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A moose and a rabbit hunt a suspiciously quick animal in their favourite MMO.
A birthday gift for my favourite rabbit, Snek.
A swift object flew out of the brush, zipping across the forest floor and weaving between foliage, bushes, and timber. The speed ensured that it evaded the two hunters who followed behind, staying well ahead of them.
This was nimble prey but also lucrative, ensuring that the two followed after it without delay, no matter how hopeless this hunt felt.
One of the hunters was a tall brute, a figure who was more than six feet tall and clad in an armour of chainmail and leather. They lumbered through the forest with a mighty shield and axe in hand. They were a moose, a powerful beast with two petite little antlers upon their head and a lack of hair.
The other figure was nimbler, taking the lead as they drove ahead. They were a wizard of sorts, wearing silken robes and holding onto a spell book tightly. This figure was a bunny rabbit who was easily two feet shorter than their companion. Their hair was also luscious and flamboyant, being a long and vibrant pink.
This wizard murmured a few choice words in a language that was long dead and a glow wafted throughout the terrain. It was a spell that highlighted the nimble little footprints that zoomed on ahead. They belonged to their targeted creature and showed that their latest attack had failed to even nick it as there was no blood present.
“I have a feeling that we’re being played here,” the moose said.
The rabbit snorted. “I know what you mean, Kim.”
Kimberly of Clan Moose nodded. “Are you sure that our client is legitimate, CJ?”
“I mean as reliable as any hunter who won’t do their own job can be,” CJ replied with a wave of their hand. “This creature is supposedly rare and apparently its pelts can fetch plenty of gil in the cities of this region.”
“Well, I do like gil,” Kimberly stated, ginning nice and wide at the promised fortune. “I also wouldn’t mind upgrading my armour to plate.”
They ventured ahead, following the prints that had been left upon the earth.
“Maybe we should change tactics,” CJ offered.
Kimberly shrugged. “I don’t really see what we could possibly be doing any differently. At least, not without a bow and arrow and a whole lot of experience with walking lightly. But neither of us have specialized in the art of being a ranger.”
Walking lightly was very much not a skill that Kimberly possessed as their heavy armour jangled as they ventured ahead. It was the curse of being a tank as they were always being the loudest critter in the room.
“No, our plan is solid. We should continue to try and lead the beast towards one of your traps,” Kimberly reiterated. “We just need to get lucky and hope it eventually stumbles into one of them.”
“But that clearly isn’t working,” CJ replied, scrunching their face and playfully glaring at them.
Kimberly shrugged. “It’s not like I can suddenly re-spec and learn how to be a hunter, now can I? I have a huge honking axe and it’s not my fault that our target refuses to fight us in a manner where I can effectively use it.”
They even held up said axe and shook it in the air, showing off just how honkingly huge it really was. This was the perfect tool for slicing through orcs and goblins but nothing more delicate than that.
“This quest can suck my dick,” CJ grumbled.
Kimberly snorted and winked at them. “I could do that for you if you’d like.”
CJ rolled their eyes.
Together the two of them ventured forth, continuing through the forest until they came upon a little clearing. There was a stream that ran through it and a small collection of various flowers and fruit-bearing bushes.
Kimberly stumbled over to the stream and sipped from it. At the same time, CJ looked around the clearing, humming and hawing to themselves.
“I don’t like the look of this,” CJ said.
Kimberly perked up. “Kind of does have the vibe of being too good to be true, doesn’t it?”
“A nice peaceful resting spot with various berry bushes and a conveniently placed refreshing stream,” CJ stated, clicking their tongue against the roof of their mouth. “I’m calling it now but this is the resting spot before a huge boss encounter.”
“Kind of a dick move to make us wait this long,” Kimberly grumbled. “Not like we had any big fights beforehand that we even need to recover from.”
They plopped down under a tree and leaned back against it. Their hand then went into their satchel and started pulling out various bottles of red and blue fluid. In total, they had five red ones and two blue ones.
“Think this will be enough potions to get us through it?” Kimberly asked.
CJ hummed and looked into their own satchel. “I mean I think I have a couple extra if you’d like some.”
They held out two red bottles and tossed them over to Kimberly who caught them in one of their beefy hands.
“This whole quest just didn’t have boss fight vibes, you know?” Kimberly asked.
CJ nodded. “Honestly, I thought this was just going to be some silly little fetch quest in the woods.” They chuckled. “You know, catch five rabbits and bring them back to me and I’ll give you some money and experience points.”
“The money was a little too good for something like that,” Kimberly commented before letting out a thin laugh. “I think we’re being memed on.”
CJ shrugged. “I thought they would just adjust the payouts since we’re in a higher-level area on this continent.” They wagged their finger at Kimberly. “I’ll have you know that these high potions aren’t exactly the cheapest thing in the world to craft.”
“Maybe if you stopped trying to buy an apartment you’d have more potion money,” Kimberly quipped, squinting at them.
CJ rolled their eyes and looked over at one of the berry bushes, walking over to it. They knelt beside it and plucked one of the berries off, popping it into their mouth.
“At least the creators were nice enough to lead us to somewhere that has food,” they said.
