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Tzimmes Cracked Corn (And I Don’t Care)
A Spontoon Island story
© 2022 Walter Reimer
(Characters courtesy of M. Mitch Marmel, J.T. Urie, and E.O. Costello. Thanks!)
Thumbnail art by
susandeer
14.
“Hey Harry.”
“Yeah, Bert?”
“Got a hot tip.”
“Yeah? What’s up? Fill me in.”
“Well, you know Reggie Buckhorn’s back in the Spontoons.”
“Sure, Bert. Everyone in the Silver Ring knows about that. So what?”
“He just showed up at the Grand, and placed a bet. On himself.”
“You now have my attention, my friend. What’s the bet?”
“That he won’t do anything to get him in Dutch with the cops.”
“Huh?”
“He put a hundred pounds down on it – against himself. At four to one.”
“Bert, I’m thinking that it’s noisy in here. Didja say four to one, against himself?”
”Yeah, that’s what I said.”
”We gotta get a piece of that action.”
”Already on it, Harry.”
***
Rosie:
“You’re kidding.”
Toni grinned over her cup of tea. “God’s truth. Inocenta’s pleased as punch and the confused look on Les’ face is a sight to behold.”
We both had a good laugh and filled Athena in on what was going on, notably that Leslie and Inocenta duCleds’ two daughters, a pair of fine doe-fawn twins about ten months old, were eating meat as well as the usual cervine vegetarian fare. “Maria and Rosa are beautiful fawns,” Toni said, “but Pete and I are glad we’re on the other side of the house.”
“A bit loud, are they?” Athena asked.
Toni laughed. “They’ve gone through two governesses, and they’re not even a year old,” and we all laughed with her. “Although Number Three looks like she has staying power.”
“Oh?”
My old pal nodded. “Yup. She puts cotton wool in her ears. She said it helped her at her last job.”
“Which was?” Athena asked.
“Steel foundry.” We all laughed, and we quieted down as the shop’s proprietor, a very well-dressed otter femme wearing half-moon glasses, came forward.
“Good afternoon. I’m Mrs. Aparador,” she said with a cheerful smile. “Very sorry to keep you waiting, but I see that Mina has been looking after you. I was told that you’re here for a wedding dress?” We nodded and she asked, “Who’s the lucky woman?”
Toni jerked a thumb at me as I raised a paw.
“Hmm.” Her cheerful demeanor evaporated, replaced by a calculating look that stripped all my clothes off without me even undoing a button. She gestured with a paw for me to stand up. “Hmm . . . mmhmm . . . Is this your first marriage?” she asked as she had me turn around a few times.
“Yes.”
“Mmhmm . . . “ She glanced at me over her glasses. She was a good head and shoulders shorter than me, but I felt intimidated by that look, like I was somehow a naughty kitten. “Are you a virgin?”
I blinked, and Toni said, “She’s pregnant, so that’s a ‘No.’”
Now, Toni’s from Gnu York, and she won’t take guff off anyone, but one long look from Aparador had my chum looking like she was scared. The otter went back to looking at me and suddenly said, “I can work with this. Come along,” and she started walking toward the back of the shop.
I looked at Toni and Athena, who both shrugged, and I followed the dressmaker.
No prizes; the first thing she said when the door closed was, “Take off your clothes. Leave your underthings on, please.”
The ‘please’ sounded like she’d tacked it on as a courtesy only, so I meekly obeyed.
***
Brush:
“These are bogberries?”
I give Miz Buckhorn a nod. “Yeah. They’re a li’l dried - watch it.”
“What?”
“If I was you, I’d wash my paws after touchin’ these, an’ no puttin’ fingers in yer mouth before havin’ a wash.”
The doe gives me a look, an’ her ears move around. “They’re that poisonous?”
“Nah, they won’t kill ya,” I sez, “but whoever eats ‘em will wish they was dead fer ‘bout a day or two. Like I say, th’ gates open up at both ends, ya get me?”
She grins. “Perfect. Um, mind a personal question?”
“Depends.”
“Do you have any cousins?”
“Heh. Yeah. Why?”
I could swear this doe’s got some fox in her family tree. ‘Course, bein’ related t’ th’ Inspector, she’d be smart as a whip natcherly. “I have something in mind. It’ll cause a lot of trouble for those folk in the Embassy, but won’t get your cousins in trouble – in fact, I plan on paying them for their assistance.”
“Yez got my interest. Whatcha got in mind?”
So she tells me.
Damn. Lucky I’m on her side.
***
Athena:
We, Toni and I, were left waiting in the outer room at the dressmaker’s, sipping tea and chatting about this and that. Her husband Pete knows my father; Standard Oil of Rhode Island does business with du Cleds Chemicals, and vice versa.
So we were sitting there, when the door swings open and Rosie and Mrs. Aparador walk out.
Oh.
My.
***
Rosie:
Athena and Toni had the same reaction I did, and Toni, bless her, cheerfully paid for the work to be done. Pierre has her on an allowance, but my tigress chum was born pinching pennies.
We left after getting things set up with Mrs. Aparador, and Athena told me later that she didn’t think my feet were touching the pavement all the way back to Luchow’s.
