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It hasn't been easy at all.. and I'm still feeling really fucked up. I hate what I've learned and how I did, I hate that its effected this all so heavily. I feel so lost and isolated despite so many people having reached out. I some how have more friends than ever but feel more alone than I ever have. An it hurts, it hurts more than any hit I've ever taken. Any stab or burn I've ever had... I felt safe for the first time, my life was getting better far beyond what I had ever imagined. I finally belonged somewhere and I was cared for. An somehow... Somehow my bio parents reached in and ripped it away. They didn't even need to be there, this was done long ago. One last fuck you kid.
I still can't believe it, I can't believe they could have that big of an effect. An learning all these steps, all these answers, I can still at the end of improvement be told "no".. a final win for my bio family. An I'll never see my found family again.
I feel so fucking lost in this storm.
I still can't believe it, I can't believe they could have that big of an effect. An learning all these steps, all these answers, I can still at the end of improvement be told "no".. a final win for my bio family. An I'll never see my found family again.
I feel so fucking lost in this storm.
Category Artwork (Digital) / Doodle
Species Pokemon
Size 1280 x 1280px
File Size 260.1 kB
Its a lot of things. I want to run away still, I want this pain to go away, I want to do anything that stops this, but the ball isn't in my court outside of recovering and learning to manage my BPD and CPTSD. All I can do is hope and pray for understanding.
Right now I'm scary as all hell, I have these abilities and ways I can completely ruin them. I could force them to come back, but that's the most fucked thing I can do. I'd just be making a broken family and I don't want that. I don't want to burn anyone, I want to create friendly and loving warmth.
Its a long road, but I don't have to be at the end of it to see them? I just have to be good enough that I can ask if they'll walk with me. Cause right now I'm not well enough for even that. An I won't be for another 2 or 4 weeks ><.. An then its up to them, no reaching out from me. I don't want to harm them by poking like I did when I had no idea what was happening.
Right now I'm scary as all hell, I have these abilities and ways I can completely ruin them. I could force them to come back, but that's the most fucked thing I can do. I'd just be making a broken family and I don't want that. I don't want to burn anyone, I want to create friendly and loving warmth.
Its a long road, but I don't have to be at the end of it to see them? I just have to be good enough that I can ask if they'll walk with me. Cause right now I'm not well enough for even that. An I won't be for another 2 or 4 weeks ><.. An then its up to them, no reaching out from me. I don't want to harm them by poking like I did when I had no idea what was happening.
Yeah there's a lot of danger when you open your heart and home to someone. They put themselves at tremendous risk bringing you into their lives. You didn't know how broken you were any more than they did, and things went south. If you lacked what self control you've shown so far, things could indeed be even worse. You are capable of mastering yourself, and it will take time.
But yeah, with your BPD and them as your favorite people, seperate by neccesity for so long, you must be going through hell just from that, before addressing your irl habitat and stuff...
But yeah, with your BPD and them as your favorite people, seperate by neccesity for so long, you must be going through hell just from that, before addressing your irl habitat and stuff...
It sucks lol, like I reconnected with a lot of folks, and a lot more reached out. Some have shown insane compassion and caring. It all feels so hollow though? Like I'm using them just for a moment to feel better. Where as with my loved ones I actually felt understood for once.
As for the self control bit, the moment my brain swapped into "HURT THEM" mode, I instantly aimed to put a stop to that shit. It's bad enough I did it by accident when self harming but doing it on purpose? Whole different level of "this isn't fucking happening" and incidentally was when I started figuring out how to catch stuff early. Cause I never want to hurt people normally. So having that anger swell was just so new it was easy to spot.
As for the self control bit, the moment my brain swapped into "HURT THEM" mode, I instantly aimed to put a stop to that shit. It's bad enough I did it by accident when self harming but doing it on purpose? Whole different level of "this isn't fucking happening" and incidentally was when I started figuring out how to catch stuff early. Cause I never want to hurt people normally. So having that anger swell was just so new it was easy to spot.
Yeah. A dear friend of mine has said before that he's naturally evil, and has to fight against it all the time. He says it's because his parents were bad, and their parents, and he inherited it, but he's so angry about it that he absolutely refuses to be like them if he can help it. I think he does a good job at being good. <3
I think you're good too, for recognizing the bad parts of yourself and isolating and controlling them.
I think you're good too, for recognizing the bad parts of yourself and isolating and controlling them.
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