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Chapter 3
Little School DayAzazel’s alarm clock went off. Startling both Ally and Azazel. Azazel turned it off and groaned loudly, “Time to get ready for school.”
“But I’m too commfyyyyy.” Ally said tiredly
“You know what-” Azazel said as she wrapped her arms around Ally and rolled off the bed, “Comfy now?”
“Mmmyes.” Replied Ally.
Ally went to Ainsley’s room to get her clothes. When she entered she saw a bunch of boxes. “I’m packing your stuff.” Said Ainsley from behind one of the boxes, “For your inevitable room change.”
“Where are my clothes?” Ally asked shyly. Ainsley pointed to a box near Ally’s wardrobe. She gets her clothes and goes back to Azazel’s room. She gets changed in the bathroom.
Ally came out and she was wearing a blue dress with black stripes on the top half. “Wow.” Said Azazel, “You look… Amazing.” Ally blushed. “Thank you.” She said as she swayed from side to side. Azazel got up and gave Ally a warm smile. “See you after school.”
Azazel was in her main class. Her major is Analytical Psychology. “Azazel?” The Teacher said. Azazel was startled awake, “Yes?”
“May you tell me what the ‘shadow’ is?”
“Uuuuh.” Azazel thought real hard, “It's the personification of all of a person's dislikes about themselves?”
“Close enough.”Azazel’s Teacher said. Azazel went on with her work.The college they attended was a bit of an omni-school. It sorta did everything. It even allows you to have multiple majors. Ally on the other hand, majored in Culinary Arts. She was an excellent baker. Top of her class.
When class was over and lunch began, Azazel heard gossip about some bully who got beat up. Azazel knew instantly that someone was messing with Karma’s girlfriend. Karma is extremely protective. Especially over her gf.
Ally and Azazel met up, “I have to introduce you to someone.” Said Azazel. She grabbed Ally’s hand and the two of them went to see Karma. Karma was sitting on one of the benches on the roof. With her f sitting beside her. Karma was feeding her.
“Hey Karma.” Said Azazel, “This is Ally.” Ally was hiding behind Azazel. Karma waved, Karma said, “Salang-deo, dear. Say hi.” Salang-deo, or Sal for short, was Karma’s girlfriend. She’s korean. Her parents named her love with the family syllable at the end. “Annyeong.” Said Sal. Sal was a dainty girl. Her eyes were a milky white colour due to her being blind. She even had buck teeth and freckles.
Azazel had her bento box in toe when she and Ally sat beside Sal and Karma, “So, when are you gonna wife her?” Karma said smugly. Azazel’s face turned red as she gasped, “KARMA!” Azazel yelled. Karma giggled and Sal covered her ears, “Please don’t yell.” Sal said, “My ears are sensitive ‘cause I'm blind.”
Ally came around and stopped hiding behind Azazel. Karma is really nice. Ally thought. Most of her worries about Karma were gone. Though a few stuck with her. Like, What if I do something wrong and she beats me up? But Karma wouldn’t do that Unless Ally did something mean or rude to another student. They talked for a long time before the bell rang.
Back at the dorm Ally collapses on Azazel’s bed. “Come on.” Azazel said, “Get up”
“No.”
“Yes” Azazel wrapped her arms around Ally’s waist and tried to pull her up. Ally grabbed hold of the sheets. Azazel gave up as she didn’t want to pull her sheets off her bed as they’re difficult to put back on. “Are you in Littlespace?” Azazel asked, Ally nodded, “Okay then.” Azazel hopped into bed with Ally and snuggled with her. Ally groaned quietly as she rubbed her face on Azazel’s chest.
After a bit, Ally got up, “I wanna cowour.” Said Ally, Azazel got some of her paper and gave it to Ally who sat on the floor. She then handed her some coloured pencils. Ally began drawing and colouring. “Watcha drawing?” Asked Azazel. Ally held up her paper and it was her and Azazel Holding hands. They were stick figures but it was still adorable. She was blue and Azazel was red. “Awwww.” Said Azazel.
Azazel had an at home printer in her room. She decided to print off a couple unicorn colouring sheets. She handed them to Ally whose eyes gleamed at the sight of them. She took a pink coloured pencil and began colouring what looked like Raina. “You really like Raina huh?” Azazel said, “I like my stuffy too.” Ally nodded.
“Can I see her?” Ally asked as she did grabby hands. Azazel handed her Darla, her stuffy, “Be careful with her, her ears like to fall off.” Azazel giggled. Ally began drawing Darla the Bunny-Bear. When she finishes, she shows it to Azazel. Azazel begins to tear up. “Wha wrong?” Ally asks.
