The long-awaited third entry in my "Dragon Derriere" series! A new direction with new characters and all the dragon farts you know and love! Let me know if you like it!

Ryan loves his scaly friend Edam, but his dragon has an unfortunate habit of falling asleep with his bottom uncomfortably close to Ryan's face...

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Purple Posterior

Sleeping with a dragon is usually a very pleasant experience, especially on a very cold evening. Their smooth, warm scales make an excellent pillow, and their sides are nice and cozy as you snuggle in against the bitter chill outside the cave. On a particularly cold evening, the dragon may fold a wing over you like a blanket. They cuddle up to you gently, hugging you under a foreleg and purring peacefully near your ear. Safe and warm, you can spend the night contentedly in their scaly embrace as the chill winds blow outside. Your dragon companion protects you from the cold, and the two of you drift off into peaceful slumber, dreaming of pleasant things.
Of course, dragons are also known for their rather severe flatulence, and simply because the rest of them is sound asleep doesn’t mean their hindquarters aren’t awake and productive. Normally, one can sleep comfortably against a dragon’s side through the night and avoid catching a whiff of any unpleasant smells that may leak from their backsides as they sleep. One should always monitor the diet of one’s scaly companion before they retire, however, as beans, chili, or excessive amounts of fruit may cause an abundance of gas that will cause a dragon to repeatedly stink up the cave through the night. The most important rule, of course, is to always sleep upwind of your friend, so that you won’t find yourself rudely awakened. One who sleeps downwind of a dragon who has eaten too much fiber is certain to reek of dragon flatulence from head to toe come the next morning.
But even all of this good advice may not be helpful if you’re sleeping with a dragon that moves around in his sleep, as Ryan had sometimes learned from experience. His friend had the unfortunate problem of involuntarily trapping the human beneath his scaly tail as he shifted about in his sleep, unconsciously pushing Ryan from his side and settling down again with his large hindquarters resting just in front of Ryan’s face. Ryan would open his eyes drowsily to find himself staring at a great smelly purple wall interrupted by a large, fleshy pink membrane near the top. He’d stare at his friend’s rear for a minute before it dawned on him exactly which side of the dragon he was looking at; then he’d grimace and move away, or at least try to get away from his friend’s offending end. He’d often have to wrestle with the dragon’s tail for a minute, struggling to lift the bothersome appendage so he could curl back up with a less malodorous side of his companion. Lifting a dragon’s tail into the air for them is always a bad idea, because it tends to trigger a natural flatulent response (being that dragons always lift their tails to pass gas), and Ryan usually caught a big butt-blast from his friend when he made his escapes.
Ryan’s friend Edam (so nicknamed both because of his love of cheeses and for his bouts of flatulence, although perhaps no worse than any other dragon’s), had scales of a beautiful royal purple, curved horns like a ram’s on his head, a rather plump, though not obese, build, and an unfortunate habit of positioning his friend directly downwind of him on occasion as they slept together. This rude habit was not something Ryan could blame Edam for, and it wasn’t as though it happened every night, or as though Edam was doing it on purpose. On average, Ryan would wake up to the smell of dragon bottom once every few weeks, which wasn’t too bad. In comparison, Edam, like most other dragons his age, adored intentionally sitting on Ryan (and other humans) and passing gas often on a daily basis, so Ryan was used to finding his dragon friend’s butt in his face. The only major difference was that he could see Edam’s rump coming in the latter situation.
Ryan lived in the nearby village and often went to visit and spend some time with Edam when he had the chance. Ryan had met Edam when he was only a child, and the two had essentially grown up together. Since Ryan’s father made such a good business in textiles and was away so often, Ryan stayed at home and helped his mother mind the house. Since there wasn’t much of anything that needed his immediate attention, he was able to get away regularly and spend time with Edam, often spending the night with him, especially when the weather grew colder.
“Edam is much more comfortable than an old furnace,” Ryan insisted, and his mother tended not to mind so long as he didn’t stay away all day, or at least remained available if she needed him for something. In all honesty, she secretly liked having the house all to herself, and tended not to bother Ryan very often so as to enjoy her own independence.
Edam was indeed far more comfortable than an old furnace tonight, in the freezing weather that would dip below twenty degrees as the night wore on. Furnaces may hiss but they do not purr, and you cannot cuddle against them because they are far too hot. Dragons are nice and warm, without being too hot, and unlike a furnace (assuming you are still unconvinced) they will cuddle you back. Ryan smiled as he lay down with his friend and Edam smiled back as he grabbed Ryan under his foreleg and snuggled up with him. Wishing each other good night, they gradually drifted off to sleep, safe, sound, warm, and cozy.