Kimberly nodded. “I still remember running out of rations in that fucking crypt back in Toriel. I think after the thirtieth floor I was just about hungry enough to try eating undead flesh.”
They looked down at their axe and drew forth a grinding stone, using it to sharpen their blade even more. It was a mighty weapon, more than adequate for smiting any regular mobs. But against a proper boss, they would need every edge they could get.
“Well at least we’re in for something exciting today,” CJ quipped.
Kimberly nodded. “I was getting a little tired of all the fetch quests we had to do in that town. About time that they sent us into a proper fight.”
They inspected their blade, pleased with the way the sunlight practically sparkled off it. With care, they hefted it into the air and caught it again, pleased with how it felt.
“What do you think it’s going to be like?” CJ asked.
Kimberly shrugged. “I mean I haven’t really gotten a good look at what we’ve even been hunting. Seems a little small for a boss though, don’t you think?”
“Maybe that’s one of the boss’ babies?” CJ replied, shrugging as they motioned towards Kimberly. “Though that would be pretty fucking grizzly thing to do. You know, murdering its mother in front of them.”
“How about a really fast boss with a high dodge chance but a pretty modest hit point pool?” Kimberly suggested. “Never really fought something like that before but it’s a possibility.”
They reached into their satchel and pulled out a pipe, placing the stem between their lips. They lit the contents of the bowl and started to inhale. It didn’t offer any status effects but the substance inside was calming, settling, bringing a clairvoyance to their mind.
“Can I have a puff?” CJ asked.
Kimberly offered the pipe and CJ took it. It was kind of funny to see a moose-sized item in the hands of a creature this small but they still manage to take a pull from it just the same, letting it out in a billow of ashen smoke.
“You know, I think this is the first boss fight that we’ve done together,” CJ commented, offering the pipe back to Kim.
Kimberly nodded and took it. “You know what, I think you’re right.”
“Think we should put together some kind of strategy?” CJ asked as they glanced towards the trail of prints that went deeper into the forest.
Kimberly flashed a smile and lifted up their shield and axe. “I agro the boss’ damage and you ensure that I stay upright long enough to continue taking blows and dishing it out. Maybe cast a spell or two to do some damage of your own if you’re able to.”
“Sounds simple enough,” CJ quipped, shrugging. “Just hope it doesn’t have any tricks up its sleeves.”
“I mean…” Kimberly sighed. “It probably does? This boss has been using nothing but tricks to lure us into this fight.”
CJ stood up and started to pace, venturing back and forth through the little forest clearing. They seemed deep in thought as they murmured silent little strategies to themselves. Though in the end, they nodded resolutely.
“We use fireball,” they declared.
Kimberly cocked a brow. “You know fireball?”
“Do I know fireball?” CJ scoffed, chuckling to themselves. “Babe, I know like five different kinds of fireball spells. I can create a fireball so big that it’ll turn a whole acre of forest into a tinderbox.”
“Well maybe we should go for something a little smaller than that,” Kimberly replied, taking another puff of their calming herb. “Maybe something that could turn a single tree into kindling. I’d prefer not to start a forest fire if it were at all possible.”
“Igniting a single tree would be fireball level two then,” CJ said.
They snapped their fingers together and a modest orb of orange and red flames formed from their fingertips. With a flick of their wrist, they sent it flying towards one of the nearby trees. It impacted, a moment later, and turned the piece of nature into a massive pyre.
“Neat,” Kimberly murmured, watching the flames in awe.
“Useful for turning anything smaller than a wolf into ash,” CJ stated.
Kimberly shook their head and pointed towards the blazing inferno. “That doesn’t kill a wolf?”
“Fire acts funny when you try to use it in a combat situation,” CJ explained, rolling their wrist through the air. “Sure, it can turn a tree into ash but when a wolf wants to mess with you then it’ll only scare the thing off.”
“God, our reality is freaking weird,” Kimberly whispered, letting out a heavy sigh as they stood up. “Anyways, we know this thing has fur for certain. So, what if we just hit it with a really sticky fire spell that will burn it for a longer duration?”
“Could work though we’d probably lose out on the hide and thus all the money that we were promised,” CJ quipped.
Kimberly snorted. “Oh please, do you honestly think that this hunter won’t pay us for taking care of a boss? Just leave the skeleton intact and I’m sure we’ll be rolling gil by the end of the day.”
“Is that a risk you really want to take?” CJ asked.
Kimberly grunted as they lumbered over to the still highlighted animal prints that ventured deeper into the forest. This seemed to be their only response as they motioned for CJ to follow.
After all, this was a plan even if an imperfect one.
“Take it as a workshop idea,” they said, pointing towards CJ with their axe. “If you can come up with something better before we get to the boss then we’ll try out your idea. But face it, any combat that is going to involve a spell is probably going to destroy that animal’s fur.” They scoffed. “Hell, I’m likely to destroy the pelt with this axe regardless of how careful we are with magic.”
“I could try thunderbolt,” CJ suggested.
They bounded up ahead, taking the lead.
