A little vent... It was a doodle at first, that I later decided to turn into a full rendered piece.

Sorry, but I don't feel like hiding how I've been, what I went through.
But just in case, have a Trigger Warning: SUICIDE MENTION BELOW. And overall, heavy stuff.
Simply don't read below, if you're not interested in my life.

Things in my life spiralled down the moment I realized all my actions and feelings have been affected by my trauma from the past relationship, which I ended 5 years ago.
All this time I've been telling myself I don't need love, because it would only bring me hurt and pain. Now I'm jealous of my very close friend, who found a partner...

A lot of things had happened in the past year for me. Things that were mentally heavy. So on the 7th of July those things have come to a culmination. I couldn't feel happy anymore despite spending my time in fun ways with my friends. I've felt hurt, and I thought that I am doomed for the rest of my life to live with the trauma. For a whole year I've been holding myself back, because what my friends and family would do without me? Well, that day it didn't matter to me anymore... I took the steps to take away my life, and I didn't succeed. Some stranger found me at night on an empty sidewalk (long story how I got there), unable to get up on my legs. Although he thought I might be just drunk, he still called an ambulance.

At the hospital, for the next 3 days I still felt suicidal. I kept taking naps, only to be waking up to a feeling of not belonging to this world. "I should have been dead".
After those 3 days, I calmed down... I came back to my senses, I regretted attempting suicide. I felt grateful for being alive. They took me to a psychiatric ward, where I spent 5 weeks.
Sadly, it didn't last long.

During those 5 weeks, I got home passes a few times, during which I worked on commissions. However, one day I began to feel suicidal again, and if not for my mom being with me, I could have tried again.
The thing is... Since that day, I don't feel alright. I may be not attempting it again anytime soon, but the thought of not wanting to live anymore, it keeps being at the back of my head. I feel its presence every day.

I have no idea what it's gonna take for me to feel happy again.