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You spent the majority of the day watching tv with Claire, and trying to learn how to use a bra. After an hour of painful and humiliating practice, you managed to figure out how to use one. Today was interesting. It was tough, and it was tiresome, and so, you went to bed before the sun set, with Claire. You woke up in the morning, with a sense of dread, knowing that you’re gonna have to fight again. You want to fight, you want to protect, you want to show your worth as a person, you want to use your new confidence, you’re very excited. But at the same time, Zodd left you with a taste in your mouth that you can’t get rid of. You hope you don’t have another run in with him again, or at least you have Nikita when the time comes. You wake Claire and tell her it’s time. She gets up groggily, and begins asking what you woke her for. You tell her You’re gonna have to go out and fight again soon. She then hugs you and pulls you closer to her, asking for you to please stay.
“Claire, I signed up for this.” you say
“Maybe you can convince Adam to let you off.” she replies
“To my knowledge I’m the only one with something that is guaranteed to kill something.”
“Still”
“I gotta go soon, and we both know-” you begin, almost getting to the part about being teleported, and then getting teleported. You get the white flash and then when things fade in, everyone is back in the box.
“Adam, what the-” you begin, and then see Clint fall from around ten feet in the air, right in front of you
“Fuck!” Clint yells, arching his back and rolling around
“Adam, I think we got here too early.” Maria says
“I gathered that.” Adam says
“Hey Howie, Mind waking us a bit later?” Rick says, wearing his regular clothes
“I see you have pants again.”
“Well I was asleep, and-”
“You sleep in a suit?”
“Yes I do, and if I have to explain this to you, you wouldn’t get it. Dress for success, grind in your sleep, and when the clock waits for no one, you gotta wake up fresh.”
“Yeah, you’re right, none of that shit made sense.”
“I said you wouldn’t understand. But there’s some things you gotta do to make it.”
“Oh really? How much do you make? What’s your net worth?”
“300-400 thousand a year, depending on the state of the world.”
“Alright, that’s pretty good. I can see that’s working for you. I mean I am worth, what, close to 500… million, but boy, can you imagine what I’d make if I didn’t just wear stuff you’d find at a thrift store, but instead, wear a suit to bed.”
“Fuck you.” Rick says after a little
“You business types are fucking crazy. I’m serious, there is definitely something wrong with you. How is sleeping in a suit going to help anything?” Adam says. You then look to Rick, and see he’s sweating and staring back at Adam, with his eye twitching slightly.
“How are you sweating? You’re covered in fur.” Nikita says, and Rick suddenly stops
“I’m built different.” Rick says “But anyways, as I was saying, Hubie, you aren’t the only one to cockblock me. White boy and stinky girl came to interrupt my evening with the lovely Mr Lucifer, not once, but twice in the span of ten minutes.”
“I wasn’t there the first time.” Claire says “And don’t call me stinky girl, piss cat.”
“Do you want me to doxx you?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Listen, no more bickering or fighting!” Adam says “Yesterday I was busy testing something. All of you guys were of level to fight Zodd, but you weren’t experienced enough. That being said, I was getting used to how to do battles with Maria, and I think we need to get you guys to practice. Makes sense?” Adam finishes and everyone agrees “Ok, so who here has done a move yet?” Adam says, and Maria, Nikita, Peters, and you raise your hands. “Queen, when did you do one?”
“I did it on accident and ripped through a door and wall using night slash.” you say
“By accident?”
“Fit of rage.”
“Alright, that’s a good start. But, we need everyone to know all their moves. We found a good place in the desert with a lot of low level ‘pokemans’ and Maria and I scouted the place out. It should be good for experimenting. That being said, we want to have one experienced member with us when we do this, so, cause I had Maria with me all day, and she’s probably sick of me-”
“Hardly.” Maria says
“Well, still, we should get someone fresh but experienced.”
“Talking about me?” Nikita says
“Exactly. So, we can take Nikita, and I think we should also bring Queen and Peters, to get fully acclimated to this shit. Any other volunteers?” Adam says, and El Toro, Muscle Mon, and Edgar raise their hands. “Good. We gotta get Adad next, because, he’s a dragon. But anyways, let’s do this shit, then we gotta go to the next city, fight Ben Stiller again, and we should be on our way to the capital. Are we ready to go?”
“I’m ready.” El Toro says
“Sure.” you say
“Let us commence.” Edgar says
“Fuck it, we ball.” Nikita says jokingly
“Aight.” Peters says
“Let’s do this!” Muscle Mon yells. And the four of you walk out of the box
(Would you like to read the chapter from Chris or Claire’s perspective first?)
PAGEBREAK
You are now Claire. Chris has just left to go and train for not dying, and you feel a sudden emptiness. You feel your magic-induced fuck up has been mostly smothed over, but you feel there is still some distrust. You know Chris loves you, and would do anything for you, and will give you more leeway than pretty much anyone else, including your parents, who are about as strict and oppressive as a hippie. However, Chris has some very far off limits, that you knew of before, and even now, they’re hard to cross. However you tore through those limits and caused more damage than a light snow does to the entirety of Texas. You feel terrible about this all, and all the thoughts of making the relationship more balanced are out the window, as you turned what could have been simple changes into a trainwreck. You don’t like getting babied, and you get why he does this, and can respect his reasons, but the way that you uttered it wasn’t how you felt, as with all the demands you made.
You set the relationship back to the stone age. You fucked up way worse than you thought you could. Even with overthinking, and anxiety over slip ups you might make on accident, you could not imagine things going that wrong. Even with all the stuff Rick said and did, your fuck up pushes it all out of the way. The prospect of permanently being a skunk or dying is less important than how badly you wronged the love of your life. And with all these thoughts and feelings in your head, you needed some sort of release, and that release ended up being Maria. She said she wanted to catch up with you, and both of you went back to your place. The second you sat down, you let it all erupt, and by the time you were finished, Maria was speechless.
“Please say something.” you request, breaking the silence
“I don’t know what to say… what the fuck?” Maria says, dumbfounded
“I know, I know, but how should I fix this?”
“No. You gave me way too much to unpack and way too little time. You’re saying that I am an inch away from death?”
“Yes, but that’s not important-”
“Bullshit. Claire, I love ya, and Chris is the sweetest, but compared to the fact that I am a dead man walking: Fuck your relationship! Fuck your problems! And fuck you! There is way more pressing matters for me than being your fucking marriage counselor.”
“I get that, but I need help.”
“You need- no, fuck that, you can’t just expect level headed advice from someone who just learned their days are numbered. Claire, are you fucking stupid? Like really-”
“YES I AM! I’m a fucking idiot, I fucked up so bad.”
“Ok. Dude, stop trauma dumping. The shit you’re saying is going in one ear and out the next. I’m not alone where I was, before here. Does that mean my roommate is going to die too? And if so, why isn’t she here? Same with her boyfriend?”
“I don’t know, ask Rick, he figured it out.”
“No, you go ask Rick for relationship advice.”
“He pulled a gun the last time that happened.”
“Well fuck.” Maria says and there’s a bit of silence “So is this like a second chance?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well… fuck dude.”
“I know.”
“I mean really, what the fuck.”
“Too much shit is going on, none of it’s being explained, Adam isn’t help-”
“Adam knows less about what the fuck is going on than either of us.”
“Whatever, he is still the leader here, so-”
“So what? Claire. Who cares, he’s as stuck here as the rest of us. Granted our situations are way fucking different, cause he’s still Adam Sandler. But still. We cannot just go around alienating him from us, cause if we do, we’ll just cause more problems. We need to act like a family, and honestly, as much as I like our little alliance, it’s counterintuitive to keeping us all as a unit. We’re unintentionally factionalizing our group. We are all in this and we must all work as one. Our friends are currently training out there, so when they come back, the rest of us have to follow. I get many of them take pride in being our main fighters, and may take offense to us trying to immediately do what they do, but they’re reserves. We need to show that, though they’re the best, they can still sit back if they want or need to.” Maria finishes
“Hoh” you say
“Eh, but who needs speeches. What we should really be focusing in on is unity. And also if we should tell everyone about the shit going on. And that’s gonna start with updating Donut.”
“Kinda had a fight with Donut.”
“What, did she confess her love to you in front of your bf?” Maria says sarcastically
“What? No. She kept trying to snoop in on the uno game we were having, then we threatened to swirly her, then we actually did, and yeah. She fought back.”
“Oh.”
“Yep.”
“Ok, well then probably don’t have to worry about what I said for a little.”
“Probably not.”
“I mean I can get your appeal, but I don’t get why she thinks she has a shot.” Maria says, more so to herself than you
“What?”
“Yeah. Don’t tell her I told you though.”
“You’re serious, she has a crush on me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, she’s dumb to try anything, and even dumber to try acting like such a bitch about it.”
“She’s not the greatest with social cues, but-”
“But?”
“But… like you should at least give her a chance.”
“A chance?”
“Let me rephrase that-”
“That better be a rephrasing. Cause I am not planning on ditching Chris any time soon, and if you’re suggesting I should, then you can go fuck yourself.”
