This is all really good information!

It sure is a difficult situation.

I sometimes wonder about the relationship between you and I, even. Like, we've only spoken a few times privately, and you respond to me sometimes here or on Twitter or whatever, but I dunno what you think of all that.

Should we be setting up clear boundaries? Are we less close than I think? Am I a creepy stalker and don't know it? It's tough to tell for me, with my own mental issues.

I also feel sympathetic. I've been with my found family online for over 10 years, but occasionally stuff happens and it seems endangered, like we're going to break apart. It's the scariest heccing thing, but I don't have your condition... It's hard to imagine how it feels for you to experience these things, but clearly it was bad enough to shatter your mind and send you tumbling off into madness.

I'm glad you survived, and you're still trying to get back together.

Relee you seem like a lovely individual and I appreciate seeing your comments every time. I'm just not always sure how to respond. In this case I at least can.

If you want to set boundaries, I'm perfectly fine with it. An unless you end up outside of my front door one day I don't think you're a stalker lol.

That's kind of refreshing to hear. I keep being told things can't be the same, or that I have to wait a long time to reach out again. However we had a realization last night that instead of filing a no contact or retraining order they just threatened to and left the window open. They want us to get better, and reach out. (I hope)

We were together for 6ish months and got really close before all this. #16 will go a bit into what i did but I'm ok talking about it here too.

I apologized for the things I did.. but it wasn't so much that, that did the damage as much as it was how much I was hurting myself and denying help that did the damage...

They didn't fail but the over apologizing and first attempts at asking for help drove home that they did. So what they saw was someone they love and care about actively harming themself, pushing away, and begging for help.

Which was the abuse in this situation... they already know I didn't mean to run or say the things I did. But I'm abusing and hurting them... by hurting myself and not getting help or allowing it.

An then on top of that I kept pushing, alter or no. It's still me and we kept trying to talk to them when they asked for space. We have it under control now but the damage was still done.

So all we can really do is look at ourself, and try and figure out if we've got enough control to talk or not yet. An if enough time has passed.

I don't think I'm likely to show up at your front door one day. If that was even something I was capable of, I'd at least ask first. XD

Mostly I worry about talking with folks online, since I'm never clear if they think of me as an aquaintance, a fan, or an actual friend or anything else. Of course, if they have something against me, I couldn't know either, and that's happened before.

It does seem like a lot of bad stuff happened between you and your found family. I'm glad they didn't do the restraining order stuff. But also, I'm not sure that would have helped. The reason you were contacting them wasn't a decision you made, so even if legal action was taken against you, if you were going to do it again you'd do it again, without your control.

If you haven't yet, I think it could be useful to set up your own blocks between you and them, something you'd need to ask a friend to unlock for you. That way you can't contact them if you lose control of yourself.

That's kinda what we ended up doing. I had my phone taken away at night but when dissociated I'd go looking for it anyway?? I'd also argue about it since it was technically mine. This was primarily during the time I was wanting to threaten them.