You know what? I think she was right.
***
Nikolai:
"Bonne soirée mon ami."
“Nikolai, mon bon ami! Entrez, entrez! Cela fait longtemps."
“Merci, et oui, ça a été – quoi? Un mois? Peu importe."
“J'ai reçu votre message plus tôt, et je dois admettre que je suis curieux. D'abord, un verre.”
"Merci."
"Vous voilà. Pour ta santé."
"Et le vôtre."
"Alors."
"Vous avez entendu dire que mon employeur, Rosie Baumgartner, va se marier avec l'inspecteur Stagg."
"Oh bien sûr! Je les ai toujours aimés tous les deux, tu sais.”
"Moi, Nikolai Ivanovich, j'ai dit à Rosie qu'il fournirait le dîner de mariage à l'heureux couple."
"Je suis jaloux."
"Cependant, Nikolai Ivanovich ne serait pas un vrai homme s'il n'admettait pas ses limites. Et donc, mon ami, je me tourne vers vous pour obtenir de l'aide.”
“Oh, vous n'avez qu'à demander, mon ami! Que diriez-vous de fournir le festin, tandis que moi, le chef Joseph, fournirai le gâteau et la salle à manger ici. ”
"Oh, mon cher ami, vous réjouissez le cœur de Nikolai Ivanovich."
“C'est ce que les amis font l'un pour l'autre, hein? Au couple heureux.”
"Dlya schastlivoy pary, mon ami."*
*(“Good evening, my friend.”
“Nikolai, my good friend! Come in, come in! It has been a while.”
“Thank you, and yes it has been – what? A month? No matter.”
“I got your message earlier, and I must admit I am curious. First, a drink.”
“Thank you.”
“Here you are. To your health.”
“And yours.”
“So.”
“You have heard that my employer, Rosie Baumgartner, is to be married to Inspector Stagg.”
“Oh, of course! I’ve always liked them both, you know.”
“I, Nikolai Ivanovich, have told Rosie that he shall provide the wedding dinner for the happy couple.”
“I am jealous.”
“However, Nikolai Ivanovich would not be a true man if he did not admit his limitations. And so, my friend, I turn to you for help.”
“Oh, you have but to ask, my friend! How about you provide the feast, while I, Chef Joseph, provide the cake and the dining room here.”
“Oh, my dear friend, you gladden the heart of Nikolai Ivanovich.”
“It is what friends do for each other, hm? To the happy couple.”
“To the happy couple, my friend.”)
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
A Spontoon Island story
© 2022 Walter Reimer
(Characters courtesy of M. Mitch Marmel, J.T. Urie, and E.O. Costello. Thanks!)
Thumbnail art by
susandeer14.
“Hey Harry.”
“Yeah, Bert?”
“Got a hot tip.”
“Yeah? What’s up? Fill me in.”
“Well, you know Reggie Buckhorn’s back in the Spontoons.”
“Sure, Bert. Everyone in the Silver Ring knows about that. So what?”
“He just showed up at the Grand, and placed a bet. On himself.”
“You now have my attention, my friend. What’s the bet?”
“That he won’t do anything to get him in Dutch with the cops.”
“Huh?”
“He put a hundred pounds down on it – against himself. At four to one.”
“Bert, I’m thinking that it’s noisy in here. Didja say four to one, against himself?”
”Yeah, that’s what I said.”
”We gotta get a piece of that action.”
”Already on it, Harry.”
***
Rosie:
“You’re kidding.”
Toni grinned over her cup of tea. “God’s truth. Inocenta’s pleased as punch and the confused look on Les’ face is a sight to behold.”
We both had a good laugh and filled Athena in on what was going on, notably that Leslie and Inocenta duCleds’ two daughters, a pair of fine doe-fawn twins about ten months old, were eating meat as well as the usual cervine vegetarian fare. “Maria and Rosa are beautiful fawns,” Toni said, “but Pete and I are glad we’re on the other side of the house.”
“A bit loud, are they?” Athena asked.
Toni laughed. “They’ve gone through two governesses, and they’re not even a year old,” and we all laughed with her. “Although Number Three looks like she has staying power.”
“Oh?”
My old pal nodded. “Yup. She puts cotton wool in her ears. She said it helped her at her last job.”
“Which was?” Athena asked.
“Steel foundry.” We all laughed, and we quieted down as the shop’s proprietor, a very well-dressed otter femme wearing half-moon glasses, came forward.
“Good afternoon. I’m Mrs. Aparador,” she said with a cheerful smile. “Very sorry to keep you waiting, but I see that Mina has been looking after you. I was told that you’re here for a wedding dress?” We nodded and she asked, “Who’s the lucky woman?”
Toni jerked a thumb at me as I raised a paw.
“Hmm.” Her cheerful demeanor evaporated, replaced by a calculating look that stripped all my clothes off without me even undoing a button. She gestured with a paw for me to stand up. “Hmm . . . mmhmm . . . Is this your first marriage?” she asked as she had me turn around a few times.
“Yes.”