“Hey. Calm. I’m not suggesting that. I’m saying to try and mend the fissure that happened. We gotta stay together. And if you can find it in yourself to trust and like Rick fucking Bates, then you can deal with Donut.”
“Rick acts like a douche, but he helps with shit. His front is to make himself look worse, or something- idk, he’s not right in the head, and I doubt anyone is shocked by that, including himself. But, he… idk. For every jab he takes, he picks you back up.”
“Odd.”
“No shit. I expected him to be the worst.” you say
“But you think Donut is?”
“No. Honestly, it’s either that stuck up rabbit, Cristobal, and his mightier than though attitude-”
“Have you even had a conversation with him?”
“No, and the reason for that is that the fucker acts like he’s the hottest shit in the room. He will not give me the time of day.”
“Yeah. He’s one of the people I can’t talk to. Him and Adad, but that’s a different story.”
“I feel like we’re better off not knowing what Adad is saying.”
“Probably, I expect he’ll try to tear out the enemy’s heart and eat it at one point.”
“That sounds cool though, and I don’t really mind that. I just think he’ll be-”
“You’d mind if you actually saw that.”
“Whatever, but, I was just thinking he’d be really sexist.”
“We thought that about Peters too.”
“Peters is weird, he’s like a confused kid, but also would be someone’s grandpa, now adays.”
“Yeah.”
“But whatever. Donut has to admit and get rid of these feelings for me. I’ve had other dudes become my ‘friend’ to try and get in my pants, and then either leave in the douchiest fashion, or hang around and admit shit in the least convenient manner- like I had a ‘friend’ try to propose to me, on my birthday, at my parents house, like a second after Chris left to go to the bathroom-”
“What happened then.”
“Chris beat his ass and the rest of my party all said the guy started the fight with Chris, after the cops were called.”
“Oh damn.”
“Like, it was kinda weird, considering a lot of my friends don’t really like Chris cause, ya know, he’s the way he is-”
“He’s the bad boy type I assume.”
“Sorta- whatever. My point is, the proposal was so awful, that even my friends who hate Chris’ guts, just up and vouched for him. Like it was that bad.”
“I can imagine.”
“And what I’m saying is, that that shit is not going to happen again, and either Donut is going to tell me that shit will not happen, to my face, or I’m not talking to her again.”
“Ok. Let me try and convince her to-”
“No. I’m gonna go over there and force her to tell me that this crush, or whatever, dies then and there.”
“Please don’t, I can convince her-”
“Why not?”
“I violated her trust by telling you, and-”
“Thank you for that. But I don’t care.”
“Please Claire, I can convince her to just confess about it, and leave me out of it in it’s entirety. Just give me one chance, and if that doesn’t work then you can barge into her house and yell.”
Do you let Maria try to talk things out, or do you ignore her and make Donut drop it, your way?
PAGEBREAK
“Fine. I’ll give you one shot, then I’m bursting in to demand shit.” you say
“Ok.” Maria says “Give me an hour.” she finishes and then walks to Donut’s. You spend that hour at home, watching American Psycho, not because you like the movie, but maybe it will help you get closer to Rick and Lucifer. You do this because you believe Maria is right about the unification shit, and they’re a two for one at the moment. Similarly, Rick knows how to handle people and seemingly knows what can help Chris. He also is fairly unstable and knows your identity, so it’s best to try and get on his good side. About 30 minutes into the movie, Maria comes into your house.
“Claire, I told her I’d tell you if she didn’t confess.” she yells as she walks up the stairs
“And?” you reply, pausing the movie
“She called me out on it. Wait five minutes and then go rampage.” she says, as she walks into your room and sees what you’re watching “Just a fan of Christian Bale or are you doing this for Rick?”
“Second one, sorta, I feel it could help unite us.”
“Ok, I guess that makes sense, but like… I don’t know.”
“Yeah, I just felt it could be a conversation piece. Any recommendations for the rest of everyone?”
“Catch up on Soccer for Christobal, Football for El Toro-”
“I’ll have Chris do that, or you- cause like, you’re hispanic so you’d probably better know soccer than me.”
“Woah Claire, that’s racist.”
“Am I wrong?”
“Yes, I’m a white American, I know baseball, not soccer.”
“Hoh. I just thought cause, like your name is Maria-”
“It’s a pretty name, and I know a lot of nice Marias.”
“Ok… so, the others then?”
“Peters you should leave to Chris, cause they’re always together and both seem like kinda loners.”
“What about Nikita?”
“Zero clue, but that should also be a Chris thing. Just leave the A team wholly to Chris.”
“Ok. So, should we all just sorta take sixish people to try to get in with us?”
“Sure. Chris has the A team, I have Adam-”
“You’re sure getting close to him.”
“He’s the fucking best, he’s better than I expected- but yeah.”
“I’ll take Rick and Lucifer… anyone you’re sorta close with?”
“Clint and Edgar. They’re cool, but we should give Clint some time. He was falling for Spear Mint a little, and then buried her.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeeeeeeeeeeah. He’s… adjusting, or coping with it, right now.”
“Then everyone else?”
“Gotta say, like Violette is probably an issue, she’s kind of a bitch.”
“Yeah. But maybe she’s just like covering up.”
“Maybe. Honestly though, it’s weird that I agree with Rick, but she is kinda just a Tumblr thot.”
“A what?”
“Never mind. Other issue may be Dakotta. I get what happened to her sucks, but damn, is she entitled.”
“I know right, the bitch calls me ugly while trying to consol her. Like, I feel I need to help her, but if that cunt makes one more remark about me, my face, how skunks stink, or whatever, I swear to God, I’m gonna roll that whale back to the ocean.”
“I wouldn’t say that, for myself, but then again, all she’s commented about is my eyes, which are kinda freaky, with the black sclera and red pupil. But yeah, I can’t speak, cause she doesn’t really pick a fight with me.”
“Yeah, you can’t.”
“Claire, chill. You’re getting needlessly hostile towards me. Remember unison.”
“Yeah, but you don’t have-”
“Claire, I fucking said that. Calm the fuck down- actually, Daren is your jurristriction now. You need to relax.”
“I’m not smoking dope.”
“Why not, there’s virtually no downsides, except maybe smoke inhalation, and if that’s a concern, then there’s edibles or vapes.”
“I’ve heard the stuff is really addicting-”
“It’s not addicting at all.” Maria says, and a large puff of pink smoke appears in the hallway. Out steps Cupid, and fake-straightens an invisible tie.
“Oh really?” he says “When someone spends half their entire paycheck on it, says they constantly need it to calm down, and gets agitated whenever they don’t have it, as well as saying they can quit at anytime, yet never making any effort to, how does that make a substance non-addictive?” He finishes and there’s a moment of silence “Well?”
“I feel you were a fan of Regan.” Maria says
“How fucking dare you! The policies proposed by that fucking chode doomed the entirety of the global community. His policies sucked off the wealthy and prioritized megacorps over people! Fuck you!”
“I agree, but like, why do you? Aren’t you a vampire monarch? You’re like his choice demographic. Old, wealthy, white, and evil.”
“I may be the oldest and most wealthy of my order, but I gotta say, old people are so damn annoying. A curse of eternal youth is that codgers think I’m a millennial. God. They’ll speak about the good old days like we don’t have racism and a fuel crisis right now. Like, honestly, they talk about how their fathers built this country, while I’m here, accredited to why they’re not speaking arabic, and having a very fair chance of banging their great great great great grandmother, killing their great great great uncle, and being there before this shithole was even a country.”
“You’re Romanian right?”
“Yes.”
“It’s weird you call the US a shithole, knowing full well that it’s been less than a decade since the majority of your country finally got toilets”
“Fuck you.” he says with a scowl and poofs away.
“What the fuck just happened?” you ask
“Something.” Maria replies
“Ok then. So, let’s go over to Donut’s then and have a little chat.”
“Ok, but remember, I told you this all now, not before.”
“I understand” you say, and the two of you walk over to Donut’s place. You knock on the door, and it almost instantly opens, to reveal Donut, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, and two wine glasses in the other. She smiles an endearing smile at you. She also has on, only a bathrobe.
“You got a lot of explaining to do.” You say
“I do believe.” she says “Now, step on in, and get seated.” Donut says, leading you into the dining room, which is lit by candle. “Now Maria, I believe we have something to discuss, can you please leave, and let us have some private time?” Donut finishes, and then turns back to you “Claire, I believe you’ve been told what the situation is?”
“You’re into me?”
“More than that. We’d be perfect together, the only problem is that pathetic piece of shit that you call a man. Someone who can’t please you now, if he ever could. You need someone who’s packing.” she says, before, opening the front of her robe, to reveal a black penis, with a red head, and a glowing yellow ring where the foreskin would be. “Like what you see?” she asks. You’re gonna hit her, that much is clear in your mind. The questions is, do you just want to slap her, or do you want to give in to your desires, and slam her head into the table, full force. Shall you just slap, or commit full blown assault?
