Just a portrait. That's really it. Nothing with a message or something, I really just struggled to figure out what would be good to draw. Still, more happy with how hands are being drawn, even if they should be a bit bigger than how I've done them here.

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It's interesting how one day could make a whole month just depressing to go through, and another day can make this month just good and easy to just barely make it through without much hassle. That was basically this month. One day really made everything harder, and another eased so much off.

Let's start with what has been happening throughout the month. Uni. Uni is back, and my attitude towards it has been very different than it has for last year. I am rather forced into doing a full semester rather than part-time, or with minimal subjects. I'm doing a whole four subjects (the standard), which has been a mix of somewhat alright, to somewhat an absolute pain. Digital Compositing being a huge one. My interest in VFX has definitely been completely driven into the ground by the ones who usually graduate from those classes coming across as uncaring, unsympathetic and boastful. One of the friends I had in my class has just dropped out completely out of Uni, due to him wanting to do a job, which is incredibly fair, why pay to stress yourself out when the reward for something like that is very minimal for whatever you apply in? Even then, I haven't been in Uni for long periods. Throughout the whole month, I've been having several medical appointments, from GPs, psychologists, to get X-rays, MRIs and Ultrasounds. Thankfully, due to my local physio, I finally know what the actual problem is with my shoulder.

It is dislocated.

With two muscle tears.

After several days of going for X-rays and Ultrasounds, waiting days for results, seeing the results and then sending them to my GP, one recent MRI has finally shown what the issue with my shoulder is, and it definitely helps to know what the actual problem with it is. However, I have no clue what happens next. I haven't heard anything back from my GP about it, so I don't know if this requires surgery, or a chiropractor, or just holding it into place with something. It's definitely going to make April interesting to figure out what I need to do next.

I had met up with a friend early in March, and we just had a great time going up and down in the city, making jokes and showing each other things we liked. I got to discover his trailer for a video game that his team have been working on, which looks rather incredible. And I got to mention the book that I am still working on getting permission for. It was incredibly fun just joking around with him, and just talking about how things were. He mentioned his birthday, in which he told me that someone that I knew and had left on not a good note with was going to be there, and I said that it was best if we met up on a different point after his birthday as I feel like that would be far easier to handle than two friends of his bickering at each other. He understood that, so we still had fun planning on what we could do when we see each other next. Plus, I've been secretly working with his mother for his birthday present.

The day after, I went to a very small anime convention. This was a mistake. I was quickly reminded of why I don't watch anime much anymore. The fans that were there were very loud, and since it was in a very public space, seeing the faces of older people, confused by the noise, squealing and such didn't help things. However, I did get to see an artist and commission him, resulting in a beautiful illustration of Enedia. Hopefully, I'll be able to show you all the image.

I'm incredibly grateful that throughout the week, I've been able to see my family at least for one day per week. It hasn't been exactly easy for them, as they have to wake up at 5am to get to the city, but it's just nice knowing that I don't have to wait weeks, or even months, to see them, due to my brother being able to apply for a not-for-profit organisation that uses filmmaking to help people living with disabilities. My brother has been enjoying it, despite some personal hiccups along the way.

But of course, it isn't life in the city until I am brought along to one party with the VFX friends I have. Last month, I made a list, written on the back of my grades for the previous three years, of people who I either wanted to forget or wanted to be blunt and honest with, and burnt it. Most of the people who I met at Uni who were on that list were here. I didn't want to go to the party. I seriously didn't. And despite me being happy putting my foot down on that party and simply not going, one of them called me in the morning, before Uni started, to talk to me about that party. That definitely made things far harder than they should be, as he never did that prior to any other party. I would have been happy if throughout the year, I could have just not seen them. And I can understand people saying "But they clearly like you enough to invite you to his birthday party", but that has been the only invitation to any of their parties I've received since then. Not invited to the ice skating, or to the Kris Kringle party, or to the D&D session. Only his birthday.

The whole night was so repetitive (so hopefully this recollection isn't repetitive either). I knocked on the door, and the guy's father answered. Basically, I have no issues with the parents. Regardless of what they have possibly taught him, they are at least kind enough to ask me how I was going. Something that none of the friends did for about half an hour or longer. I gave him the gift, since it was his birthday party, and he liked it. Honestly, I wasn't expecting it. I honestly wanted him to hate it. Why? It was a candle in the shape of a middle finger. Symbolism. When I went down to the party, no one said "Hi". Not one. Even if they were talking, no one bothered to look up.

I already heard the voice of one of the friend's boyfriend. I hate him. Simply put, I hate him a lot. He works in the army and he's very keen on making that known, and he has this clear vibe whenever he is with his girlfriend that he wants to show off his love to everyone, maybe very, very, very, very much in a way to show off that he's her boyfriend. The amount of times where he has been really clingy to her whenever he wants to is really awkward for me. The first time I met him, he was talking to his friends about cars and such, and his girlfriend was just there, being honestly ignored. And once I tried interacting with her, the next few moments when we were in someone's house, he goes on kissing her and hugging her. While I was sitting right next to them.

I went down and sat with them, and the smell was awful. It reminded me so much of my auntie's place, because someone brought some bad incense with them and lit it everywhere. While I was looking on my phone, I overheard them talking about how, with their job, if they want to work on a television show or a movie they are interested in, they can just call up and get it. Imagine for a second, someone wanting to work on Doctor Who, or Star Trek, or whatever show inspired them, and working on every aspect from scripts, design, animation, anything and then to hear that their friend can just go "Hey, can I do this?" and get the job.

Fuck VFX artists and their cliquey vibes.

After that, they finally said "Hi".