Of course, furnaces also do not break wind from their large intestines as they sleep, and it wasn’t long after Ryan and Edam had drifted off that the dragon let slip a little gas. As mentioned before, it is natural for a dragon to release a few poots and bubbles from their rear ends as they sleep, and the occasional noisy fart isn’t going to linger long enough to be an issue usually. Since Edam had eaten a kettle of baked beans and more than a few spicy sausages earlier, however, he had more than the usual levels of flatulence. His stomach growled softly as he slept, and the dragon groaned and shifted about, coming to rest with his big bottom in poor Ryan’s face. Ryan slept for a moment longer, but subconsciously caught a whiff of Edam’s rear and opened his eyes. He stared at the huge purple hindquarters in front of him for a moment before Edam’s anus opened slightly and released an airy “pfffff” to remind him where he was.
“Ugh! Edam! Gross, buddy!” Ryan groaned as he backed away from the dragon’s derriere. Without thinking, he began to struggle to lift his friend’s tail, so as to get away from the gas cloud that had formed around Edam’s butt. Waking himself up a little, he mustered his strength and triumphantly thrust the reptile’s tail over his head.
“FFFFFRRRRRTT…pppuubbbbttt!” This had been the signal to his friend’s bowels to unleash their gaseous load, which they promptly emptied into Ryan’s face. The initial blast ruffled his hair and clothing forcefully, as it echoed noisily off the cave’s walls, while the wet and bubbling fart following blended with the giant cloud of fresh stench to create a unique and disgusting odor. Ryan grimaced as the foul fumes blasted over him, but had no time to use the opportunity to escape, because as soon as Edam finished farting, his tail lowered itself automatically… hard. Ryan had already lost his grip on the tail when the fart hit him, but as the tail lowered he found himself pushed forward until he was literally pressed up against his friend’s stinking butt! The dragon’s butt-hole stunk twice as bad up close. In a way, it was no different than being sat on by a dragon: being pressed by their bottom, with their tail-hole blasting gas right in your face, but that didn’t make the situation any less disgusting. The immense fart cloud lingered in the air lethargically as Ryan groaned, simultaneously smelling his friend’s fart-fumes and his dirty anus.
“Ewww…Edam,” Ryan grimaced, “You could really use a bath, buddy.”
The dragon’s butt-hole responded by blowing a long gassy puff in his face, and Ryan wrinkled his nose again. He knew his friend wasn’t doing it on purpose, but that didn’t make it any less disgusting.
Ryan tried not to breathe through his nose as he lay there pressed against his friend’s smelly rump, waiting for the fumes from the giant fart he had just released to subside. They were starting to clear when Edam’s tail lifted again and Ryan backed away from his butt… and found himself in the middle of a long, wet fart. “Puuuubbbbpppfffftt! Prrrrrttt! Prrruppbb!” his friend’s huge scaly bottom unleashed a series of wet and stinky gas clouds at him, a new combination of stinky vapors to contend with. It didn’t necessarily smell worse that the offending odors he had just been stuck in, but it certainly didn’t smell very nice either. Edam’s heavy purple tail came down and once again forced Ryan up against the dragon’s rear end. Ryan groaned with disgust as he found himself face to face with stinky dragon tail-hole again.
“Ugghh, Edam!” Ryan grumbled, “I’ve really got to remember to watch your diet better, big guy!”
A few moments later, Ryan was again released from his posterior pinning when Edam’s tail rose yet again so the dragon could relieve another round of gas, filling the cave with more warm clouds of dragon flatulence. But Ryan wasn’t about to be pressed against the purple posterior a third time. As the tail came back down and began to shove him forward, Ryan reached out and gave his friend’s bottom a sound ‘whack!’
“Edam! Edam! Wake up, buddy!” he shouted, wondering why he hadn’t yelled at his friend before now. He waited a minute, and realized his friend’s tail had come to rest overtop of him without pressing him against the dragon’s butt again. “Edam, get up!” he shouted, and was rewarded with a deep and gassy fart as the tail raised itself and came back down. He waited for the smell to go away and smacked the dragon’s rear again, trying to wake him up from his drowsy, peaceful slumbering. “C’mon, Edam! You’re a real stinker tonight, buddy! Get up already!”
Edam grumbled as Ryan hit him again, blinking his scaly eyelids, heavy with sleep, and yawned. Then Ryan suddenly remembered why he hadn’t shouted at Edam before as his friend drowsily sat up… right on top of him.
Edam just sat there for a moment or two, Ryan’s shouting muffled beneath his huge purple hindquarters. The dragon blinked his eyes, yawned, and leaned forward ever so slightly to release another large fart, followed by a few smaller poots, then settled back down. Ryan shouted at him from beneath the stinking scaly rear, not out of pain or danger, but of sheer frustration that he was being smooshed up against his friend’s smelly rump for a third time tonight. Edam smacked his lips as he relieved a little bit of airy gas, and Ryan shouted more loudly. He knew his friend would register that he was sitting on him any second, but dragons tended to take a moment or two to awaken. In the twenty seconds or so that felt like forever before Edam came to be fully conscious, Ryan impatiently dealt with his friend’s excess gas and smelly rump scales.