PAGEBREAK
“Claire, do you-” Donut manages to squeak out before you grab the back of her head, and slam it into the table, nose first. The force of it spills the wine and nearly knocks over the candles. She immediately shoots back and starts covering her face, and then begins to hold her hands in front of her face like she’s cradling a baby. Blood is spilling from her nose and mouth, almost looking like syrup. She’s shaking from the shock of it, and just staring at her own hands. Maria then grabs you and puts your arms behind your back. You try to break free, but this woman has the strength of hercules. You keep struggling and she lifts you up by your shoulders, like a cat, and then tosses you slightly in the air, turning you at the same time, and then catches you again. She lifts you over her head, and stares you in the eyes.
“Calm the fuck down.” she says
“Put me the fuck down!” you yell
“Only if you promise you’re not going to immediately attack her.”
“Fine, I won’t.” you say, and then wait for about 10 seconds. You then try to lunge at Donut, but Maria grabs you and suplexes you. You tuck your head in to avoid damage, but that shit still really hurts. You stay frozen in pain for a second, but by the time you can move again, Maria makes her next move. She gets on top of you and flips you onto your stomach. She then grabs your leg and pulls it into a scorpion position, while lifting your hips off the ground and pinning your arms to the floor.
“Chill the fuck out.”
“Jesus Christ! Let me go, I’m not a pretzel!”
“I’m hardly pretzeling you.”
“GET OFF!” you yell, trying to shake her, but being nearly completely immobilized.
“Claire, I get you’re pissed, but you need to chill the fuck out. That’s way too fucking far!”
“Bullshit! I may have areas of myself with unclear boundaries, but my relationship with Chris, is the one that’s as clearly visible as the sun is most days. Donut, of all people should know this, based on our last interactions.”
“FUCK YOU CLAIRE!” Donut yells with hate in her eyes
“I’m letting you go if she comes over to fight.” Maria says in a whisper, moving closer to you and bringing your leg with, which feels like it should have hurt more than it did.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Donut yells, wiping the blood from her face
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” You yell in retort
“Great comeback.” Maria says sarcastically
“Shut it rabbit!”
“You just slammed my face into the fucking table you psycho!” Donut says
“I did that because I’m tired of your shit!”
“And you thought that was an ok thing to do? You psycho!”
“You thought it was an ok thing to belittle the love of my life, one who I’d do anything for, and then go and say I should ditch his ass in his worst moments to get together with some bitch I don’t even know the name of?”
“My name is Zheng Qiao.”
“Not my point! I don’t fucking know you, and you’re doing a piss poor job of introducing yourself!”
“I can try again.”
“No you can’t! You went from belittling my boyfriend to exposing yourself like a rapist!”
“Hardly!”
“Yeah, you live in the simpsons house, not the Quagmire one.” Maria says
“Shut the fuck up!” you clap back at Maria
“What’s th-” Donut begins, as she wipes up more blood
“Never mind her! My point is, I don’t fucking like you! I don’t like girls-”
“Oh th-”
“And before you make another jab at my fucking boyfriend’s gender, he is a man, and always will be unless he decides he isn’t. I love Chris, I fucking hate your guts!”
“What the hell do you see in him anyways?”
“A person, which is more than I can say for you!”
“I can change.”
“And if you ever want to be on any sort of terms again, you best start now!” you yell “Let me up Maria, I’m leaving.” you say, and Maria does. You then walk out of Donuts house and so does Maria. You don’t go back home, though, and instead travel out to the main box. You enter and see violette is up against a wall, reading a book. You ignore her and look for someone else. You see Nikita’s door is open, and step inside. The inside is a snow covered city, that you can tell is Moscow by the weird palace next to you.
“Only Nikita would have her front door be the Kremlin building.” Maria says, looking out at the building you just came out of.
“This place is magical.” you say, looking at the fresh snow, unaltered by man, save for a few footprints, and the lights covering the city.
“It’s probably way different the further you go into it, considering there’s no people and this is the place presented the most.”
“Probably-” you begin to say and then spot Clint and Daren a little ways off. “Maybe I should take you up on your idea.”
“What?” maria says and you point to the two “Oh, trying marijuana?”
“Maybe.” you say and begin approaching them. You get behind the two of them and then speak “Breaking and entering, huh?” you say, and Daren jumps
“Fuck man, yo scared the shit out of me.” Daren says
“Why are you guys in Nikita’s place?”
“N’s place was said to just be like zhe whole Moscow, so I wanted to check how big it was.” Clint says
“And?”
“Fucking massive.”
“Surprising you two are hanging out.” Maria says
“Zhere’s a reason for zhat. I needed somezhing to help me zhink.”
“Weed.”
“Yeah. I don’t zhink it’s a secret zhat I liked Spear Mint. She was great. Funny. Nice… why’d it have to be her?” Clint says, beginning to tear up. Maria then walks over and hugs him, whispering stuff to him in order to south him
“Lotta people got fucked up by her death, some, like Clint, got it worse than others. The Queen was there right?” Daren whispers to you
“Yeah. My bf was.” you say
“He doing alright?”
“Sorta, but that’s not really what’s effecting him. I did some shit I regret, though it was partly not my fault cause of some magic shit, but I hurt him deep.”
“Shit’s rough.”
“Yeah. Then I just had issues with Donut, and just argh- why’s everything gotta turn to shit recently.”
“You want something to take your nerves off?”
“Sorta, that’s kinda why I came here- well sorta, I came here to see why the door was open, but like I was originally looking for you. However I’m still on the fence about this.”
“Never smoked before?”
“Nope. And I don’t really drink either, like maybe every once in a while, or at a party, but it’s more just like social drinking.”
“Hey, it’s no big deal. Everyone is a virgin to this at one point.”
“Yeah. That makes sense. But still, like…”
“Hey, if you don’t wanna, you don’t gotta, but it’ll probably help with your nerves and shit.”
Do you try weed for the first time or decide not to?
PAGEBREAK
Fuck it, might as well. You doubt it would change much or make anything worse. Your judgement is already fucked up as is. You say you’ll do it and he starts rolling you a fresh joint.
“How are you holding up?” you ask
“Don’t know.” Daren says and then prepares to lick the paper, to stick it closed. He then looks up at you, with his tongue out, presumably asking if you’re ok with it, or if you want to do it yourself. You sort of nod, and he licks it and then hands it to you “Honestly though, I kinda think I’ll like know how or what to feel when I’m totally sober, but like, I’m never totally sober, so…” He trails off, while pulling a lighter from his parka and lighting the joint. You take a huff of it and then begin coughing. “That’s ok brah, you need some water or something? I mean I don’t have any on me, but like it’s a snow covered place, so I can probably make you some.” he finishes, and you shake your head.
“You guys really stinking up Nikita’s box like this?” Maria says jokingly, as Clint wipes his eyes.
“Dude lives in a whole fucking city. One ounce of weed ain’t gonna stink up shit.” Daren says
“Yeah, we should probably get out of here though.” you say, before taking another hit “Cause it’s kinda rude to be in here anyways, and yeah.”
“Good point.”
“So who’s place should we go to then?” Maria asks
“Not our box. I don’t need Donut trying more shit.” you say
“Wanna check out mine?” Daren says “I was zonked out of my mind when I described it, so the place is fuckin wacky. Picasso shit, like… you know. Goofy ass mansion.”
“Let’s go to mine.” Clint says under his breath.
“Sure.” Maria says and the two of them begin walking out of the box.
You follow suit and while you walk, you hear Violette scoff at you, so you flip her off. Clint open his door and you don’t hear anything outside, but when you enter, it is this symphony of bugs in the night. The place is hard to see anything, but you’re definitely in a forest. You see there’s a giant hill in front of you, and a small path up it, illuminated by the moon light. You see Maria and Clint are going up it, so you and Daren follow as well. At the top is a single tent, with all the lights off. You think about why Clint would choose this, but you look up again. The stars look like something from out of a planetarium, but real. You stare in awe, transfixed by it’s beauty. You don’t know if it’s the weed making you do this, or if it’s the actual beauty of it, but you cannot look away. The sky is lit up like a city, and you can see so many colors, it’s like you’re seeing the pictures from the telescopes, but in real life. All the colors and all the patterns are just there. You know the sky was like this, space was this pretty, but you didn’t think you could just witness it. You lie down and just keep gazing up at it in awe. After a few minutes, Daren lies down and joins you. He says nothing, and then Maria does the same, lying on the other side of you.
“Is it really like this?” you ask
“Yep, or at least I assume so. Can’t say for sure what you’re seeing over zhere. But shit’s probably cleaner and more detailed than you’ve ever seen, on account of pollution.” Clint says, sitting down behind the three of you.
