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Hats Off
© 2021 by Walter Reimer
Thumbnail art by
dragonmelde, color by 
marmelmm
“Fight it! I’ll try to remove it this time!”
“AAAHHHH!”
“Hold still, Meredith!”
“Get it off me! Get it off me!”
“I’m trying, hold – still!” With her prehensile tail wrapped around a tree, Varan succeeded in removing the Kurwood Derby from Meredith’s head. It had been the mare’s fault that she put it on, citing her curiosity about what the magical item’s properties were. She had very carefully placed it on her head, the earholes in the sides of the hat migrating to fit the golden palomino paladin’s ears.
As soon as Meredith had dropped her paws, however, things began to happen.
Her lips and limbs twitched, and her voice, sounding strangely flat, said, “Typically, the blade of a glaive is around 45 centimeters long, on the end of a pole 2 meters long, with the blade affixed in a socket-shaft configuration similar to an axe head. Occasionally, glaive blades are forged with a small hook on the reverse side to better catch mounted opponents.”
“What?” Varan asked.
“The Juice spell is used primarily to enhance the alchemical properties of various potions,” the flat voice never wavered. “For example, a Celerity spell will enable the caster to run three kilometers in under three minutes, based on terrain and physique; using the Juice spell, the distance can be covered in one minute.”
The vir swished her tail as she filed that little bit of knowledge away. It might come in useful. Her feline pupils narrowed slightly as she asked, “What do you know about the Kurwood Derby?”
Meredith’s eyes moved back and forth as her voice said, “The Kurwood Derby is a Level Fifteen Cursed Item – “
“Wait a moment!” Varan said as she frowned. “Did you say ‘cursed?’”
“Yes,” replied the monotone voice. “The Kurwood Derby enables the wearer to become the smartest person in the realm, but the curse is that it soon turns the wearer into the Overbearing Know-It-All. Shunned by everyone it meets, the bearer soon sickens and dies of malnutrition and loneliness.”
“Is there any way to negate the curse?”
“The only way to counteract the curse and use the knowledge in a practical manner requires that the wearer of the Derby also wear the Amulet of Asininity, which is in three pieces.”
Varan frowned. “Of course.”
Meredith’s eyes started to give Varan pleading looks while her voice continued to drone, “The Amulet’s three parts may be found in the Sacred Car Park of el-Bo, the Demon’s Library, and the Grotto of Desire.”
Wonderful; another quest. “All right, hold still Meredith . . . “ As soon as the vir mage’s fingers touched the Derby, the mare began to struggle, limbs flopping about as the cursed hat tried to stop Varan from freeing the paladin from its influence.
Which led to a fight as Varan labored to pull the hat off. As soon as one part of the brim was clear of Meredith’s head, the mare had started pleading with her to help her get free. Eventually, the two had succeeded in getting the Derby away from the paladin.
With the hat securely back in its box, Meredith staggered over to a nearby rock and sat down. “That was awful,” she groaned.
“Could you understand it?” Varan asked.
“I understood its intent pretty well,” Meredith replied as she reached for a waterskin. Drinking thirstily, she lowered the container and said, “That’s one hell of a trap. Everything you can possibly need to know, but at the risk of driving away anyone who can help you.” She looked up at the mage. “So, we need to get hold of that Amulet.”
“Aka, it appears so,” Varan conceded, “so after we get some rest, we should start exploring.”
***
Meredith saved the game module at that point, and as the simulacra faded away she sat back, thinking.
© 2021 by Walter Reimer
Thumbnail art by
dragonmelde, color by 
marmelmm“Fight it! I’ll try to remove it this time!”
“AAAHHHH!”
“Hold still, Meredith!”
“Get it off me! Get it off me!”
“I’m trying, hold – still!” With her prehensile tail wrapped around a tree, Varan succeeded in removing the Kurwood Derby from Meredith’s head. It had been the mare’s fault that she put it on, citing her curiosity about what the magical item’s properties were. She had very carefully placed it on her head, the earholes in the sides of the hat migrating to fit the golden palomino paladin’s ears.
As soon as Meredith had dropped her paws, however, things began to happen.
Her lips and limbs twitched, and her voice, sounding strangely flat, said, “Typically, the blade of a glaive is around 45 centimeters long, on the end of a pole 2 meters long, with the blade affixed in a socket-shaft configuration similar to an axe head. Occasionally, glaive blades are forged with a small hook on the reverse side to better catch mounted opponents.”
“What?” Varan asked.
“The Juice spell is used primarily to enhance the alchemical properties of various potions,” the flat voice never wavered. “For example, a Celerity spell will enable the caster to run three kilometers in under three minutes, based on terrain and physique; using the Juice spell, the distance can be covered in one minute.”
The vir swished her tail as she filed that little bit of knowledge away. It might come in useful. Her feline pupils narrowed slightly as she asked, “What do you know about the Kurwood Derby?”
Meredith’s eyes moved back and forth as her voice said, “The Kurwood Derby is a Level Fifteen Cursed Item – “
“Wait a moment!” Varan said as she frowned. “Did you say ‘cursed?’”
“Yes,” replied the monotone voice. “The Kurwood Derby enables the wearer to become the smartest person in the realm, but the curse is that it soon turns the wearer into the Overbearing Know-It-All. Shunned by everyone it meets, the bearer soon sickens and dies of malnutrition and loneliness.”
“Is there any way to negate the curse?”
“The only way to counteract the curse and use the knowledge in a practical manner requires that the wearer of the Derby also wear the Amulet of Asininity, which is in three pieces.”
Varan frowned. “Of course.”
Meredith’s eyes started to give Varan pleading looks while her voice continued to drone, “The Amulet’s three parts may be found in the Sacred Car Park of el-Bo, the Demon’s Library, and the Grotto of Desire.”
Wonderful; another quest. “All right, hold still Meredith . . . “ As soon as the vir mage’s fingers touched the Derby, the mare began to struggle, limbs flopping about as the cursed hat tried to stop Varan from freeing the paladin from its influence.
Which led to a fight as Varan labored to pull the hat off. As soon as one part of the brim was clear of Meredith’s head, the mare had started pleading with her to help her get free. Eventually, the two had succeeded in getting the Derby away from the paladin.
With the hat securely back in its box, Meredith staggered over to a nearby rock and sat down. “That was awful,” she groaned.
“Could you understand it?” Varan asked.
“I understood its intent pretty well,” Meredith replied as she reached for a waterskin. Drinking thirstily, she lowered the container and said, “That’s one hell of a trap. Everything you can possibly need to know, but at the risk of driving away anyone who can help you.” She looked up at the mage. “So, we need to get hold of that Amulet.”
“Aka, it appears so,” Varan conceded, “so after we get some rest, we should start exploring.”
***
Meredith saved the game module at that point, and as the simulacra faded away she sat back, thinking.
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Horse
Size 93 x 120px
File Size 50.8 kB
Listed in Folders
I can count on one finger the number of smart politicians I've heard on the news, and he wasn't even a politician when he started running in the presidential race of 2016 that he won. And of course he wore the Amulet of Asininity until 2012 so that people would like him despite his callousness - there's a reason it's now in three pieces.
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