When I write, I find it a bit hard to strike a balance between being too descriptive and not descriptive enough. I don’t want to bog the story down with useless information that might never come back into the story, but I almost don’t want to be like, “he came into the room and sat down.”
But that’s just my two cents…

The story is formatted like a script, but written in a first person perspective, which makes it confusing to know who exactly is supposed to be the narrator. I would, at the very least, establish who the narrator is first. Either that or write the whole story in a third-person, omniscient perspective. That way you can delve into what each character is feeling.

As BoxerBriefz said, you mixed two types of writing together which usually stay separated for good reasons. A script-like structure (belonging to drama) and an actual narrative perspective (belonging to epic) contradict each other on many layers. I suggest you stick to the category of epic, unless you want to become a script writer for plays and movies.

Aside from that you should always keep in mind the number 1 guideline for writing: Show, don't tell. For example, when you have a character laughing in dialogue you don't need to tell that outside of dialogue, except when it's a special kind of laughter.

Also, advanced tip, less is more sometimes. When planning or describing a scene think about how relevant it is to the plot of the story. For example, when your plot is centered around two people chilling with each other, you don't need large descriptions of scenic views out of a window. While this example is harmless, you can ruin stories by fixating on unimportant things. I mean, imagine a superhero movie where half an hour is spend on architecture lessons.

It seems like you wrote this like a play, that's probably because you clearly state whoever is talking at a particular time, it's a unique style, but I'd just stick with the bog standard "_ Said" especially if you're just getting your feet wet, especially since it feels like you're jammed between writing either third or first person perspectives, it's very jarring to read. The formatting does not help the readability either. Also, I'm all for unique writing but putting faces and s p a c e s between words in your dialogue takes me out of it, you should implement it by describing the front being made, or how a character stretches out a specific word. and as FurryArtExpert has stated, at times, less is more and when it comes to description, you really need to nail it between too short and undescriptive and long, drawn out and bloated. I've seen far worse first attempts, and you've definitely got some potential to be a good writer, I think everyone does. Just make sure to keep at it and always make what you write public, so people are able to give you feedback.

The mixed formatting has already been covered by a couple people, so I'd like to bring up some points about the dialogue itself.

To be blunt, it's pretty stiff and doesn't have a natural flow to it. This can be fixed! To start, it should be clear who is speaking each line. In narrative formatting, this can be accomplished by simply adding "(person) said" after a piece of dialogue. You can also start with an action, and then use "(person) said" before the following dialogue.

Examples: "We're going to miss the bus home," I said. // I checked my watch and said, "We're going to miss the bus home."

Don't be afraid to use "said," either. It may seem repetitive and you may be enticed to reach for a thesaurus, but it is a word that readers will skip over and still entirely understand what's happening. If you want to draw attention to how something is said, and thus use less text on describing moods, you can swap it out with things like muttered, stuttered, shouted, etc.

Perhaps most importantly, you want the dialogue to read like words someone would actually speak. This does include punctuation mid-sentence at times, like commas. If you're not sure the dialogue flows well, try saying it out loud to yourself. Does it feel natural to speak? If not, you may need to revise it, or perhaps swap it out entirely.

Like the idea, but execution can use some polishing. Beyond what was mentioned, may I suggest also a little tool that has helped me a lot with my writing:
https://hemingwayapp.com/
Put in only one paragraph at a time, and don't take EVERY suggestion as a rule, but use it to help you figure out what is too wordy, what is not descriptive enough, and what an be clarified. Hope it helps!

Same as others, the split format is jarring. That being said, if you really want to have an hybrid format between script and epic, you can probably figure something out, but it'll be hard and some ppl would probably still get jarred.

I will say however, that if this is how your writing naturally come out, its a very good organized way to write for a first draft. I would keep writing this way and edit it to reformat and flow better.

Also, as for perspective, the idea behind 1st person is either to give the audience an insert to experience the story from (a lot of fantasy is written that way so the mc can act as a doorway) and, more importantly imo, its a way to really explore what makes a character tick, the difference is seeing how someone feels, and being in their head and hearing every thought. 3rd person allow for a more generally deeper understanding as you can show every character internal process more, in the trade off that non of them will probably be as deeply explored as a 1st person perspective character.

tip about perspective: you can write first person from multiple characters. The trick is to pick a standard way to change the view, and make it abundantly clear who is talking. The percy Jackson books do it well. The auther uses the change in chapters as a chance to change the narrator. The pitfall here is it's tempting to retrade a scene from every character pov, but this make the story just spin in place and not go anywhere.

Lastly, the first void part went nowhere and the jump you did is disorientating, you can't just tell your audience to ignore a the entire first part of your story. It's the same as saying "i shouldn't have put it in". The way I took it is that you didn't know how to introduce your characters, which is ok, it's something a lot of ppl struggle with, and i like the attempt at the creative solution. But it still needs to be tied in to the story.

All in all, I'd say it's good first try, i can see what you're trying to build and im interested to learn more. Advice is, keep this format as a first draft for you to work with, edit from and flow it better. pick a perspective to work from and ditch the 4th wall stuff unless you're gonna tie it to the story.

I'll put the whole formatting for the text aside since I'm usually PDF.

Now, the story itself isn't bad, and the interactions to me are sweet, but the way it's presented is a bit jarring.

Now normally even though I like to try and dip into all three 'persons' of writing, I usually go for third person so that I can do proper description, as explained by BoxerBriefz. Of course, like Nine1239 stated, it can be difficult to strike a balance between excessive description and none at all. I also personally believe that I need to work more on dialogue.

To ease the flow of dialogue, what could be done in my opinion is short descriptions of their expressions. In the same way one wouldn't want to read a literal wall of text explaining a situation, I don't think you want the readers to just see two or more people speaking as if the background beyond them just stops, which you have done a few times.

Naturally the need to state who's speaking before the dialogue happens also can cut into the story itself. What could be done is to state in the paragraph before who would be speaking, which would then let the dialogue after the first person speaks naturally switch back and forth if only two characters. For multiple, there can be the indicator after they spoke, even if only a simple sentence.

Of course, that's just my take on things, especially when I still feel I'm learning every time I write a new story or continue on old ideas. Overall, though, I did like the attempt.

Hope you have a good day/night.

Just gotta say I love these characters so far! The writing reminds me a bit of reading scripts back when I was in theatre, but for a beginner writer I think you're doing great! It was easy to imagine what the characters and settings looked like, as well as the cute interactions. The dialog is natural and flows well together, and you get a real sense of the characters personalities through how they talk and act. I definitely look forward to anything else you come up with!

As someone doing writing casually on here myself, I concur with most of the other comments about the jarring nature of the split between television/play script style writing and traditional narrative writing.

It's not that it can't work, but doing it and really making it work would require a delicate effort, which is not something I'd recommend going for on your very first attempt at serious writing.

I'll add an actual suggestion of advice though: Next time you try writing a story, write an outline first. It's basically to writing what an initial sketch is for the traditional artwork you normally do. There isn't really a right or wrong way to do an outline; it's just about getting down the simplest version of your ideas that you can understand when looking back on, so you that you can use the outline as a reference guide once you're actually writing the real thing. For me personally, I put simple notes about each of the important characters at the top of the outline, then follow that with the basic story beats of the story as I envision it when I'm writing the outline.

If you want to see some examples, I've uploaded pretty much all of my story outlines in my scraps folder of my gallery.