“I remember that when my dad took me to Yosemite one time, the place was amazing, especially at night, but the sky, the sky wasn’t like this. This is just…”
“Again, can’t account for your high, but zhis was how it was for me. We would always go out to zhis one area in zhe state, zhat made sure zhere was no lights after dark, and you’d just see zhis shit. My dad took me a lot before he passed, and I can’t zhink of a time when I was happier, zhan when I was under zhose stars. I can feel alone here, and not in a bad way. Zhis hill we’re on is where I spread my dad’s ashes, zhen my mom’s and her sister’s. We don’t really do burials, cause all zhe land we could use we could use for farming, cause we ain’t got a lot of money. But here, zhere’s no worries about bills, or nozhing. Zhis is just zhe closest look you can get to heaven. Bring me here if I don’t make it. Or bury me wizh Spear Mint. Eizher way. I don’t want to be left alone when I’m dead.” Clint finishes, and then also lays down, and there’s silence. No one really moves or anything, except for passing the joint around.
An hour, maybe more, goes by, and the joint is done, and still no one speaks.
“I’ll bring you to this hill.” You say
“Alright. If you do follow zhrough on zhat, I got directions to zhis place stuffed in an old mailbox near my house. Zhe adress is 4554 Jessie Bonnet Avenue. It’s a bit hidden away, and all, but you can tell where it is because it’s got zhis beautiful red maple in front of it. Zhe tree has two branches that are shaped like arms, zhat curve downwards- it’s hard to describe, but you’ll know it when you see it and Zhe mailbox is right in front of it.” Clint says
“I’ll try to remember that.”
“It’s ok if you can’t, it’s a lot of info in a short period of time.”
“Maybe write it down in a sort of will or something?” Maria says
“Yeah. Zhat’s a good idea.” Clint says
“We all probably should do that, especially you Maria, cause you’re out fighting now.” you say
“I have 0 things of value, except my cat and like a shitty laptop.” Maria replies
“Gotta have someone to take care of your cat-”
“Roomate.”
“Well what if-”
“Claire, telling everyone about what Rick said is gonna happen, but this is not the right place or time.”
“What did he say?” Clint asks
“It’s gonna be one of those things that we tell Adam, and then he wakes us all up in the middle of the night to tell us.” you say
“I talked to him about the timing, he says he can’t sleep with all the pressure of keeping everyone alive as well as the new info that he has to wait to tell everyone. I’m trying to be his confidant, or something, cause we need him with a clear head.”
“Do we really need him?” Daren says “Like, we’re doing all the work anyways-”
“Ok, listen, We do not need a fucking power struggle. We need God damn unity! And besides, the only two people I can image would actually take power and keep it would either be Nikita, or Peters. I say this because Peters is a sound minded war veteran, but he has 0 fucking clue about the modern world, and is like probably the youngest of any of us-”
“How old is he?” Daren asks
“20.”
“How.”
“He’s actively fighting a war, do you really think that they’re gonna send some 90yo in there?”
“But he’s like from WWII?”
“And? We have some dude from George Washington’s time and another from before Jesus.”
“Time makes no sense here.”
“Gotta agree with that.” you add
“Ok, whatever, but why is Nikita a problem for a leader? She knows far more about all of zhis zhan zhe rest of us, so why is she a bad choice? Is it just cause she’s a communist?” Clint asks
“No. I’m in college, of any people here, I am the least likely person to not trust a communist… actually, maybe Peters is less likely, cause they’re allies in a war for him, at the moment.” Maria says
“Ok, so why can’t we trust her?”
“Cause she’s an actual lunatic. I heard a lot of her shit from Adam and she is a fucking warlord, and I mean that literally. She claims to be a military dictator and leads from the front lines.”
“Ok? I’d much razher have someone who will fight by my side zhan spout commands over my shoulder.”
“Ok look- I don’t really have a legit reason, but it will cause factions to form. We have at the very least Rick to worry about-”
“He’s very vocal about hating jews.” you add
“Ok… fine, fuck Rick, he’s just a loose cannon-”
“Honestly, he’d probably get in line if Nikita beat him into cooperation.” Daren says
“No he wouldn’t.” you reply “Spent more personal time than I ever wanted with him recently. Honestly, he doesn’t worry me. He’s an asshole, but he’s straight with his intentions and was really fucking useful for my issues, but got tired of us quick, which was understandable.”
“He has a short temper-” Clint begins
“No, C- the Queen and I just cock blocked him twice and insulted him to his face. It took him a while to threaten us to leave, as well. So, I think we can sorta trust him.”
“Listen, fuck! Jesus Christ! We are not overthrowing Adam fucking Sandler and replacing him with a fucking dictator.” Maria says “Besides, I don’t think that Nikita would be ok with that, anyways. Let’s just stop trying to create problems before we fix them. Let’s fix problem. Problem number one, we aren’t unified, so we’re having infighting. We are all in the same shit boat and we need to cooperate. Problem two is that we don’t know what everyone wants incase we die. We need to make some wills of some sorts, and let’s do this now, rather than later. Daren, do you have pens and paper and shit in your box?”
“Yeah, but do you not?” Daren says
“We’re taking a hiatus on that neighborhood for a while, cause Donut is being insufferable.” you say
“Ooooh, fighting in Suburbia.”
“Seriously though, we should do this now. Do you have paper and writing utensils?” Maria says
“Yeah. Let’s go then.” Daren says and starts walking down the path
“Why didn’t you ask me, we’re already here.” Clint says
“I just assumed you didn’t have anything cause you live in a tent.” Maria says
“I like to draw the stars. I have what we need.”
“Ok then, let’s do it here.” Maria says as Clint goes into his tent and comes out with a sketch book and some colored pencils. Everyone sort of spreads out to find a place to write on their piece of paper, but then Clint hands everyone a metal plate that was pretty flat. You begin writing your will and start assigning your belongings to people, most of it from your other will.
You then begin writing a will specific to stuff here, and find you have like jack shit to offer. You write that the house first goes to Chris then to Maria, and then you decide it just just be left abandoned. You then come to the conclusion that that’s the only possession you have except some clothes. You then realize that that is it, and now it is time to write about your remains. You have a couple of ideas, the first being that you should just leave it up to Chris, if he has some good idea, and to just get included in that, because you do want to be with him in the end. You have other plans, because you think Chris has that plan in mind for himself. The first plan is a full scale funeral with a burial, ceremony, priest, and all. Another is to be cremated and have your ashes spread in Hawaii, as you’ve wanted to go there for a while now. Which should you choose?
PAGEBREAK
You decide to ask Adam Sandler to spread your ashes in Hawaii. You always wanted to go there, and even though Chris seemed to have wanted to even more, you’d still love to be put on the island. With that out of the way, your will is done, and depressing, both from the lack of stuff on it, and from the fact you need to make one.
“I now realize, I have jack shit to list on here.” Maria says
“Same thing here.” you reply
“Honestly dude, whoever inherits my shit is getting arrested.” Daren says
“I got land to my name if you’re interested, but zhat’s bout it.” Clint says
“I got nothing really? Except maybe student loans.” you say
“Your student loans are fuck all compared to mine Claire. I’ll die of old age before I’m halfway done with those.” Maria says
“My shit’s like fifteen thousand dollars for all four years.”
“Fifty five here.”
“Bullshit.”
“Yeah, you’re not doing zhat right. Like I know ya don’t live in a farm state, and it’s probably more expensive, but zhere ain’t no God damn way zhat shit is zhat high, unless you’re fucking up or terrible wizh numbers.” Clint says
“I’m going to MIT with scholarships.”
“Fuck you mean wizh scholarships? How much did zhat shit take off?”
“Around 20 thousand.”
“Fuck are ya studying? Rocket science?”
“Mechanical engineering.”
“Ah… if you’re gonna be an engineer, you’re probably gonna be able to pay zhat off.”
“Unless there is an entire collapse of the-”
“If the country collapses, who’s gonna collect your debt?” you say
“Holy shit, you’re right.”
“Why do you guys even go to college? Shit don’t guarantee shit no more?” Daren says
“Cause some of us want to get jobs-” you say
“No you don’t. You just need money. Shit, look at me, I sell weed to randos, and grow that shit in my garage. I probably make three times more a year, than you will for the next… I don’t know… five?”
“Well, some of us actually want to serve a purpose.”
“I serve a purpose, I help people relax.”
“And Rick serves a purpose, he helps rich people get richer… and maybe lessens the homeless problem though murder, but I’m not sure if he actually kills people or not.”
“Great, compare me to the serial killer.”
“As a society, we’d be better off without both of you.”
“You’re kind of a bitch Claire.”
“And you’re kind of a societal detriment.”
“Ok, miss angry pants. If you don’t like me, I’ll leave.” Daren says, and then begins sort of stumbling down the hill
“Claire, you suck at bringing people together.” Maria says
“I’m high and emotional.” you yip in retort
“And kind of a hypocrite. Like, didn’t ya just come here askin for his product, to relax?” Clint says
“Yeah, but-”
“Honestly, by your own words, zhe people who’re helping you zhe most right now, are the folk zhat you’re treating zhe worst.”
“And I-”
“If you start making fun of my speech impediment, you’re getting your teezh knocked in, and gonna talk like Mike Tyson to compensate for my lack of T H pronunciation. So I suggest you watch your tongue, before it’s got more room to go zhrough.”
“Yeah, Claire, you’ve had enough conflict for today, let’s get you home.” Maria says
“More conflict waits there.” you say
“Too bad, too many problems, I want to sleep.”