Kimberly shrugged as they hefted their mighty weapon over their shoulder. “Wouldn’t that just end up igniting the boss’ fur anyways? Lighting is just a fire spell that takes a couple extra steps to turn the thing into charcoal.”
“How about an ice spell?” CJ asked.
Kimberly hummed and tilted their head to the side. “I mean, it would probably slow the boss down. Still, if it’s trapped in ice how are we going to skin it?”
“Very carefully?” CJ tried. They then snapped their fingers together. “I think I have an insane idea.”
“I’m all in favour of insane ideas,” Kimberly replied, allowing themselves a thin smile.
CJ nodded and marched forward with dedication. “We kill the boss with fireball or thunderbolt or something like that, okay?”
“Okay?” Kimberly replied, nodding for them to continue.
“Then… then…” CJ snapped their fingers together and pointed at Kimberly. “Then we use a revive or phoenix down on it. Those things only bring back like two hundred hit points of their lifeforce, right?”
Kimberly smirked. “Then I just whack it over the head with my axe and we have a perfectly intact pelt ready for harvesting?”
“Exactly!” CJ beamed.
“You know, that might actually work,” Kimberly said, rubbing at their chin.
The two of them came to a stop at a series of bushes as Kimberly peered out from over top of them.
They realized that CJ couldn’t see what they saw so they held out a hand, ensuring that they came to a stop as well. As they looked down at their partner, they saw that their gaze had grown confused and they were looking up at them for instruction.
“I see it,” Kimberly whispered, turning their attention back to the clearing.
CJ nodded. “What does it look like?”
Kimberly squinted and saw something that looked distinctly like a cat and not even an especially violent one. It was a bit bigger than your average run-of-the-mill house cat but didn’t look any more lethal than that.
“It looks like a housecat,” they said.
CJ snorted. “A housecat?”
“Here just…” Kimberly got onto their knees and patted their shoulders. “Let me show you.”
CJ glared at them. “This is degrading.”
“Look…” Kimberly sighed and pointed towards the bush that obstructed their view. “Do you want to see this thing or what?”
CJ rolled their eyes and clambered onto their shoulders, gripping their antlers for support. Then Kimberly carefully rose, bringing both of their eyes above the shrubbery.
“Gods you’re so freaking tall,” CJ murmured as they studied the situation as well. “Yep, that definitely looks like a housecat.”
“I don’t like this,” Kimberly grumbled. “This has trap written all over it. Feels like we’re going to walk into that clearing and get immediately mauled to death.”
CJ snorted. “By a housecat?”
“What if it’s like a mimic or something and it’s just luring us into this fight by looking all sweet and innocent?” Kimberly stated, waving wildly at it. “Like you saw the way that thing moved, it was like a bolt from a crossbow enchanted with a swiftness cantrip.”
“Cats are pretty fast,” CJ stated. “Anyways, can you let me down?”
Kimberly nodded and got back onto their knees. CJ then clambered off, landing upon the ground with a thud.
“I’m just saying that this has mimic vibes, babe,” Kimberly warned.
“Okay but…” CJ shook their head. “This isn’t Dark Souls or something. This game doesn’t really trick you with mimics.”
Kimberly shrugged. “Just feels a little too good to be true, you know?”
They reached for their holster and pulled out their powerful axe, feeling the weight of it in their hand. It would get the job done nicely just as long as there were no illusions at play.
CJ sighed. “I know what you mean.” They couldn’t help but let out a cruel note of laughter. “You know, this might just be the most infuriating gil I’ve ever had the displeasure of trying to earn.”
They cast a quick cantrip from their fingers, engulfing both themselves and Kimberly in a purifying glow. The spell had a calming and rejuvenating effect, taking away the edge and refreshing their vigour. It was like a more potent version of the herb they had been smoking.
“Well…” Kimberly worked their jaw. “No point delaying the inevitable, right?”
CJ nodded. “Right.”
The two of them braced themselves and Kimberly crossed a quick holy pattern over their chest. It didn’t have a pronounced effect but the protection of the gods was supposedly imbued upon them with this simple motion.
And honestly, they could use every advantage they could get going up against this boss.
Kimberly drew in another breath and then cried out without warning, rushing forwards. They broke through the brush like a barbarian, sending branches and leaves flying in every direction. Grass and loam crunched under their hooves as they thudded across the terrain, charging forwards like a bull about to eviscerate a poor unsuspecting china shop.
The cat didn’t even look startled and merely observed them with a tame boredom, licking at one of its legs and cleaning itself.
CJ was only a mere step behind, breaching through the gap their partner had left in the brush. They leapt forwards and cast a fireball, flinging it towards the beast. The ball arched through the air with such speed and it would surely…
The cat dove out of the way at the last second. No, it didn’t dive, it teleported. Within the blink of an eye, it had moved several metres to the left.
Kimberly snarled and swung their axe at it. Though no matter how fast they swung, the cat teleported out of the way with even more agility. Their blade met nothing but soil, sending earth and debris exploding outwards in an eruption of dirt.
“Where is….” they began.
They then felt a presence materialize behind them.
“Nani?” Kimberly whispered.
