Falling Deep
By: Tabitha N. Thomas

I’m falling again. Deeper this time as compared to the last time. It hurts more than the last time we were descending into the ocean. I was hit harder this time. It’s more difficult to breathe than ever before. Walls are closing in around me as the bubbles of what was my last breath leave my lips. Why do I hate the feeling of this type of claustrophobia? I never had an issue in tight spaces until I was sucked into the depths of the sea. I can’t even tell what hurts anymore. I’m so numb from all the pain I have felt over the years.

I question every day how I was able to do anything. How could I wake every day and make it through with a fake smile? I must have been desperate to make it through. Silently suffering. Some of us grew up unable to speak about our emotions, and that showed them as weaknesses. I didn’t want to thrust them onto anyone I was close to. Despite their words of acceptance, I never wanted to become a burden. It was my problem to tolerate and deal with. If I couldn’t handle my own issues, how was I supposed to cope with even more difficult situations?

What a waste. As strong as I would like to be, I still can’t fight the simplest of battles in my own head. Whoever said that actions of the mind were simply about willpower didn’t know shit about the world or the people in it. Some say giving up is easy and it’s an easy way out. What the hell do they fucking know, the dolts. There is no shame in failing, so long as you get back up. If you want to succeed, you get up and work hard. Death still scares me despite my trials. But this fear is not to be ignored. I now know what my weakness is. Knowing this, I can become stronger.

Her fists started to clench, and her magenta eyes opened, gazing up to the surface of the water as there was still a glimpse of light amongst the blue vastness. I used to think being different was weird or not normal. Now I embrace it. I can accept these differences and use them to grow. You can die anytime, but living takes true courage. We choose to live through the pain and suffering and all the bad things in hopes that there is more love and joy than our traumas. For anyone who doesn’t accept me or want me in their world, I choose to accept myself, and I don’t need them and their selfish ideas in my universe. Fate and destiny are cruel constructs filled with false hope. Don’t accept it. Instead, have the tenacity to change it the way I want it to be. I refuse to let fear control me any longer! You’ve got two legs and a heartbeat. What’s stopping you?!


Art by the wonderful:  cbh