“Fine.” you say and are led home . When you get home, there is no issues with Donut, and you bid farewell to Maria. You then go to your room, and lie in bed, not sleeping, just staring at the ceiling, seeing and feeling things. You hope Chris returns soon.
copyrights:
pokemon: gamefreak/nintendo
Muscle Man: Cartoon network
“Claire, I signed up for this.” you say
“Maybe you can convince Adam to let you off.” she replies
“To my knowledge I’m the only one with something that is guaranteed to kill something.”
“Still”
“I gotta go soon, and we both know-” you begin, almost getting to the part about being teleported, and then getting teleported. You get the white flash and then when things fade in, everyone is back in the box.
“Adam, what the-” you begin, and then see Clint fall from around ten feet in the air, right in front of you
“Fuck!” Clint yells, arching his back and rolling around
“Adam, I think we got here too early.” Maria says
“I gathered that.” Adam says
“Hey Howie, Mind waking us a bit later?” Rick says, wearing his regular clothes
“I see you have pants again.”
“Well I was asleep, and-”
“You sleep in a suit?”
“Yes I do, and if I have to explain this to you, you wouldn’t get it. Dress for success, grind in your sleep, and when the clock waits for no one, you gotta wake up fresh.”
“Yeah, you’re right, none of that shit made sense.”
“I said you wouldn’t understand. But there’s some things you gotta do to make it.”
“Oh really? How much do you make? What’s your net worth?”
“300-400 thousand a year, depending on the state of the world.”
“Alright, that’s pretty good. I can see that’s working for you. I mean I am worth, what, close to 500… million, but boy, can you imagine what I’d make if I didn’t just wear stuff you’d find at a thrift store, but instead, wear a suit to bed.”
“Fuck you.” Rick says after a little
“You business types are fucking crazy. I’m serious, there is definitely something wrong with you. How is sleeping in a suit going to help anything?” Adam says. You then look to Rick, and see he’s sweating and staring back at Adam, with his eye twitching slightly.
“How are you sweating? You’re covered in fur.” Nikita says, and Rick suddenly stops
“I’m built different.” Rick says “But anyways, as I was saying, Hubie, you aren’t the only one to cockblock me. White boy and stinky girl came to interrupt my evening with the lovely Mr Lucifer, not once, but twice in the span of ten minutes.”
“I wasn’t there the first time.” Claire says “And don’t call me stinky girl, piss cat.”
“Do you want me to doxx you?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Listen, no more bickering or fighting!” Adam says “Yesterday I was busy testing something. All of you guys were of level to fight Zodd, but you weren’t experienced enough. That being said, I was getting used to how to do battles with Maria, and I think we need to get you guys to practice. Makes sense?” Adam finishes and everyone agrees “Ok, so who here has done a move yet?” Adam says, and Maria, Nikita, Peters, and you raise your hands. “Queen, when did you do one?”
“I did it on accident and ripped through a door and wall using night slash.” you say
“By accident?”
“Fit of rage.”
“Alright, that’s a good start. But, we need everyone to know all their moves. We found a good place in the desert with a lot of low level ‘pokemans’ and Maria and I scouted the place out. It should be good for experimenting. That being said, we want to have one experienced member with us when we do this, so, cause I had Maria with me all day, and she’s probably sick of me-”
“Hardly.” Maria says
“Well, still, we should get someone fresh but experienced.”
“Talking about me?” Nikita says
“Exactly. So, we can take Nikita, and I think we should also bring Queen and Peters, to get fully acclimated to this shit. Any other volunteers?” Adam says, and El Toro, Muscle Mon, and Edgar raise their hands. “Good. We gotta get Adad next, because, he’s a dragon. But anyways, let’s do this shit, then we gotta go to the next city, fight Ben Stiller again, and we should be on our way to the capital. Are we ready to go?”
“I’m ready.” El Toro says
“Sure.” you say
“Let us commence.” Edgar says
“Fuck it, we ball.” Nikita says jokingly
“Aight.” Peters says
“Let’s do this!” Muscle Mon yells. And the four of you walk out of the box
(Would you like to read the chapter from Chris or Claire’s perspective first?)
PAGEBREAK
You are now Claire. Chris has just left to go and train for not dying, and you feel a sudden emptiness. You feel your magic-induced fuck up has been mostly smothed over, but you feel there is still some distrust. You know Chris loves you, and would do anything for you, and will give you more leeway than pretty much anyone else, including your parents, who are about as strict and oppressive as a hippie. However, Chris has some very far off limits, that you knew of before, and even now, they’re hard to cross. However you tore through those limits and caused more damage than a light snow does to the entirety of Texas. You feel terrible about this all, and all the thoughts of making the relationship more balanced are out the window, as you turned what could have been simple changes into a trainwreck. You don’t like getting babied, and you get why he does this, and can respect his reasons, but the way that you uttered it wasn’t how you felt, as with all the demands you made.
You set the relationship back to the stone age. You fucked up way worse than you thought you could. Even with overthinking, and anxiety over slip ups you might make on accident, you could not imagine things going that wrong. Even with all the stuff Rick said and did, your fuck up pushes it all out of the way. The prospect of permanently being a skunk or dying is less important than how badly you wronged the love of your life. And with all these thoughts and feelings in your head, you needed some sort of release, and that release ended up being Maria. She said she wanted to catch up with you, and both of you went back to your place. The second you sat down, you let it all erupt, and by the time you were finished, Maria was speechless.
“Please say something.” you request, breaking the silence
“I don’t know what to say… what the fuck?” Maria says, dumbfounded
“I know, I know, but how should I fix this?”
“No. You gave me way too much to unpack and way too little time. You’re saying that I am an inch away from death?”
“Yes, but that’s not important-”
“Bullshit. Claire, I love ya, and Chris is the sweetest, but compared to the fact that I am a dead man walking: Fuck your relationship! Fuck your problems! And fuck you! There is way more pressing matters for me than being your fucking marriage counselor.”
“I get that, but I need help.”
“You need- no, fuck that, you can’t just expect level headed advice from someone who just learned their days are numbered. Claire, are you fucking stupid? Like really-”
“YES I AM! I’m a fucking idiot, I fucked up so bad.”
“Ok. Dude, stop trauma dumping. The shit you’re saying is going in one ear and out the next. I’m not alone where I was, before here. Does that mean my roommate is going to die too? And if so, why isn’t she here? Same with her boyfriend?”
“I don’t know, ask Rick, he figured it out.”
“No, you go ask Rick for relationship advice.”
“He pulled a gun the last time that happened.”
“Well fuck.” Maria says and there’s a bit of silence “So is this like a second chance?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well… fuck dude.”
“I know.”
“I mean really, what the fuck.”
“Too much shit is going on, none of it’s being explained, Adam isn’t help-”
“Adam knows less about what the fuck is going on than either of us.”
“Whatever, he is still the leader here, so-”
“So what? Claire. Who cares, he’s as stuck here as the rest of us. Granted our situations are way fucking different, cause he’s still Adam Sandler. But still. We cannot just go around alienating him from us, cause if we do, we’ll just cause more problems. We need to act like a family, and honestly, as much as I like our little alliance, it’s counterintuitive to keeping us all as a unit. We’re unintentionally factionalizing our group. We are all in this and we must all work as one. Our friends are currently training out there, so when they come back, the rest of us have to follow. I get many of them take pride in being our main fighters, and may take offense to us trying to immediately do what they do, but they’re reserves. We need to show that, though they’re the best, they can still sit back if they want or need to.” Maria finishes
“Hoh” you say
“Eh, but who needs speeches. What we should really be focusing in on is unity. And also if we should tell everyone about the shit going on. And that’s gonna start with updating Donut.”
“Kinda had a fight with Donut.”
“What, did she confess her love to you in front of your bf?” Maria says sarcastically
“What? No. She kept trying to snoop in on the uno game we were having, then we threatened to swirly her, then we actually did, and yeah. She fought back.”
“Oh.”
“Yep.”
“Ok, well then probably don’t have to worry about what I said for a little.”
“Probably not.”
“I mean I can get your appeal, but I don’t get why she thinks she has a shot.” Maria says, more so to herself than you
“What?”
“Yeah. Don’t tell her I told you though.”
“You’re serious, she has a crush on me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, she’s dumb to try anything, and even dumber to try acting like such a bitch about it.”
“She’s not the greatest with social cues, but-”
“But?”
“But… like you should at least give her a chance.”
“A chance?”
“Let me rephrase that-”
“That better be a rephrasing. Cause I am not planning on ditching Chris any time soon, and if you’re suggesting I should, then you can go fuck yourself.”
“Hey. Calm. I’m not suggesting that. I’m saying to try and mend the fissure that happened. We gotta stay together. And if you can find it in yourself to trust and like Rick fucking Bates, then you can deal with Donut.”
“Rick acts like a douche, but he helps with shit. His front is to make himself look worse, or something- idk, he’s not right in the head, and I doubt anyone is shocked by that, including himself. But, he… idk. For every jab he takes, he picks you back up.”
“Odd.”
