This is a vent piece I commissioned from  Lenika

In oct of 2021 I said goodbye to a close friend and brother  Ahzlon

His passing hit everyone that knew him hard. We never imagined in a million years that we would lose him. One would have though that his passing would have brought us closer together, however the actions of certain individuals caused fractures and splinters within the local community, that is still painfully felt today.

Rather then rallying together, there was fighting, an odd struggle for power at an insanely inappropriate time, demands, shady behavior, lies that destroyed friendships, and too much asshattery/misdirected anger.

During this time, I kept my mouth shut, both out of respect and because it was asked of me. So, I sat and watched as some acted monstrously, especially one individual. I thought this is just how people grieve, it will all work out in the end, and we’ll all come together.

This was not to be the case.

I wanted to mourn the passing of someone who was more of a brother than my blood brothers.

When I was unable to locate a resident due to my roommate deciding to live solo the day we had to sign a lease, leaving me unable to locate a place before I had to move out, Ahzlon opened his door and allowed me to room with him until I could find a place to live.

So many long nights were spent gaming, watching shows, or talking about anything or everything. Most of the times the conversations were light, other times they were heavy. We leaned on one another during difficult/emotional times and pranked each other during lighter moments. But one thing was a constant, whenever either of us were getting into things, the other was holding right beside them.
When things in his life started falling apart, I did my best to keep his chin up and helped however and whenever I could.

We made plans to travel, attend conventions, brew beer, plan out parties, days to grill/smoke meat…his diagnosis came shortly after.

It was a hard fight, we were confident we would beat it, even in the middle of a pandemic. I still feel like I didn’t do enough and if I had done more maybe things would have been different. I never prepared myself mentally or emotionally for any outcome that didn’t involve Ahzlon beating cancer, because I could not/did not want to imagine a scenario where I would have to say good bye.

And even when it became a painful reality, I did not want to.

But I did, and as I did it, it felt like all the joy was being sucked out of my life and I was drowning, just barely keeping my head above water. The words were heavy and I tried not to cry, but we both did. Promises were made and I swore to do what he asked of me, even if some people hated me for it.

He promised to get the con room ready, and I promised that whatever comes next, I would find him and we would toast to reunion with his favorite homebrew.

He left us soon after.

So here I am, swirling with emotions, angry with individuals that decided to behave like greedy children, upset with a healthcare system that failed him, angry at a lawyer that failed to protect and execute his last will and testament, and at those that shredded it and used it for toilet paper.

His lose devastates me beyond words, I am depressed I will never see him or hear that stupid laugh again, confused/upset as to why people are not upset with those that behaved…poorly despite everything.

August 5th would have been his birthday, this the first year we will be without him. Mine occurs closely after the 5th, and for the past several years we celebrated them together. I didn’t really celebrate my birthday prior, I only really celebrated it because he wanted to, and that small act made me feel valid, and I know that’s stupid to say, but if you know what I have been through it makes sense.

I laugh and smile but it’s mostly just for show, a thin veneer for those around me.

The truth is, things are just not as fun without you.

RIP Ahzlon, you are dearly missed.