The description of that pizza gave me veteran-style flashbacks. The school I went to growing up had rectangular disappointment-pizza with little hard cubes of flavorless 'pepperoni'

This story is certainly a step up from the first one, nice and descriptive. When I write, I usually try to avoid real world brands and locations as well.
Also, canned pizza? Canned toothpaste? Canned water?! (Only a few of you will get that reference…)

Awww thats so sweet, but I was really looking for multiple paragraphs describing the terrible pizza at the end lmao

Yeah, there is a lot of improvement found in this story compared to the last one (which wasn't bad for a first attempt at this).

However, there is still room for more. First of, the whole first paragraph within those slashes isn't just unnecessary, but also a spoiler. You could remove it and lose nothing from it.
The next pointer is about paragraphs. You are currently way too generous with those, which defeats their purpose. The purpose of paragraphs is mainly to separate scenes or large segments into easy to read and still logical pieces. Imagine the paragraphs as some sort of cut to a next scene in a movie or something. If you cut every half a second it makes everything look messy again.

Another tip is about proofreading. There is a saying that the first draft of everything is shit, that applies to almost every writer, regardless of skill level, except maybe a few geniuses or something. I recommend after finishing the first draft to let it be for a day or two at least before proofreading it. That way you're likely to find more errors because your brain won't "auto-fix" them when you read your text. Even after that you may find an error or two a long time later, but 2 errors are better than 20.

Final comment, I like the Jojo reference. Everything is better with a Jojo reference.

Another good idea is to get someone else good to proofread it. They'll always have a different perspective and notice things that you don't.

Fun little story, though.

While that is true, not everyone can hire an editor tho.

I'm not talking about paying anyone. It can be pretty easy to get a friend or acquaintance to do it. I've volunteered to do it for a number of people on here, for instance.

That also has some limits tho. Both writer and editor would have to be willing to do that, for example.

Of course. I've offered help to people that didn't want it, for instance. That's their choice.

Yeah, you'll come to learn making good writing thumbnails can really be a pain until you nail it.

This one's definitely an improvement, though I still think the formatting is a bit weird. What processor are you using to write? (Microsoft Word, Notepad, Docs etc.) because it might be why your stuff is formatting weird.

Also your description was really good here, I actually felt disgusted when reading about the canned pizza, which means you're already getting the hang of description!

Also Yoyo's Ludicrous Escapade is an amazing JoJo reference, I love it.

Pizza in a fucking CAN.... WOW XD

Certainly an improvement, I think! Yeah, it does kinda read more like a comic put into text form than a proper book, but strictly speaking there's nothing wrong with that. It's a style choice, and if it's the style you like, then by all means. Personally, I'm impressed you actually have proper indents on your paragraphs; many of the casual writers on this site seem to forget those.

I did see a typo of, 'crest' instead of, 'crust', and one instance where you had Dawn and Jack both speak in the same paragraph, which is an error. The grammar isn't great, but nothing that pulls me out too much.

One thing I would suggest is try to keep your verb use grammatically consistent in the same sentence. Consider this part here from towards the end: Dawn and I snuggle up together on the couch, then pulling up the blanket to drape over both of us

To use 'pulling' in the same sentence as 'snuggle' and 'drape' comes across as jarring to read, in my opinion. I would have it as just 'pull' instead.

This is much better like everyone else is saying. The perspective is clear now.

And yeah, for stories on FA, the thumbnail will be tiny.

I would get rid of the indent for each paragraph, just so it reads better on this website.

Okay, this was a lovely upgrade from the previous story.

The formatting of text is still confusing though, I wonder why that's happening..