“No shit. I expected him to be the worst.” you say
“But you think Donut is?”
“No. Honestly, it’s either that stuck up rabbit, Cristobal, and his mightier than though attitude-”
“Have you even had a conversation with him?”
“No, and the reason for that is that the fucker acts like he’s the hottest shit in the room. He will not give me the time of day.”
“Yeah. He’s one of the people I can’t talk to. Him and Adad, but that’s a different story.”
“I feel like we’re better off not knowing what Adad is saying.”
“Probably, I expect he’ll try to tear out the enemy’s heart and eat it at one point.”
“That sounds cool though, and I don’t really mind that. I just think he’ll be-”
“You’d mind if you actually saw that.”
“Whatever, but, I was just thinking he’d be really sexist.”
“We thought that about Peters too.”
“Peters is weird, he’s like a confused kid, but also would be someone’s grandpa, now adays.”
“Yeah.”
“But whatever. Donut has to admit and get rid of these feelings for me. I’ve had other dudes become my ‘friend’ to try and get in my pants, and then either leave in the douchiest fashion, or hang around and admit shit in the least convenient manner- like I had a ‘friend’ try to propose to me, on my birthday, at my parents house, like a second after Chris left to go to the bathroom-”
“What happened then.”
“Chris beat his ass and the rest of my party all said the guy started the fight with Chris, after the cops were called.”
“Oh damn.”
“Like, it was kinda weird, considering a lot of my friends don’t really like Chris cause, ya know, he’s the way he is-”
“He’s the bad boy type I assume.”
“Sorta- whatever. My point is, the proposal was so awful, that even my friends who hate Chris’ guts, just up and vouched for him. Like it was that bad.”
“I can imagine.”
“And what I’m saying is, that that shit is not going to happen again, and either Donut is going to tell me that shit will not happen, to my face, or I’m not talking to her again.”
“Ok. Let me try and convince her to-”
“No. I’m gonna go over there and force her to tell me that this crush, or whatever, dies then and there.”
“Please don’t, I can convince her-”
“Why not?”
“I violated her trust by telling you, and-”
“Thank you for that. But I don’t care.”
“Please Claire, I can convince her to just confess about it, and leave me out of it in it’s entirety. Just give me one chance, and if that doesn’t work then you can barge into her house and yell.”
Do you let Maria try to talk things out, or do you ignore her and make Donut drop it, your way?
PAGEBREAK
“Fine. I’ll give you one shot, then I’m bursting in to demand shit.” you say
“Ok.” Maria says “Give me an hour.” she finishes and then walks to Donut’s. You spend that hour at home, watching American Psycho, not because you like the movie, but maybe it will help you get closer to Rick and Lucifer. You do this because you believe Maria is right about the unification shit, and they’re a two for one at the moment. Similarly, Rick knows how to handle people and seemingly knows what can help Chris. He also is fairly unstable and knows your identity, so it’s best to try and get on his good side. About 30 minutes into the movie, Maria comes into your house.
“Claire, I told her I’d tell you if she didn’t confess.” she yells as she walks up the stairs
“And?” you reply, pausing the movie
“She called me out on it. Wait five minutes and then go rampage.” she says, as she walks into your room and sees what you’re watching “Just a fan of Christian Bale or are you doing this for Rick?”
“Second one, sorta, I feel it could help unite us.”
“Ok, I guess that makes sense, but like… I don’t know.”
“Yeah, I just felt it could be a conversation piece. Any recommendations for the rest of everyone?”
“Catch up on Soccer for Christobal, Football for El Toro-”
“I’ll have Chris do that, or you- cause like, you’re hispanic so you’d probably better know soccer than me.”
“Woah Claire, that’s racist.”
“Am I wrong?”
“Yes, I’m a white American, I know baseball, not soccer.”
“Hoh. I just thought cause, like your name is Maria-”
“It’s a pretty name, and I know a lot of nice Marias.”
“Ok… so, the others then?”
“Peters you should leave to Chris, cause they’re always together and both seem like kinda loners.”
“What about Nikita?”
“Zero clue, but that should also be a Chris thing. Just leave the A team wholly to Chris.”
“Ok. So, should we all just sorta take sixish people to try to get in with us?”
“Sure. Chris has the A team, I have Adam-”
“You’re sure getting close to him.”
“He’s the fucking best, he’s better than I expected- but yeah.”
“I’ll take Rick and Lucifer… anyone you’re sorta close with?”
“Clint and Edgar. They’re cool, but we should give Clint some time. He was falling for Spear Mint a little, and then buried her.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeeeeeeeeeeah. He’s… adjusting, or coping with it, right now.”
“Then everyone else?”
“Gotta say, like Violette is probably an issue, she’s kind of a bitch.”
“Yeah. But maybe she’s just like covering up.”
“Maybe. Honestly though, it’s weird that I agree with Rick, but she is kinda just a Tumblr thot.”
“A what?”
“Never mind. Other issue may be Dakotta. I get what happened to her sucks, but damn, is she entitled.”
“I know right, the bitch calls me ugly while trying to consol her. Like, I feel I need to help her, but if that cunt makes one more remark about me, my face, how skunks stink, or whatever, I swear to God, I’m gonna roll that whale back to the ocean.”
“I wouldn’t say that, for myself, but then again, all she’s commented about is my eyes, which are kinda freaky, with the black sclera and red pupil. But yeah, I can’t speak, cause she doesn’t really pick a fight with me.”
“Yeah, you can’t.”
“Claire, chill. You’re getting needlessly hostile towards me. Remember unison.”
“Yeah, but you don’t have-”
“Claire, I fucking said that. Calm the fuck down- actually, Daren is your jurristriction now. You need to relax.”
“I’m not smoking dope.”
“Why not, there’s virtually no downsides, except maybe smoke inhalation, and if that’s a concern, then there’s edibles or vapes.”
“I’ve heard the stuff is really addicting-”
“It’s not addicting at all.” Maria says, and a large puff of pink smoke appears in the hallway. Out steps Cupid, and fake-straightens an invisible tie.
“Oh really?” he says “When someone spends half their entire paycheck on it, says they constantly need it to calm down, and gets agitated whenever they don’t have it, as well as saying they can quit at anytime, yet never making any effort to, how does that make a substance non-addictive?” He finishes and there’s a moment of silence “Well?”
“I feel you were a fan of Regan.” Maria says
“How fucking dare you! The policies proposed by that fucking chode doomed the entirety of the global community. His policies sucked off the wealthy and prioritized megacorps over people! Fuck you!”
“I agree, but like, why do you? Aren’t you a vampire monarch? You’re like his choice demographic. Old, wealthy, white, and evil.”
“I may be the oldest and most wealthy of my order, but I gotta say, old people are so damn annoying. A curse of eternal youth is that codgers think I’m a millennial. God. They’ll speak about the good old days like we don’t have racism and a fuel crisis right now. Like, honestly, they talk about how their fathers built this country, while I’m here, accredited to why they’re not speaking arabic, and having a very fair chance of banging their great great great great grandmother, killing their great great great uncle, and being there before this shithole was even a country.”
“You’re Romanian right?”
“Yes.”
“It’s weird you call the US a shithole, knowing full well that it’s been less than a decade since the majority of your country finally got toilets”
“Fuck you.” he says with a scowl and poofs away.
“What the fuck just happened?” you ask
“Something.” Maria replies
“Ok then. So, let’s go over to Donut’s then and have a little chat.”
“Ok, but remember, I told you this all now, not before.”
“I understand” you say, and the two of you walk over to Donut’s place. You knock on the door, and it almost instantly opens, to reveal Donut, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, and two wine glasses in the other. She smiles an endearing smile at you. She also has on, only a bathrobe.
“You got a lot of explaining to do.” You say
“I do believe.” she says “Now, step on in, and get seated.” Donut says, leading you into the dining room, which is lit by candle. “Now Maria, I believe we have something to discuss, can you please leave, and let us have some private time?” Donut finishes, and then turns back to you “Claire, I believe you’ve been told what the situation is?”
“You’re into me?”
“More than that. We’d be perfect together, the only problem is that pathetic piece of shit that you call a man. Someone who can’t please you now, if he ever could. You need someone who’s packing.” she says, before, opening the front of her robe, to reveal a black penis, with a red head, and a glowing yellow ring where the foreskin would be. “Like what you see?” she asks. You’re gonna hit her, that much is clear in your mind. The questions is, do you just want to slap her, or do you want to give in to your desires, and slam her head into the table, full force. Shall you just slap, or commit full blown assault?
PAGEBREAK
“Claire, do you-” Donut manages to squeak out before you grab the back of her head, and slam it into the table, nose first. The force of it spills the wine and nearly knocks over the candles. She immediately shoots back and starts covering her face, and then begins to hold her hands in front of her face like she’s cradling a baby. Blood is spilling from her nose and mouth, almost looking like syrup. She’s shaking from the shock of it, and just staring at her own hands. Maria then grabs you and puts your arms behind your back. You try to break free, but this woman has the strength of hercules. You keep struggling and she lifts you up by your shoulders, like a cat, and then tosses you slightly in the air, turning you at the same time, and then catches you again. She lifts you over her head, and stares you in the eyes.
