Mei Zheng's friends might be surprised to learn their lackadaisical friend Mei was secretly the superhero Problem Panda.

Or maybe not. She didn't wear a mask and how many pink haired pandas were there around? Okay, it was a popular look but still. She didn't really try to hide her identity. Because she wasn't really trying to be a superhero.

She received a combat bodysuit from some anonymous benefactor so now she had to drop everything she was doing whenever an opportunity came up to fight for truth, justice, queen and country?

Heck no! She had classes!

But she wasn't the kind of girl to just watch the city get flattened by a giant raccoon with a basketball either. Or stand by for other less serious but still calamitous disasters. Or things would happen around her and she'd get drawn in.

Usually she ignored the small things, the petty crimes. Getting involved on a whim didn't always go well for her.

But when she was walking around downtown and happened to see a raccoon (non-giant, non-basketball playing) slip inside an upper story window, Mei decided to do something about it.

Mei didn't want to stereotype but the racoon was carrying a giant sack with a dollar sign on it. Almost just for the novelty of that, Mei decided to thwart whatever was going on here.

There weren't any phone booths or convenient closets so Mei had to change into her costume and hope nobody saw her getting naked in public. This whole super suit based superhero life was inconvenient but Mei couldn't wear the costume under regular clothes in the summer. She'd sweat to death!

By the time Mei changed and flew up to the building, the raccoon was leaving the way she came with that dollar sign sack full.

Problem Panda didn't bother introducing herself or going into a 'not so fast, evildoer' speech. She couldn't improvise worth a damn and why give up the element of surprise?

She just grabbed the surprised raccoon right off the ledge by the collar of her sweater and held her over empty air so she had nowhere to go even if she wriggled free.

"Making a withdrawal at the bank, eh? Maybe wait for normal business hours!" Problem Panda said, now that she'd had some time to think of something to say.

The raccoon sputtered in anger. "Bank? Excuse you! I was robbing a penthouse vault! Belonging to some dink with more money than he knows what to do with! Is that a crime?"

"Yes," Mei said. "Obviously."

"You're not even supposed to be here," the raccoon complained, glaring at the superhero. "This is mixing genres. I'm wacky crime hijinxes and you're cape business. Go stop someone with a death ray and leave an honest thief alone to ply her craft!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Rachael sighed. "How about this: you let me go and I give you a cut? I'll let you rummage around my sack and keep as much as you can hold? I bet crimefighting doesn't pay so well."

"No," said Mei. Although she was tempted for a second. Tuition was the real robbery. But she had the strong moral center of someone who didn't think you could pay for tuition in cash without arousing suspicion. Plus, if she wanted to become corrupt, she'd probably have done it by now.

"How about I seduce you into letting me go?"

"No!"

The raccoon seemed to give up, sullenly dangling from Mei's fist. Mei wondered what she was actually supposed to do with her. Just toss her into the prison yard? Or was there paperwork? Every other time Mei successfully superheroed at something, she didn't have to get the authorities involved. Or just took off without waiting for them.

The raccoon reluctantly spoke up again before Mei figured out what to do.

"What if I said it was for a good cause?" asked the raccoon.

"You don't look like Robin Hood to me," said Mei. "Though maybe its because he was a bird and you're a raccoon. Are you going to give that money sack to the poor?"

"What'd the poor ever do for me?" asked the raccoon. "I'm the good cause!"

This didn't impress Mei but the raccoon continued, voice thick with emotion.

"I'm not stealing just because I'm greedy. I'm in a difficult spot and I don't have any other skills to rely on. I'm... stealing for two..."

The raccoon's eyes flicked down to where her midriff was exposed by the sweater being pulled up. Mei's eyes followed Rachael's but the raccoon wriggled to let the sweater ride up more - exposing and activating a smoke bomb that had been taped to her stomach.

Problem Panda reflexively brought her hands in front of her face and- and the sweater was hanging empty from her hand. When the smoke cleared there was no raccoon to be seen.

Horrified, Mei looked down, afraid she'd see road pizza raccoon but there was nothing below but traffic.

Hisssssss

The panda turned towards that sound and saw the now topless raccoon perched on the ledge holding a can of spray paint.

"That's public indecency," Mei pointed out. "You're just piling up the crimes."

"The real crime is hiding these," Rachael countered.

"Wait, what were you painting?" She turned around and around in midair and craned her head trying to make it out. "Did you graffiti RR on my ass?" Mei asked indignantly. "Do you know how hard it is to get stains off this suit?"

"The Ringtail Rascal was here!" explained the Ringtail Rascal. She grabbed the giant money sack and set off another smoke bomb. When the smoke cleared, the thief was gone.

Leaving Mei with nothing for her time but regret and annoyance and a nice looking sweater that wasn't her size.

If she had some kind of secret lair with trophies of past capers and victories and defeats, maybe she'd put the sweater in a display case to remind her not to get drawn into conversation in the future.

She didn't so she just tossed the sweater into a clothes for the needy bin.

And would soon discover that her own clothes had vanished from the alley where she'd left them.

Mei had liked those pants. Now she regretted even getting involved.

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Mei Zheng and Rachael Reynard owned by me
Art by  kaemantis