sooo i doodled this in hopes of "connecting" with my feelings yknow?,..,? idk how to put it
but somehow it just looks like edgy art lmao

well anyway i just wanna share some thoughts..

i recently (~2 months ago) finished/graduated from my training thing @ the public administration im still working at
and i honestly dont feel too great about it shall we say....
my work days are basically the same every. single. day and even as a person who kind of likes sameness/continuity of some sorts
its not been too well for my mental health? i just feel completely drained and exhausted even though i barely get to do anything?
its a job where i have to put general information of the land/properties the administration owns into forms? god its so hard to explain when idk how stuff like this works in other countries. basically its for taxes n stuff and its just so........ boring........
i feel like my brain shrunk like 6O% by now... the only good thing is that i get more money now but with inflation/exploding gas prices/etc here in germany i basically just get to survive i guess :)

so much about that point - im totally overwhelmed with the situation bc .. do i want to quit this job?
do i want to move to a dif city??

which brings me to my 2nd thought-- since i like to present as more or less *alternative* i always have to "tone down" on how i wanna dress/look bc of work + where i live. i live in the countriest countryside of germany .... having any sort of personal identity is FROWNED UPON here.... its making me feel like i have to pretend the whole time and this also makes me feel bad subliminally (?)
like i get to dress ~cool~ once a month and its like i have to surpress my personality n interests?? help..
i feel like moving elsewhere could help with that but im not the kind of person who just does things out of the blue just because i feel like it.... im very analytical lol ("what if it gets worse... we dont want that either"" so im just stuckkkk

aaand my last point being that i feel SO alone.. as i mentioned once like..? months ago? my 4 year long relationship ended bc of various shitty things and living alone, BEING alone is so hard for me. i tend to do self destructive things (not going grocery shopping, not cleaning up, being unproductive in general) when alone not bc i want somebody else to do it its just.. i need someone near me to feel the need to clean up etc? idk if this makes sense at all but i dont really care about me/my wellbeing when alone. i only eat junk or nothing bc i dont see the point to cook for myself. for another person? hell yeah sign me up cuz thats my love language.

but now that im just here alone with inge (my wienerdog) i rarely do anything good around my apartment which makes me feel even worrrrssssee ((i go on walks with inge regularly though dont get me wrong, thats like,,, the most important thing for me,, that shes happy))
and at work theres like 2 people i talk to but i wouldnt consider them friends its just.. that we get along quite well? ughgjk

aaa i just wanna skip a few years or press a restart button bc my life rn is just not IT
kinda feel like im being a whiny bitch about senseless thing but ehh..


anyway sorry for this wall of text i miiight delete this someday but i also just wanna put this out there in hopes it gets better eventually (so that i have something i can look back onto and be like - wow! life gets better!) idk

take care everyone xx