“Calm the fuck down.” she says
“Put me the fuck down!” you yell
“Only if you promise you’re not going to immediately attack her.”
“Fine, I won’t.” you say, and then wait for about 10 seconds. You then try to lunge at Donut, but Maria grabs you and suplexes you. You tuck your head in to avoid damage, but that shit still really hurts. You stay frozen in pain for a second, but by the time you can move again, Maria makes her next move. She gets on top of you and flips you onto your stomach. She then grabs your leg and pulls it into a scorpion position, while lifting your hips off the ground and pinning your arms to the floor.
“Chill the fuck out.”
“Jesus Christ! Let me go, I’m not a pretzel!”
“I’m hardly pretzeling you.”
“GET OFF!” you yell, trying to shake her, but being nearly completely immobilized.
“Claire, I get you’re pissed, but you need to chill the fuck out. That’s way too fucking far!”
“Bullshit! I may have areas of myself with unclear boundaries, but my relationship with Chris, is the one that’s as clearly visible as the sun is most days. Donut, of all people should know this, based on our last interactions.”
“FUCK YOU CLAIRE!” Donut yells with hate in her eyes
“I’m letting you go if she comes over to fight.” Maria says in a whisper, moving closer to you and bringing your leg with, which feels like it should have hurt more than it did.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Donut yells, wiping the blood from her face
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” You yell in retort
“Great comeback.” Maria says sarcastically
“Shut it rabbit!”
“You just slammed my face into the fucking table you psycho!” Donut says
“I did that because I’m tired of your shit!”
“And you thought that was an ok thing to do? You psycho!”
“You thought it was an ok thing to belittle the love of my life, one who I’d do anything for, and then go and say I should ditch his ass in his worst moments to get together with some bitch I don’t even know the name of?”
“My name is Zheng Qiao.”
“Not my point! I don’t fucking know you, and you’re doing a piss poor job of introducing yourself!”
“I can try again.”
“No you can’t! You went from belittling my boyfriend to exposing yourself like a rapist!”
“Hardly!”
“Yeah, you live in the simpsons house, not the Quagmire one.” Maria says
“Shut the fuck up!” you clap back at Maria
“What’s th-” Donut begins, as she wipes up more blood
“Never mind her! My point is, I don’t fucking like you! I don’t like girls-”
“Oh th-”
“And before you make another jab at my fucking boyfriend’s gender, he is a man, and always will be unless he decides he isn’t. I love Chris, I fucking hate your guts!”
“What the hell do you see in him anyways?”
“A person, which is more than I can say for you!”
“I can change.”
“And if you ever want to be on any sort of terms again, you best start now!” you yell “Let me up Maria, I’m leaving.” you say, and Maria does. You then walk out of Donuts house and so does Maria. You don’t go back home, though, and instead travel out to the main box. You enter and see violette is up against a wall, reading a book. You ignore her and look for someone else. You see Nikita’s door is open, and step inside. The inside is a snow covered city, that you can tell is Moscow by the weird palace next to you.
“Only Nikita would have her front door be the Kremlin building.” Maria says, looking out at the building you just came out of.
“This place is magical.” you say, looking at the fresh snow, unaltered by man, save for a few footprints, and the lights covering the city.
“It’s probably way different the further you go into it, considering there’s no people and this is the place presented the most.”
“Probably-” you begin to say and then spot Clint and Daren a little ways off. “Maybe I should take you up on your idea.”
“What?” maria says and you point to the two “Oh, trying marijuana?”
“Maybe.” you say and begin approaching them. You get behind the two of them and then speak “Breaking and entering, huh?” you say, and Daren jumps
“Fuck man, yo scared the shit out of me.” Daren says
“Why are you guys in Nikita’s place?”
“N’s place was said to just be like zhe whole Moscow, so I wanted to check how big it was.” Clint says
“And?”
“Fucking massive.”
“Surprising you two are hanging out.” Maria says
“Zhere’s a reason for zhat. I needed somezhing to help me zhink.”
“Weed.”
“Yeah. I don’t zhink it’s a secret zhat I liked Spear Mint. She was great. Funny. Nice… why’d it have to be her?” Clint says, beginning to tear up. Maria then walks over and hugs him, whispering stuff to him in order to south him
“Lotta people got fucked up by her death, some, like Clint, got it worse than others. The Queen was there right?” Daren whispers to you
“Yeah. My bf was.” you say
“He doing alright?”
“Sorta, but that’s not really what’s effecting him. I did some shit I regret, though it was partly not my fault cause of some magic shit, but I hurt him deep.”
“Shit’s rough.”
“Yeah. Then I just had issues with Donut, and just argh- why’s everything gotta turn to shit recently.”
“You want something to take your nerves off?”
“Sorta, that’s kinda why I came here- well sorta, I came here to see why the door was open, but like I was originally looking for you. However I’m still on the fence about this.”
“Never smoked before?”
“Nope. And I don’t really drink either, like maybe every once in a while, or at a party, but it’s more just like social drinking.”
“Hey, it’s no big deal. Everyone is a virgin to this at one point.”
“Yeah. That makes sense. But still, like…”
“Hey, if you don’t wanna, you don’t gotta, but it’ll probably help with your nerves and shit.”
Do you try weed for the first time or decide not to?
PAGEBREAK
Fuck it, might as well. You doubt it would change much or make anything worse. Your judgement is already fucked up as is. You say you’ll do it and he starts rolling you a fresh joint.
“How are you holding up?” you ask
“Don’t know.” Daren says and then prepares to lick the paper, to stick it closed. He then looks up at you, with his tongue out, presumably asking if you’re ok with it, or if you want to do it yourself. You sort of nod, and he licks it and then hands it to you “Honestly though, I kinda think I’ll like know how or what to feel when I’m totally sober, but like, I’m never totally sober, so…” He trails off, while pulling a lighter from his parka and lighting the joint. You take a huff of it and then begin coughing. “That’s ok brah, you need some water or something? I mean I don’t have any on me, but like it’s a snow covered place, so I can probably make you some.” he finishes, and you shake your head.
“You guys really stinking up Nikita’s box like this?” Maria says jokingly, as Clint wipes his eyes.
“Dude lives in a whole fucking city. One ounce of weed ain’t gonna stink up shit.” Daren says
“Yeah, we should probably get out of here though.” you say, before taking another hit “Cause it’s kinda rude to be in here anyways, and yeah.”
“Good point.”
“So who’s place should we go to then?” Maria asks
“Not our box. I don’t need Donut trying more shit.” you say
“Wanna check out mine?” Daren says “I was zonked out of my mind when I described it, so the place is fuckin wacky. Picasso shit, like… you know. Goofy ass mansion.”
“Let’s go to mine.” Clint says under his breath.
“Sure.” Maria says and the two of them begin walking out of the box.
You follow suit and while you walk, you hear Violette scoff at you, so you flip her off. Clint open his door and you don’t hear anything outside, but when you enter, it is this symphony of bugs in the night. The place is hard to see anything, but you’re definitely in a forest. You see there’s a giant hill in front of you, and a small path up it, illuminated by the moon light. You see Maria and Clint are going up it, so you and Daren follow as well. At the top is a single tent, with all the lights off. You think about why Clint would choose this, but you look up again. The stars look like something from out of a planetarium, but real. You stare in awe, transfixed by it’s beauty. You don’t know if it’s the weed making you do this, or if it’s the actual beauty of it, but you cannot look away. The sky is lit up like a city, and you can see so many colors, it’s like you’re seeing the pictures from the telescopes, but in real life. All the colors and all the patterns are just there. You know the sky was like this, space was this pretty, but you didn’t think you could just witness it. You lie down and just keep gazing up at it in awe. After a few minutes, Daren lies down and joins you. He says nothing, and then Maria does the same, lying on the other side of you.
“Is it really like this?” you ask
“Yep, or at least I assume so. Can’t say for sure what you’re seeing over zhere. But shit’s probably cleaner and more detailed than you’ve ever seen, on account of pollution.” Clint says, sitting down behind the three of you.
“I remember that when my dad took me to Yosemite one time, the place was amazing, especially at night, but the sky, the sky wasn’t like this. This is just…”
“Again, can’t account for your high, but zhis was how it was for me. We would always go out to zhis one area in zhe state, zhat made sure zhere was no lights after dark, and you’d just see zhis shit. My dad took me a lot before he passed, and I can’t zhink of a time when I was happier, zhan when I was under zhose stars. I can feel alone here, and not in a bad way. Zhis hill we’re on is where I spread my dad’s ashes, zhen my mom’s and her sister’s. We don’t really do burials, cause all zhe land we could use we could use for farming, cause we ain’t got a lot of money. But here, zhere’s no worries about bills, or nozhing. Zhis is just zhe closest look you can get to heaven. Bring me here if I don’t make it. Or bury me wizh Spear Mint. Eizher way. I don’t want to be left alone when I’m dead.” Clint finishes, and then also lays down, and there’s silence. No one really moves or anything, except for passing the joint around.