“I miss him…” Azazel said, “I miss him so much.” Ally snuggled up to Azazel and Azazel embraced her tightly. Azazel had flashbacks to the shooting. “It okay Azzie.” Ally said quietly
“It should've been me.” Azazel sobbed as she said that. Ally got more serious and she cupped Azazel's face between her hands, “No.” Ally said, “You deserve to live. I- I don’t know how you must feel cause I never really got a family but I'm sorry for your loss.”
“I miss him so much.”Azazel cried.
“I know, I know.” Ally hugged her as she patted Azazel’s back.
After a while, Ally got Raina, Azazel held the blanket open awaiting Ally to snuggle with her. Ally got in bed, and then fell asleep. Azazel feels Ally wrap her arms around her. It made her feel… comfortable to be alive.
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 779 x 793px
File Size 14.5 kB
Listed in Folders
You have a good core. The relationship is great and really expressed in the dialogue and that is the strength that propels this story.
Most the issues are mechanical and as you have said English is not your first language so just come to improving things and learning rules.
So the big thing is dialogue tags.
“You know what… (if the dialogue cuts off use … instead)” Azazel said as she wrapped her arms around Ally and rolled off the bed, “Comfy now?”
So any time someone is doing the action of speaking use a comma and don’t capitalize the tag as it is the same part of the dialogue.
Some examples:
“Mmmyes.” Replied Ally. (incorrect)
“Mmmyes,” replied Ally. (Correct)
“Wow.” Said Azazel,
“Wow,” said Azazel,
“Close enough.”Azazel’s Teacher said.
“Close enough,”Azazel’s teacher said.
As you continue to improve in English think about new ways to approach sentences. There is a lot of repeat of Azazel and Ally “blanking” (doing stuff) to start sentences. Feel free to experiment with starting sentences with other nouns, adjectives, and verbs as you feel ready for it and improve.
“It even allows you to have multiple majors.” ~ In English fiction writing this called the royal “you” and something to avoid in fiction writing. There is nobody talking to the audience in a story like this and it create problems. Just a habit to avoid. There are story types for it but the story you have here and stories like it there is no reason for it.
Just a grammer issue of important note: “She gets changed in the bathroom.” She got changed in the bathroom (correct.) This is a struggle for non-English speakers, but an important one. A story like this needs to be in the past tense and you 99% of the time are in past tense which is good. Just always in the edit watch out for slipping like this. It can really lead to confusion for readers as tense controls a lot sentence flow wise.
Advanced critique: Transitions. This will get easier as you continue to improve in English. A lot of developing writers English or not have trouble with writing transitions. It is a lot ot visualize and control for story flow.
The first paragraph we have not much happens. It can be debated cutable. One hand it serves to give us some good dialogue of Ally and Azazel’s relationship which is great and could be expanded into a scene because it quickly ends and then boom we are in the school scene. The school scene starts the chapter more strongly.
We then have some good dialogue and talk until the ball rang and then boom Ally and Azazel in the dorm.
So lot of thinking as you improve on English and building scene and expanding them. Transitions move better when they occur naturally. What I mean by this is the story flows scene to scene into another through the character’s actions. It is a skill to develop.
“After a while” this called a temporal. After a while changes time. Temporal are weak transitions as usually there is an action that can be done instead. In this case instead of saying after a while and then action. Ally and Azazel could simply do the blanket snuggle. That action caused the transition without the need to say that. Basically temporals like this interrupt the flow to tells us something instead of the thing happening. As I said, advanced English thoughts, but if you can make it happen instead of telling it, it is always stronger.
As you continue to improve there is plenty of room too for how characters and scene looks like so feel free to expand adjectives and actions to help show scene and character. Take it all one step at a time though.
Good luck.
Most the issues are mechanical and as you have said English is not your first language so just come to improving things and learning rules.
So the big thing is dialogue tags.
“You know what… (if the dialogue cuts off use … instead)” Azazel said as she wrapped her arms around Ally and rolled off the bed, “Comfy now?”
So any time someone is doing the action of speaking use a comma and don’t capitalize the tag as it is the same part of the dialogue.
Some examples:
“Mmmyes.” Replied Ally. (incorrect)
“Mmmyes,” replied Ally. (Correct)
“Wow.” Said Azazel,
“Wow,” said Azazel,
“Close enough.”Azazel’s Teacher said.
“Close enough,”Azazel’s teacher said.
As you continue to improve in English think about new ways to approach sentences. There is a lot of repeat of Azazel and Ally “blanking” (doing stuff) to start sentences. Feel free to experiment with starting sentences with other nouns, adjectives, and verbs as you feel ready for it and improve.
“It even allows you to have multiple majors.” ~ In English fiction writing this called the royal “you” and something to avoid in fiction writing. There is nobody talking to the audience in a story like this and it create problems. Just a habit to avoid. There are story types for it but the story you have here and stories like it there is no reason for it.
