invaded by the Platorian military with much of the planet ending up under Platorian occupation. However, the Peponian military built up the defenses around the capital city of Aritovka (where the planet gets its name), forcing the Platorian military to conduct a long, protracted siege of the city. For well over six hundred days, the city withstood the siege until the Peponian forces conducted a major counterattack and force the Platorian army to retreat. However, the victory came at a great cost with countless millions of Peponian men and women dying during the siege with countless millions of civilian casualties.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Horse
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 129.7 kB
Listed in Folders
Powerful story, good description, good internal character work. One can always ponder the divine being close or appearing in SF, but this is the only glimpse we have in this universe and it does fulfill good purpose in this short.
“In all wars throughout history, … untimely manner.”
Though a thoughtful Introductus, that is what it is. Not pertinent to the flow of the story, free floating, etc. The story begins the paragraph after. To make this stick. Italics and put a quote with it will keep all its prowess without it being a issue in the story.
“But, thankfully for him and most of his friends, they’d
survived these attacks, though at the cost of their sleep”
(always be careful be careful with starting sentences with but and and as there can be clause issues between it and the previous sentence, this is one of those cases. Just leaving it as thankfully keeps strong flow.)
H(e) couldn’t remain (just a missing he typo it happens)
This is a big issue you need to resolve. You have a incorrect dialogue tag habit: If the speaker is doing the act of the speaking then it is tagged with a comma unless it is an exclamation or a question. Periods clause the tag clause thus it is a single action independent from dialogue. The tags are not single or independent.
Some examples;
Sorry, sir (dialogue).” Joseph responded (tag), (incorrect)
ordered to move.” He chastised Joseph, (incorrect)
Yes, sir.” Joseph responded (incorrect)
Sorry, sir,” Joseph responded, (correct
ordered to move,” He chastised Joseph, (correct)
Yes, sir,” Joseph responded (correct)
Pretty much all your dialogue needs fixed due to this issue.
You can learn more of dialogue and tags here https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45781356/
This sentence is technically fine and can be left as is. It is an example of a place to explore in the Boolean tree of writing and decision making. We can just state these things or turn to thick description of how he feels this way. Both have different strengths and weaknesses in the flow of this.
“As he sat there, behind what little safety and security the trenches afforded to him, he felt powerless and weak”
This paragraph on the other hand interrupts flow and needs to be transitioned into. It comes out of nowhere flow wise. You have the transition out, but you need the transition in. The key is transitioning in with Joseph.
“Before the shells rained down, …came, that is”
“It hadn’t been more … armor and goggles.”
This large section in that remembering period needs cleaned a bit too flow wise and made more show over tell tied to character. Some it can be made thoughts, some it scrapped, some of it can be reinforced by coming in and out of memory in the real world Joseph is inhabiting.
Always some room for more anthropomorphic description, because when we have it is strong and great.
Though, love this story the thing I love to see in the fandom.
“In all wars throughout history, … untimely manner.”
Though a thoughtful Introductus, that is what it is. Not pertinent to the flow of the story, free floating, etc. The story begins the paragraph after. To make this stick. Italics and put a quote with it will keep all its prowess without it being a issue in the story.
“But, thankfully for him and most of his friends, they’d
survived these attacks, though at the cost of their sleep”
(always be careful be careful with starting sentences with but and and as there can be clause issues between it and the previous sentence, this is one of those cases. Just leaving it as thankfully keeps strong flow.)
H(e) couldn’t remain (just a missing he typo it happens)
This is a big issue you need to resolve. You have a incorrect dialogue tag habit: If the speaker is doing the act of the speaking then it is tagged with a comma unless it is an exclamation or a question. Periods clause the tag clause thus it is a single action independent from dialogue. The tags are not single or independent.
Some examples;
Sorry, sir (dialogue).” Joseph responded (tag), (incorrect)
ordered to move.” He chastised Joseph, (incorrect)
Yes, sir.” Joseph responded (incorrect)
Sorry, sir,” Joseph responded, (correct
ordered to move,” He chastised Joseph, (correct)
Yes, sir,” Joseph responded (correct)
Pretty much all your dialogue needs fixed due to this issue.
You can learn more of dialogue and tags here https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45781356/
This sentence is technically fine and can be left as is. It is an example of a place to explore in the Boolean tree of writing and decision making. We can just state these things or turn to thick description of how he feels this way. Both have different strengths and weaknesses in the flow of this.
“As he sat there, behind what little safety and security the trenches afforded to him, he felt powerless and weak”
This paragraph on the other hand interrupts flow and needs to be transitioned into. It comes out of nowhere flow wise. You have the transition out, but you need the transition in. The key is transitioning in with Joseph.
“Before the shells rained down, …came, that is”
“It hadn’t been more … armor and goggles.”
This large section in that remembering period needs cleaned a bit too flow wise and made more show over tell tied to character. Some it can be made thoughts, some it scrapped, some of it can be reinforced by coming in and out of memory in the real world Joseph is inhabiting.
Always some room for more anthropomorphic description, because when we have it is strong and great.
Though, love this story the thing I love to see in the fandom.
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