An hour, maybe more, goes by, and the joint is done, and still no one speaks.
“I’ll bring you to this hill.” You say
“Alright. If you do follow zhrough on zhat, I got directions to zhis place stuffed in an old mailbox near my house. Zhe adress is 4554 Jessie Bonnet Avenue. It’s a bit hidden away, and all, but you can tell where it is because it’s got zhis beautiful red maple in front of it. Zhe tree has two branches that are shaped like arms, zhat curve downwards- it’s hard to describe, but you’ll know it when you see it and Zhe mailbox is right in front of it.” Clint says
“I’ll try to remember that.”
“It’s ok if you can’t, it’s a lot of info in a short period of time.”
“Maybe write it down in a sort of will or something?” Maria says
“Yeah. Zhat’s a good idea.” Clint says
“We all probably should do that, especially you Maria, cause you’re out fighting now.” you say
“I have 0 things of value, except my cat and like a shitty laptop.” Maria replies
“Gotta have someone to take care of your cat-”
“Roomate.”
“Well what if-”
“Claire, telling everyone about what Rick said is gonna happen, but this is not the right place or time.”
“What did he say?” Clint asks
“It’s gonna be one of those things that we tell Adam, and then he wakes us all up in the middle of the night to tell us.” you say
“I talked to him about the timing, he says he can’t sleep with all the pressure of keeping everyone alive as well as the new info that he has to wait to tell everyone. I’m trying to be his confidant, or something, cause we need him with a clear head.”
“Do we really need him?” Daren says “Like, we’re doing all the work anyways-”
“Ok, listen, We do not need a fucking power struggle. We need God damn unity! And besides, the only two people I can image would actually take power and keep it would either be Nikita, or Peters. I say this because Peters is a sound minded war veteran, but he has 0 fucking clue about the modern world, and is like probably the youngest of any of us-”
“How old is he?” Daren asks
“20.”
“How.”
“He’s actively fighting a war, do you really think that they’re gonna send some 90yo in there?”
“But he’s like from WWII?”
“And? We have some dude from George Washington’s time and another from before Jesus.”
“Time makes no sense here.”
“Gotta agree with that.” you add
“Ok, whatever, but why is Nikita a problem for a leader? She knows far more about all of zhis zhan zhe rest of us, so why is she a bad choice? Is it just cause she’s a communist?” Clint asks
“No. I’m in college, of any people here, I am the least likely person to not trust a communist… actually, maybe Peters is less likely, cause they’re allies in a war for him, at the moment.” Maria says
“Ok, so why can’t we trust her?”
“Cause she’s an actual lunatic. I heard a lot of her shit from Adam and she is a fucking warlord, and I mean that literally. She claims to be a military dictator and leads from the front lines.”
“Ok? I’d much razher have someone who will fight by my side zhan spout commands over my shoulder.”
“Ok look- I don’t really have a legit reason, but it will cause factions to form. We have at the very least Rick to worry about-”
“He’s very vocal about hating jews.” you add
“Ok… fine, fuck Rick, he’s just a loose cannon-”
“Honestly, he’d probably get in line if Nikita beat him into cooperation.” Daren says
“No he wouldn’t.” you reply “Spent more personal time than I ever wanted with him recently. Honestly, he doesn’t worry me. He’s an asshole, but he’s straight with his intentions and was really fucking useful for my issues, but got tired of us quick, which was understandable.”
“He has a short temper-” Clint begins
“No, C- the Queen and I just cock blocked him twice and insulted him to his face. It took him a while to threaten us to leave, as well. So, I think we can sorta trust him.”
“Listen, fuck! Jesus Christ! We are not overthrowing Adam fucking Sandler and replacing him with a fucking dictator.” Maria says “Besides, I don’t think that Nikita would be ok with that, anyways. Let’s just stop trying to create problems before we fix them. Let’s fix problem. Problem number one, we aren’t unified, so we’re having infighting. We are all in the same shit boat and we need to cooperate. Problem two is that we don’t know what everyone wants incase we die. We need to make some wills of some sorts, and let’s do this now, rather than later. Daren, do you have pens and paper and shit in your box?”
“Yeah, but do you not?” Daren says
“We’re taking a hiatus on that neighborhood for a while, cause Donut is being insufferable.” you say
“Ooooh, fighting in Suburbia.”
“Seriously though, we should do this now. Do you have paper and writing utensils?” Maria says
“Yeah. Let’s go then.” Daren says and starts walking down the path
“Why didn’t you ask me, we’re already here.” Clint says
“I just assumed you didn’t have anything cause you live in a tent.” Maria says
“I like to draw the stars. I have what we need.”
“Ok then, let’s do it here.” Maria says as Clint goes into his tent and comes out with a sketch book and some colored pencils. Everyone sort of spreads out to find a place to write on their piece of paper, but then Clint hands everyone a metal plate that was pretty flat. You begin writing your will and start assigning your belongings to people, most of it from your other will.
You then begin writing a will specific to stuff here, and find you have like jack shit to offer. You write that the house first goes to Chris then to Maria, and then you decide it just just be left abandoned. You then come to the conclusion that that’s the only possession you have except some clothes. You then realize that that is it, and now it is time to write about your remains. You have a couple of ideas, the first being that you should just leave it up to Chris, if he has some good idea, and to just get included in that, because you do want to be with him in the end. You have other plans, because you think Chris has that plan in mind for himself. The first plan is a full scale funeral with a burial, ceremony, priest, and all. Another is to be cremated and have your ashes spread in Hawaii, as you’ve wanted to go there for a while now. Which should you choose?
PAGEBREAK
You decide to ask Adam Sandler to spread your ashes in Hawaii. You always wanted to go there, and even though Chris seemed to have wanted to even more, you’d still love to be put on the island. With that out of the way, your will is done, and depressing, both from the lack of stuff on it, and from the fact you need to make one.
“I now realize, I have jack shit to list on here.” Maria says
“Same thing here.” you reply
“Honestly dude, whoever inherits my shit is getting arrested.” Daren says
“I got land to my name if you’re interested, but zhat’s bout it.” Clint says
“I got nothing really? Except maybe student loans.” you say
“Your student loans are fuck all compared to mine Claire. I’ll die of old age before I’m halfway done with those.” Maria says
“My shit’s like fifteen thousand dollars for all four years.”
“Fifty five here.”
“Bullshit.”
“Yeah, you’re not doing zhat right. Like I know ya don’t live in a farm state, and it’s probably more expensive, but zhere ain’t no God damn way zhat shit is zhat high, unless you’re fucking up or terrible wizh numbers.” Clint says
“I’m going to MIT with scholarships.”
“Fuck you mean wizh scholarships? How much did zhat shit take off?”
“Around 20 thousand.”
“Fuck are ya studying? Rocket science?”
“Mechanical engineering.”
“Ah… if you’re gonna be an engineer, you’re probably gonna be able to pay zhat off.”
“Unless there is an entire collapse of the-”
“If the country collapses, who’s gonna collect your debt?” you say
“Holy shit, you’re right.”
“Why do you guys even go to college? Shit don’t guarantee shit no more?” Daren says
“Cause some of us want to get jobs-” you say
“No you don’t. You just need money. Shit, look at me, I sell weed to randos, and grow that shit in my garage. I probably make three times more a year, than you will for the next… I don’t know… five?”
“Well, some of us actually want to serve a purpose.”
“I serve a purpose, I help people relax.”
“And Rick serves a purpose, he helps rich people get richer… and maybe lessens the homeless problem though murder, but I’m not sure if he actually kills people or not.”
“Great, compare me to the serial killer.”
“As a society, we’d be better off without both of you.”
“You’re kind of a bitch Claire.”
“And you’re kind of a societal detriment.”
“Ok, miss angry pants. If you don’t like me, I’ll leave.” Daren says, and then begins sort of stumbling down the hill
“Claire, you suck at bringing people together.” Maria says
“I’m high and emotional.” you yip in retort
“And kind of a hypocrite. Like, didn’t ya just come here askin for his product, to relax?” Clint says
“Yeah, but-”
“Honestly, by your own words, zhe people who’re helping you zhe most right now, are the folk zhat you’re treating zhe worst.”
“And I-”
“If you start making fun of my speech impediment, you’re getting your teezh knocked in, and gonna talk like Mike Tyson to compensate for my lack of T H pronunciation. So I suggest you watch your tongue, before it’s got more room to go zhrough.”
“Yeah, Claire, you’ve had enough conflict for today, let’s get you home.” Maria says
“More conflict waits there.” you say
“Too bad, too many problems, I want to sleep.”
“Fine.” you say and are led home . When you get home, there is no issues with Donut, and you bid farewell to Maria. You then go to your room, and lie in bed, not sleeping, just staring at the ceiling, seeing and feeling things. You hope Chris returns soon.
copyrights:
pokemon: gamefreak/nintendo
Muscle Man: Cartoon network
Category Artwork (Digital) / TF / TG
Species Pokemon
Size 1280 x 1253px
File Size 464.3 kB
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