can't get rid of panic attacks that have started again
this year was a very special one in my life - i got into one extreme situation by another, even criminal stuff, that traumatized my wife so much we will have to cope with this for many years. the world around me and my personal one - everything is testing me for strength every day. ironically, this is THE year when I finally got my one little family i am responsible of, and the weight of this responsibility feels especially strong when the war is around us. unfortunately it means that i also hardly have any right to share my weakness with people around me.
today should have been the massive protests, but there were so little people that i just have no other words to describe my feelings. my logical mind tells me that the regime will end soon, but it is still very scary to be in here without any way to escape. the regime will surely end, but when will the fascism end - i don't know. my mental illness seems to get stronger again, and it makes me feel very heavy guilt, because i should care for those who terribly need me now. they need a strong part of me, but i want to cry of this weakness. i don't want to be here and it was and IS so hard to lead everyday life while getting through all of this. the situation in twitter is especially scary and hateful, FA seems to be much more comfortable place to share such things, but i still have to put it in scraps not to be seen by some people and not to waist the main gallery. sorry for whining, i just need to put it just anywhere.