Edam suddenly became conscious that he wasn’t dreaming and that there was something under his bottom. He immediately got up and found a very stinky, very upset Ryan glaring up at him. Edam smiled kindly at his human friend, then grabbed him in a big, scaly hug. He wrinkled his snout and recoiled when he caught a whiff of the human.
“Phew, Ryan! You’re really smelly!” he said, “Why are you so stinky…?” he cocked his head to the side, his profound draconic intelligence muffled by layers of sleepiness, “Oh!” he realized with a giggle, “Did I fart on you again?”
“Yes, Edam,” Ryan replied, trying not to sound too angry at the innocent reptile, “You’ve been really gassy tonight, and you trapped me with your tail again.”
“Oops!” Edam said, his ears drooping in slight embarrassment, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to stink you up like that!” He perked up again and chuckled at Ryan, “But you know what I always say: my tail has a mind of its own!”
“Yeah, well, I wish you’d at least give me a little warning if you’re going to have such bad gas,” Ryan admonished him, “You know I don’t get too upset if you fall asleep with your butt in my face, but I don’t like smelling your farts all night, buddy.”
“I’m sorry,” Edam said, “I really do need to be a little better about that,” he admitted.
“I suppose you’re still going to sit on me tomorrow?” Ryan groaned.
“No!” Edam said, “You know I won’t sit on you if I accidentally stunk you up! It’s one thing if I’m just gassy and stink up the cave, but if you get fart-faced accidentally, you know I won’t sit on you again. I’ll go find someone else instead. But I might sit on you the day afterwards. If I feel like it.” Edam admitted, “Still, you gotta admit it was a little funny…”
“It’s really gross,” Ryan said, “but a little funny since your tail really does have a mind of its own.”
“I bet it would be really funny if I did it on purpose!” Edam laughed, his fat purple belly jiggling a little, “I wonder if I could lift someone with my tail if I tried? Imagine a great big dragon pressing someone against their butt and fart-facing them! That would be so great! That’s what I’m gonna call it, too: fart-facing! Wait till the other dragons hear about this!”
“That’s nice, buddy,” Ryan yawned, “Just don’t do it to me anymore tonight, okay?”
“I… ahh,” Edam yawned sympathetically back, “I don’t think it’ll happen again tonight. I usually don’t pin you again after you wake me up the first time.”
“Well, I hope not,” Ryan said, laying back down, “That was disgusting enough once. I hope you’re all out of gas, too, buddy.”
“Well… nope. Hold on a sec,” Edam said. He rolled over on his side, lifted a hind leg, and let out a noisy, echoing torrent of fresh dragon flatulence: FRRRRRRRRRTT!
“Edam, gross! Haven’t I smelt enough already?!” Ryan held his nose.
“Sorry, sorry!” Edam said, rolling back over and smiling, “That should be the last of it for a while… Pee-yew! That is a stinky one!” He fanned a claw in front of his snout and giggled.
“Do something about it, Edam!” Ryan said, “Don’t just let it linger and stink up the cave!”
“Okay, okay, sheesh, calm down!” Edam said, flapping his wings to air his fart out of the cave, “It isn’t like you haven’t smelt a lot of it already tonight… Sorry, I’m just tired.”
“That’s okay,” Ryan said, going over to hug the gassy dragon, “I forgive you, buddy.”
Edam purred and hugged Ryan back. The two lay back down and the human curled up against his scaly friend’s side.
“There shouldn’t be too much more gas, if any,” Edam yawned as he lay down and cuddled his friend under a foreleg, “So it shouldn’t smell too bad.”
“That’s good, buddy,” Ryan yawned, cuddling up with his friend, “What did you eat anyhow?”
“Lots of beans and some spicy sausage,” the dragon giggled softly as he closed his eyes and began to purr gently, “I’ll have to… ahhh… have to remember that for…ahhh… pranks.”
“Good night, Edam,” Ryan said, patting his friend’s side fondly as he lay down.
“Good night, Ryan,” Edam purred, “See you in the morning.”
As Ryan lay down and began to drift back asleep with his scaly companion, he smiled fondly at how he could never stay angry at Edam. Even though the dragon had just blasted a continuing series of fart clouds on him a few minutes ago, he wasn’t upset anymore. Edam was just so friendly and loveable that Ryan had to forgive him for being a little disgusting. He listened to Edam’s peaceful, soft purring and gradually drifted back to sleep, safe and sound in the warm scaly embrace of his gentle dragon friend.
So, dear readers, when the cold winds blow this winter and snow blankets the ground, remember to cuddle up with your dragon to keep warm throughout the season. When the weather’s cold and frightful, a dragon is warm and delightful. Of course, you must always watch their diet so they don’t get too gassy, or you may be awakened rather rudely. However, don’t blame your scaly friend if they fall asleep with their butt in your face or happen to make the area a little stinky. Remember Ryan and Edam, and know that your dragon loves you. Wake them gently, let them air out their gas, curl back up with them, and drift back off to sleep in your dragon’s gentle embrace.