Just a grammer issue of important note: “She gets changed in the bathroom.” She got changed in the bathroom (correct.) This is a struggle for non-English speakers, but an important one. A story like this needs to be in the past tense and you 99% of the time are in past tense which is good. Just always in the edit watch out for slipping like this. It can really lead to confusion for readers as tense controls a lot sentence flow wise.
Advanced critique: Transitions. This will get easier as you continue to improve in English. A lot of developing writers English or not have trouble with writing transitions. It is a lot ot visualize and control for story flow.
The first paragraph we have not much happens. It can be debated cutable. One hand it serves to give us some good dialogue of Ally and Azazel’s relationship which is great and could be expanded into a scene because it quickly ends and then boom we are in the school scene. The school scene starts the chapter more strongly.
We then have some good dialogue and talk until the ball rang and then boom Ally and Azazel in the dorm.
So lot of thinking as you improve on English and building scene and expanding them. Transitions move better when they occur naturally. What I mean by this is the story flows scene to scene into another through the character’s actions. It is a skill to develop.
“After a while” this called a temporal. After a while changes time. Temporal are weak transitions as usually there is an action that can be done instead. In this case instead of saying after a while and then action. Ally and Azazel could simply do the blanket snuggle. That action caused the transition without the need to say that. Basically temporals like this interrupt the flow to tells us something instead of the thing happening. As I said, advanced English thoughts, but if you can make it happen instead of telling it, it is always stronger.
As you continue to improve there is plenty of room too for how characters and scene looks like so feel free to expand adjectives and actions to help show scene and character. Take it all one step at a time though.
Good luck.
>They talked for a long time before the bell rang.
You've done this a few times and although you generally don't need to fill in every word said, we're still trying to get to know these characters. It would be good to summarize the subjects talked about, important points covered (if any), and also note the tone of the conversion. The reader wants to learn about your characters and understand how they relate to oneanother and each of those details helps. Maybe Karma shares about a hobby or describes a music show she went to recently. It also wouldn't be a bad time to give basics like how Sal and Karma met, for example, even if you add further details to that later after just giving a general description. At least a brief mention of how they met seems like a natural thing that might come out when introducing Ally to them for the first time.
I had to look back at previous chapters to find the details about Azazel's family to conclude she was talking about her father when she has Darla and says "I miss him so much" without specifying who. Although a real conversation wouldn't necessarily include Ally specifying who, it wouldn't feel out of place, either, especially since she only knew the doll was from the father, not that it was a gift from him before he died. Little considerations like that help readers follow since it may be a few weeks between chapters. Anyhow, I'm curious now what happened to him. I'm assuming this event was either recent or traumatic in a way that Azazel hasn't been able to process. It's of course heart-melting that Ally is willing to be an adult for a sec and try to help her with that. I'm even wondering if addressing her own issues is one of the motivations for Azazel to go into studying psych in the first place... I'm told that's actually pretty common.
Anyways I'm excited to read more. This continues to be an interesting world. I'm also quite curious about Ally's family. It occurred to me that she must have grown up pretty sheltered since she didn't know what eidoism actually is. I suppose... unless it's especially uncommon in this world?
You've done this a few times and although you generally don't need to fill in every word said, we're still trying to get to know these characters. It would be good to summarize the subjects talked about, important points covered (if any), and also note the tone of the conversion. The reader wants to learn about your characters and understand how they relate to oneanother and each of those details helps. Maybe Karma shares about a hobby or describes a music show she went to recently. It also wouldn't be a bad time to give basics like how Sal and Karma met, for example, even if you add further details to that later after just giving a general description. At least a brief mention of how they met seems like a natural thing that might come out when introducing Ally to them for the first time.
I had to look back at previous chapters to find the details about Azazel's family to conclude she was talking about her father when she has Darla and says "I miss him so much" without specifying who. Although a real conversation wouldn't necessarily include Ally specifying who, it wouldn't feel out of place, either, especially since she only knew the doll was from the father, not that it was a gift from him before he died. Little considerations like that help readers follow since it may be a few weeks between chapters. Anyhow, I'm curious now what happened to him. I'm assuming this event was either recent or traumatic in a way that Azazel hasn't been able to process. It's of course heart-melting that Ally is willing to be an adult for a sec and try to help her with that. I'm even wondering if addressing her own issues is one of the motivations for Azazel to go into studying psych in the first place... I'm told that's actually pretty common.
Anyways I'm excited to read more. This continues to be an interesting world. I'm also quite curious about Ally's family. It occurred to me that she must have grown up pretty sheltered since she didn't know what eidoism actually is. I suppose... unless it's especially uncommon in this world?
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