Immediately, the host goes "Hey, I've got this job working for a VFX company" in the same vain as the last friend who said the same thing. No wondering how I was going, or wondering "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't say this in front of someone who hasn't got a job and is still in Uni" I mentioned to the friends that I was still at Uni, and it has been going okay, and after I mentioned the last two years, they go "Oh, you'll get there to where we are". This is where the ashes of the fallen names and grades finally did something. I simply go "That's not how it works. We have had different lives. We aren't in the same path"

Throughout the night, I looked at that photo of the ashes. It brought me some calm.

They didn't respond.

I looked back at my phone.

I moved around a lot, seeing the place. There was a water mist sprayer right where I was sitting, so on occasion, water would spray my phone and myself. Having the water sprayer there probably isn't good due to the mozzies and the viral infection that they have here. Their dog was more welcoming, occasionally moving to me when I was sitting down. Not as often as before, but it was still more welcome. From there, they started to get drunk, and play a game of King's Cup, which is a game where they pour all their drinks, no matter what it is, into a jug and whoever loses chugs it. From there, the repetition got more obvious. It felt like 2021 again. Everything to what they were saying to what they were doing was like rewinding the tape to replay it again.

They got drunk. Obviously. But some that I haven't seen get drunk, got real drunk.

The host's girlfriend, immediately was the drunkest there. During King's Cup, in the truth or dare section, she asks real personal questions, like "How much have you and your partner have sex on a weekly basis?" The person who dates the army bloke answered the question honestly. I just want to say that before she dated the army bloke, I did have a crush on her, and asked her out. Over the years, I thought that if I did have her as a girlfriend, it wouldn't have worked out. Since dating the army bloke, she definitely has changed, and I realized that I didn't fall in love with her, I fell in love with the idea of her. She answered the question. Her literal answer was everyday.

Despite making jokes throughout the night to make them seem like I was trying to enjoy myself, they made it so hard to actually laugh at what they were saying. All it was were quotes. Nothing original. All quotes. When the election (literally on the same day) finished and the votes where counted and Labor won, they said quotes. When playing King's Cup, it was all quotes. Quotes and sex jokes. Nothing new. When they saw a photo on my phone, one that I shown them beforehand at a different party, they talked about a different party where the others were. I simply said "Cool. Wasn't invited". They made the excuse of "Oh, it was a small area, small kitchen, couldn't fit anyone in". If it was the same place that I have gone to before, I would have fit in. It wouldn't be a small place.

When I found out that they had a D&D campaign, something that I have longed to not only do, but to do it with them, and I wasn't invited despite wanting to do it with them for two years, I was deeply annoyed. When I mentioned it, they immediately went with the excuse of "Oh, I didn't set it up, someone else did". That doesn't mean "Oh, that doesn't mean we can invite you"

And then they just moved on, acting like I didn't call out how they haven't been exactly kind enough to invite. The night continued with them still being drunk. The army bloke still trying to act affectionate when he wants to be, and not doing much to engage his girlfriend in anything. He was spending most of his time on the Nintendo Switch.

I was waiting for other people to arrive, but it got to 10:00pm and I just couldn't wait anymore. I stood up and called a taxi. When someone else did arrive, I simply said "I'll be leaving soon anyway". I went up and thanked his parents and asked them how they were going. And by that point, I just couldn't take it. I simply said that I honestly didn't want to be here. That I haven't been enjoying the party. That I haven't been enjoying their company for so long. And not just their son, but his friends to. I mentioned King's Cup, and his parents were not happy. I simply said that I haven't been wanting to be with them for a while. And from there, thanked them and left. When waiting, someone who I actually wanted to see finally arrived when the taxi got there. I told them that they were all drunk. Got in the taxi, went to the city, got food and got on the bus.

I got a message I got a full hour after I had left. This is what it said: Heyo! You went home without saying bye, hope you’re ok, *the host's* parents said you weren’t feeling great, a bit left out, I’m sorry we made you feel that way.

Keep in mind, this wasn't the host apologising. It's the "a bit left out" that bothers me the most, as well as "I'm sorry we made you feel that way". They did very little to engage with me. They created the atmosphere. It isn't how I perceive things, it's what is being created by them. It is just horrid to respond in such a way where even though they are "apologising", they are still blaming you.

I had an exit plan in place. Two, if you count the "Don't Go" option. That night completely drained me for weeks. I wasn't happy to be there. I talked to several people about that night, and some said that it was disingenuous and scummy. Some who knew these people had given me a different response, which for me is always wanted and appreciated, but said that their boastfulness wasn't good. It lived rent free in my mind for ages until some weeks passed.

Thankfully, I had a better day with another friend from High School. I didn't expect that day to be as good as it was, but I was certainly looking forward to see anyone who wasn't a VFX artist. We met up at a nice place outside the city, full of greenery, we had lunch at a nice place, talked about how we were, how the others in our high school group were, and a bunch of other things like Gran Turismo, the recent election, which teachers we had (and suffered through), all things that were just fun to go through, and we went out for a frozen yogurt place that I had never been to before. My opinion on frozen yogurt though has been undecided. It was just something nice and short, no drinking, no talking about sex, just simple fun. Simply talking to each other about things, about how he is going and how he wants to live in the city at some stage.

It's funny how short the good things that happened in this month is, and yet I can list off everything bad as if I was reliving the moment again. Perhaps it is just stress keeping the bad in and the good out, as assignments are piling up.

April is going to be a tough one to go through. More assignments, more classes in the holidays, more medical appointments, and of course, the deepening worry about how much COVID will spread in both the city and my home town, especially with how schools have been huge areas for clusters. Fun, isn't it.

Songs that I have discovered or rediscovered this month:

Due to the death of Taylor Hawkins, the majority of music that I have rediscovered is Foo Fighters' tracks that I haven't listened to in almost a decade. Rest in peace, Taylor. You were an inspiration.