Yeah.... this is another vent art that I´ve been willing to do and was feeling needy to make. Also a description of what I´ve been feeling these last days about the topic "living in the shadows". Basically it´s me feeling not being noticed and being a lacky persona and a ruined person that has been living in a cave the whole life.... But I could try to seperate in the topics in the art. Being Ignored, Left Behind, Not recgonized by my efforts and having a lack of personal development......
-->Being ignored: It´s just basically that I feel that I sometimes I´m too cringy, dumb, idiot or so silly that I´m just ignored, people that I care and lack mostly wouldn´t give a f about me, even though I try to be nice and cool and improve myself. I just feel that I´m just ignorable and sometimes wouldn´t make a difference if I participated in some event or nah. If I make a joke, no reactions, if I ask something barely any reactions, If I stream some game in a discord call they wouldn´t care.....
-->Not recgonized by my efforts: I´ve been doing many projects and my things and I´ve been feeling not recgonized by what I do. Ive been arting for 7 years and I feel like I don´t have recgonizion of my improvements (even though I have a lot to improve too though). But well, even that I try to do a lot of projects and share and participating, like raffles and streams and events... I just feel people overpass by it.... It´s like if they don´t care what I do or effort myself.
-->Left behind: I just felt left behind, people unwished , like if they just wanted distance by me, and even if I´m trying to get closer to people they just avoid me, even though I try to improve. I´ve been tired a lot of sundelly getting blocked, unfriended, unfollowed or anything like this, or just deleting the chat while the conversation was really gud.... And I still have another feelings, of being feeling unwanted in a discord call, at the point for making a call that I couldn´t enter (it´s not only with me though). Or having this heavy feeling of beeing unwanted in a furmeet at the point of someone compliment everybody and ignore me so hard that it hurts....
-->Lack of own Development: I feel like that I have almost no experience about things that I´ve should have experienced, acording to people´s experience. Been a while that I don´t go to a friend house to spend the night there. watching anime/cartoon/serie s x or y when I was a child and I can´t run after it because I´m too old for that shit and it´s just too late. Same goes for some games though. A while has been since I didnt hang out with friends, got drunk or past a day/night playing video games. I have almost no funny and intersting history to tell about some shit I´ve done as many people have, I dont feel having many friends as I should have suposed to have, even more close friends to get to count on. I feel like I lack of knowlage that I should have and I cant afford it anymore because I lost the time of it.... The same as with social skills and experiences.... I feel that I lack a lot of it, so I´m emotionally sensible more than I should be, too silly and dumbn for talk, no skill for talking, and these are huge holes for my personality and personal development that I should fix even if it´s unfixable. And also another habililities, like talking, playing some instrument, cultural baggage, drawing, fighting or anything like that.... Ok, also I don´t know if I really have some kind of austism, aspernger or some kind of neuro divergence... But I would look for it.
So yeah.... those have been the things I´ve been feeling about the topic "Living in the shadows".... I´m glad for you reading it even though that it was a long text