For a small cat, it turned out that it could hit quite hard, pounding into Kimberly’s back like a miniature cannonball. It launched them forwards and face first into the soil, knocking the wind and any semblance of rationality out of them.
Kimberly glanced over and saw CJ attempt to summon a shield to protect themselves. Though once more the cat teleported behind them and lashed out.
CJ then attempted to summon stop, flinging out the cantrip with desperation. This spell actually had some success as the cat came to an immediate halt midair. It was frozen and just about ready to lash out, its talons mere inches from their face.
“Holy shit,” they whispered. “That actually worked?”
Kimberly grunted and pulled themselves out of the mud, grabbing their axe. They lumbered over to the frozen cat and noticed that its petrified expression was curled back into a fearsome snarl.
“Watch out,” Kimberly warned.
They swung the axe back and then brought it down upon the cat’s body, severing it in two with a single powerful blow. The spell then dissipated and the two halves of the corpse thudded to the ground like a piece of wood cut right down the middle.
“What the fuck was…” CJ began.
Though the cat’s body started to shiver, the hair molting upon it. The flesh dissolved and turned into a puddle of some nebulous black substance. It had bad news written all over it as the goo started to spread across the forest floor, absorbing more organic matter into its growing shape.
Kimberly stumbled back and so did CJ. The two of them exchanged a look and then glanced back at the growing puddle of miasma.
“Did we just… trigger an endgame boss?” Kimberly whispered, shaking their head in disbelief.
CJ’s complexion had utterly paled.
“I think we did,” they said.
The puddle extended outward to a sizeable radius, taking up the yardage necessary for a medium sized home. Then it started to grow upwards, taking shape and substance. By the end a mighty beast stood before them. It was one part dragon, one part snake, and another part lion, looking a hundred times as intimidating as any of those species alone.
“We’re so fucked,” CJ murmured.
Kimberly could only nod. They were stunned into paralysis by the sheer size of this monster, by the absolute danger that it bore. A deep instinctual part of their mind had a feeling that if they could study this creature, they would find that it had a hit point reserve numbering in the millions.
Then the monster swung down and slammed a mighty paw into them.
And they were gone… vaporized in an instant.
“Fucking bullshit!” CJ roared.
Kimberly snorted. “I thought it was a pretty good meme.”
“It was a very good meme,” CJ grumbled, scrunching their adorable little bunny nose. “But I see that we’re all just taking pages from Dark Soul’s book now.”
They huffed and glared at their computer screen before glancing up at Kimberly who merely smiled back at them.
“That much gold for a simple fetch quest did seem a little too good to be true,” CJ admitted, letting out a heavy sigh.
Kimberly nodded. “Oh well, at least we’ll know about it next time around, right?”
They looked at their own computer and closed the game’s app before scrolling over to Steam. After a battle like that, they deserved a little comfort food, opening up Europa Universalis IV.
“Well now what do you want to do with the rest of our night?” CJ grumbled.
Kimberly noticed a notification on the bottom right of their screen that stated that CJ had just opened Elden Ring. Clearly, the boss encounter had left some sort of impact upon them.
They hummed. “Could order some takeout and watch anime on the couch?”
“Anime does sound nice,” CJ said, glancing up at them. “Any idea what you’d want to watch?”
“Whatever…” they began.
CJ smirked and pointed at them. “And you can’t deflect by just saying whatever I want to watch.”
“Sure, I can,” Kimberly retorted.
CJ shook their head, their smile growing. “No, you can’t and that’s an order.”
Kimberly scrunched their nose and playfully glared at them.
“How about…” They hummed. “How about Beastars?”
“Ehhhh… I don’t really know how interested I’d be in watching a show full of humans,” CJ said. They then hummed and taped a finger against their chin. “Didn’t you say that you wanted to get into Jojo?”
Kimberly smirked. “Sure.”
“So, how about some Chinese food and watching Jojo then?” CJ offered. “I think that’d make for a pretty chill night.”
“Just make sure to include a couple vegetarian things in our order,” Kimberly teased, motioning to themselves. “I might not look like an herbivore but I very much am one.”
“Babe…” CJ snorted and motioned to themselves as well. “Bunny rabbit, remember?”
Kimberly snickered. “Oh right.”
“Anyways is there anything that you wanted to get specifically?” CJ asked.
“Whatever…” Kimberly started though promptly paused as they saw the sharp look that CJ was giving them. “How about garlic broccoli, kimchi buns, and vegetable dumplings?”
CJ smirked. “Sounds good to me though I’ll also probably get a couple things myself.”
Kimberly nodded and got up from their station, making their way towards the door. “Sounds good to me.”
“Where are you going?” CJ asked.
Kimberly smirked. “To get my credit card.” They winked at them. “My treat tonight.”
CJ flushed. “Aww babe, you don’t need to…”
“I insist,” Kimberly replied. “Not making you buy your own dinner on your birthday.”
They paused before slipping out, giving them a look.
“By the way… happy birthday, babe,” they said.
CJ smiled at them. “Thanks.”
“Love you lots,” Kimberly added.
CJ grinned. “Love you too.”