“Mmhmm . . . “ She glanced at me over her glasses. She was a good head and shoulders shorter than me, but I felt intimidated by that look, like I was somehow a naughty kitten. “Are you a virgin?”
I blinked, and Toni said, “She’s pregnant, so that’s a ‘No.’”
Now, Toni’s from Gnu York, and she won’t take guff off anyone, but one long look from Aparador had my chum looking like she was scared. The otter went back to looking at me and suddenly said, “I can work with this. Come along,” and she started walking toward the back of the shop.
I looked at Toni and Athena, who both shrugged, and I followed the dressmaker.
No prizes; the first thing she said when the door closed was, “Take off your clothes. Leave your underthings on, please.”
The ‘please’ sounded like she’d tacked it on as a courtesy only, so I meekly obeyed.
***
Brush:
“These are bogberries?”
I give Miz Buckhorn a nod. “Yeah. They’re a li’l dried - watch it.”
“What?”
“If I was you, I’d wash my paws after touchin’ these, an’ no puttin’ fingers in yer mouth before havin’ a wash.”
The doe gives me a look, an’ her ears move around. “They’re that poisonous?”
“Nah, they won’t kill ya,” I sez, “but whoever eats ‘em will wish they was dead fer ‘bout a day or two. Like I say, th’ gates open up at both ends, ya get me?”
She grins. “Perfect. Um, mind a personal question?”
“Depends.”
“Do you have any cousins?”
“Heh. Yeah. Why?”
I could swear this doe’s got some fox in her family tree. ‘Course, bein’ related t’ th’ Inspector, she’d be smart as a whip natcherly. “I have something in mind. It’ll cause a lot of trouble for those folk in the Embassy, but won’t get your cousins in trouble – in fact, I plan on paying them for their assistance.”
“Yez got my interest. Whatcha got in mind?”
So she tells me.
Damn. Lucky I’m on her side.
***
Athena:
We, Toni and I, were left waiting in the outer room at the dressmaker’s, sipping tea and chatting about this and that. Her husband Pete knows my father; Standard Oil of Rhode Island does business with du Cleds Chemicals, and vice versa.
So we were sitting there, when the door swings open and Rosie and Mrs. Aparador walk out.
Oh.
My.
***
Rosie:
Athena and Toni had the same reaction I did, and Toni, bless her, cheerfully paid for the work to be done. Pierre has her on an allowance, but my tigress chum was born pinching pennies.
We left after getting things set up with Mrs. Aparador, and Athena told me later that she didn’t think my feet were touching the pavement all the way back to Luchow’s.
You know what? I think she was right.
***
Nikolai:
"Bonne soirée mon ami."
“Nikolai, mon bon ami! Entrez, entrez! Cela fait longtemps."
“Merci, et oui, ça a été – quoi? Un mois? Peu importe."
“J'ai reçu votre message plus tôt, et je dois admettre que je suis curieux. D'abord, un verre.”
"Merci."
"Vous voilà. Pour ta santé."
"Et le vôtre."
"Alors."
"Vous avez entendu dire que mon employeur, Rosie Baumgartner, va se marier avec l'inspecteur Stagg."
"Oh bien sûr! Je les ai toujours aimés tous les deux, tu sais.”
"Moi, Nikolai Ivanovich, j'ai dit à Rosie qu'il fournirait le dîner de mariage à l'heureux couple."
"Je suis jaloux."
"Cependant, Nikolai Ivanovich ne serait pas un vrai homme s'il n'admettait pas ses limites. Et donc, mon ami, je me tourne vers vous pour obtenir de l'aide.”
“Oh, vous n'avez qu'à demander, mon ami! Que diriez-vous de fournir le festin, tandis que moi, le chef Joseph, fournirai le gâteau et la salle à manger ici. ”
"Oh, mon cher ami, vous réjouissez le cœur de Nikolai Ivanovich."
“C'est ce que les amis font l'un pour l'autre, hein? Au couple heureux.”
"Dlya schastlivoy pary, mon ami."*
*(“Good evening, my friend.”
“Nikolai, my good friend! Come in, come in! It has been a while.”
“Thank you, and yes it has been – what? A month? No matter.”
“I got your message earlier, and I must admit I am curious. First, a drink.”
“Thank you.”
“Here you are. To your health.”
“And yours.”
“So.”
“You have heard that my employer, Rosie Baumgartner, is to be married to Inspector Stagg.”
“Oh, of course! I’ve always liked them both, you know.”
“I, Nikolai Ivanovich, have told Rosie that he shall provide the wedding dinner for the happy couple.”
“I am jealous.”
“However, Nikolai Ivanovich would not be a true man if he did not admit his limitations. And so, my friend, I turn to you for help.”
“Oh, you have but to ask, my friend! How about you provide the feast, while I, Chef Joseph, provide the cake and the dining room here.”
“Oh, my dear friend, you gladden the heart of Nikolai Ivanovich.”
“It is what friends do for each other, hm? To the happy couple.”
“To the happy couple, my friend.”)
<NEXT>
<PREVIOUS>
<FIRST>
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Cheetah
Size 939 x 1280px
File Size 229.4 kB
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