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Inconspicuous
I must behave myself
For somebody else
Who may have a little fame, fortune and wealth
It's so ridiculous
But the strife and the bliss
Will go right on through, right on through me
To have missed
A world that seems not for me
So privately, I'll be invisible
That way, I won't have to explain a thing, if you know what I mean
I won't even have to be here, on the scene https://youtu.be/ixEZRawZ5Xw Somewhere about like month ago I decided to relisten to Curtis Mayfield's «Sweet Exorcist» and accidentally «To Be Invisible» hit me hard - this time I really felt the message behind the lyrics.
I appeared to have anxiety disorder - that means that every second of my existing I either feel anxious about something or have anxiety as background noise. Though I taking antidepressants and feel way better now than I did few weeks ago, I - obviously - still dealing with that issue.
And thing is, I lost interest to public activity. Of course, I never had really wide audience, but I used to post stuff since I was 14 y.o. teenager and I always felt excited about showing art, telling about worlds and characters I created to people and making texts and photos for my non-art blogs and Instagram stories. When I became older and art stopped being just hobby I did from time to time, but became subject I studied and my only job, I liked to join stuff like markets, exhibitions, presentations, competitions, I learned people how to art on master classes or occasional private lessons.
Through years I predictably earned bunch of haters: people often were writing me shit in comments or DMs and there was no aspect of my life which wasn't poured by shit - from my appearance and makeups, romantic relationships and friendships, my background and my mental issues, to my characters, stories and art skills.
And you know, when I quit using Instagram (now recognized as extremist app in Russia thanks to allowance of Meta to wish death to Russians in comments when it's prohibited in any other cases), became less active online and stopped to write thoughtful posts about my characters, I felt way better. When I wasn't online and was silently drawing commissions it was great feeling. Nobody blamed how I live, what I draw, how I act, how I look, how I talk, how I walk, with whom I'm in touch. And it was weird and in some way sad thing to realize, because I liked to be autobiographical and talk about movements of my soul going on when I draw personal projects.
I lost understanding what is valuable in my life, because my world appeared to get shattered with the billion problems in my country, fear of new Stalin-inspired laws in progress and fear to lost ability to pay for living - not to mention hate to Russians spreading all over the world (so you're unwelcome everywhere). And with losing that I started to wonder how it would be - to be regular person with daily job without need of presence yourself to the world. How it would be like to live without stress about art, posting things, stopping audience growth? Without gossips, hate in DMs and people casually chatting about your loser personal life or details of romance with someone or your faults? Without hearing you're ugly and will never find love? Without hater comments to your projects? Just living regular life hidden from hundreds of eyes?
Because of my job I'll never know. And I have no idea how I want to act online now and if I want to share some of my thoughts (like now) from time to time. But I feel this song deeply. Please, consider supporting my art on Boosty in these dark times!
Booosty https://boosty.to/iceberglonely
Booosty Iceberg © me | Patreon with exclusive art | Boosty | Personal project Telegram | Personal project VK
Category Artwork (Digital) / All
Species Chicken
Size 994 x 1280px
File Size 175.4 kB
Listed in Folders
*hugs* Stay strong buddy.
The bullshit going on in 2022 and russia's bad history has never made me stop loving my friends from Russia.
I don't know you in real life. But it's not right for people to abuse citizens or people of birth who live or came from a country that is corrupt. It's not their fault, it's not your fault and to anyone else who reads this in the future who's had some discrimination before... It's not your fault to.
In 2020 alot of asians and chinese got tons of hate cus of the covid pandemic. BLM in 2020 caused some racist issues again, Even the middle east wars has made people say negative words on those related to those cultures.
It's just not right for them to get tons of abuse because of their government or a bunch of jerks who did some nasty shit.
I am scared for the future but in these dark years I must be that man of light to help or encourage others.
The bullshit going on in 2022 and russia's bad history has never made me stop loving my friends from Russia.
I don't know you in real life. But it's not right for people to abuse citizens or people of birth who live or came from a country that is corrupt. It's not their fault, it's not your fault and to anyone else who reads this in the future who's had some discrimination before... It's not your fault to.
In 2020 alot of asians and chinese got tons of hate cus of the covid pandemic. BLM in 2020 caused some racist issues again, Even the middle east wars has made people say negative words on those related to those cultures.
It's just not right for them to get tons of abuse because of their government or a bunch of jerks who did some nasty shit.
I am scared for the future but in these dark years I must be that man of light to help or encourage others.
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