And with that Kimberly slipped out of the room.
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A birthday gift for my favourite rabbit, Snek.
A swift object flew out of the brush, zipping across the forest floor and weaving between foliage, bushes, and timber. The speed ensured that it evaded the two hunters who followed behind, staying well ahead of them.
This was nimble prey but also lucrative, ensuring that the two followed after it without delay, no matter how hopeless this hunt felt.
One of the hunters was a tall brute, a figure who was more than six feet tall and clad in an armour of chainmail and leather. They lumbered through the forest with a mighty shield and axe in hand. They were a moose, a powerful beast with two petite little antlers upon their head and a lack of hair.
The other figure was nimbler, taking the lead as they drove ahead. They were a wizard of sorts, wearing silken robes and holding onto a spell book tightly. This figure was a bunny rabbit who was easily two feet shorter than their companion. Their hair was also luscious and flamboyant, being a long and vibrant pink.
This wizard murmured a few choice words in a language that was long dead and a glow wafted throughout the terrain. It was a spell that highlighted the nimble little footprints that zoomed on ahead. They belonged to their targeted creature and showed that their latest attack had failed to even nick it as there was no blood present.
“I have a feeling that we’re being played here,” the moose said.
The rabbit snorted. “I know what you mean, Kim.”
Kimberly of Clan Moose nodded. “Are you sure that our client is legitimate, CJ?”
“I mean as reliable as any hunter who won’t do their own job can be,” CJ replied with a wave of their hand. “This creature is supposedly rare and apparently its pelts can fetch plenty of gil in the cities of this region.”
“Well, I do like gil,” Kimberly stated, ginning nice and wide at the promised fortune. “I also wouldn’t mind upgrading my armour to plate.”
They ventured ahead, following the prints that had been left upon the earth.
“Maybe we should change tactics,” CJ offered.
Kimberly shrugged. “I don’t really see what we could possibly be doing any differently. At least, not without a bow and arrow and a whole lot of experience with walking lightly. But neither of us have specialized in the art of being a ranger.”
Walking lightly was very much not a skill that Kimberly possessed as their heavy armour jangled as they ventured ahead. It was the curse of being a tank as they were always being the loudest critter in the room.
“No, our plan is solid. We should continue to try and lead the beast towards one of your traps,” Kimberly reiterated. “We just need to get lucky and hope it eventually stumbles into one of them.”
“But that clearly isn’t working,” CJ replied, scrunching their face and playfully glaring at them.
Kimberly shrugged. “It’s not like I can suddenly re-spec and learn how to be a hunter, now can I? I have a huge honking axe and it’s not my fault that our target refuses to fight us in a manner where I can effectively use it.”
They even held up said axe and shook it in the air, showing off just how honkingly huge it really was. This was the perfect tool for slicing through orcs and goblins but nothing more delicate than that.
“This quest can suck my dick,” CJ grumbled.
Kimberly snorted and winked at them. “I could do that for you if you’d like.”
CJ rolled their eyes.
Together the two of them ventured forth, continuing through the forest until they came upon a little clearing. There was a stream that ran through it and a small collection of various flowers and fruit-bearing bushes.
Kimberly stumbled over to the stream and sipped from it. At the same time, CJ looked around the clearing, humming and hawing to themselves.
“I don’t like the look of this,” CJ said.
Kimberly perked up. “Kind of does have the vibe of being too good to be true, doesn’t it?”
“A nice peaceful resting spot with various berry bushes and a conveniently placed refreshing stream,” CJ stated, clicking their tongue against the roof of their mouth. “I’m calling it now but this is the resting spot before a huge boss encounter.”
“Kind of a dick move to make us wait this long,” Kimberly grumbled. “Not like we had any big fights beforehand that we even need to recover from.”
They plopped down under a tree and leaned back against it. Their hand then went into their satchel and started pulling out various bottles of red and blue fluid. In total, they had five red ones and two blue ones.
“Think this will be enough potions to get us through it?” Kimberly asked.
CJ hummed and looked into their own satchel. “I mean I think I have a couple extra if you’d like some.”
They held out two red bottles and tossed them over to Kimberly who caught them in one of their beefy hands.
“This whole quest just didn’t have boss fight vibes, you know?” Kimberly asked.
CJ nodded. “Honestly, I thought this was just going to be some silly little fetch quest in the woods.” They chuckled. “You know, catch five rabbits and bring them back to me and I’ll give you some money and experience points.”
“The money was a little too good for something like that,” Kimberly commented before letting out a thin laugh. “I think we’re being memed on.”
CJ shrugged. “I thought they would just adjust the payouts since we’re in a higher-level area on this continent.” They wagged their finger at Kimberly. “I’ll have you know that these high potions aren’t exactly the cheapest thing in the world to craft.”
“Maybe if you stopped trying to buy an apartment you’d have more potion money,” Kimberly quipped, squinting at them.
CJ rolled their eyes and looked over at one of the berry bushes, walking over to it. They knelt beside it and plucked one of the berries off, popping it into their mouth.
“At least the creators were nice enough to lead us to somewhere that has food,” they said.
