Critic
A Thursday Prompt story
© 2022 by Walter Reimer

Prompt: film


The opening title card The Critic’s Dungeon with Pierre de Sade faded, revealing a set that could almost be described as ‘cozy,’ resembling a nicely decorated den with the host, a casually attired French bulldog, seated in a comfortable armchair. A brick fireplace framed a very large flat screen television, while to the viewer’s left a tall bloodhound rested somewhat less comfortably.

His discomfort was probably attributable to the fact that he was wearing nothing but his underwear, and was securely manacled into a medieval torture rack.

The French bulldog smiled warmly at the camera. “Good evening, everyone, and welcome once again to the Dungeon. I’m your host, Pierre de Sade, and with me tonight is British director Oscar Armbruster, here to discuss with me his latest film A Closely Watched Accident. As always, I’ll be showing clips from the film, and asking questions of our guest. Afterward, I will be assigning a rating to the film.” He smiled again and stood up, crossing the set as the camera followed him.

“Good evening, Oscar.”

The bloodhound looked up apprehensively at the bulldog, making small guttural sounds around the wide leather-wrapped bar that quite effectively gagged him.

“Nice to see you too. In your movies, you tend to have your characters talk down to your audience. Why is that?” De Sade accompanied the question by grasping the rack’s crank and turning it twice, pulling Armbruster’s arms and torso taut over the rows of small metal points.

As the bloodhound’s pained groan died down, the bulldog said, “Well, let’s see a clip of your latest movie, which you’ve described in the trades as a romantic comedy.” He picked up a remote control and pointed it at the television, and as the relevant scene started, he set the remote aside and picked up a riding crop.

The scene played out on the screen, as the two stars traded verbal barbs over their cell phones while driving their cars to work. Sounds of the riding crop striking flesh and muffled cries could be heard in the background. When the clip ended, the camera cut back to where de Sade was standing. He was breathing heavily.

Armbruster’s chest fur looked disturbed, a welter of lateral lines crisscrossing his chest at about nipple level. The bloodhound was whimpering.

“Now,” de Sade said, “you call this a comedy, but the two protagonists don’t appear to like each other, and their insults to each other betray not the slightest bit of comedic timing or irony. It’s just two furs who no longer love each other, snapping at each other. It makes the people who watch your movies feel disappointed that they’ve wasted their money.” He slapped the tip of the crop against Armbruster’s right nipple, making the bloodhound writhe and whine in pain.

“Here’s another clip, and I can only surmise that the reason the female star of this movie agreed to this scene was that she really needed the money.” It was a bedroom scene, with the woman adulterating her marriage with a seemingly random fellow she’d met at work who could be charitably described as ‘not worth it.’ The camera work, which had been superintended by Armbruster, seemed to focus on parts of the body that most people wouldn’t consider either erogenous or titillating.

The director screamed around his gag as the clip progressed.

“As a person who’s been in love with motion pictures since he was a pup,” de Sade said as he picked up a heavy bullwhip, “I felt insulted by watching this movie. It was a waste of my money, and all I could feel as I left the theater was that you were deliberately going out of your way to insult your viewers’ collective intelligence. Do you have anything to say?”

Armbruster panted, whimpering.

“I thought not. Well, I would give A Closely Watched Accident ten whips,” and suiting actions to words, he plied the whip with vigor, aiming the leather scourge against the bloodhound’s calves, thighs and chest as the canine writhed, screaming hoarsely until de Sade stopped and he subsided against the rack, sobbing brokenly.

“Oh, pardon me,” de Sade said. “I meant to say ‘ten whips,’” and he pulled a serrated metal clip from a pocket and snapped it on Armbruster’s left nipple, “I meant ‘ten whips and a nipple clamp.’”

The French bulldog smiled at the camera. “That’s all we have for tonight, dear viewers, so it’s a bientôt from me, and I’ll see you at the movies.”



end