ever since i was a kid, i've wanted to work at an organization that dealt with space work. it didn't matter if it was NASA, or aerojet rocketdyne, or ULA, or some distant third or fourth-tier supplier that only made the fasteners that got installed in a rocket. if i could be part of the system that puts stuff (or people, even) into space, then i wanted to do be there for it.

yesterday, i rejected an offer to work at one of the most prestigious space companies in the world.

i thought that i had made my decision before they had even sent me the offer. this company is known for terrific engineering feats bordering on the impossible, making space flight not only common, but absolutely mundane (can you believe people say that falcon 9 launches are boring nowadays?). this can only be done by a company with engineers who are young and focused and talented and driven. this kind of environment was something i've been searching for a very long time.

but still, even with the amount of money promised, i rejected them. my old ideals and my old wishes had changed. i had believed for so long that i would be willing to work 60 hours a week, saturdays and sundays to make incredible things happen, but when actually offered the opportunity, i no longer felt that same motivation. i had grown older; i had gained responsibilities - a loving partner who i want to spend the rest of my time with, aging parents whose health is failing, valued friends who i'd be leaving behind, passion projects that i want to see through to the end...

had i been offered the opportunity six or seven years ago, when i had no friends, no responsibilities, and all of the drive in the world, i would have gladly accepted. but the opportunity arriving now and not then has forced me to realize how the reality of my situation and what i've learned to value in life have changed. what i want to experience is orthogonal to the responsibilities of this job.

maybe i'm weak. maybe i'm too comfortable with my life right now, unwilling to take risks or challenge the comforts i've won through ceaseless effort. maybe i will have regrets about this later on in my life.

but the decision, despite how difficult it has been to arrive at it, feels correct for now. i will defer my dream for the sake of myself and those around me.

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art by ravenghautsi