Kimberly nodded. “I still remember running out of rations in that fucking crypt back in Toriel. I think after the thirtieth floor I was just about hungry enough to try eating undead flesh.”
They looked down at their axe and drew forth a grinding stone, using it to sharpen their blade even more. It was a mighty weapon, more than adequate for smiting any regular mobs. But against a proper boss, they would need every edge they could get.
“Well at least we’re in for something exciting today,” CJ quipped.
Kimberly nodded. “I was getting a little tired of all the fetch quests we had to do in that town. About time that they sent us into a proper fight.”
They inspected their blade, pleased with the way the sunlight practically sparkled off it. With care, they hefted it into the air and caught it again, pleased with how it felt.
“What do you think it’s going to be like?” CJ asked.
Kimberly shrugged. “I mean I haven’t really gotten a good look at what we’ve even been hunting. Seems a little small for a boss though, don’t you think?”
“Maybe that’s one of the boss’ babies?” CJ replied, shrugging as they motioned towards Kimberly. “Though that would be pretty fucking grizzly thing to do. You know, murdering its mother in front of them.”
“How about a really fast boss with a high dodge chance but a pretty modest hit point pool?” Kimberly suggested. “Never really fought something like that before but it’s a possibility.”
They reached into their satchel and pulled out a pipe, placing the stem between their lips. They lit the contents of the bowl and started to inhale. It didn’t offer any status effects but the substance inside was calming, settling, bringing a clairvoyance to their mind.
“Can I have a puff?” CJ asked.
Kimberly offered the pipe and CJ took it. It was kind of funny to see a moose-sized item in the hands of a creature this small but they still manage to take a pull from it just the same, letting it out in a billow of ashen smoke.
“You know, I think this is the first boss fight that we’ve done together,” CJ commented, offering the pipe back to Kim.
Kimberly nodded and took it. “You know what, I think you’re right.”
“Think we should put together some kind of strategy?” CJ asked as they glanced towards the trail of prints that went deeper into the forest.
Kimberly flashed a smile and lifted up their shield and axe. “I agro the boss’ damage and you ensure that I stay upright long enough to continue taking blows and dishing it out. Maybe cast a spell or two to do some damage of your own if you’re able to.”
“Sounds simple enough,” CJ quipped, shrugging. “Just hope it doesn’t have any tricks up its sleeves.”
“I mean…” Kimberly sighed. “It probably does? This boss has been using nothing but tricks to lure us into this fight.”
CJ stood up and started to pace, venturing back and forth through the little forest clearing. They seemed deep in thought as they murmured silent little strategies to themselves. Though in the end, they nodded resolutely.
“We use fireball,” they declared.
Kimberly cocked a brow. “You know fireball?”
“Do I know fireball?” CJ scoffed, chuckling to themselves. “Babe, I know like five different kinds of fireball spells. I can create a fireball so big that it’ll turn a whole acre of forest into a tinderbox.”
“Well maybe we should go for something a little smaller than that,” Kimberly replied, taking another puff of their calming herb. “Maybe something that could turn a single tree into kindling. I’d prefer not to start a forest fire if it were at all possible.”
“Igniting a single tree would be fireball level two then,” CJ said.
They snapped their fingers together and a modest orb of orange and red flames formed from their fingertips. With a flick of their wrist, they sent it flying towards one of the nearby trees. It impacted, a moment later, and turned the piece of nature into a massive pyre.
“Neat,” Kimberly murmured, watching the flames in awe.
“Useful for turning anything smaller than a wolf into ash,” CJ stated.
Kimberly shook their head and pointed towards the blazing inferno. “That doesn’t kill a wolf?”
“Fire acts funny when you try to use it in a combat situation,” CJ explained, rolling their wrist through the air. “Sure, it can turn a tree into ash but when a wolf wants to mess with you then it’ll only scare the thing off.”
“God, our reality is freaking weird,” Kimberly whispered, letting out a heavy sigh as they stood up. “Anyways, we know this thing has fur for certain. So, what if we just hit it with a really sticky fire spell that will burn it for a longer duration?”
“Could work though we’d probably lose out on the hide and thus all the money that we were promised,” CJ quipped.
Kimberly snorted. “Oh please, do you honestly think that this hunter won’t pay us for taking care of a boss? Just leave the skeleton intact and I’m sure we’ll be rolling gil by the end of the day.”
“Is that a risk you really want to take?” CJ asked.
Kimberly grunted as they lumbered over to the still highlighted animal prints that ventured deeper into the forest. This seemed to be their only response as they motioned for CJ to follow.
After all, this was a plan even if an imperfect one.
“Take it as a workshop idea,” they said, pointing towards CJ with their axe. “If you can come up with something better before we get to the boss then we’ll try out your idea. But face it, any combat that is going to involve a spell is probably going to destroy that animal’s fur.” They scoffed. “Hell, I’m likely to destroy the pelt with this axe regardless of how careful we are with magic.”
“I could try thunderbolt,” CJ suggested.
They bounded up ahead, taking the lead.
