Perishing Angrily: Interview With a Former Cartoon Performer
by Yeardley Johnston
originally published September 20th, 2020 in KarTewn Magazine's 13th issue

The little dog was a textbook example toon in both appearance and in personality, an unusual disposition to find among the older, more sullen modern toon population. I think that was what endeared me to one Mr. Die Mad, a middle aged cartoon dog born under a different, not yet publicly disclosed name and introduced to the TV-watching crowds in family friendly media under the stage names "Anklebiter" or "The Doggy".

Mad was an atypical character, both brusque and personable. He looked like a stuffed animal and he smelled like tobacco smoke, two observations I repeatedly made while pressed against his bony side under the umbrella we shared. Even when the first words he spoke to me in person were about male genitalia (words I'd rather not elaborate on here), I felt a diluted but pleasant warmth from him.

Despite his rough edges and similarly weathered pawpads, the depth of emotion bubbling just underneath his odorous outer shell allowed itself out in small bursts, the first of which I noticed when he gently guided me hand-in-hand - or was it hand-in-paw? - into the Uber headed for his apartment, a well-chewed cigar dangling from his benignly snarling jowls.

Many of the toons I've had the privilege of speaking with live in modest quarters, but they almost always add cartoony flair to their homes. Brightly colored wallpaper, overstuffed furniture, and memorabilia from their days in the limelight are all common, if not inevitable, fixtures in toon homes. This was not so in Mad's house, which was more then a little gloomy and less then a little clean.

No posters of his smiling face or advertisements starring the world's cutest forever-puppy - really a then 27-year-old college dropout with proportional dwarfism, a history of petty crimes, and a barely functional case of alcoholism - dotted the walls of Mr. Mad's cramped, two-room home. The closest thing to these seemingly obligatory shrines to cartoon egos were a smattering of framed photos, some in black-and-white and some in color, of the miniscule mongrel contentedly sitting beside larger, more famous animated characters, and he was hardly the focus of any of these memories made image.

After an exchange of pleasantries (from me, of course; Mad doesn't "believe in that dumb shit") and a politely declined offer of an Irish coffee, we began discussing more well-known aspects of Mad's history. Unexpectedly, despite speaking about his childhood in a puppy mill, rise to local popularity, the resulting familial exploitation of his success, and his subsequent introduction to the complicated and seedy world of television animation, neither the dog's cloying compassion nor crude sense of humor ever waned. Occasionally he seemed reluctant to maintain his serious face, but even at his most severe he acquiesced. I witnessed this first hand when he softly offered both a non-alcoholic coffee and a tissue to me as we were sharing our experiences with grief.

There are details of Mr. Mad's life that I have agreed not to disclose here, but do not feel as if you're missing out by not hearing them. It is likely that, if you've followed Mad's career or have taken notice of his modern candor, you already know the less savory details of his personal affairs. What you are less likely to know are his personal feelings on his former career in animation, and I can guarantee you that his previous unbroken silence regarding the subject was intentional on his behalf. I consider myself lucky to have had the chance to speak with the handdrawn man, and I am pleased to share the results of this interview with all of you readers.

The following transcription of our discussion regarding the cartoon industry is wholly unaltered, save for some minor annotations I've included so as to provide context to potentially confusing details.

A) What was your experience in the cartoon industry?
Q) Limited. I never hit the mainstream, you know. And for that I'm thankful. [chuckles] I was mostly doing cutesy-wootsie shit for the kinds of places that peddle cutesy-wootsie things. You'd see my face on diaper advertisements and ABC posters in Kindergarten classrooms. Looking back on it, I'm almost embarrassed. Almost. I made a lotta money in those days, too much to truly regret any of it. (He gestures towards his left wrist, upon which he is wearing a Rolex brand watch. It's in practically new condition, but neither of the hands are moving.)
That said, I did snag bit parts in better stuff here and there. I never pursued starring roles because I never wanted them; I was happy where I was. But you might be able to catch me in some Warner Brothers shit from back when they were getting real good. I'm in a lot of their shorts about dogs, but if you blink you'll miss me. That's always been the way I like it.

A) Have you ever met any noteworthy toons?
Q) [laughs] You mean famous people? Of course. It's a small industry. I brushed past the mouse at a party once. Only sober toon in the house. What a stick-in-the-mud, that guy. I get the whole public image thing, but any toon who acts squeaky clean in impolite company is lying to himself and everyone else. That's why I preferred hanging out with the Warner gang. Those guys knew how to have fun.
When I was younger, I tried to chase after this one fella who's been doing freelance detective shit since he was young. Course with my luck he wasn't into guys. Serves me right for getting high with a tall, sensitive type. I just had to be born a hopeless romantic. [laughs, coughs] Yeah. Great guy. I heard he settled down, had kids with some blonde. Now his son fills in for him in the direct-to-video franchise they've got going.
Mostly I knew folks with small parts and high flying freak flags, like myself. Hyena, Grizzly, Rabbit, Magoo, Popeye. Oh, and Boop. Hyena, Grizzly, and Boop were my favorites, my gang. We four were all real close. Now I ain't got a clue as to what Boop's doing. I hope life's been treating her well. But also fuck her for introducing me to Kitty White. [laughs] Jesus Christ, you want to talk some fucked up toons. The ones that are cute as a button are always as crazy as a loon. [chuckles] I think Rabbit's husband told me that one.

