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A Zootopia fanfiction request for norozco18.
He wanted Nick, Wolford, Gary, and Larry together for a guys' night out, being off-duty. Primarily, he wanted them to get drunk and visit a carnival where they make fun of each other's reflections in a hall of mirrors. He called it the cartoon "Bone Trouble" meets "Berenstain Bears in the House of Mirrors" meets AndrewJohnston7's "Canine Love" and IronicSnap's "Puppy Dog Eyes". I looked up the latter two, only to get next to nothing about those users on deviantART or FurAffinity. So, sorry I don't feature references to those.
I took the SFW intention seriously, avoiding swearing. And yet, the characters get wasted. I got it all out of order, though: I made it that the characters get together, then go to the carnival, and get drunk as they explore it. I tried being a little realistic, showing alcohol affecting them differently. When first completing, I didn't have enough signs of being drunk or enough mirrors. The games and rides before then remain intact. Another difficulty is the comedy. I might write jokes, but I don't always intend to.
Though I wrote every weekday, this took me two weeks.
Critiques are appreciated.
He wanted Nick, Wolford, Gary, and Larry together for a guys' night out, being off-duty. Primarily, he wanted them to get drunk and visit a carnival where they make fun of each other's reflections in a hall of mirrors. He called it the cartoon "Bone Trouble" meets "Berenstain Bears in the House of Mirrors" meets AndrewJohnston7's "Canine Love" and IronicSnap's "Puppy Dog Eyes". I looked up the latter two, only to get next to nothing about those users on deviantART or FurAffinity. So, sorry I don't feature references to those.
I took the SFW intention seriously, avoiding swearing. And yet, the characters get wasted. I got it all out of order, though: I made it that the characters get together, then go to the carnival, and get drunk as they explore it. I tried being a little realistic, showing alcohol affecting them differently. When first completing, I didn't have enough signs of being drunk or enough mirrors. The games and rides before then remain intact. Another difficulty is the comedy. I might write jokes, but I don't always intend to.
Though I wrote every weekday, this took me two weeks.
Critiques are appreciated.
Category Story / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 91.7 kB
Listed in Folders
Not much to say, improving a lot.
Again, make sure to indent all your paragraphs, not just the first line. So every new or change in speaker, action or idea, indent that.
Just some small things to build on. Temporal are weaker transitions: "Then, he saw the time on his digital clock radio."
To help them thrive, starting with character worse aids them: "He then saw the time on his digital clock radio." So inverting temporal like this makes them stronger.
It is areas like this you can turn into italic thoughts to shape them to be stronger showing over just being told.
"He didn’t want to be kicked out mid-ride over something his friends would do."
Tags:
"Hearing that, Gary asked, “Forty shells? What for?”"
Nick said, “I feel like I could jump only to flip.”
Gary objected, “Don’t go into detail about your kisses.”
Gary replied, “We gotta ride a spinning one.”
Do not put the tag first in dialogue. It is a form of telling as you are telling us they are saying something before it is said and audience perceives audio first in real life.
Plenty of room for character and environment description to build on, but your eternal character work is very good.
Again, make sure to indent all your paragraphs, not just the first line. So every new or change in speaker, action or idea, indent that.
Just some small things to build on. Temporal are weaker transitions: "Then, he saw the time on his digital clock radio."
To help them thrive, starting with character worse aids them: "He then saw the time on his digital clock radio." So inverting temporal like this makes them stronger.
It is areas like this you can turn into italic thoughts to shape them to be stronger showing over just being told.
"He didn’t want to be kicked out mid-ride over something his friends would do."
Tags:
"Hearing that, Gary asked, “Forty shells? What for?”"
Nick said, “I feel like I could jump only to flip.”
Gary objected, “Don’t go into detail about your kisses.”
Gary replied, “We gotta ride a spinning one.”
Do not put the tag first in dialogue. It is a form of telling as you are telling us they are saying something before it is said and audience perceives audio first in real life.
Plenty of room for character and environment description to build on, but your eternal character work is very good.
A great example of paragraph structure is here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46363944/
Not sure what you mean about the dialogue.
If you mean inverting the telling
Nick said, “I feel like I could jump only to flip.”
versus
“I feel like I could jump only to flip,” Nick said,
It is a serious writing issue that greatly effects time sense and audience perception. The tag first is a big writing telling no no.
Your final two questions.
What do you mean by progression?
Characters acting is little concern. It all depends on the story you wish to tell and what your characters are in the story. Your goal.
What you have here is a basic character interaction and it s fine for the story. Garry and Larry have their relationship. We don't see Nick drunk in the film and can only make that up. They are at a theme parking having fun and that is what matter. More action/reacting with description could help reinforce it, but that is fine in its current state too. Judy and Nick's relationship at the end feels just as real at the end of the film as it does now. Zootopia is not a complex film character wise and thus the writer can expand characters in many ways and there is a lot of wiggle room.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46363944/
Not sure what you mean about the dialogue.
If you mean inverting the telling
Nick said, “I feel like I could jump only to flip.”
versus
“I feel like I could jump only to flip,” Nick said,
It is a serious writing issue that greatly effects time sense and audience perception. The tag first is a big writing telling no no.
Your final two questions.
What do you mean by progression?
Characters acting is little concern. It all depends on the story you wish to tell and what your characters are in the story. Your goal.
What you have here is a basic character interaction and it s fine for the story. Garry and Larry have their relationship. We don't see Nick drunk in the film and can only make that up. They are at a theme parking having fun and that is what matter. More action/reacting with description could help reinforce it, but that is fine in its current state too. Judy and Nick's relationship at the end feels just as real at the end of the film as it does now. Zootopia is not a complex film character wise and thus the writer can expand characters in many ways and there is a lot of wiggle room.
Not referring to this story, but I wonder if someone could say something differently or a line could be taken out.
As for progression: do you think any transitions are out of nowhere? Does anything make no sense to you? Do any statements that follow make the telling come off as clunky?
As for progression: do you think any transitions are out of nowhere? Does anything make no sense to you? Do any statements that follow make the telling come off as clunky?
Well, dialogue depends on purpose. It is not my strong suit due to how I construct purpose. I don't notice anything really out of character, weird, or bad. You have dialogue that chains naturally with reaction.
Transitions: This depends on purpose and style within a story and its purpose. As mentioned the temporal are weak transitions. This coupled with some more open narrative that could be reinforced as weaker areas due to a lack of narrator here. This is stuff that comes with writing practice and time. Continuing to develop your action description will help and improve transitions. I will send you a note with a transition break down so you can explore and think on it. You do though want to avoid telling anything writing, the goal to show. So yes, temporal and things can be.
Transitions: This depends on purpose and style within a story and its purpose. As mentioned the temporal are weak transitions. This coupled with some more open narrative that could be reinforced as weaker areas due to a lack of narrator here. This is stuff that comes with writing practice and time. Continuing to develop your action description will help and improve transitions. I will send you a note with a transition break down so you can explore and think on it. You do though want to avoid telling anything writing, the goal to show. So yes, temporal and things can be.
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