Kimberly shrugged as they hefted their mighty weapon over their shoulder. “Wouldn’t that just end up igniting the boss’ fur anyways? Lighting is just a fire spell that takes a couple extra steps to turn the thing into charcoal.”
“How about an ice spell?” CJ asked.
Kimberly hummed and tilted their head to the side. “I mean, it would probably slow the boss down. Still, if it’s trapped in ice how are we going to skin it?”
“Very carefully?” CJ tried. They then snapped their fingers together. “I think I have an insane idea.”
“I’m all in favour of insane ideas,” Kimberly replied, allowing themselves a thin smile.
CJ nodded and marched forward with dedication. “We kill the boss with fireball or thunderbolt or something like that, okay?”
“Okay?” Kimberly replied, nodding for them to continue.
“Then… then…” CJ snapped their fingers together and pointed at Kimberly. “Then we use a revive or phoenix down on it. Those things only bring back like two hundred hit points of their lifeforce, right?”
Kimberly smirked. “Then I just whack it over the head with my axe and we have a perfectly intact pelt ready for harvesting?”
“Exactly!” CJ beamed.
“You know, that might actually work,” Kimberly said, rubbing at their chin.
The two of them came to a stop at a series of bushes as Kimberly peered out from over top of them.
They realized that CJ couldn’t see what they saw so they held out a hand, ensuring that they came to a stop as well. As they looked down at their partner, they saw that their gaze had grown confused and they were looking up at them for instruction.
“I see it,” Kimberly whispered, turning their attention back to the clearing.
CJ nodded. “What does it look like?”
Kimberly squinted and saw something that looked distinctly like a cat and not even an especially violent one. It was a bit bigger than your average run-of-the-mill house cat but didn’t look any more lethal than that.
“It looks like a housecat,” they said.
CJ snorted. “A housecat?”
“Here just…” Kimberly got onto their knees and patted their shoulders. “Let me show you.”
CJ glared at them. “This is degrading.”
“Look…” Kimberly sighed and pointed towards the bush that obstructed their view. “Do you want to see this thing or what?”
CJ rolled their eyes and clambered onto their shoulders, gripping their antlers for support. Then Kimberly carefully rose, bringing both of their eyes above the shrubbery.
“Gods you’re so freaking tall,” CJ murmured as they studied the situation as well. “Yep, that definitely looks like a housecat.”
“I don’t like this,” Kimberly grumbled. “This has trap written all over it. Feels like we’re going to walk into that clearing and get immediately mauled to death.”
CJ snorted. “By a housecat?”
“What if it’s like a mimic or something and it’s just luring us into this fight by looking all sweet and innocent?” Kimberly stated, waving wildly at it. “Like you saw the way that thing moved, it was like a bolt from a crossbow enchanted with a swiftness cantrip.”
“Cats are pretty fast,” CJ stated. “Anyways, can you let me down?”
Kimberly nodded and got back onto their knees. CJ then clambered off, landing upon the ground with a thud.
“I’m just saying that this has mimic vibes, babe,” Kimberly warned.
“Okay but…” CJ shook their head. “This isn’t Dark Souls or something. This game doesn’t really trick you with mimics.”
Kimberly shrugged. “Just feels a little too good to be true, you know?”
They reached for their holster and pulled out their powerful axe, feeling the weight of it in their hand. It would get the job done nicely just as long as there were no illusions at play.
CJ sighed. “I know what you mean.” They couldn’t help but let out a cruel note of laughter. “You know, this might just be the most infuriating gil I’ve ever had the displeasure of trying to earn.”
They cast a quick cantrip from their fingers, engulfing both themselves and Kimberly in a purifying glow. The spell had a calming and rejuvenating effect, taking away the edge and refreshing their vigour. It was like a more potent version of the herb they had been smoking.
“Well…” Kimberly worked their jaw. “No point delaying the inevitable, right?”
CJ nodded. “Right.”
The two of them braced themselves and Kimberly crossed a quick holy pattern over their chest. It didn’t have a pronounced effect but the protection of the gods was supposedly imbued upon them with this simple motion.
And honestly, they could use every advantage they could get going up against this boss.
Kimberly drew in another breath and then cried out without warning, rushing forwards. They broke through the brush like a barbarian, sending branches and leaves flying in every direction. Grass and loam crunched under their hooves as they thudded across the terrain, charging forwards like a bull about to eviscerate a poor unsuspecting china shop.
The cat didn’t even look startled and merely observed them with a tame boredom, licking at one of its legs and cleaning itself.
CJ was only a mere step behind, breaching through the gap their partner had left in the brush. They leapt forwards and cast a fireball, flinging it towards the beast. The ball arched through the air with such speed and it would surely…
The cat dove out of the way at the last second. No, it didn’t dive, it teleported. Within the blink of an eye, it had moved several metres to the left.
Kimberly snarled and swung their axe at it. Though no matter how fast they swung, the cat teleported out of the way with even more agility. Their blade met nothing but soil, sending earth and debris exploding outwards in an eruption of dirt.
“Where is….” they began.
They then felt a presence materialize behind them.
“Nani?” Kimberly whispered.