A) What was your favorite thing about working in the industry?
Q) These were the, and I mean the, most creative people I've ever met. Actual fucking creative geniuses at work, and that was every day. Guys who could turn themselves into ink, then watercolor, then ink again. The way the girls would cooperate with the models to do the whole rotoscoping thing. I never really understood how that process worked, but holy shit did it ever work.
Animators are fucking crazy to support these people and their talents, and I mean that in a good way. Get an animator and a toon together and that's when real magic happens, like Disney fairy-tale magic shit. The closest thing we'll ever get to actual magic.
Really I just wished I'd gotten to know more puppets [modern terminology; stop-motion animated toons]. I was allowed on set of James and the Giant Peach and, swear to God, I ain't seen anything as breathtaking since. No joke, I considered going clay over it. [laughs]

A) What did you dislike about working in the industry?
Q) We're asking the hard ones now, huh? Look, I really don't mean to be an asshole. You're a real nice lady. But, like, why do you think I don't work in it anymore? They called people like me "scorched cels". Fucking morons. Ask B about the flack he got for putting on makeup. Maybe I was just dumb, just a dumb, rebellious kid, but I insisted on going girl-mode off stage. I remember B saying, "Doc, you got to stop. I understand, I really do, but if it ain't a joke, they can't handle it." At the time I was so, so mad at him, but he really was just trying to keep me safe.
I ain't bringing up the scandal because I know you already know about it. Everybody does. And it was because of that gig and all that fallout that I never got to see [former partner] again. And then all these years later I hear about these rock women and such, toons who perform for children, getting to hold hands and kiss on TV. I'm glad that they get to have that, but it does fucking hurt knowing it wasn't like that for me. [chuckle] Fine though. There's worse things then being an old, single queen. Like being an old, smelly fart, which I also am. [laughs]

A) What do you spend your time doing these days?
Q) I just like being myself, which of course gets me into all kinds of trouble. [laughs, coughs] I like swimming. I like drinking. Don't like getting high as much as I did when I was a young pup, but it's still good, especially since it helps with my joints. I'm as close to retired as I'm gonna get, which is to say I do lots of odd jobs. Managed to lose my job as an electrician's assistant when Covid first rolled around, so that knocked me on my ass for a bit.
But what I like the best is frittering away time with my buddies. I'm annoying, so I ring them up at all hours of the day and night, and we usually end up either having a good talk or hanging out someplace. I don't believe in meeting people I respect over breakfast, so bars and clubs are where we usually go. Undiscovered holes in the wall are the best. Hyena points out the best ones and we go there. She's why I love strange types.
Oh wait, I actually like something better then all that. Men. [laughs]

A) What do you think of the current state of the cartoon industry?
Q) Oh, I try not to think about it. [chuckles] It's very sobering in a way. Toons these days sure look different then they did back in my day. Christ, I promise I'm not that old, I don't usually say "back in my day". Yeah, I don't know much about the industry itself anymore. Ain't worked in it for years, and anyone I met during my time in it doesn't burden me with the details.
Like if I'm meeting up with Bluto or Felix for some drinks, we're not talking about that kind of shit. It's sort of an agreement we have. Soon as they start talking storyboards and dope sheets, I bring up my time as a preschool classroom para. I especially like bringing up the stomach flu incident.
All I hope is that the kids in animation make it out alright. Some of these people, they get so many redesigns going on that you can't recognize them anymore. Which would be fine - I've had work done myself - if they acted like themselves, like the way they were before. Yeah. My condolences to, who was it, the Powerpuff triplets? Rough shit. Heard they were nice girls, too.

A) Do people recognize you from your time in cartoons?
Q) Not really, thank God. I'm happy to leave that part of my life behind. Granted, some of these dickheads are still linephobes, but that's something all paper toons got to deal with. They seem to get real pissy when you don't act "kid friendly", which, like, then don't use videos of me to babysit your 4 year-old, you cocksucker. [laughs]
No, only other toons have recognize me these days. Some of them are nearly as bad as the humans, and that's why I stopped going to support groups. Lots of judgement among toons, lots of baggage I guess. Still, sometimes being recognized leads to cool shit. This one kid, I think he was [animated in] Flash, he was like an expert on toon history. He knew who I was, told me my own life story better then I ever could, and bought me a bagel in exchange for a few minutes of my time. Bless his soul. Little bastard got me all misty eyed.

A) Have you ever lived in/visited ToonTown?
Q) Lived in, never. Visited, certainly. No offense, but no shit I've visited. Half the people I'm close to still live there, fucked up as it's gotten. Then again, most of us leaned more R-rated, so the gang's always been good at coping with hard knocks. I'd love to see how fucking Garfield or Clifford would deal with the "adult" side of ToonTown. God, that'd be hilarious.

A) What's your opinion of the trend of toons "going 3D"?
Q) I've gone 3D before. It was fun, just kind of uncomfortable. I don't know why so many 2D and human kids these days shit-talk 3Ds. Like, for one thing, a lotta these CG kids were born that way. Leave them alone. And for another thing, have you seen what they do with that computer stuff these days? I've met toon guys who you could count the pores of. That kinda shit blows me away, didn't exist when I was in the business. We've all gotten so, I don't know, tangible in recent years.
I like being 2D though. And I don't mean that like "oh no, we're a dying breed, we should all be pissed off at the CGs, blah-de-fucking-blah," and fuck the people who think that shit, by the way. I just think a lot of the outrage is people not wanting to accept how society changes, or how art changes.

A) Is there anything you'd like the public to know about cartoons?
Q) Yeah. Don't take any of the shit I say too seriously. Kind of antithetical to the toon thing, you know? And, well. (He gestures towards an urn resting on a nearby shelf.) Don't take anything, or anyone, for granted. Not even the silly shit. Not even the silly people.

As of this article's publishing date, Die Mad has taken to participating in the underground art scene of the primarily toon-populated Penstroke Grove, more widely known as home to one of the first - and one of the last few remaining - Ink and Paint Clubs. Here he acts as both an event organizer and as a live model for toon artists who create comics satirizing and critiquing the lifestyles of non-cartoon people and their, as the artists see it, stranglehold on the modern entertainment industry.