For a small cat, it turned out that it could hit quite hard, pounding into Kimberly’s back like a miniature cannonball. It launched them forwards and face first into the soil, knocking the wind and any semblance of rationality out of them.
Kimberly glanced over and saw CJ attempt to summon a shield to protect themselves. Though once more the cat teleported behind them and lashed out.
CJ then attempted to summon stop, flinging out the cantrip with desperation. This spell actually had some success as the cat came to an immediate halt midair. It was frozen and just about ready to lash out, its talons mere inches from their face.
“Holy shit,” they whispered. “That actually worked?”
Kimberly grunted and pulled themselves out of the mud, grabbing their axe. They lumbered over to the frozen cat and noticed that its petrified expression was curled back into a fearsome snarl.
“Watch out,” Kimberly warned.
They swung the axe back and then brought it down upon the cat’s body, severing it in two with a single powerful blow. The spell then dissipated and the two halves of the corpse thudded to the ground like a piece of wood cut right down the middle.
“What the fuck was…” CJ began.
Though the cat’s body started to shiver, the hair molting upon it. The flesh dissolved and turned into a puddle of some nebulous black substance. It had bad news written all over it as the goo started to spread across the forest floor, absorbing more organic matter into its growing shape.
Kimberly stumbled back and so did CJ. The two of them exchanged a look and then glanced back at the growing puddle of miasma.
“Did we just… trigger an endgame boss?” Kimberly whispered, shaking their head in disbelief.
CJ’s complexion had utterly paled.
“I think we did,” they said.
The puddle extended outward to a sizeable radius, taking up the yardage necessary for a medium sized home. Then it started to grow upwards, taking shape and substance. By the end a mighty beast stood before them. It was one part dragon, one part snake, and another part lion, looking a hundred times as intimidating as any of those species alone.
“We’re so fucked,” CJ murmured.
Kimberly could only nod. They were stunned into paralysis by the sheer size of this monster, by the absolute danger that it bore. A deep instinctual part of their mind had a feeling that if they could study this creature, they would find that it had a hit point reserve numbering in the millions.
Then the monster swung down and slammed a mighty paw into them.
And they were gone… vaporized in an instant.
“Fucking bullshit!” CJ roared.
Kimberly snorted. “I thought it was a pretty good meme.”
“It was a very good meme,” CJ grumbled, scrunching their adorable little bunny nose. “But I see that we’re all just taking pages from Dark Soul’s book now.”
They huffed and glared at their computer screen before glancing up at Kimberly who merely smiled back at them.
“That much gold for a simple fetch quest did seem a little too good to be true,” CJ admitted, letting out a heavy sigh.
Kimberly nodded. “Oh well, at least we’ll know about it next time around, right?”
They looked at their own computer and closed the game’s app before scrolling over to Steam. After a battle like that, they deserved a little comfort food, opening up Europa Universalis IV.
“Well now what do you want to do with the rest of our night?” CJ grumbled.
Kimberly noticed a notification on the bottom right of their screen that stated that CJ had just opened Elden Ring. Clearly, the boss encounter had left some sort of impact upon them.
They hummed. “Could order some takeout and watch anime on the couch?”
“Anime does sound nice,” CJ said, glancing up at them. “Any idea what you’d want to watch?”
“Whatever…” they began.
CJ smirked and pointed at them. “And you can’t deflect by just saying whatever I want to watch.”
“Sure, I can,” Kimberly retorted.
CJ shook their head, their smile growing. “No, you can’t and that’s an order.”
Kimberly scrunched their nose and playfully glared at them.
“How about…” They hummed. “How about Beastars?”
“Ehhhh… I don’t really know how interested I’d be in watching a show full of humans,” CJ said. They then hummed and taped a finger against their chin. “Didn’t you say that you wanted to get into Jojo?”
Kimberly smirked. “Sure.”
“So, how about some Chinese food and watching Jojo then?” CJ offered. “I think that’d make for a pretty chill night.”
“Just make sure to include a couple vegetarian things in our order,” Kimberly teased, motioning to themselves. “I might not look like an herbivore but I very much am one.”
“Babe…” CJ snorted and motioned to themselves as well. “Bunny rabbit, remember?”
Kimberly snickered. “Oh right.”
“Anyways is there anything that you wanted to get specifically?” CJ asked.
“Whatever…” Kimberly started though promptly paused as they saw the sharp look that CJ was giving them. “How about garlic broccoli, kimchi buns, and vegetable dumplings?”
CJ smirked. “Sounds good to me though I’ll also probably get a couple things myself.”
Kimberly nodded and got up from their station, making their way towards the door. “Sounds good to me.”
“Where are you going?” CJ asked.
Kimberly smirked. “To get my credit card.” They winked at them. “My treat tonight.”
CJ flushed. “Aww babe, you don’t need to…”
“I insist,” Kimberly replied. “Not making you buy your own dinner on your birthday.”
They paused before slipping out, giving them a look.
“By the way… happy birthday, babe,” they said.
CJ smiled at them. “Thanks.”
“Love you lots,” Kimberly added.
CJ grinned. “Love you too.”
And with that Kimberly slipped out of the room.
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